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I have always had a very sensitive stomach, I can’t deal with certain smells, even with my own children and grandchildren. I start throwing up. I really don’t think I can deal with changing her soiled diapers. How do I deal with this?
if this is something that you truly can not do you have a few options. Hire caregivers they would have to be round the clock since briefs should be checked fairly often, about every 2 hours. Placing mom in the appropriate facility Memory Care, Assisted Living or if mom has particular medical needs a Skilled Nursing Facility
thank you for response. Unfortunately, either I nor my mom have the financial resources to hire a full time caregiver. We may have to look into long term care, which I know mom will resist. I hope her insurance will cover.Thanks again!
I never felt it was my job to tend my mom's bodily needs as she aged. Heck, trimming her fingernails and facial hair was as intimate as I was prepared to get.
I think movies and books sometimes paint a rosy and romantic picture of aging and of doting children gathered around the respected elder. In fact elder care is often smelly, messy and literally back-breaking.
As long as you arrange good care for your mom, in my book you are doing what is required.
I told both of my parents I would take care of them until it came time for cleaning up bowel or bladder messes. Fortunately they didn’t have that problem.
I think that I read that incontinence is the number 1 reason for facility placement.
I can't do it either. I have nasal memory and I smell things all day and if especially vile, days. My gag relfex starts and won't stop.
That was the deal with my dad, as long as you can handle toileting you can live in my home. Didn't even make it through rehab before the offer was withdrawn. I could smell he had an issue and he argued that is was the bathroom. Yep! Not gonna happen, not having a 300# pound man with crap all over his backside living in my home and arguing that it's not him.
For anyone that is going to say she did it for you, nope, a little baby butt business is NOT the same, period
You are not obligated to do this. You can place her, use her money to hire aides and advocate for her as her daughter.
And to add to those who say she did it for you..... I remember saying to someone that when I was a baby my parents weren't 65-70 years old. Huge difference!!
Thank you AMG2156 for posting your question & thank you to those of you who responded in such an understanding manner. It really helps when people understand and don't judge us. I am dealing with the same issue with my husband who is fecal incontinent and I find it to be the most disgusting thing to have to deal with. It's been going on for several years now and I've finally hired help to come in and help with him in the mornings and early afternoons so I don't have to deal with the messes. Unfortunately, he still sometimes ends up going after they've left for the day. I just can't handle it anymore and have decided it's time for assisted living facility regardless of the financial burden, but he's refusing to go. He is only 64 and has Parkinson's and I see this as a long road ahead since his mother lived to 87 and has dad is 91 and going strong. I'm feeling so trapped dealing with this.
My dad had emergency bowel surgery the same week that we shut down for the 15 days to slow the spread of Covid. I was going to move to online teaching for my school but I became my dad’s colostomy bag care giver. I was not a nurse but because of Covid he was discharged to my mother and I for care. I had to go on YouTube to find out how to change his bag and I remember how I felt with my dad having his daughter change his colostomy bag and the complete frustration I felt that I was not trained to do this properly and yet here I was…Luckily, a wonderful at home care nurse helped us out and we managed to make it through 3 months of bag changing. Sometimes, we don’t get to chose what we have to do in life but it built a stronger resilience in me that I never thought I had. I also found that YouTube can show you how to do almost anything.
You are definitely not a bad daughter for not wanting to do this. What I have found is that that the relationship matters. When my dad was on his deathbed, in at home hospice for the last month of his life, he pooped and peed on himself frequently ... even though I obviously didn't enjoy it, I was able to clean his messes because I loved that man to death. I don't feel the same way about my mom so that I know when the time comes, and it's coming sooner rather than later because she's already having some occasional bowel and urinary incontinence, that I am just not going to be able to deal with it. Let me say it again, you are definitely not a bad daughter. You're just a human and I suspect that most humans experience disgust when faced with fecal matter of other adults.
It's more of a matter of finances, really. My Mom's bedbound & double incontinent. I take care of it all. If she or I could afford to hire anyone or could afford a placement - then yes, I'd never change another adult diaper or wipe another rear end. I think most people do these activities because there's no other option for them at the time. It doesn't make me a better daughter because I do this for her, just a daughter who doesn't have the finances to seek other options. Changing adult diapers has nothing to do with your worth as a good person or a good daughter. It's just a task that needs to be done by someone.
Why isn't your mom on Medicaid then if she doesn't have money? You can put her in a nursing home where she would be on a regular schedule of diaper changes.
You can use Vicks vapor rub (or some other skin creme) and good ventilation to cover the smell. I found after doing this for a while, the smell didn't bother me as much. Many caregivers use latex gloves.
