Elderly parent has allowed a working, adult child to move in with no strings attached. How do we get adult child to assist with parent?

I read your earlier posts, which provide a lot more background on this situation. Your mother does have a POA/HCPOA and will with executor. Are you any of these? She also lost a "large" sum of money in a hedge fund that was to be the inheritance. So it appears that her house is the only thing of real value in the inheritance?

How many siblings are there total? There is a disabled sibling that you will become the guardian to when your mother either isn't capable or dies.

Here's what I predict is going to happen. And, since your mother is in her late 80s, it can happen at any time and things can progress very quickly.

1. You are going to be increasingly called upon to do things for your mother that your brother can't/won't do (particularly of a personal nature). Just how close by are you? Where are the other siblings? If no one else is as close as you are, you will be the one doing all of the work.

2. Since the house appears to be the thing to leave for an inheritance, chances are you are correct that Mama intends to leave it to your brother. And so her moving into a facility at some point will be fought long and hard. Mama won't want to move into a facility, for the usual reasons plus because that will put your brother out of his home. It sounds from her financial situation that she could be Medicaid eligible. But I am curious as to how much SS she is able to squirrel away, since you mentioned there was a large amount in the hedge fund that was lost. Where is the excess SS money now? How much is in that account or account? Has she loaned or outright gifted your brother money? Because that could cause problems for Medicaid eligibility down the line.

I definitely think a family meeting is in order. Perhaps all of the siblings are going to be satisfied with what I suspect is what is actually going to happen, not that they have actually figured it out yet -- as Mama needs more and more help, YOU are going to be the one who either does it or facilitates it. Your brother will do no more than the little he does now.

So...are you willing to accept this? If not, then time to get moving to change the course of what I suspect is going to be your future.

(Or are you and your siblings all financially comfortable and can hire any and all help for your mother, including possibly at some point 24/7 around the clock care, or a very nice private-pay facility? That way, your brother can continue to live in the house and eventually inherit it.)

I dealt with this too. Mom didn’t need a caregiver when my oldest brother lived with her.

He was lazy because mom waited on him hand and foot.

What incentive did he have to be motivated to do anything?

He worked too but blew threw his money like water.

I felt it was her business but I soon tired of her boo hooing about his behavior.

She allowed him to move in. I didn’t have any super powers to change him. It was her problem.

Trust me my family reads like a soap opera! I can’t decide if I would rather write a script for a soap or do stand up comedy!

Does your mom stir the pot between siblings? Does she tell embellished stories to others for sympathy?

My mom did both and then was foolish enough to wonder why there was friction among the siblings.

I never corrected her embellishments to others. I figured they were her lies and she could correct them if she saw fit. I was fine with knowing the truth myself.

Some people are fortunate enough to have loving relationships with normal ups and downs.

Others have complicated situations that are difficult to bear. The people who have walked in your shoes will relate and empathize with you.

I hope things will work out as best they can for all members of your family.

They have probably just settled into a mode of comfort that suits them both. She is older and feels better/more secure with him in the home. They probably don't really need anything right now. They are doing fine.

Historically, is he a handyman type? Did he ever do repair things? If not, he doesn't know how now. When you see something that needs repair, hire a handyman to do it if you think it's over his head. Keep communication with him open so that if mom needs more care later on, decisions can be made. Help can be hired to tend to her personal needs, while he is there to keep her from being alone.

You simply tell both of them: If you need something over here, let me know and we'll figure it out.

His being there at night 24/7 can cost over $70K if someone had to be hired to really do that. Maybe she's not to the point where she can't be physically alone, but he's companionship. He's validation.

When she really does need it--i.e. incontinence, falls, ER trips, whatever, he'll elect to move out if he can't handle it. And if he does, it's not necessarily bonus points with Mom.

If there's no POA, I'd say let them handle it--because if they can't I'm very sure you'll hear from them.

Edit: Schedule A family meeting.

Imho, schedule and family meeting. Prayers sent.

Taarna's comment reminded me of a good point. The brother is working full-time now, but what would happen if his mother fell and broke a bone, got sick or got dementia? Would he will work full time, or would he stay home to do at least some of the care? This should be discussed at some point, with an understanding in place.

