My Friend has been yelling about things that I know are false. She has had brain cancer and strokes and a pacemaker put in. Example. Electric wheelchair was dead and I had put it on charge. Came in had dead wheelchair she told me she unplugged it one minute and like 10 minutes later aggressively told me she didn't. Then tonight I asked her to clean up her dresser and she brought up a shirt that her MIL gave her and said it wasn't hers. I told her it was and she started yelling she knows what clothes she has. I'm soooo frustrated with the yelling and the boldface lying. What do I do?
You are in a tough spot, responsibility without authority. You really need to get their family involved.
Since you can not make the decision to have in home health brought in or decide if it is time for a facility, you will never break that promise. If the needs are such that they must go to a facility, continue being her bosom friend and treat it as her new home and isn't it great. Help make the space theirs.
Encourage the family to keep them together, there are many places that allow spouses to remain together and I believe that it is the best, until it isn't.
You are a precious woman and a phenomenal friend. This brain journey is confusing, scary and frustrating give yourself some slack when you do take it personal, but try to remember this is a broken brain screaming and yelling, not your beloved friend.
Hugs 2 u! That we were all blessed with a friend like you.
My dad lied about driving on a suspended license. “I swear the car has been sitting in the driveway!” (Except when he’s out driving 6x a day)
as hard as it seems, try to remove yourself from the line of Fire, and be firm and consistent, matter-of-fact, and non confrontational. Almost as if you’re an observer in the situation. You’re not dealing with a rational minded person. You’re dealing with a stranger.
This is frightening to the person losing his or her memory; frightened people get combative. Imagine how you'd feel if you'd gone through most of your life with the confidence of a well-educated, social-minded, politically active, religious, broad-minded well-rounded human being and suddenly you couldn't remember your children's names, or what day it was. There will be some yelling.
It greatly depends on what part of the brain has been effected by the cancer and by any treatments she may have had as well as any strokes or other trauma.
Just think of it as a broken part of the body that will not heal. All you can do is accept it for what it is. There are things the might make it easier to deal with though.
Do not argue. ..probably the most difficult mainly be "we" always want to be correct ;)
Change the topic.
Laugh. I am talking about a real "belly laugh" I did this with my husband once and was amazed that he went from being adamant about doing something to stopping and laughing with me. He completely forgot about what he wanted.
Leave the room (if it is safe to do so) take a break, count to 10 or 100, make a cup of tea. Anything to move away from the situation by the time you return things will be easier to focus on.
Put on some favorite music.
By the way I don't think I would call what she is doing is lying. A lie is when you KNOW the truth and say something else. I think she may not know what the truth is. She may not have remembered where the shirt came from, may not have known that she unplugged the wheelchair. She may have known what she was doing at the time but later forgot OR when she unplugged it may not even known what she was doing. Again it all depends on how the brain is effected.
Are you primary caregiver or are there others? You need a break. There is a lot of talk on this site as well as any caregiver site or group about self care it is important. It is normal to feel frustrated, angry, burnt out, you have to remember to care for yourself as well.
Whenever possible I try to make various ‘Huh, Ah’ noises and say nothing vs. engaging a/o contradicting her. Unless the item comes up repeatedly and she won’t let it go. Look for videos on talking with people with dementia on YouTube, I found some good ones! You’re so sweet to be in her life. We’ll get better at this, then will always have the skill handy. Blessings.
something they forgot. With my mother, I take the path of
least resistance and try to keep her calm and happy and agree with her.