Hello, I posted once before and appreciate the helpful and thoughtful comments I got back. I live in Illinois and my parents live in Florida. Things have been bad with my dad since about four years ago and have gotten even worse. To sum up what I posted last time, he blew up at my wife and brother-in-law for, essentially, hurting his feelings and started saying awful things to me about both of them. He said he never wanted to see her again the last time I talked to him on the phone which was 9 months ago. I hung up and haven't wanted to call him back. There's been no contact since then, no birthday cards or calls, no Merry Christmas calls, no Happy Anniversaries, etc. He's always had a really short fuse and I've heard some troubling things from my cousins who have seen him in Florida. There have been incidents of him picking fights with strangers and threatening them. He always carries a gun and it's not too much of a stretch to see him using it against someone or having it used against him. On a more personal level, I'm in an interfaith marriage. My wife is Jewish and I'm not. It was never an issue but my father has started acting openly anti-Semitic. My cousin went into his home and says he saw a large portrait of Hitler on the wall over the bed. He's also been telling awful anti-Semitic jokes and challenging Jewish people he meets over their faith. I believe these anecdotes even though they're hearsay. They're consistent with what I've seen myself over the years. I feel his hate for my wife brought this dark side of him to the surface. With so much hate and bigotry in the world today I fear the worst may happen. When do I call the authorities? He is an ex-police officer and may be able to talk his way out of an uncomfortable position. On the other hand, he may get into a shootout with anyone who shows up asking questions. I know these are "what ifs" but I'm stuck and appreciate help. Thanks.
I think I would call his local precinct and ask if there is a unit that deals with elder affairs. Start out by explaining that he is an ex-cop AND armed. Those arebthe two MOST important fact tthat you want not to get lost in this conversation.
Make sure that when you sum up, you repeat those.
Ask the officer what kind of preventative action (Baker act--that's an involuntary psych hold) or other forced committal is possible.
Good luck and please let us know how this goes!
An 85 yo anti-Semite with a Hitler poster in his place and having access at all times to a loaded weapon is a recipe for disaster. And living in FLORIDA where there is a large population of Jews?
Something horrible could happen. Or it might not.
How would you feel if he went totally off the rails and hurt someone, knowing what you know??
Call APS, be pushy and mention that he is angry, has access to loaded weapons and seems to be decompensating. MAKE them take you seriously.
Right now--everyone is on tenterhooks. Has he somehow chosen the Jewish faith as the cause of all that's wrong?
If you do nothing---well, I for one couldn't live with myself thinking about the 'what ifs'. He has passed the time for evalution and help.
If you did, is there some reason why you are thinking that he is ABLE to ACT as though he DOESN’T have ALZHEIMER’S/ dementia?
Alzheimer’s disease ISN’T an issue of manners or bigotry. It’s a progressive condition which results in global failure of its victim to become less and less able to care for basic needs, interact in the world, learn and recall basic information.....live appropriately......
Someone needs to stop being offended and assume responsibility for this man. If he’s a danger to himself or others, the sooner the better. Get the authorities involved.
The person who is the most in danger here is your mom; I'm sure that you know that. She is most likely in a sort of "Stockholm Syndrome" kind of situation where she doens't want to set him off.
Can you get the name of his psychiatrist or his PCP from mom?
Wishing you the best of luck with what sounds like a terrible situation.
If I was a wife of an ex-police officer with a loaded weapen, Alz & Hitler idealization I would have run for the hills long ago. But she may be very stuck. Used to him being 'Boss'. Have no funds of her own or coping/organising skills to plan an escape. Or just plain old denial.
Many people stay out of fear or habbit. Or love. But safety & common sense must prevail.
Protect others - by alerting the Police, APS or his Doctor.
Let the authorities deal with him. If this means Baker Acted, then so be it.
Let common sense prevail over any fear of upsetting your parents.
My sister has a history of self-neglect - so very very different situation but many family members have not spoken out, got her help, alerted services. Why not? I suspect they fear they may upset her.
Discuss with the police the safety concerns you have about your father coming after you and your wife if he finds out you're the one reporting him. The cops will very likely get permission to confiscate his guns. Then he will get a mental competency assessment done. APS will petition for it. Many times seniors will do some 'showtiming' and can pass the test, but I don't think if APS sees your father's house (which is most likely filthy and unkept), his guns, and the portrait of The Fuhrer hanging on the wall, they will declare him competent to live on his own and make decisions for himself. They know better.
It's totally understandable that you do not want guardianship/conservatorship over your father. The court will ask you if there are any other family members willing to do it and if not they will appoint someone. Very likely your father will be placed in the controlled environment of a nursing home or assisted living facility.
That is so age discriminatory and totally unacceptable.
Any adult with the mental capacity to utilize a firearm should absolutely have the right to keep and bear arms, it is a constitutional right.
Anyone that thinks law enforcement is going to take a retired law enforcement officer's rights away is dreaming. That protect one another like rabid dogs.
It is time for boots on the ground to see exactly what is going on--with mom.
We had a sad and scary family situation years ago. Aunt and uncle moved to Florida while the rest of the family was in the Midwest. Aunt was very secretive. One of my cousins dropped in as a surprise while on a business trip and found his mother (my aunt) black and blue, head to toe. My uncle, who had dementia, wanted to wander (on the Interstate) and she had the key to the door which locked from the inside.
Uncle went to Memory Care that week, where he thrived. Sadly, aunt passed away from a massive heart attack shortly thereafter. Uncle lived happily for several more years in MC.
If you care about your mom, you need to get her out of harm's (and your dad's) way. No "asking".
Probably even more so in your case, because it sounds like dad has always been a rather rigid and authoritarian figure.
This should not have to be your job. In a perfect world, your mother would have the guts and wherewithal to talk to his doctor about how scary he's become. Or his fellow retiree officers would notice that he's gone nuts and figured out how to remove the guns, at the very least.
So, don't feel bad about feeling bad. Call APS and call the local precinct and talk to both about how scary it feels to your family that your increasingly erratic former cop dad has an arsenal in the house.