The first time Mom needed me to clean her was when she suffered a fall that resulted in her knee replacement being broken away from the bone. I was so concentrated on getting her clean without causing additional pain I don't remember being bothered with much else. I found the assurance disposable washcloths (like really large baby wipes) with aloe and vitamin e and a plastic grocery bag to place everything in very helpful. When you're done, you can tie the plastic bag closed and put it into a trash bag you keep tied closed between deposits and throw it out daily. A little pine sol in the bag heps with the smell there.
I did view it as the same as changing diapers on a child. Little kids can have very messy and very smelly "messes". I don't think anyone finds this task easy, but necessity rules. My mother (and my sister dying of lung cancer before) needed it done, and so I thought of their discomfort and how I didn't want them lying in their own filth and got it done. I found caring for my sister much harder than for my mother. My mother's body was still largely in tact when I cared for her, my sister's body was wasted from the cancer treatments and the disease itself, My sister was also my first experience in providing this level of care.
I do not think you are a bad daughter. When my mother had her hip and knee replacements, one of my brothers didn't visit her very often. He told me he couldn't stand to see her in pain. He would call her and send anything she needed, but he couldn't cope well with seeing her in pain and so limited in independent movement. Years later, my brother would cope better with the abusive language of our father's vascular dementia than I would. We all have different limits. I will suggest that we can often cope with more than we believe we can. When we _know_ we have to do it or allow our loved ones to suffer, we can find the strength to get through. It is hard and harder on some of us than others. Because you are struggling doesn't mean you are "bad" or less loving. If you cannot handle the hands-on care, arranging for someone else to provide the care is a very acceptable alternative.
This was the worst thing for me and my Mom could use the toilet but I had to clean her up. I have a sensitive nose and like u stomach. There were a number a reasons why Mom went to an AL and toileting was one of them. When she had an accident there, I called in the staff. I allowed the staff to do everything for Mom.
Maybe time to consider Long-term care. If no money, Medicaid could be applied for.
It is not just a matter of smells. Using Vaseline under my nose would not help me at all. Just looking at it, I start gagging and throw up. Adult diaper change CANNOT be compared to baby diaper change. It’s Very different! Thank you all for your advise.
I totally relate to you. You are not a bad daughter and I am not a bad wife. We cannot change how we are designed. We can try to accommodate it, but we sure can't change it. It is nowhere near the same as a baby diaper. I could handle my own kids' diapers but not others, not even the grandkids' diapers. And there is no shame in that! (I've been told to repent -- sorry but this is not a sin issue either.)
Try getting a bidet attachment for the toilet. Every time she uses the toilet, you can make sure to activate the bidet. You will have to "check" after she defecates to make sure she is clean. If need be activate the bidet a couple of times.
If you can't do it, you can't do it. If it happens all day long, you're going to have to have someone on hand all the time to handle that task for you. Some people say Vicks vaporub under the nose blocks the smell (a lot of cops at crime scenes use it).
When I didn't HAVE to do it, because someone else was handy, I gagged uncontrollably. I had never changed a kids diaper in my life. Animal messes, yes, but no people mess. Sometimes just going in to someone else's bathroom could take me out. When it came down to the wire, I had no choice. It was hard the first time. Now, several years down the road, no problem.
If you have to change her wear a mask and a face shield. This will help. If you can't do it that's okay. No judgments here and it does not make you a bad daughter. The alternatives are put her in a nursing home or have homecare coming to the house. I have been in homecare for almost 25 years. I have gotten to a point now where I just cannot wipe another a$$ or change another adult diaper. It happens and not being able to do it does not make a persona a bad anything.
I have been a diaper changer of little children for most of my career. No problem! But I won't change an adult diaper or messed body. Knowing your personal limits is necessary to be sane!
You are not a bad daughter. Hire a personal carer to come in for an hour twice a day to wash and dress/undress her. Daft though it sounds try to keep a diary of the times she poops most people's bodies has set times of day e.g. half an hour after breakfast. Then you will be able to arrange someone to come in at hopefully the right times. We cannot control our sense of smell although you may find real medical FFP3 masks will help because of their high level of filtration.
I already know I will not be changing my mom's pants. She is still driving and doesn't need care yet. But, incontinence messes are happening more often - she hasn't switched to full coverage disposables! She still can clean up when accidents happen. But if and when she can't clean up, she'll have to move to a place where she gets that help. I simply know myself and that isn't what I'm promising to do for her. And part time Home help can't come running just because she is!
A little humor: My 90 yo dad is still caring for himself at home. He falls occasionally and moves slow and takes a zillion meds but still keeps it all straight. I am helpful and visit and talk to him daily. For some reason he feels it necessary to tell me about his bowel movements and urination and toileting issues! I don't need to know. Thanks, Dad! LOL I've taught him what TMI means, that's for sure!