Best way to address this issue of mom's aging and future needs for care is to have a family meeting. Get mom to agree that this is to help each person decide how he or she is willing and able to help in case she has an emergency. Ask each person what he/she can do if mom had a "bad fall or broke a leg" and needed help. Topics to cover are doctor appointments, care of the home, helping mom with her care needs (bathing, dressing, staying with her for a portion of the day), helping with finances (either paying for home health aides or paying for groceries/bills or paying her bills with her accounts)... You can then talk to your sibling about how he needs to step up to pay rent or pay in services for the ability to live with mom since he has obligations as a roommate - and to create a fund so mom can pay for home health aides when she needs them. After your meeting, write everything up as "agreements" - it should lean a little more in direction of agreements on the live-in brother. Make sure everybody gets copies of the agreements. I would also suggest that you discuss with your mom powers of attorney for finances and medical as well as will. She should visit a lawyer who deals with family law to handle this while she is still mentally capable.

You ought to imo, shut up and be grateful. If you persist in feeling more must be done then it would be up to your mother and brother to consult with an elder law attorney and create a caregiver agreement which would spell out what the expectations were for him AND his compensation arrangements (room, board?) The burden of caregiving on site for whatever hours he is present cannot be stressed enough. It's like working 24/7, because it is. You're on call, always aware, alert and he probably assists in other ways you may deem petty. I'm here to say as that person, it takes a toll, sometimes unseen. Don't underestimate that. How many times on this forum have we heard from children doing the bulk of it while the siblings are otherwise out of town, with no sense of obligation or doing any of the labor that be of help? Do I sound angry? Sorry. I am the one who stayed put. I didn't mind. I believed my parents had done much for me and although living here rent free, I pay for much of what I use including food. Up until a few months ago, I cooked, cleaned, advocated, scheduled, bill payed (I'm also POA by choice). And then the unexpected happened: One Sunday late in September I became weak. Just didn't feel good. Friend came over and we called the rescue squad who took me to the local hospital where I was transported by helicopter to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic and treated surgically for a dissected aorta. Seems they don't really know why these happen all the time but until then I was healthy or so I thought. I just got off the phone with a nurse who works with the surgeon who told me for the first time that when I was brought in how critical I was and they basically resusitated me. Sorry for spelling air, not usually a word in my daily vocabulary....So I am angry. I gave it my all and nearly died, and didn't think what I was doing was THAT big a deal. But it all takes a toll and there is no Easy-pass for that. So, as I said, be grateful of your brother's needs so that he is there to pay the debt by keeping watch. You are very lucky. Pray for your brothers well-being and health.

The answer is- you don’t. You must have plenty of things in your own life and family, kids, relationships etc to tend to.

since you stated she’s of sound mind - both physically and mentally solid how did you get the idea that it’s something for you to feel you need to manage?? I read somewhere in your post about this and it may be a sibling rivalry thing for you but apparently she likes having his company with her. This isn’t a caregiving related issue, from what you write it sounds like it has to do with interpersonal sibling issues you could sort out with a therapist

Your successful experience of asking for a specific chore or follow up to be done sounds like a good start. Maybe periodic reminders to both your brother and your mother for things that need to be done would require brother to be involved and would begin to teach him what's going to be needed if he does eventually take over the house. You can ask if they have "scheduled their furnace inspection yet" or ask if they have had the lawnmower serviced or if they are hiring a lawn care company this year.

If you visit and see things that need attention, you might offer references for painters, plumbers, repair people. Then check in a few months to follow up to see if the repair has been done.

Your brother may continue living with your mother for free and getting the house in the end for his troubles which obviously feels "unfair" to you. Your mother could put the house in trust to all of her children, so all of you would eventually benefit from ts value. If your brother continued living there on his own, he would be responsible for routine maintenance, property taxes etc. Structural repairs should be shared by all the trustees.

If your mom has her wits about her than actually it's none if your business what your mom allows in regards to her son living there.
You and your other siblings can start by declining to do something that she asks you to do and tell her that the brother living with her can do it and let him do it or it doesn't get done.

