Why do I feel like I can't do this anymore?
My MIL's youngest is coming to visit on the 4th. She knew he was coming last week but FORGOT on Monday - denied knowing - she got upset because I mentioned that she forgot.
Then this morning, I vacuumed her apt, (an addition to our home) and scrubbed her floors. I notice her pension check on the desk and took it and wrote a note that I would cash it for her while I was doing errands this afternoon.
She came in and said 'HOW can YOU cash MY check without me signing it???!!! I said my name is on your account and she said "well, now i HAVE LOST TOTAL CONTROL!"
Just a side note - she put my name on her account of her own free will 8 years ago - before her memory issues began (pre stroke). I have paid all her bills for three years - ever since she wrote an $865 check to pay an $8.65 bill. She cashes her pension check and that is her mad money. Her bills, groceries and prescriptions come out of her SS check that goes into her checking acct.
The problem now is that she got upset with me - insinuated that I was 'taking' her pension check. I have cashed her pension check numerous times when she isn't able to get out or the weather is bad. Never have I kept one cent of it.
She said something that 'set me off' and I said - maybe it is time to rethink things. if you aren't happy here - other arrangements can be made. She said YES, LET DO THAT!!!! and turned around and went back to her apt. She has been pouting in there for 3 days ever since I suggested that she 'forgot' that her son was coming.
Her bath lady came and the first thing out of her mouth was 'Well, it looks like the kids are thinking about putting me in a nursing home.' WE HAVE NEVER USED THE TERM NURSING HOME to her. If anything, it would be assisted living.
I went in and of course I was upset - because she was insinuating that we were going to put her away in front of her bath lady. I told the bath lady that SHE was the one who said she definitely wanted other arrangements made. If she isn't happy here - she we force her to stay?
Then her bath lady said to me 'Well, Oldcodger2, just WHAT DO YOU DO here, anyway? Insinuating that I do nothing for my MIL. I have nursed her through surgeries - sleeping on her couch for 2 weeks post surgery, nursed her for 6 weeks pre surgery (another surgery) when she was bedridden - this was PRE BATH LADY - so I did that, including wiping her butt since she was to weak to do it. I puller her upright, put a wash cloth under her foot to pivot her to the commode, then pivoted her back to bed or to the wheel chair. This was 24/7 for 6 weeks. The last surgery - we decided to let her recoup in the swing unit of the hospital until she could be up and around.
I prepare her meals, do her shopping, order and pick up meds, organized her 'calendar' of numerous doctor appointments. There were times when we had 12 appointments in one month - entailing an hour drive each way and for 6 of those procedures - required me to wait 6 hours before bringing her home.
Obviously - all this constitues 'nothing.' I think I am just plain tired of doing nothing and I want to stop. Do I have the right to stop? Sure, I know others have it far worse. But since her stroke in December - it is the memory issues and the snide remarks that have gotten to me. I know I am 'way too short tempered' to be a good caregiver anymore. Is it wrong to think about NOT being her caregiver anymore? Her other two children have left her care to us and basically, it is me - but, I forgot, I don't DO anything - so why should I be upset?
I am sorry, but I am upset. My MIL tells everyone she cares for herself. Thankfully, she can take care of her personal needs. But 90%+ of her meals I cook. IF she tries to cooks something - it is often inedible.
When she came in (she was outside on the patio) she complained of the bleach smell (I used Clorox Clean up to scrub her floors and clean her commode and toilet.) She said "I just scrubbed the floor." I told her it needed it again. The corners were dirty and full of little bugs and there were drips in front of the refrigerator - basically, it needed a good scrubbing on hands/knees and she can't do that anymore.
Often, I will do her dishes and clean her sink (she doesn't run the disposal sometimes and it gets so gross) and basically, just can't clean the way she used to. But, I don't DO anything - I forgot, the invisible cleaning fairy does it :0)
I think I am going to have a stroke myself. I hit a wall 2 years ago and I have never been the same since. If SHE makes me miserable and I make HER miserable - isn't it time to rethink things if possible? Doesn't she deserve that too?
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The most drastic way to rethink things would be to physically move MIL out of your home. If she can afford a nice assissted living facility that may be best all around. Instead of being her landlord and caregiver you could be her advocate and friend. This might indeed reduce the misery. Perhaps this is the best step to take next. But I'd at least consider les drastic changes first.
