I have mourned that mom. The one that lives with me, looks like my mom.
I'm tired of the noises she makes with her mouth and teeth. The picking at her clothes.
The Kleenex everywhere.
$hit on the toilet and the floor.
I'm just tired of it all. She has lived with us 14 years.
I'm ready. Is this awful to say? I'm ready for her to pass. She's 91.
Can you tell me a bit about why you have no chosen in-facility care for your mother?
As to the "sound effects", yesterday on another thread Geaton posted a link to Tardive Dyskinesia. It would help you perhaps if you do a bit of research on these sort of "tics" some elders get under that title on google or other search engine. Your Mom may be on medications that cause these (check with her doc) or she may simply have these and I do hear that sometimes very low dose anti-depressants can help them. In any case, get help for that one from the doc, as once a sound gets stuck as that annoying in our brains it can cause great emotional distress, sometimes even anger.
I wish you the best.
And to answer, finally, your question? Yes. Many of us wish it to be over. My own brother wished release from his torment, and I wished it for him. You are not alone.
Mom was supposed to rotate where she lived. Her twin sister, one of my sisters and me. That didn't last long. Her twin fell I'll and eventually passed. Mom didn't like being at my sister's at all. The other sister guilted me into taking her back. And it's turned into permanent it seems. She doesn't have enough money for a decent nursing home and she has too much money for Medicaid. I have found a place that takes her for(my) respite care.
I am considering taking her to respite care more often. She has enough $$ for a few weeks of that at a time. It's a two week minimum. I wish I could take her every other week. Or for the weekend. This will help use up her $$.
Caring for a parent is very isolating.
Thank you for your reply. It is sooo nice to have place to vent and also, see that I'm not alone.
I do have a assisted living place that I have taken her to twice. They have a 2 week minimum. I sure wish I could take her for the weekends or every other week.
It's not so much that she needs "more" care, it's the constant responsibility. The constant everything. My son and family are coming over labor day weekend for a visit. (From Nevada to MI) I am thinking about having her stay at respite so I can freely enjoy my grandchildren.
I also have a volunteer that takes her to breakfast once a week. They come back to the house for a few more hours. I am going to ask the gal if she can take mom somewhere else for those hours.
I need to plan things to help myself. No one else is going to help me.
Except this forum is a big relief. ❤️
By the way, your feelings are normal.
:(
I understand you.
Fortunately, we have never lived together in adulthood, there is no way that I would ever live with a parent.
You are burned out, do something about it, the ball is in your court.
Your mother can live to 100. Mine lived to 95, complaining and miserable every day of her life. But she did so in Memory Care Assisted Living where I didn't have to deal with it 24/7. My life is valuable too, and I realized that from the get-go. So is yours.
Make your future into what you want it to be NOW.
Having a place to "vent" has been therapeutic already.
She hasn't enough money for a nursing home and too much for Medicaid.
So, here we are.
One of my biggest regrets in life was that I couldn’t find it in my heart to place her in a facility. Please look into placement for your mom.
I had extenuating circumstances in how my mom came to live with us. She became instantly homeless when she lost her home and all of her belongings in hurricane Katrina.
Mom’s home had nine feet of water and couldn’t be repaired. My parents bought the home when I was a baby.
It was quite an emotional time for everyone in New Orleans. All I could think of doing, was to comfort my mother as best I could.
Initially, things weren’t so bad. I was able to work and I was raising my children. As mom’s Parkinson’s disease progressed, it was a different ball game. As you say, they aren’t the same mother as they were before.
I quit my job to care for her full time and depression set in, then anxiety. I look back and see that I developed an unhealthy codependency with my mother.
I ended up in therapy. I suggest that you do the same. Speak with a licensed therapist to help you sort through your feelings.
It certainly helps to get an outside objective opinion when we can no longer see things as they truly are.
Wishing you the very best. You can’t change the past but you can move forward.
Transitioning into new territory is never easy but it is possible and so worth it!
Take care.
I think about something happening to them all the time. It would make life so much easier! I think about what a waste of time, money, and energy they have become and then I feel incredibly guilty!!
I have told my children to give me some really good drugs and tell me to chase butterflies (off a cliff) when I get like my parents. Horrible- I know!
good luck, go get a donut, God Bless you for what you are doing!
Oh boy.
(((Hug)))
We’re all in tough situations.
Why are you not using moms money for a nursing home ? Are you trying to save her money for your own inheritance ? There is no inheritance until someone dies.
Use moms money for a nursing home . When she gets close to running out of money start the Medicaid process . You said Mom does not have enough money for a nursing home . An elder care attorney can help with the spend down process and to get Medicaid . Use moms money for the attorney .
All well and good if you've never stayed in one
Would be worth getting her accessed. Good Lord you have done all you could. for a long time.
I was primary caregiver( with sister part time) for mom & dad until they passed in the last 2 yrs. They had both agency & private caregivers to help me but it was still exhausting. The doctor appointments, meds, meals, schedules etc. You know! They remained in their own independent living (HA) apartment on a senior community.
Now we have husband's 94 year old aunt in her home, advanced dementia, private caregivers 24/7. Husband's brother & wife help minimally. We are on call 24/7, husband will not leave town for a break.
He is a wreck from all this so I do the hands on stuff. We just started in home hospice that has relieved a big burden.
Lots of stress.
Worse part I believe is family does not understand what real life is with these elders. We are told all the time just take a vacation.
I tried with all the elders to pull in as much help as I could. I am so sorry because I know this is very hard.
That said, IMO--and it's just that--older adults who are of sound mind (but likely not body) need the ability to legally carry out a self-determined choice when the time comes. There should not always be required certification of terminal illness with 6 months or less to live. (This is a requirement in most states with assistance in dying laws.) I would go so far as to allow my DPOA to make the decision for me if I were to lose competency, but I know that many probably would disagree.