Have been in healthcare for 35 years. The bottom line to me is, no ones home is designed/made to handle incontinence issues like a hospital or care facility. From the flooring to disposal to laundry and frankly, smells associated with continence issues, this is difficult at best at home. You are not a bad daughter, everyone has their limits. I had dreaded what would happen when my husband (56 with brain cancer) got to this phase-he is now in assisted living. He occasionally has a urinary accident and I'm very grateful to no be dealing with it here.
Do you have any caregiver or agency help? Maybe having a caregiver will slowly help you better adjust. Usually our bodies are on a schedule but if she lives with you there is for sure a time it will happen and nobody will be there.
With my mom it was after her stroke and I was in the hospitals with her and always just helping the CNAs so I think maybe that is where I got use to it. She was so out of it after her stroke that I started just being there with her to talk to her while they washed her up and slowly I then started helping and it then became just normal I guess - maybe I just didn’t have time to think about it. For the first 9 months she was on a feeding tube and that made for loose bowel movements so yup there have probably been a few times of gagging or eyes watering - it will happen for sure but now it just is what we do every day.
I can hear your struggle and would suggest that maybe if you can to get a morning caregiver to help and maybe after some time of just helping them it may desensitize you?
Ps I always have sprays and candles to help. I always light the candle in the morning before we start wash up (but I always have candles going in my home anyhow). Having a spray may help as well.
No, it does not make you a bad daughter. There are some great suggestions in the comments. You might think about nose plugs and breathing through your mouth whilst you clean up. Also "Oust" and other odor control sprays do work. There are some really good OTC meds like Nauzene, to help control the Nausea. To help control your mom's stomach you might try to get her on some probiotics that will help in digestion. I can't hear or witness someone vomit even on TV. I have to turn my head or cover my ears/eyes. I used to have a coworker that would not bathe for weeks sometimes months. She would wear soiled/unwashed undergarments to work, along with her BO, unwashed hair, etc. I became somewhat of an expert on controlling the urge to hurl around odors. I usually beat her to work and would regularly go into her workspace and spray it down with "Oust". When she finally quit they cleaned out her office and found dozens of pairs of undergarments in various states of befoulment.
I have the same issue. I have to clean my mom who at times get extremely explosive episodes while in her bed fully clothed and by the time I get her into the restroom and the door closed it has carried the horrible smell throughout my entire house and has sent my husband and at times our guests running out the door at full speed. I too use Vicks under and sometimes half way stuffed up my nose. It works better that anything else. I open the windows not matter how cold it is outside and use about 3/4 can of room spray per room. It still is very hard to do and I don't think it will get much easier but I do it for love. If you can;'t do it anymore than make other arrangements for other care and don't be hard on yourself because honestly I am not sure how much longer I can hold out either.
Hang in there and give yourself credit for all you have done so far.
oh and gloves are a help too and the thicker the better Good luck
An exhaust fan will help air the room quickly. I use styrofoam around the fan in the winter (taped to the window and fan frame) and an inside complete cover in the winter months (when not in use). I have also built a "box" with a bathroom exhaust fan mounted in it to accomplish the same function. before these fans were available. Exhausting the air quickly removes the smell and because it is pulling air from the rest of the house, the room doesn't get cold.
Personally, I understand perfectly as this is something that I feel I could not handle. Some people can but many could not and would not - to me, quite normal. If there is no caretaker and no one to help you, then I hate to say it but perhaps she should be in a health care facility. Not everyone can be a good caretaker any more than every one can be an engineer or a sales person. We are all different. I have always preached that no matter who or why, when the behaviors and needs start harming those who do the caretaking, then they must be placed. I think this is such a case. Have you had her medically checked to see if she is o.k. or if it is just aging.
amg2156: Imho, that is difficult to deal with. Some individuals in the service field, e.g. police, coroners, health care staff, etc. have a trick that they employ and that is to apply a layer of Vicks vaporub under their noses. You are NOT a bad daughter.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Hire caregivers they would have to be round the clock since briefs should be checked fairly often, about every 2 hours.
Placing mom in the appropriate facility Memory Care, Assisted Living or if mom has particular medical needs a Skilled Nursing Facility
I think movies and books sometimes paint a rosy and romantic picture of aging and of doting children gathered around the respected elder. In fact elder care is often smelly, messy and literally back-breaking.
As long as you arrange good care for your mom, in my book you are doing what is required.
I can't do it either. I have nasal memory and I smell things all day and if especially vile, days. My gag relfex starts and won't stop.
That was the deal with my dad, as long as you can handle toileting you can live in my home. Didn't even make it through rehab before the offer was withdrawn. I could smell he had an issue and he argued that is was the bathroom. Yep! Not gonna happen, not having a 300# pound man with crap all over his backside living in my home and arguing that it's not him.
