Do you have caregiver burnout or experience anticipatory grief? I’m overwhelmed and don’t recognize the person I’ve become.
Dad’s 96 and has many things going on medically. He gave me, his youngest child, the daunting task of being his POA, medical POA and Trustee. The last year and a half has been a blur of selecting an ALF, moving him from his home of 40+ years, going through everything he ever owned & deciding what to keep and what was estate sale, selling his house & car, helping him adjust to AL life, activating LTC insurance, applying for VA benefit and helping him through the various stages of his ailments night and day. It’s a difficult, time consuming, and pretty much a thankless task. I was recently told I am depressed. Shouldn’t come as a big surprise but it still made me angry. Everyone depends on me for literally everything when it comes to dad. Easily the hardest task I’ve ever undertaken. I have awful thoughts these days which brings on guilt. Although I’ve been told these secret thoughts, as dark as they are, are normal and most long term caregivers have them. They come from the ups and downs of hearing, your dad is dying and then your dad’s doing much better. For 9 months I’ve been stuck on this ride. I’m sad, angry, unable to cope, scream at my husband or anyone who challenges my caregiving or decisions. I am tired and at the end of my rope. No I won’t do anything to harm myself. I believe in God and Jesus and hope to make it to heaven one day. Last week I was told he probably has 30-45 days left. At his age, I’ve wondered many times if this will be our last Christmas, birthday and so on. Today WILL be our last Father’s Day! Bittersweet 😢. So I’m going to say, thanks dad for teaching me how to fish, ride motorcycles, and how to drive a stick shift. (I’m female) Thanks for teaching me how to change a tire, spark plugs and many other auto related things. Thanks for being the father figure my boys needed so desperately. And even though I’ve hated it at many times, thank you for trusting me to take care of you and all of your affairs. Thanks for being my dad through thick and thin. Thanks for loving me. Even though he’s had a long and happy life, I cannot wrap my head around all the “last” things I’m getting ready to experience... starting today. I am preparing myself to go spend our last Father’s Day together. Please pray for me and my dad.
I know the struggle you go through as I am P.O.A. of my mom who has dementia & is diabetic - she has been on antibiotics for 3 months now for a foot infection & within 60 hours of discontinuing them we had to restart them .... so I now have to decide about continuing them or let the infection basically kill her off - the specialist says she won't survive [at 92] any surgery - due to the pain she is doped up & can't stay awake for long but if we reduce that med then she is in agony - there sometimes is no clear right answer to the questions we ask of life
Good luck - we all have similar issues but know that sometimes keeping those you love can be for you not them as they might be ready to go to a place without pain, effort & with some dignaty of their own - it is such a hard call to do without support from the rest of your biological family but know that we here are all a spiritual family of those who know what you are going through & I say on behalf of all the others that we understand your dilema & know you will be strong in the time to come - hugs M
MaryKathleen, I'm so sorry for the loss of your aunt. But I'm sure she was comforted by your presence and by touch of you and your cousin.
Don't let the situation with the sewing group get you down; you're already overwhelmed by the loss of your aunt, so the condition of friends in the group would accentuate the grief you were feeling.
You need a Bra Friend - someone to lift you up! I'm sure others will be along to offer kind words; think of them as uplifting, w/o the discomfort of the actual bra.
My hubby is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's and this week I swear I am the one with the problem. He seems normal and I am a basket case.
I went to a sewing group I have sort of ignored because I know I am depressed. I feel like I just can't do this caregiving thing. Nothing I do is good enough, nothing right. Anyway, when I got there, one of the gals I really care about has slipped downhill so much it hurt to see her. She is skin and bones and shaky on her feet. She can't last long the way she is. One of the others is walking slower. I sat there between those two and tears started running down my face. I couldn't stop them. The gal giving the presentation might as well been talking ancient Hebrew. I couldn't understand a word she said. I didn't bring the right tools and while everyone else seemed to be happily copying the flower, I couldn't see it. Finally, I just got up and left.
I sit here still crying with tears running down my face. I guess I will go on somehow. Anyway, you aren't alone. All the advice here is great, follow it, they know where you are.