Onow legally she gives up her rights to one of her children to make choices for her, then you canet the brother know what is expected of him if he wants to continue living there.

For now, even tho he doesn't seem to contribute much, he's still there for some companionship and at night if something happens which is like having an overnight Caregiver which woul cost you $12-$20 an hour.

I ran out of room. Part 2. I watched Dr phil. When those stories happen (failure to launch) its usually the parent that helps emotionally cripple the troubled kid. That way the kid always needs them, their always a parent, and kid can't leave bc its too hard/fail out in real world. Parent doesnt want to see them hurt, out in the cruel world. Usually drugs/alcohol involved too. Good luck.

I would probably resign that it is a co enabling relationship. Your mom probably babies him bc she has her child there. Probably her favorite child there (now). She needs to see to him in some capacity, it makes her feel needed. She's not lonely, and it gives her purpose in life. Without him what would she do? A lot of elderly dont go out and find friends. They were always taking care of family, so they stay home. Its what their used to. She has a purpose and worries about him, caters to him. Shes not an old vulnerable lady living alone. No one to check on her but occasionally. She's loving it. Thats why she is defensive. Shes not going to change or kick him out. I bet in her eyes he can do no wrong. Getting him out would spiral her down. She wouldn't have a purpose.
It also suits him. He gets to save his money for whatever reason, she may cook, clean, do laundry, even make his bed for him. He has companionship and a mom's love. He sounds like a teen. Not wanting to do small chores.
No empty apartment to go home to. No schlepping to the store to drag home groceries after being tired from work, then cooking something. Then spend a few hrs doing laundry. Then a boring eve alone. Or to go find a mate which can be hard. So its easier, and its working for them. It is keeping her young. Is it an enmeshed relationship. But its working for them. I knew a lady in her late 40s. Lived with her parents. Never married. Called home every day at 11 and chatted for a half hour about what their doing for dinner. Every day! They loved it.

I wouldn't be surprised if he expects the house if she has to move into assisted living. Or if carers come, he will have a say in what their doing or when they are there.
I bet you he wont step up more. He's a guy. A lot think thats women's work. Or will say I cant see to her personal needs. Were related. When the time comes, make him pony up $ if he won't help. Maybe as a family you can all have a meeting. Even face time/skype it. Ask him to do chores. Might work. Probably not because she will say later don't worry about it.
But from one who knows, the roof should be checked. When was the last time shingles were put on. The chimney checked. Furnace, hot water etc. Checked, maint kept up. That can go by the wayside if someone gets sick. Then house needs major repairs done to sell bc no one thought about it. Or roof starts leaking bc it hadn't been done in 30yrs. Something to consider by Poa/Exec. If that's him good luck.

My money is on he is expecting the house in exchange for company. He also might be expecting everything in it too. I've seen that situation too many times and the person never moved. Id ask both of them so you know. Nothing wrong with that if everyone is ok with it. Or medical bills/estate bills don't need to be paid. Just be prepared if she needs $ for her care. I think he is her new favorite and you won't get them apart. She will resent the rest of the family, and it might kill her if you all gang up and tell him to get out. Id hate to see her cry and get upset and mad at the rest of the family. Then her health deteriorate bc she has no purpose any more and thinks she's been abandoned. Have a meeting, get everyone on same page and have contingency plans for her later care. Good luck.
She's needed now. And I think your brother is crapping up the house so no one can visit on purpose. So if anyone does come over, have them come early and clean and throw his junk back in his room lol. If u keep doing that enuff times, he'll get the idea. But if everyone says I can't stay in the spare room, he's won.

And the short fuse is so you and everyone else backs off. Just let him slam doors and hollar. But if you do that just remain calm and act like you dont hear it. Again sounds like a sulky teen. Is he smoking pot? Seems like it. The attitude, no help, no independence. Maybe u should read up on how to deal with moody teens and use ideas on him lol. i think that would work.

