Do parents realize the damage a family experiences by naming one child DPOA over the others?

I wonder sometimes if we're the only family where our parents taught us siblings to trust each other, didn't play us off against each other and told us from a VERY early age that there would be NO money to inherit, that it would all be spent on my parents having a good time and then care in their elder years.

I know it's not true of my husband's family. His mom constantly paid lip service to "family sticks together" but then gossiped about each child to the others, breeding mistrust and greed.

Do they realise? Obviously not: few people set out to make trouble among their offspring. But appointing POAs and proxies is a bit like having a baby or getting married or sky diving - you don't find out what it's really all about until you've jumped; plus there's often a good dollop of "that'll never happen to us" type thinking involved. And, of course, by the time many people get round to the job they're old and tired and past caring all that much anyway.

What's important now is that we, the next generation along, Have Been Warned. I'm trying to avoid the pitfalls and happen to have (along with virtually no money, which helps) the luck to know a young accountant, no relation but whom I've known since he was born, who has kindly agreed to act for me. That's the finances wrapped up. Health is proving trickier. Dr Daughter thinks she's the obvious choice and I doubt if her siblings would disagree, but I'm hesitating because she is a bit of a "rescuer" and I don't want her burdened. Actually, if I'm really honest, I don't want her meddling.

But the good news is that at least we know what to watch out for. So we can make our own mistakes, instead of repeating those of our parents.

In the UK we do also receive good guidance from the government on the Dos and Don'ts of creating workable, uncontroversial POAs - they give you a checklist of points to consider, and advice on how to make your wishes clear but not so prescriptive it prevents the people you appoint from reacting to unanticipated events; and you can't pretend you don't know about it because the notes come with the forms you need to fill in, a bit like a passport application (though of course that doesn't necessarily mean everyone will read it). They tread a fine line between emphasising that you must only appoint someone you believe to be absolutely trustworthy and not quite saying "don't pick your children unless they never tried to throttle each other in the sandpit."

Can't one resign the POA? In my case my sibs and I all have durable POA. However, only my 2 successor trustee (out of state) brothers will be able to control finances with the durable POA (and even then, I think they will have to jump through some additional hoops).

We are all her healthcare proxies (my mother insisted on this -- has to be a majority of the four of us to decide on things...think how THAT could go!).

I am the local on-the-scene sib and the taxi service.

I think families that fight were going to fight no matter what the parents did, can you imagine the chaos if all the kids are joint POA and no one agrees?

CW makes an excellent point. I agree. Some families can work together; some can't. Family dynamics is I think the key, and those dynamics factor in personalities within the family and from those who married in.

The willingness and ability to solve problems is also a major factor, and some families just aren't able to. That's not a criticism of anyone, just reality.

What parents should if they think their grown children are all on different pages is to have a CPA be their financial Power of Attorney. A CPA isn't going to take any nonsense from anyone.

Yes, the CPA will be charging an hourly rate for working being done which will come from the parent's estate. And yes, the siblings will get angry with each other, but at least there isn't any finger pointing to the sibling who would have been the financial POA.

Well I was given the "whole ball of wax." Mom did not trust my brothers to "do the right thing" by her and that is why she wanted to live with me and have me care for her on all fronts. I have saved her boat loads of money and she is getting excellent care, in fact, she is quite spoiled! Anything she needs or wants is taken care of.
I had a nurse train me how to care for her severe lymphatic leg from a prior surgery. I went into caregiving so I knew how to handle her dementia as it progressed and became worse. I have bent over backwards to do the right thing. I have never done ANYTHING wrong to anyone in my family. Actually, quite the opposite. The biggest accusor to me is the brother who molested me as a child and physically beat me as well. He was "in fact" extorting money from Mom for years until I finally caught on to what he was doing and put a stop to it. That is when the battle began. The other brother is basically non existant but he threw mud at me too until I threw it back. I never start fights, I have never done anything except what was asked of me. I had a nice quiet life with my husband prior to all this. I did not need this!

It seems to me your mother chose wisely Rainey, given your family dynamics I can't see what else she could have done other than naming a professional POA.

My parents named one brother MPOA and one DPOA--what the difference is, I don't know. Medical vs. Money and disbursement of property?

Anyhow, brother with the "will" and such made it a point to tell us many years ago exactly how much we'd "inherit"--b/c mother has been holding the "will" over our heads our whole lives. $10K. That amount will not cause a ripple in any of our finances, and it certainly won't make the brother who's been housing and caring for mother for 18+ years "whole".