"I know exactly how you feel. Last weekend I went on a day trip with a good friend and didn't talk about my mom once. A slice of normal. So far its really helped." AWESOME advice/suggestion. It is something we all need to learn to do - let what cannot be dealt with go or save it for another day and try to have some time for oneself! There is also the caveat that many people don't want to hear the stories over and over, even if the story is slightly different. I learned this when venting during a divorce - it will tend to drive people away. Having a place like this is an excellent place to "vent" and not burden others with your gripes! There was no internet when I needed it then, but it is here now - take advantage of it, knowing that we do not judge, we commiserate and it helps to understand you are NOT alone in these endeavors!
"I try to ask for help. I get very little." We can only ask. If no one steps up, well c'est la vie. We cannot change others or force them to do what they should be doing. Ask and if no help is forthcoming, move on.
"I accept I am not perfect and say no sometimes." YES! One must learn how to say no sometimes. It is not easy, but always bending backwards for others will take a toll. Understanding that NONE of us is perfect is also a good part of the understanding. Could've, would've, should've will never help. We do the best we can given what we have available to us (knowledge, money, time, etc.) and know that we did our best!
From your post, you obviously had and have a wonderful relationship with your dad. Relish that! He has had a good long run, and while it will be sad and hurt to lose that wonderful aspect of your life, keep your memories of the good times to help lift you up. Do not dwell on the inevitable. Many people lose a loved one unexpectedly and never get the chance to have what you have. Some never had that wonderful loving parent.
You said: "We had a lovely visit today. Probably the nicest since he’s been in AL. It was a real visit. I didn’t try to tidy up his apt or anything. Just focused on dad and the lemon meringue pie we took over. Then we took him (in his wheelchair) for a stroll outside. Took some lovely photos too. I’ll treasure them." THAT is what you need to focus on. Enjoy the time you do have left and leave the care-giving and worries to the staff! Everything you wrote about thanking your dad is what you should be saying to him, now, while you can!
I can relate to having to handle/manage everything around the care (mom is in MC.) Despite having 2 brothers, it all falls onto me and was becoming ridiculous! Things that I need to do or would like to do take a backseat for now. There is only so much I can handle and I have to let stuff slide. Taking over her bill paying/bank account was easy. Getting assigned as rep for her pension (federal, DPOA of no use) took TWO years! Because of address change, I had to apply for rep payee on SS (they are also federal, do not honor DPOA and it is an all or nothing deal.) This added more work as a special account just for the SS funds is required. THAT was a nightmare (getting approved was easy enough.) Both now require yearly accounting, but other than it being a pain in the butt, I will only have to show each side that ALL of those funds are used for her MC "rent." Monthly allocation from the trust fund covers the balance of that and anything else. NOW the sale of the condo is up for dealing with. Tasked one brother with finding RE agent (and told him what the one I used for my previous home charges, which I suspect is less than others!) It has been about a month, and so far nothing. You KNOW who is going to end up with this! I'd agree with the postings that say use a management company if you rent - the original plan was to rent the condo, but I do not need that on my plate! I suggested we use someone else to play "landlord" but they do suck up a lot of what comes in for rent. Part of the reason for not selling was because it had been a "life estate", but the tax preparer said this doesn't apply now that she does not and will not live there. I also went through all the trouble to file for VA benefits only to find out that the organization that sent me the forms sent the wrong ones (expired) and now I have to redo them (unfortunately it won't be as simple as plugging in the same numbers, as the forms really do not appear to be different, but rather will need redoing because of the tax, Medicare and SS changes as well as an increase in the "rent".) It is sitting in a box waiting for me, already almost 6 months! Soon....
As for estate stuff, I had to take over one for my mother's cousin when the cousin's sister passed away a year later - what a nightmare! She was not local, did not trust the attorney and took the bulk of the funds out of the estate account! Luckily a CD maturing slipped through the cracks (timing!) and was still in the account so it allowed me to honor the wishes in the will. I hired a different attorney, had to gather up information and get all the paperwork from the other woman's son. It still took almost 2 years, but other than a trip to get a notarized copy of the will and a court date to be assigned, the attorney handled most everything - it was well worth paying her! We did all the estate planning (DPOA, trust, etc.) before mom went too far down the yellow brick road, so it will mean a lot less attorney/court work. It is not easy to delegate any of what I manage now - would be too many fingers in the pie, would not know if things were taken care of by them, so I keep it all on my plate to know it is done and done right.
