I feel trapped and so guilty. What else can I do?

Whoa, if she has dementia she shouldn't be driving! Talk to her doctor. Have you read the articles on this site that deal with dementia and AD? They are helpful.

Katy, It sounds like she has more than mild cognitive impairment. Did you tell the doctor that her personality has changed and she doesn't know what month it is? She needs to be reassessed by someone else. Her personality change could be problems with the front of her brain. There are many forms of dementia that cause that. I don't know that you can get her to accept outside help unless you are firm with her or you get a new evaluation and you become her POA. Good Luck. PS. The elderly are good at faking 'normal' at doctor visits.

Katydid, I know its hard, but if she dosnt know what day it is she shouldn't be driving. This is a big deal many cargivers go through. They are physicaly able but not mentaly to drive. My uncle was physicaly able to drive, his wife thought as long as she could give him directions it would be fine. Very shortly they had an accident, he was never the same. Please encourage her to give it up. I understand when they seem fine to the dr. But you see them day in day out and KNOW somthings not right. I'm going through the same thing. I'm lucky mine has never drove. Hang in there. Mine still can figure out what day it is.

Agree someting is not right. You can't "pass the tests" if you don't know the year, month, day and date or at least come very close. Has something changed acutely? Medications? Depression? Any suggestion of a recent, subtle stroke - e.g. decreased vision to one side. Ask her to draw a clock, it may be very distorted if she has. How about reading? Have you observed her driving directly?

hey there katydid,
You are a good daughter to step up for your mom.
These folks are right! No more driving and it's not up for discussion with your mom. Disable the car if you have to but keep her from getting behind the wheel. She will kill someone and it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.
Her Doctor is not up to speed with Dementia just like my mom's Dr wasn't. Mom ended up with 2 accidents and the second one she almost killed herself and thank God no one else was hurt. That was when I intervened by quitting the job of my life and moving across the country to care for her. BTW, I would not do that again... I would figure out another way rather than lose my job and life. that being said....
I can totally relate to the trapped feeling and you are here amongst friends so vent vent vent to keep yourself sane.

the demented are experts at masking their condition and when it's your mom she has a hard core psych advantage over you that you have to shake off. I did it and believe me, you have ALL of my empathy because I know exactly how hard it is.

If you don't want to hear her gripe about the car, simply disable it when she's not looking. Go out and get groceries for the week and whatever you're going to need and get the car out of the picture even if you park it around the corner and tell her it's at the garage getting fixed. This is the most serious part of dementia and if you google dementia related car accidents you will be appalled.
not fair to put others in danger.

another caregiver here mentioned the clock test and that is a great way to get a grip on what the situation is. It's a down and dirty fast cognitive test and will tell you how far along she is with the disease. And this is a disease and it is progressive, as in it gets worse. Although Dementia is widespread it is not a part of healthy aging.
I'm not here to scare the sox off of you and we all want you to keep coming back to get the support you need, but the next little while is really going to be tough.
You have to intervene, change her life around to protect the public and yourself and you have to go through things you would rather not.
I am an only child and this was crazy making but I am living proof that you can do this, live through it and pop out on the other side maybe a little bruised, but still able to live and enjoy your life.
The secret, believe it or not, is this website and the caregivers that are here and in various stages of the process. You will find out that you are not alone and you will find that some of us are here all the time so when you reach out and yell, someone will hear you and respond.
this site, and the folks on the Grossed Out thread saved my life and that is why I am still here even after my mom has died to support the new and seasoned caregivers who are adjusting to this life.
ok.... no more mom driving! that's the first and hardest task! don't let anyone tell you different! my mom's 'friends' tried to keep her driving even after that incredible accident and of course I was the bad guy. Too bad, I sucked it up and did not relent. Somewhere I know that there is someone alive today because I didn't listen to my mother or her friends. AND, mom had some good years left with some fun and adventures that she wouldn't have had if she had continued to drive.

Good luck and you can do this! We'll be here to cheer you on!
lovbob

HUGS! Thank you bobbie, calling the cops sounds like the best thing. I would have to be very crafty about busting her taillight. She is so suspicious of everyone and everything and she looks and looks for things that might be or go wrong. It's like she is in a Fort, fighting off the enemies! I know for a fact that she could not pass a written test, she couldn't remember all the instructions. Thanks again Bobbie for the technique to use. I will try this!

My parents refused help from private caregivers, too, in the beginning. I am their primary caregiver with no real help from family here in town. Knowing I could not do it alone, I told Mom the help was for Dad and vice versa --- of course I felt guilty I was being deceptive but now I realize the priority is safety. Whatever creative reason you can give for care is better than pointing the finger at our folks. At first, it was ok for a caregiver to come in for a couple hours per day once a week and we gradually increased the time until now it's a 40 hour week. It took a couple of years but now they both ask for help from the caregiver when needed and realize they can still be independent but ask for assistance from others from time to time.

I have yet to walk that path Carol but reading what you said has given me such clarity and I do know for a fact that God allows deception at such times to provide help those in need. She is so healthy except mentally but this deteriorates a person rather quickly. I like the way you answered your parents questions. Thank you for your reply and I pray that things will run even smoother for you. : )

The fact that she can't remember what day, week, month or year it is means the geriatric doctor is no good. Take her to a neurologist to an examination. She'll flunk.

Before, I did that though, I would get medical and durable POA over her if you don't already have it.

If she needs no assistance in walking or doing tasks, then what are you having to do that makes you feel so trapped?

What are you feeling guilty about?

You pointed out something that I did not recognize Bobbie. The fact that my mom is suspicious is because she knows she's getting away with stuff. I know that"s why she puts up such a fuss to keep people away, so they won't know how bad things are. There is a driving service (a Senior Bus Service) but perish that thought! She'd never stoop to riding a bus. She needs Meals on Wheels, but same thing, "what would the neighbors think" and thinks he is capable of cooking for herself (NOT!) and she wouldn't dare let anyone see that car drive up and bring food to her door! SIGH! I don't want mother to have an accident or cause one.........that's my fear. Did you know that legally, as her only caregiver, I could get in trouble if anything happened to her! The legal services could charge me with neglect! This was scarey when I read about it. I plan on busting her taillight out and then call the Police and tell them she's not safe to be driving on the road. When they hear she is 92 1/2, that ought to get their attention!