So--the only little squabbles we ever get into is when mom takes a downward spiral and we kind of talk about placing her in an ALF. She'll never go into one, and brother will be caring for her for 10 more years, I imagine. My "inheritance"--going to be given to brother.

Money just mucks up the works. I think we'll leave all of ours to a charity. All 5 of our kids are far better off than we are, or ever will be. And that's the way we want it, right??

What just busts me is no amount of money is worth taking your freedom, your life, your peace of mind and all of those things are taken away from you as the main caregiver. Who on earth voluntarily signs up for that? Those are things that cannot be given a pricetag. Mom was not brilliant with her money, she would have been broke if put in a facilty at this point. She is still going on pretty well and could easily live a while longer. When she got me "involved" I went through all her finances. It was a disaster. I knew she could not afford LTC. Also, she can still dress, bathe, walk around fine, she also spent her whole working career as an RN working in those very facilities into her early 70's! Hey Mom, now I am going put you back there except now your a resident! I could not even fathom doing that to her.

No, I don't think the parents know what comes with caring for them as they age...partially because at some point the dementia sets in...and the siblings are totally clueless on the demands of everyday care of aging parents...the ones not chosen think it's easy breeze...well..it's not speaking from personal experience..and the emotional and physical abuse a caretaker has to endure is unimaginable in some situations.....and the outside interference from family members can cause unwanted problems....

So for those who are the unlucky ones to be chosen as a caregiver, PDOA, POA......my heart goes out to you and for ...........THOSE NOT CHOSEN.............. TAKE IT AS YOU JUST WON THE LOTTERY...BECAUSE YOU HAVE.......YOU WERE NOT PICKED....

I totally understand and agree with you.

Cathy

Thanks Cwillie! She did know what my brothers would do, that is why she handed it all to me.

Amen Cathy!

This is an excellent point. But, u don't want more than one person POA, maybe with a backup. That POA needs to be the one who is the closest and the caregiver.
Saving her money, for what so your siblings get it. My Mom still had a house when she moved in with me. Her SS went for the upkeep of that house. Her $200 pension went for her toiletries, prescriptions and Depends. If she wanted soup from the diner, it came out of her $200. She purchased her own clothing. Paid her own tithing. She didn't pay for board or eating out with us. She paid for her AL and first 2 months of the NH. Now she is on Medicaid. I see nothing wrong with using her money for her. TG my brothers aren't greedy. I will tell u one thing I have learned from this journey is I am enjoying my money and have told my kids not to expect anything. Our investments should help with any AL we may need.

My mil has dementia and lives next door to us. My husband is responsible for her and it causes many disagreements among the two of us and among his siblings. From the outside looking in, I think a large part of the issue w my husband's family is lack of communication. My husband does not ask his siblings' opinions on anything to do with his mother and they do not ask us how she is doing or how we are doing. There have been disagreements in the past: not huge fights. I feel the situation is caused more by a power struggle. I am not even sure this is over money. I think it is more about being in charge and being heard. My brother in law has said he learned long ago my husband will do what he wants, not what anyone else wants so there is no point in discussing any situation. That is sad because I think my husband would listen to them, and then, yes, he would do what he feels is best for his Mom.
I am sure this is not going on in every situation. It is just what I believe is going on in this situation.

I really do not have any answers for you but I will say that in our situation 2 siblings have POA. One does ALL the work and the Other constantly tries to take credit for doing nothing. In the end if there is any money left over it will be divided equally. That is not fair but it happens all the time. I have not talked to my husbands brother and wife for nearly 2 years even though I did attempt an Olive Branch. It was not accepted. And they are the ones doing NOTHING. It is a no win situation. Feeling will be hurt and relationships will be tested and lost. Do what is Best for you since you are Doing all the Work. I know how you feel. It is not fair to you that you are doing everything. Maybe the solution is to Put her in a facility that will care for her for the rest of her LIFE and make sure No-one gets a dime of your mothers money.

Oh boy can I relate to this! I was never named POA but I was named as Executrix over my 2 older sisters. I will give Mom credit because she apologized to me for doing so. She said I would get an extra portion of "inheritance" but she named me because she said I would get everything done before I fell apart. She didn't think either of my older sisters could.

First, you don't get an extra portion of anything - what you get is accused of spending money on yourself. Thankfully, Mom also told me to keep receipts for everything! Then you get accused of not allowing the parents to spend and purchase what they want with their own money. This came from a nephew and we still are not speaking. This nephew also excluded me from "family outings" which still hurts. So I am noticeably missing from some family pictures.

