Family member, 62, lives alone. Past bad experiences with father, and grandmother. Emotionally abusive. Wife left him, had to pay maximum, he says more, child support. Crooked deal according to him. Repeats these stories to all family members. How he was so taken advantage of. Not good, I agree. I am his sister. But these people are long dead, now, with exception of ex.
Dad dead since '05. Grandmother since 92. Just days ago, he said yet again, "Why did my Daddy do that to me??" I don't know. You would have to ask him.
He is unable to let go of past. Relives it in the telling to the point I have seen tears in his eyes. It upsets him to relive it, can't get that across. And it upsets all of us, to hear these negative experiences retold, and often. Used to think I was this emotional trigger to his past, until I found out he did the same to other family members.
He admitted just recently he has low self esteem as well.
Dementia? Metal toxicity? OCD? What could cause this?
He keeps saying we "just do not understand!" He is right. The past is ancient history. All of us have had bad experiences.
Any thoughts?
Thanks
Is your brother employed? He needs to keep himself busy so won't have time to dwell on the past and how so much went wrong. If he is retired, find some type of volunteer work he can do, volunteering is such a feel good thing :)
In fact I read that if a person does alcohol or drugs, beginning age 14 and does until age 30, then quits, emotionally he is still 14. Never learned to cope! Recently came to realize that emotionally he is about that age.
He buried himself in work, beginning in teen years, parents divorced, and we lived with Dad's mother, and him when he bothered to drop in from his other family.
But we can not change past. He stays very busy. He learned that in teen years.
It sounds like he has taken the opportunity to talk about these events to you and others. That doesn't seem to be enough to get him past it. I don't know if it would help him, but you could help yourself by not listening anymore. "Brother, I am so sorry you had that experience. I think you should talk to a counselor about it. You deserve that support. But I can't change the past for you. Let's talk about something else. Did you watch the game Sunday?" If necessary leave or close the phone call, saying you'll talk to him later and hope he is willing to talk about something else then.
Be supportive and sympathetic and urge him to get the help he deserves. But don't let those topics be your only connection to him.
psychologytoday/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201306/the-seven-hidden-dangers-brooding-and-ruminating
Anti anxiety drugs have helped with this.
She needed therapy and medications. I think this is mostly depression and the "poor pitiful me" way of thinking. Mom actually had a pretty loving family.
Your brother needs someone to talk through all of this with. A professional is ideal but don't expect him to change his thought patterns without a lot of help. Good luck and limit your time around him. He will wear you out, mom did me.
So even if he did come to terms with what happened the residue is there and as he gets older and less able to command anything so the disempowerment returns. I do the woe is me sometimes - I know I do but I don't actually want sympathy from it I just need to vent it out from time to time. I so hope that doesn't become more often as I get older. Therapy will help but the chink will remain