Co-Dependent Relationship - your mother invited him to
move in without a time limit or setting expectations of any kind. She wants him there or she would ask him to leave or ask for help on this issue. My brother lived with my mother until his late 50’s .. make no mistake, it’s a trap. When my brother finally moved, he went to live with his daughter. My mother then invited me to move in, I told her thanks but no thanks. It’s very easy to live free with little or no living expenses in exchange for providing company to a lonely senior. As a sibling of this situation, it is annoying as it appears your mother is being taken advantage of, yet she set up this living arrangement. Your brother has become complacent, enjoying having all his income without any cost of living. I wasted too much time & effort trying to get my brother to move out of my mother’s house for his sake & hers. My mother defended him saying he was taking care of her when in reality, she was taking care of him. Again, co-dependent relationship.

Take down the smoke detector and put it under his pillow.

If I understand the situation, mom is competent, this is her own home, so why should she not make the decisions she wants to? Sound like there may be a long history of unfair treatment of siblings, possible resentment, etc. Resentment is quite understandable if kids are treated unfairly. But the sad fact is that if mom is playing favorites that is her right in this situation. Her house, her rules. I've found that if one child is favored above the others, you can call parent on their unfairness. But in the end, you cannot control parent. You can control yourself and decide what you are willing to do and not willing to do. And, at least mentally, walk away from the situation.

With all due respect to your situation I still don’t understand how a grown man who holds down a job can sit around with his elderly mom and not fix a beeping smoke detector.

Im guessing that you and your family are willing to put up with him because at least he’s a pair of eyes on the situation. Can you rely on him to let you know if mom needs help?

So if you asked brother to step it up and help a little around the house all hell would break loose!? Why so timid with this guy. I understand that you don’t want a family feud/nightmare but he can’t be bothered to change a lightbulb? Is he mentally impaired in some way? Is he incapable of screwing in a lightbulb?

Im 66 year old man. Spent my life fixing stuff, taking care of parents house, my house, friends houses, everybody’s cars, you name it. I’m not a hero just a typical blue collar guy who works his hands. All the men I know are pretty much like me so this really seems odd to me that dear brother seems to feel he lives in a motel.

I truly sympathize with your situation, just trying to understand.

I'd say DO tiptoe a little around this issue.

We had a family 'conference' about 5 years about getting mother some 'in home' help--she had agreed to it (she lives with YB who still has 4 adult kids living at home--not a real healthy dynamic, to be honest)...

All us sibs met and tried to have a conversation with YB about mom's health (he is VERY protective--to an unhealthy degree) and what could we do to help. Her place is not clean or hygienic, she will not allow anyone to clean and she doesn't see well enough to get that she needs to let us or someone get in there and clean deeply and minimally get rid of the bird mess and the dog pee and--years of thick dust...on everything.

I did not see the BLOWUP coming that YB had. I mean, he went ballistic on me. Screamed and ended up crying--so our concerns that he was overwhelmed were supported...BUT, in the end, he agreed to ZERO outside help, even though mother wanted it.

Yes, he's mentally ill, but we realized we cannot help him. He put the kibosh on everything and so we (the other 4 sibs) backed down and let him know we'd do anything and to please stop trying to be a martyr about mother's care. None of the rest of us would have taken her in, he has done a good job but is burnt out.

He is SO ANGRY if one of us tries to 'help' mother. I do not know what sick dynamic pushes him to be so weird about her.

The other sibs and I quietly agreed to sit back and let him run the show, It was not worth the drama to 'help'.

YB doesn't know he stands to 'inherit' exactly the same amount as the other 4 of us--less than $10K a piece, which frankly, pretty much nothing.

"walking on eggshells" perfectly describes how we feel about him. He's definitely NOT doing for mom what she needs, but she complains and we remind her she has to work things through HIM, we are powerless.

Either accept the situation as is - that your brother is a momma's boy and your mother likes it that way - or make different choices as to what you do. Maybe stopping will force the issue (or not) but a few times of hearing "Sorry, mom, I'm busy. Ask Johnny boy to do it" may spur your mother into telling her son to get off his behind and start helping.