For anyone that is going to say she did it for you, nope, a little baby butt business is NOT the same, period
You are not obligated to do this. You can place her, use her money to hire aides and advocate for her as her daughter.
I think most people do these activities because there's no other option for them at the time. It doesn't make me a better daughter because I do this for her, just a daughter who doesn't have the finances to seek other options.
Changing adult diapers has nothing to do with your worth as a good person or a good daughter. It's just a task that needs to be done by someone.
The first time Mom needed me to clean her was when she suffered a fall that resulted in her knee replacement being broken away from the bone. I was so concentrated on getting her clean without causing additional pain I don't remember being bothered with much else. I found the assurance disposable washcloths (like really large baby wipes) with aloe and vitamin e and a plastic grocery bag to place everything in very helpful. When you're done, you can tie the plastic bag closed and put it into a trash bag you keep tied closed between deposits and throw it out daily. A little pine sol in the bag heps with the smell there.
I did view it as the same as changing diapers on a child. Little kids can have very messy and very smelly "messes". I don't think anyone finds this task easy, but necessity rules. My mother (and my sister dying of lung cancer before) needed it done, and so I thought of their discomfort and how I didn't want them lying in their own filth and got it done. I found caring for my sister much harder than for my mother. My mother's body was still largely in tact when I cared for her, my sister's body was wasted from the cancer treatments and the disease itself, My sister was also my first experience in providing this level of care.
I do not think you are a bad daughter. When my mother had her hip and knee replacements, one of my brothers didn't visit her very often. He told me he couldn't stand to see her in pain. He would call her and send anything she needed, but he couldn't cope well with seeing her in pain and so limited in independent movement. Years later, my brother would cope better with the abusive language of our father's vascular dementia than I would. We all have different limits. I will suggest that we can often cope with more than we believe we can. When we _know_ we have to do it or allow our loved ones to suffer, we can find the strength to get through. It is hard and harder on some of us than others. Because you are struggling doesn't mean you are "bad" or less loving. If you cannot handle the hands-on care, arranging for someone else to provide the care is a very acceptable alternative.
How much home help are you getting? Is there ability to have an aide visits morning & night to change continance products?
Maybe time to consider Long-term care. If no money, Medicaid could be applied for.
When I didn't HAVE to do it, because someone else was handy, I gagged uncontrollably. I had never changed a kids diaper in my life. Animal messes, yes, but no people mess. Sometimes just going in to someone else's bathroom could take me out. When it came down to the wire, I had no choice. It was hard the first time. Now, several years down the road, no problem.
I have been in homecare for almost 25 years. I have gotten to a point now where I just cannot wipe another a$$ or change another adult diaper. It happens and not being able to do it does not make a persona a bad anything.
Knowing your personal limits is necessary to be sane!
She is still driving and doesn't need care yet. But, incontinence messes are happening more often - she hasn't switched to full coverage disposables! She still can clean up when accidents happen. But if and when she can't clean up, she'll have to move to a place where she gets that help. I simply know myself and that isn't what I'm promising to do for her. And part time Home help can't come running just because she is!
For some reason he feels it necessary to tell me about his bowel movements and urination and toileting issues! I don't need to know. Thanks, Dad! LOL
I've taught him what TMI means, that's for sure!
Do you have any caregiver or agency help? Maybe having a caregiver will slowly help you better adjust. Usually our bodies are on a schedule but if she lives with you there is for sure a time it will happen and nobody will be there.
With my mom it was after her stroke and I was in the hospitals with her and always just helping the CNAs so I think maybe that is where I got use to it. She was so out of it after her stroke that I started just being there with her to talk to her while they washed her up and slowly I then started helping and it then became just normal I guess - maybe I just didn’t have time to think about it.
For the first 9 months she was on a feeding tube and that made for loose bowel movements so yup there have probably been a few times of gagging or eyes watering - it will happen for sure but now it just is what we do every day.
I can hear your struggle and would suggest that maybe if you can to get a morning caregiver to help and maybe after some time of just helping them it may desensitize you?
Ps I always have sprays and candles to help. I always light the candle in the morning before we start wash up (but I always have candles going in my home anyhow). Having a spray may help as well.
Or could be side effect of a medicine. Doctor could help.
Healthy poop is not pleasant smelling - but it possibly can be managed so gag reflex does not kick in.
She will see your response and I am sure be embarrassed even more.
Hang in there and give yourself credit for all you have done so far.
oh and gloves are a help too and the thicker the better
Good luck
https://www.amazon.com/Comfort-3-Function-Expandable-Reversible-Removable/dp/B004TAYQXE/ref=sr_1_8?dchild=1&keywords=window+exhaust+fan&qid=1635979333&sr=8-8
Easily hidden behind a mask