My husband and his mother are very estranged. He knows very little about her. He hasn't even seen her except once in the past ten years. He got a call from one of his sisters that she was in trouble and drove to pick her up. It was obvious to us that she's far worse than anyone thought. She couldn't even remember her name. We thought she was being cared for by other relatives, and apparently hasn't been. We moved her and her dog in, but don't know what the next step is. She cant remember anything, gets easily confused, can't be left alone but refuses to accompany me when I have to leave the house. She's only 51(in Nov 2019). We were told we couldn't get a POA or Authorized representative papers because she is not considered able to sign those. But we can't get any of her information without those forms. We are lost on what to do. To top it off, her dog is seriously untrained, bites us and our dog, and weighs so much that he bowls her over and she can't control him. She forgets that she's not at home and is constantly letting him in from the garage to attack us. We don't want to get rid of him because she is seriously attached, but he is starting to become a danger. We are just so lost.
Not knowing her financial situation I cannot comment on what to do in that area. Although, I would definitely see where she can be placed. Living with you will never work.
What does your sister in law have to say about all of this? What's wrong with MIL? What's been going on the past 10 years? Is she a drug user, an alcoholic? Is this dementia you're seeing? MIL is awfully young to be suffering THIS level of dementia!!! What's her health history been for the past 10 years? Where has she been living? Who's her doctor?
Then you need to get rid of the dog. Sorry, but this animal is just TOO dangerous to have inside of your home attacking people. Perhaps one of your sister in law's can house it; if not, the local shelter.
Depending on what your SIL has to say, I guess the next step would be a full medical evaluation of your MIL by a doctor and/or a neurologist to determine a diagnosis. Based on that dx, you'll have to decide if you want to house your MIL, or if she needs an Assisted Living or Memory Care environment to better function.
Then I'd make an appointment with an Elder Care attorney in your area to see how you can proceed with getting the necessary paperwork in order, depending on what MILs diagnosis is and if you want to house her.
A real mess, it sounds like. I'm so sorry you are faced with this stressful situation right now. I hope things work out for the best and that you're able to figure out what to do next.
GOOD LUCK!!!
The SIL who called your husband should have provided him with this information, but since she didn't, that would in my opinion be a necessary, high priority call, as well as her providing copies of any documentation she has, especially medical history.
On that subject, is she taking any pills that she might have brought with her? If so, research them online to see what they're for; that would at least give you an idea of what conditions she might have.
But she will have to see a doctor to get script refills. Again, the issue of past medical history arises.
While I can understand someone reaching a breaking point and not being able to think clearly on how to transfer care, the best starting point is in fact someone who's been caring for her before calling and rescinding whatever obligations she might have had.
As to the dog, he may be just as disoriented and confused at the disruption in his life, but he does need care outside of your home. If he's a standard breed dog, you might try to contact one of the breed specific rescues.
Given MIL's level of confusion, she may react in unpredictable ways, including anger, when the dog is gone. You might consider first a toy dog that she can cuddle, if the does that, to at least provide something for her to feel as if it's her own. I don't write this to be cruel, but given the level of dementia, she might not realize it's not a real dog, but at least the friction caused by the existing animal would be abated.
And if she stays at your house, you might also want to ask friends with well behaved animals to visit so she can benefit from animal therapy. I wouldn't get another dog just yet though.
And in the meantime, start investigating, visiting and interviewing memory care facilities as it sounds as though she has some pretty severe dementia (unless there's a combination of meds that are causing this condition).
I wish you luck; this sounds like a really challenging situation, which literally has been dumped in your lap w/o any necessary background information.
Start with Sister. What information does she had re Mom, Mom's bills, accounts and etc.. When you have all the legal and financial records you can find, next step is an MD for diagnosis. You will need this if you are to seek guardianship. Ask Sister who lived nearby who Mom's Doctor is and if Mom has POA for health care. If not, call doctor, tell him where she is, ask his recommend for testing and diagnosis.
One you get legalities worked out you will function for her in her stead by guardianship (almost certainly will be granted to her son). You will then need to decide whether Memory Care is the best option. She is very young. I sure don't recommend taking on the care of a woman who may outlive you. Good luck. Step at a time. Gather information, get diagnosis, see Elder Law Attorney re options.