So, try to make a to do list of things that can wait, make another list of to dos if/when dad passes and see if anyone else can take over some of those duties (attorney, funeral home, family/friends, etc.) Then just do what you can to make life for you and your dad pleasant in his remaining days! Thank him often for all he did for you and all his love! Enjoy your remaining time with him! You will at least have those pleasant memories to help you later. Whenever possible, make/take some time for yourself, even if it is just a hour or two or a day here and there. You need and deserve it!
As for those who might criticize you, let it go. You know what you have done for your dad, even if some things could have been done better or differently, it is what it is - you did the best you could. For those who criticize, turn the tables on them and ask them to take over. I'll bet there are no takers! Scream into a pillow, go on a power walk, whatever to get out that pent up frustration. It is easy for others to be critical, but where are they when the work needs to be done? Dismiss them.
(from the '12 pains of christmas' parody - Fine, you're so smart, YOU rig up the lights! aka THEY deal with the issues...)
I chose to use Ashwagandha instead of "stress pills" - I prefer Gaia Ashwagandha and it calmed me down from the first capsule. Praise God for the person that recommended it to me. It is a natural root and you take them twice a day - it allowed me to become human again during the last 6 months of my DH's life.
Stress is a killer.
You in my thoughts.
Took 2.5 years to close the estate. No infighting. Just red tape, the occasional missing document and the vagaries of the real estate market.
During the estate process, the dead parent keeps (figuratively) popping out of the grave. I don’t really “get” or believe in closure — but for those who do, the estate process is the opposite of closure.
You pay for mistakes you didn’t know your parents were making. They might not have known, either.
A word to the wise: Anyone over a certain age (60? 65? 70?) with rental properties needs to turn them over to a management company. Pronto. Don’t be lulled into thinking that retirement is the best time to be a “hands-on” landlord. It is for a hot minute. Then the health sh*t creeps up. Aging brains aren’t a good match for all this responsibility, either.
Then you die, and your hapless kids are reaching out to these total strangers (tenants) — giving them a new address to send the rent to and a new phone number to call when they need something. “Just until the buildings are sold.” Just shoot me.
Indeed, the tenants will call. The vultures first. But in due time, they will all find a way to “register.” Mom & Dad ran credit checks on these folks, but not personality assessments.
The tenants will look for a weak link. Hint around that they are free to break their leases. (They are not). Call to rehash something that was not fixed to their satisfaction 6 years ago. (As if I knew.) Will call with the “I never wanted to bother your parents with this, but....” (Sure, bother me.)
You will most definitely hear from the tenant who says Dad said he’d sell him the building for [insert insultingly low price here], but they never got around to doing the paperwork. **cough, cough**
I almost forgot — tenants will also have legit emergencies while they are on your watch.
If my folks had gone with a management company a few years back, there would have been a barrier between the tenants and us heirs. And truthfully, the buildings would have had better maintenance in the last XXXX years.
Oh, the half-baked repairs of the the last XXXX years. Cuz dad was in the hospital so mom subbed out the project to dad’s fishing buddy. Or dad started the project but couldn’t finish it. So the tenant hacked away at it in exchange for a rent reduction. Etc etc etc.
Worth noting: These are the years when we’d talk to the folks on the phone, and they’d say everything is fine. Just great!
My point (and I have one) is: I had plenty of anticipatory grief. Had it for years before I even knew what to call it.
But I did not have a clue how draining the estate process would be. I thought, oh crap some paperwork bla bla. Ha! The reality was much, much more. And dragged on for so long.
And we were blessed to be heirs who were in agreement. Can’t even imagine what that process is like when there is infighting.
sometimes i just don't want to have to deal with everything any more. but its been helping coming to this site. and reading everyones posts.
im glad you had good memories today. no one can take that away.
Although I wouldn't call it a form of sensory deprivation, in some ways it was because what would be considered a well rounded life and interaction just weren't present.
And in some ways I have to remember how to interact with people who aren't in medical positions. That can be a strange experience.
I'm glad you had such a nice visit today. These are the visits that hopefully will remain in your mind and crowd out other less pleasant activities or experiences.
Hang in there, and try to live for the moment.