My advice is to know what you can control, and what you cannot; that you cannot change others, your bro or your Mom. You cannot MAKE others do things. And developing an adversarial relationship with this brother would be utterly dreadful for all involved.
Also, your mother is in charge of her own life. You have said your Mom is likely glad to have the company there. I would think his being there is a comfort to her at her age.
Please don't start a sibling war. Why not just get all siblings together ALONG WITH MOM and ask her, "What can we all do for you to make you feel more secure and safe, Mom?" We know you may need help with shopping, appointments, now and in future and we all want to be here for your support. And then go on about how "_________living with you now must be a comfort in terms of home safety. But what can we all do to divvy up some chores".
Help your brother and your Mom instead of causing problems about his free rent.
Again, your Mom's life; and while she CAN make choices, she should.
I am 78. Lo the child that comes to me and tells me who can live in my home, and under what circumstances. Or the child who tries to interfere in my decision making while I am capable of making decisions. We lose enough, and if we live long enough we lose EVERYTHING, including the memories that make us who we are.
Band together now in LOVE and cooperation, would be my advice to you all.
And by the way, "letting him know he has no choice?" Ummmmmm. He does. He has a choice, if you approach him as an adversary, to blow you off completely. It is not your home. It is not your decision. You don't make the rules. Sorry if I sound harsh, but as a nurse I often saw children make it so awful for their parents over these issues that the poor parent was left to weep to ME, a nurse who could do nothing to save them as siblings warred, sometimes literally over their very beds. It is dreadful for a fragile elder to witness this at the end of their lives. And it had a dreadful and lasting effect on how I feel when siblings clash. I am trying to prevent that for all of you. It will do awful harm to someone you love and are trying to protect.
Now, clearly I could be missing something. There was a sentence there about possible "fear" in your mother regarding asking your bro when he plans to move out. I don't know your brother; but I suggest you other siblings get to know him well; be there with groceries and casseroles and support so you can fully assess if there is any fear there.
Sure do wish you good luck.

Sounds like what you’re saying without saying it is that your brother has mental health issues, everyone tiptoes around him, and he and your mom have an unhealthy dynamic between the two of them. Take away the living with each other part and you’d find a very similar situation we long had in our family. I have a brother who’s not well in any way. He does hold down a job but is unliked there. Our family has been unconsciously trained for years to tiptoe around his temper and frequent meanness. He and my dad had a warped dynamic, he often took from my dad but was openly resentful of being asked to help out. My dad defended him most all the time though we could tell he knew the truth of it. I think dad felt some misplaced guilt that his son wasn’t mentally well. It’s likely if your scenario is similar to mine that your brother is waiting out inheritance. I hope he’s not POA, executor of her will, or having access to mom’s money now. I get that his presence is helpful but it’s also feeding the illusion, along with all this family help, of your mother’s independence. Nothing wrong with that while it’s sustainable, it’s just hard to keep up as issues advance, especially when the one there won’t budge on helping. I know the walking on eggshells feeling, sorry you’re in the position.

"We want all siblings to be involved in our mother’s care and home maintenance"

I get that. But each will choose for themselves what they can/will do.

"How do we delicately broach the topic with both or either of them".

Honesty is your best policy. Be polite but direct. Tip toeing around can be exhausting.

My family has 'hinters'. They drop hints & wait.. but don't clearly ask so it's hard to work out if it's an actual request or not. I suppose they are trying to be polite but it just causes confusion instead.

My Aunt on the other hand, says it like it is. Her kids are asked directly if they can or can't & they answer yes or no. We all need more of that!

He provides at the very least companionship and overnight supervision. You might want to look at this as services that have some value rather than involving no monetary contribution. Does your mother have an advanced healthcare directive and poa in place?

Gosh I feel for you there. I am not in this situation, but maybe my advice would be to have a family meeting - maybe without your mother.

I wouldn't bring up the monetary elephant in the room during the first meeting. That way he won't close up automatically. Maybe start with a "We don't want you to feel burdened as the only caregiver here. We want to know what you see, how we can help. " Let him lay out the tasks that he does and then you can be like "who takes mom to do this? Can we help with that?" Hopefully, he will see this as an eye-opening meeting and decide to step up or step out. It also will help you all maintain your boundaries with who's in charge of taking mom to the store, who's in charge of taking mom to doctor's appointments, who's in charge of maintaining the lawn, etc.