Here is a link to a very, very large thread on the subject of narcissism and dementia that you may be interested in taking a look at:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-dementia-narcissistic-162338.htm
Best of luck!
Hope ur able to get POA. She has to assign you. She may not be deemed competent enough to do that.
In your bio, you stated that she has Dementia/Alzheimer's, Depression, Diabetes, and Anxiety disorder. These are all serious conditions in their own right and need to be addressed to see that she is on the proper medications and at the correct dosages, which may take some time as you are basically starting from scratch.
I reccomend you get right on getting her the help she needs, even if you go to Social Services to get her on Medicaid if she doesn't have established health insurance, so she can get the proper care she needs.
I also warn you for having her around your children, incase she is mentally unstable, as your kids may not be able to protect themselves should she go off the rails, given her Anxiety issues, it would be my first concern!
Having Diabetes and her other health problems, and not having been on the right meds, it might be determined that her "Dementia" symptoms and confusion are a side effect of not having the proper treatment and will hopefully diminish some (hopefully a lot), once her medications needs are met and she is back "on track", her Mental illness may also come into play to her obvious confusion too.
Mental confusion (Dementia ?) is often seen when Diabetes and Kidney function is not managed properly, she is very young (only 51 years old) to have such severe symptoms of Dementia, so hopefully she will improve with better medication and treatment, plus good nutrition too! It is important that she have a complete blood workup Asap!
It is so generous and commendable that you have taken on this responsibility of you estranged MIL, but you need to make sure that your family comes first! This woman is virtually a complete stranger to you, her Son and your young family and with the extensive issues that she has, it might be more than you guys can handle, and her Mental illness symptoms may possibly be even a danger to you all.
Run don't walk to getting her immediate health care, and maybe even get a Social worker involved to get her proper placement. And do know that if she ever ends up in hospital, you Can Refuse to take her home as an "UNSAFE DISCHARGE"! You would need to convey this to the Discharge Coordinator Sternly, and they will find her the necessary placement. You must not put your children and yourselves at risk and put too much strain on your family and your future lives. She may even need to be admitted to a Mental Hospital to be adjusted to new medicines.
NPD is a family destroyer, they suck the life out of you using FOG, Fear Obligation and Guilt, do not let the happen to you, your children and your marriage! Get educated, and make the Best decisions for your family first, and then help her to get the best care and living placement next! You cannot do this alone!
Good Luck!
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Stick to your guns and get her into a facility that can help her get better. This isn't about turns, it's about a person that is obviously, obviously suffering something.
Sometimes we have to do very hard things to help people, and we are usually not popular with other family members who think differently, oh well. If their mom gets better they can apologize and if not, your family and life are left intact.
Happy to read that you found a home for her dog.
Id get her dog the dog calming treats. The dog is also experiencing a huge upheaval of his life, and is very scared and upset from all the stress, new surroundings and new people who dont want the dog. It can pick up on all that stress. So it is highly stressed. The calming treats will help relax it. Take the dog for a nice walk. That will help destress the dog too. He might calm down with a steady routine and attention.
First thing get mil to a doc. Good luck.
The rep-payee assignment can be made at the SS office, can you get her there?
However if she has NPD that will be your biggest problem. She is relatively young and do not be guilted into taking on something you will not be able to deal with in the long term.
This is a fantasic development! Would you consider/ be able with that diagnosis to put her in a memory care home with that diagnosis for a respite of a week or two so you can tend to your own children to get them started back to school? I know your hands have been so full and I don't know how you are doing all this!
Just a few things that you should be aware of.
Narcissism and dementia both have issues.
A NPD person could lower your self esteem, ie. you're not good enough. And pit some people against each other.
With dementia, they lose the ability to reason. So arguments are pointless. They don't understand.
Always remember you are doing your best. If it doesn't work out, pleases look into other options, like a facility.
--- All the best
We took her out for her birthday. Got her her "dream pizza" and ice cream. Everything was going great, she was all smiles, until she wanted nuts on her ice cream. She's allergic. She got really upset and threw her ice cream away before I could even pay for it. I took a deep breath, and Facebooked her daughter. Gave Sister in Law the run down and she had a pleasant talk with Mom while we went home. Made sure I took pictures at the pizza place and I'm glad. Mom got upset because we -forgot- her birthday. Was able to show her the pictures to reassure her we did not.