Perish forbid that ANYONE will need to clean me (or my floor) up for any length of time!
Use these boards to develop a strategy and free yourself. It was the best thing I ever did.
My mother always put herself first and when she tearfully asked me to promise that I would never put her in a nursing home I promised. And yes, I know that she no longer remembers that....but I do.....and my personal conviction is that I will keep the promise
I've been told by friends who have now drifted away that if I'm not going to place her in MC or NH then I'd better not complain.
Nevertheless......this season of caregiving was something that I never wanted and I have lost pretty much everything that I enjoyed. I don't even care to clean my house any longer. Everything that I attempt to do gets interrupted by her care demands, so why bother?
She has dementia, is blind, hard of hearing, has mobility issues, is a fall risk, has edema in her lower right leg, snaps at me, finds fault, is needy needy needy.
I do have 4 sitters who come and go at various times and give me a break from dementia prison, but I find that even dealing with them aggravates me and stresses me out. Plus, I no longer have a life of any consequence, so I just go wander around Wal Mart or Home Depot or the grocery store just to stay gone for 3-4 hours.
Just having to depend on someone else so I can freaking drive out of my driveway grinds my gears.
I cry almost daily now. I woke up this morning crying because I'm so exhausted and sick of all of it. Wiping poop at midnight, no freedom, never getting enough sleep, having my name called endlessly, keeping up with bowel movements, getting her in the shower once a week and on it goes.
I am so isolated and lonely I can't breathe.
As of March my mother is under Hospice care so I've had a better level of support. She was a death's doorstep from a respiratory infection - brought in by a sitter - and once again she has rallied and is back to her baseline.
So yes, I'm ready for it to be over, but as others have said here, she can very well live to 100 or beyond at this point.
I'm not loud, so I don't yell - on the contrary - I just carry out my duties as quietly as possible and try not cry all the time.
How can it be wrong to want it over? She is going to Heaven. She will be with her loved ones - I'm the only one left here - she will be able to see and will be joyful.
I will never understand why people torture themselves by caretaking in the most extreme and unrealistic expectations. And those being cared for just don't care about what it is doing to the other person.
Mom very well might outlive you at this rate.
Although we did our best to plan for our "golden years", neither of us EVER anticipated living as long as we have. We heartily recommend that longevity researchers direct their efforts elsewhere! IMO, the average human body is pretty much at the "best-if-used-by" point by the time it reaches 75-80 years (O.K., maybe 85)--super-elders and outliers notwithstanding.
I was reading about PTSD. Many of these symptoms are those of PTSD.
So of course I, a human being subject to limitations in power, can't help but wish for an end, some peace, some time to think about anything that ISN'T shit on the floor. Just like any living being we must be forgiven for wanting to survive. 14 years?!? And life can't be pleasant for her either. The normal end to it all is death, peace, relief. We are not yearning for something that is abnormal. The bullet with our name on it is coming for every single living being. I'm ready for my own beloved husband (93 with dementia) to go -- the thought of the nightmare world of daily humiliations, forgetting, losing each ability...who would choose that for themselves? Likewise, who would choose in advance to make sure their loved ones would end up being caretakers who are ready to drop where they stand?
Hugs to you...what a difficult (really almost impossible) thing is robbing you of your own life and health. Well, you know you have many, many friends here who are living in some version of what you are suffering through.
I agree neither the LO nor the caregiver chose this. And we are only humans with the instinct to survive. At the same time, it’s also natural to want the suffering to end . Modern medicine and naive promises cause us to fight these normal emotions and punish ourselves and each other for having them .
The caregivers who visit unhappy LO’s who don’t live at home want it over .
The caregivers watching a loved one decline want it over .
The caregivers watching a LO suffer want it over.
The caregivers who feel guilt want it over .
The caregivers who are isolated want it over .
When the LO is miserable, scared, suffering , and/or have no quality of life ………….everyone wants it over .
My husband and I have supported her financially for the past 20 years, as she couldn't be bothered to save for her old age. We ended up having to pay for her house.....long story, but it wasn't that expensive due to the house being handed down to the 4 kids, of which she was one, so "she" bought the other three out....and we just recently put a roof on it....the house payment was MUCH less than an apartment rents for, and she couldn't even afford that. So as you might imagine, I've gotten over being her support, as she often acts very entitled. She put the (minimal) down payment on the house, and we paid it off over the years.
I couldn't subject my husband to having her live with us, as I can't stand to be around her for more than about 1/2 a day every several weeks. I just got laid off, so financial support for her will be very minimal when it happens going forward.
I'm 62, and hope I get to my 90s...but only if I can stay mobile and mentally with it (as we have no kids to help out). I've taken to doing 45-60 minutes of exercise most days, and have heard that--along with eating right, and also exercising your brain--is a huge key to aging better. Only time will tell....
Sorry that this post was a bit off track, but just goes to show how many scenarios there are out there, and that we all have valid reasons for deciding to, or not to, take in a parent.
I have lurked enough on this forum to know better than to say that bringing her into your house was a disastrous mistake, but…well, I suppose I just said it. Too late to rewrite that chapter, but perhaps your miserable story can be a cautionary tale to others who might be considering this idea. Ninety-one? A mere ingenue, these days! We are seeing the old folks drag it out well past 100, alas,
You are well within reason to hate the status quo. I hope your terrible trial ends in time for you to reclaim some fun and joy in life.
care.
Now she says she wants to go home. At her insistence we had to let her helpers go. We were paying them as a fallback plan until the dust settled. But she got really mad that we were spending “my money’ as she said that way
She is refusing to take PT . I don’t know if Medicare will cover this.
It cannot end soon enough. This is killing me.