Does anyone's LO think you get tired/sick on purpose to spite them?

Mine too. She does the two face, flip back and forth like a switch, and the whole everything is a personal attack whether it involves her or not. In my case she's a personality disordered, selfish, juvenile, crafty, narcissistic mess. It's fun isn't it.

Yes. I remember feeling like I was a machine rather than a human being. It’s hard for me to talk about now, because my mom died this past April at the age of 95. I am still grieving even though I am relieved that she is no longer suffering. I had her in my home for 15 years. A dependency occurs in these situations. They grow so dependent upon us and sometimes I truly don’t feel that they fully realize it. My mom did apologize to me near the end of her life, and of course, I completely forgave her. I have since realized that I fostered much of the dependency that she had.

I think as caregivers we are always being a caregiver, yet we yearn for the freedom that we once had. For me, I had many conflicting feelings. I wish that I had sought therapy much sooner than I had. I wish that I had known about this forum sooner. I needed balance in my life. I was in way over my head and basically drowning for a long time. We lose ourselves. We become confused and miserable. I believe that those we are caring for become confused too.

Sometimes I felt like I devoted my whole life to my mom, other times I felt like it was never enough. I have come to the conclusion that was because the task of caregiving is too much for one person to handle. My mom realized that too. Think about it. In a facility, there is an entire staff to care for the residents. They work in shifts, not 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no holidays! It’s a huge difference, right? So, we get tired. Sometimes, we get grumpy, depressed and full of anxiety. We are running on fumes and there is no fuel to keep us going. We burn out. Please, don’t let this happen to you. Find a way to restore your energy. I wish that I had.

Wishing you all the best in your life. I hope you can find rest soon. Take care. I pray everyday for all caregivers and those who need care. I pray that I don’t suffer and go quickly because I have made a promise to myself and my grown daughters that I will never impose on them. There were lots of things that I did wrong when I was caregiving, I neglected myself. There was way more that I did right though, regarding my mom’s care. I am happy about that but it nearly killed me. My mom’s doctors always said that I took excellent care of her and I am pleased about that. Would I do it all over again? Ahhhh…that I really don’t know. I guess it depends on the day that you ask me. Sometimes, I think, absolutely not! Other times, I wonder if the sacrifices were worth it. I did love my mom in spite of everything. Still, I wholeheartedly believe that we can love our parents without being the hands on caregivers. If the truth be told, we could probably love them more, because our love would be freely given without resentment.

I am not saying that people who oversee their parents care that are in a facility have it easy. They don’t if the situation is complicated, such as having a parent who is hard to please, and all they do is complain, but at least when you go home, you will have your own space and time to yourself.

Sorry for rambling. I get down sometimes when I answer these questions because it throws me back in time. Some memories are wonderful and others not so much. It’s never easy. is it? I remember praying that mom’s suffering would end, but watching her die was excruciating for me. Grieving takes time to process. I know that I will get to a better place one day.

Your mother is manipulating you, guilting you, even sort of gaslighting you; she knows you've 'been there' all your life (at least since age 8 when she had her breakdown and sounds like she's been dependent ever since) and you two may have fallen into codependency, a tricky path. It's admirable that you care for your mother but you have a right to your own life, your own destiny. You may need professional guidance to find a balance. That your mother switches 'tactics' in front of others is a tipoff that she is somewhat aware of her 'game'...at this stage she probably can't change; it will be up to you to learn ways to be there for her for the important things AND take care of yourself, demonstrate that your life is not completely Enmeshed with hers. My mom was critical, never satisfied, always felt 'put upon', etc. with me but with others put on a completely different face, to appear lovable, get positive attention, stroke her fragile ego. I believe our elders deserve good care and a dignified exit from this life, but we do not have to be exploited nor drained in the bargain. All the best to you; it may seem an uphill climb to find this balance but in the long run it will be healthier, beneficial for both of you.

Welcome to the club you don't want to be in - adult children of mentally ill parents who distorted reality and drew us in as their caregiver/protector.
My father was a control freak, and my mom submitted to him. Did not advocate for her kids in any way. What he said was how it would be.
As the oldest and a girl, I knew by the time I was in nursery school that my purpose in life was to be sure my mother (chronic depression and anxiety) was smiling when dad walked in the door (for lunch and dinner). And to ensure that my siblings never cried in front of him or spilled their milk. A big job for a 4 year old.
Lots of therapy over time (30+ years) helped quite a bit. I care for her 3 days/week now, but using my professional self (RN) and treat her as a client not as my mother. She does not live in my house, and I will not stay overnight at hers.
When you were 8, I am sorry that there was no adult to rescue you from that situation. Family shame often pushes a kid to taking on a job too big for an adult.
That girl needs wise therapists who have experience with survivors of mentally il parents to help her to heal, and you deserve to have that.
Take good care of you. You are really worth it.

From a post in Sept 2019: "I am about your Mom's age, have spinal stenosis and a bad hip, and work fulltime while caring for my own mother."

So you are in your mid-60's? Are you still working fulltime? What kind of caregiving does your mother require?

How was it that she came to live with you?