She mentioned a problem with her lady bits, so we go back to the doctor tomorrow. She banged her knee on something the other day and I think she sprained it. Today, I tried to get her to rest, and elevate it. Went to the restroom and when I came back she was jumping on it, one footed. When I asked her why? "Well, it hurt. When something hurts, you just bang on it till it stops. Seriously, I'm only 14. I'm too young to feel like I'm falling apart". I took deep breaths and managed to get her interested in a movie.
She poured her cereal and milk onto a plate yesterday morning. This made me irrationally aggravated. We had just completed the section about what can you cook and how often and how well on the function report. She said she could cook so well. She can cook seven course dinners. She's a five star chef. She doesn't even have enough sense to use a bowl and not a plate for cereal! Had to take a lot of deep breaths. It seems like that's all I do anymore. Take deep breaths...
And at the end of the day, I feel bad. What could I have done better? Was there something that would've made her feel better? Is she comfortable enough? Is her heater still on or did she turn it off again? And in the morning, it starts all over. Irritation that she peed on the porch (seriously, why?!), Irritation that she's yelling at me for not having any clean clothes when her dresser is stuffed full of them. Irritation all day, guilt and worry all night. Round and round the carousel...
into their database.
It looks like you are making progress already.
It took 1-3 years for "discovery" issues like your mil's to come to the light.
After leaving his home, abruptly, our elder had no real information. But it is better now that one person is in charge.
Hope you can get this sorted.
Send in her form as she's written it. It presents a true picture of her ability, for example, to understand and process information. Just make sure it's stapled firmly to your own account. Will there be any kind of independent/professional assessment to go with this?
I hesitate, because I don't want you to spit in my eye even virtually, but your (completely barking!) MIL would be a good candidate for our reablement team.
Take the cereal, which would come under "meal preparation tasks."
MIL is able to: choose what she would like for breakfast; put her cereal onto her plate and add milk; feed herself.
MIL requires support to: select appropriate tableware, (?) use appropriate quantities.
Concerns: MIL can lose track of what meal preparation is being done and may be at risk of forgetting e.g. hot stoves, boiling kettles, etc.
So. If she were our client, we would turn up at her house at about a quarter to eight in the morning and use a combination of verbal prompting and minimal intervention to get the right food onto the right plate with her doing as much of the job as possible.
I have yet to get away from a morning call in under an hour, but I am new and I hope to improve. We have a maximum of forty five minutes allocated for each job (we'd also probably cover washing and dressing, maybe meds and creams), and seeing that some of our clients attempt to make their morning cup of tea with first cat kibble and then Bran Flakes (I won't forget her in a hurry!), the "stand back and let the client do it" theory does not always make it into reality. But you can get away with more cheating if you lavish praise on her for what she IS managing to do.
Can anybody send an OT in to help you analyse her routines and smooth out some of the bumps?
How are things with the dog?
Keep chipping away at those forms, and make it a point to visit the local SS office more frequently. Just to ask questions.
Call Medicare, with her on the phone to give consent for you to ask questions.
Today, in the mail, I received a letter from SS, which read in part:
SS said: "We recently reviewed the evidence (that I provided) in (your husband's) Social Security disability and found that his disability is continuing."
And, SS said: "We find that the work he has been doing does not show that he can do substantial work".
The rest of the letter contained really scary info that mostly, I do not understand. It has helped to be honest in reporting the true facts these past few years, even if there is fear he may be abruptly discontinued, or if the forms are scary, I will keep on advocating for my hubs.
Now, comes the IRS taxes. forms, procrastination. last minute efforts to comply. this is life!
I am telling you all this (not exactly specific to your case) to encourage you to keep on keeping on. And do not be afraid to go forward, even if you do not have all the answers for your Mil.
Take care of yourself. You are a caregiver!
So either she can't consent, because she's currently climbing the walls mentally speaking; or she won't, which is up to her; or just possibly they haven't thought to ask her. Your DH might like to check it isn't the last!