You could rethink who does what. No doubt her little apartment can use some hands-and-knees deep cleaning once in a while. But you can hire people to do that on a regular basis. If she goes into ALF the deep cleaning and the meal prep and laundry and other homemaking tasks are going to be done by "outsiders" paid for doing them -- that could happen right where MIL is, without the more drastic change. No one appreciates the hard work you do? Hire that hard work out. This might reduce an element of tension between you and MIL. Please don't dismiss it without carefully considerng it.
You could rethink your attitude about the situation. Poor MIL is losing her memory and her cognitive abilities. Caring for someone in this state is significantly different than caring for someone with just physical impairments. Adjustments are necessary in how you approach the task and what you expect. OF COURSE she does not appreciate being reminded that she has forgotten something. Don't rub it in. "Oh. I'm so sorry it wasn't clear to you that Billy will be here this week. I thought you knew that. I didn't mean for it to be a surprise. Next time I'll write it down so we'll both remember." Rethink how you react to what she is "insinuating." She is no longer in her right mind, remember? You have to make all kinds of allowances for her behavior, and learn not to take it so personally. In the old days if she accused you of mismanaging her money you would be justified in feeling hurt and defensive and maybe angry. The old days are gone. She can't remember that you've done this service for her, let alone be grateful for it.
You are upset because of what the bath lady said?! Who cares? You know what you are doing. I sincerely hope that your husband knows what you are doing. The members of these discusson boards know what you are doing. Share your feelings and experiences with the folks who can understand what you are going through. Do not expect understanding from your cognitively-impaired MIL, or from outsiders. Just because someone is trained to give bathes doesn't mean they have a professional understanding of the family caregiving role. Develop a thicker skin. Don't give uninformed people to power to upst you.
It is very, very hard to rethink the nature of your relationship with someone who now has dementia or other mental impairments. There is no shame in getting help with this hard task. Join a support group. Get some counselling.
My heart goes out to you, oldcodger2. You are working so hard, giving so much -- you do not deserve to be so miserable. Rethinking things is definitely in order. There is more than one way to do that. I hope you find ways that will work well for you.
I will be touring an Assisted Living facility (with attached nursing home) tomorrow afternoon. We have had friends who lived there and a good friend is a nurse there and we know that it is a well run place.
We will apply for whatever assistance is available and 'if she qualifies' she will be moving fairly soon - maybe not next week, but in a few months for sure. If she doesn't qualify for aid - well things will remain the same for a while longer.
We feel better about her possibly going to assisted living instead of a nursing home - I don't feel like I am breaking my promise to her about never putting her in a nursing home. She may never need the nursing home, (I hope). We shall see how it goes . . . . . .
Secondly, you need a big fat break. I don't know what your MIL's finances are, but if you can swing it financially, put her in respite care for a month and have your husband put the hammer on the sibs to help cover the costs. What does your mom do with her money. She has SS and her pension? Does she have money in the bank or any assets. If so, start using that money to cover respite care and, again, have your husband do all he can to get the sibs to help out financially.
I don't think you should have to sacrifice your social security to get MIL out of your home. Possibly she could qualify for assistance. Her income might be too high for Medicaid, but it is still possible that she could qualify if Medicaid picked up the difference of what she can pay. Check with your Area on Aging and with your Department of Social Services. Get a good education of what is possible.
My recommendation is (1) Find a way for MIL to live elsewhere for one month. I pray you can do this because you are at your wits end and you must have some down time. Maybe she will be happier to be home when she returns from a month away and hopefully you will be too. (2) Talk to your local Area on Aging and your Department of Social Services. Understand every inch of your options for her care at your home and in a facility. (3) In the end, if you just can't do this anymore, then you can't. Your life is ticking away and you are not being supported. You have done more than your share and you have every right to save yourself. It's ok and it's not your fault. You are a human being who needs a life too.
I can't imagine your brother in law leaving your MIL alone after you left for vacation. I'm sorry you had to come home. One thing bothers me, however, maybe your children live far away, but could they not have stepped in and helped with MIL since you were on a much needed vacation?
Anyway, these are my thoughts. Hope they are helpful. Love and Hugs, Cattails
jeannegibbs - if my MIL ends up staying here with us for whatever reason - I intend to seek help in dealing with this difficult situation from our local agency on aging.
If we are able to get her into a nice AL facility nearby - and I can go back to being her friend - I think she and I will be able to connect is a more positive and loving way from now on.
I do believe that respite for me is the key and the one aspect of caregiving that most people don't get enough help with. I am afraid it is going to take much longer than and hour or two here and there or even a long weekend for me to recover. ..................................... Again, my thanks to you all.
I also agree that you should have help brought in to help with the cleaning. But MIL needs to pay for it.
You sound exhausted. Do you get out and pamper yourself? You need to take care of yourself? Do you get support from your family? What about MIL's other kids? Do they help? {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}
Be sure you check out Medicaid. Even if she is over the limit, I think they might help if all her funds go towards her NH care and they pick up the difference. Please be sure to check it out.
My heart goes out to you. You have done so much to care for your MIL. I'm sorry she is so difficult, but it is the illness. I'm sure your heart broke for her today. I wish the two of you could have a good cry together. I know you love the person she was and every once in a while, maybe that person is still there.
I want to commend you on everything you have done. You need a break and a chance to regain your spirit. I'm glad you are changing home health companies. That bath lady needs to have someone explain that the care they give is as much for the family as the patient.
Good luck OC2 and please stay in touch. Sending you lot of love and tons of hugs, Cattails
Guilt is only a tool to help us correct mistakes or bad behavior. You have done none of these. You have nothing to be guilty about and her other sons are incapable of guilt exemplified by their behavior.
I've told my son the same thing. Don't let my behavior destroy his life or marriage or sanity. This is when we need to make an advanced directive. It's never too soon. It doesn't have to just apply to old age.
I had unrealistic expectations that everything would work out and she would be happy around her son and would be able to see her grandchildren. Well, she told her son she didn't know why she even had children because all they do is leave home when you need them. Well, of course children leave home and get married..that's what children are supposed to do when they grow up. She was mad my husband moved with me to another state, she was mad he changed his faith and left the Catholic church, she was mad he didn't have a priest at our wedding along with our minister, she was mad he put me before her. I understand her being mad she had to leave her home, but I figured since she was alone, she would love to be where it is warm and she has family around. No, she would rather complain and make everyone feel guilty and throw tantrums like a child because things aren't the way she wants. Well, this wasn't the most ideal thing for us either, but at least appreciate what people are trying to do for you. We do her laundry, make her meals, take her to appts., set up her meds of which there are many, make sure she takes her shower, soaks her teeth, remind her when her shows are on tv, basically every little thing. You want them to appreciate what you do, but they are like the child who is nice to everyone else and sasses the parents.
It truly is like they go back in time and become selfish children.
It sounds like you are trying to distance yourself from her and let others take over. I have had to do the same in order to maintain my sanity. I know it is hard, but if you can distance yourself emotionally from her and realize she is safe, she is being taken care of, you did the best you can do. Don't worry about what other people think....you know what the truth is, your husband knows the truth, God knows the truth and they probably do too. Unless they have walked in your shoes, they have no idea how this can affect a person. I know how trapped it can make you feel when you have to arrange your life around someone who is always mad at you. It affects everything, especially your marriage.
Let her live in her apartment as though she is a single person who wants to live alone. You are there for emergencies. Let your husband deal with his mother. He knows her better and they have that bond that you don't. If it makes you feel better to do things for her, do them because you want to do the right thing and do it unconditionally. Because, it will only upset you if you expect any appreciation. You can stock the fridge when she is napping or away. Have someone else do her cleaning. You must regain your sanity because it will destroy your health if you don't. And don't feel guilty....remember, you are dealing with someone who is not rational. Now, take a deep breath, go out and get a mani/pedi and do something for yourself. Keep us posted...we are all praying for you!
Agree with everything jeannegibbs and the women advised above. Also, that bath lady should be fired as cattails said above and report her to the agency and get another bath lady. She shouldn't open her mouth when it comes to family issues, she shouldn't open her mouth unless asked to open her mouth; she's intruding on issues she has no business making any type of comments; its none of her business and she should know better. We had to fire an organization because one of the CNAs turned out to be Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde-she was abusing both me and Mom. Sis reported her actions and I hope they got rid of her too.
You're not going to get any pats on the back from MIL. First of all, she is sick, please try to remember that. But YOU need to make the changes or else you will get sicker than MIL. All great advice up there, please try to make the changes one at a time or as much as you can as fast as you can. We do not want you to end up in the hospital! I understand what you are going through as I went through the same thing [though not as severe as your situation ] with my Mom;who is now in hospice [dementia and terminal cancer]. You are doing a fabulous job, thankless job, more than any human can take on. The Lord sees what you are doing, believe me, and He knows exactly how you feel for His understanding is infinate. Go to Him with your tears, anxiety, stress, and everything else. God Bless you.
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