Every step of the way, I explained what I was doing, including the purchase of the Mobile Home (placed on my property, in my front yard) which kept my father out of a nursing home. I figured that if he lived in the trailer 6 months, it would still be cheaper than a nursing home and thankfully he lived another 3+ years in the trailer.

I did not discuss Pop's savings as it was not my place. I allowed my father to purchase whatever he wanted since he had the money. It wasn't until after Probate that my sisters learned there would be some inheritance - but I was the one running around trying to get everything done, and everything was split evenly according to the will.

So - YES - I hear what you are saying and can relate to what you are going through. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, your parents thought you to be the more responsible child to attend to their needs. Mom used to tell me that my reward would come in Heaven. A little more love here on earth would have been nice too.

P.S. Mom passed first and Pop lived another 7.5 years and he asked me to assist him even though we had become estranged over a personal matter. So we put all hard feelings behind us and I helped him for the rest of his life.

My parents never told my brother and I what was in the will. We never asked. My brother was POA, and that was fine with me. He was caring and concerned about me, since I was alone. He made sure I was taken care of and he helped me. I trust him. I was of the opinion if my parents loved us enough to leave us everything they had on this earth, then i would never fight with my brother, ever. Not about the will. Pretty simple, they left everything to their beloved children to be split 50/50/ And that is what we have done.

I feel your pain. But I am not the POA. My sister is and she does what she wants to. I am the slave, my daughter and I take care of my mom. I don't handle the money and don't work either. And guess what I can't even barely get support from the POA.

You could be writing my story which I now see as a pretty common scenario. 22 years ago, I purchased a property with my parents. It was an income producing property so should anything happen to me, they would still be able to have a home. They were putting down a one time sum which we both put in equally. They had been in a rental. They had made some poor choices and had some hard times mostly brought on by their own choices. They had 8 children and to say the least it was dysfunctional. I am the youngest of the group.
At that point in my life I was old enough to have made my own poor choices at different times. I had forgiven them for their lack of parenting skills knowing they were probably just doing the best they could do. I went on to have the property totally renovated with my now husband in which from that point forward any and all repairs came out of our finances as well as all maintenance, landscaping, heating and water bills. I never knew how it would end. My initial decision was to help them live out their lives in digninty. It was a super location. I went on to have a family. I would visit them on Sundays for dinner (usually I was the cook). This was a family value I wanted my children to be part of. As the value of the property began to increase somewhat significantly, it started. I had one sibling question me 10 years in "Where is mom and dad's equity? You can see where this is going. There isn't any. Although not set as a life tenancy it was certainly deeded with rights of surviorship to myself and my heirs. Then my father passed. I was with him visiting in the hospital the last 28 days of his life. I had just been accepted to go back to school to get a teaching certificate. I already had an undergraduated degree but had been working as a waitress for the majority of my career. I withdrew so yes I get those decisons in our own lives that get put off. At that point I had another older sibling who came to see my father on the last day say "you wanted him dead". Can you imagine? The property got hit by a storm which entailed mor work and a decrease in value but that was never the goal anyway. I will be rewarded. I consider it my 401K account. Then one of my closest sister's was dealing with a chronic disease. I spent years going to doctor appointments with her and again spent the last months of her life with her on almost a daily basis. So, staying in the waitressing working at night made this all possible. Not to mention I was raising my own family with two children and a husband. I jpretty much hate my job on a daily basis. I had one other sister who really stepped up to the plate even though she lived really far away.
My mother has enjoyed extremely great health up unto her first major health event (a fall) She is 95. I was at various hospitals. Then, my very closest sister who does not live nearby who I would drop anything for, brought up the money thing. My mother was in a drug reaction delirium. I was terrified. Another sister who lives near by showed up two weeks into the whole ordeal. They were pushing the whole care onto me which yep I am POA and Health agent. She asked what did you expect? I was enraged. Well they all pitched in for the next two months with me of course knowing they would just move on with their lives. My closest sister came and stayed for a week and every time I saw her I was pissed. I felt she had no empathy for how this was effecting my life. This is probably the most painful fallout but I still feel unapologetic even thought my behavior was over the top awlful. The one sister who lives nearby makes comments like your always their anyway. I chose to be their while my mother was healthy. I didn't choose to take over when my mother became ill. Thankfully and gratefully she is doing incredible. She is back to being able to be alone at night. This opened my eyes to how things are going to go. There was alot of texting in a group thing. I know their personalities. My personality is one of taking care of the people I love. Some of that I now see to a fault of my own and my own time so I take responsiblity for those choices. My family of origin has been too much of a negative influence in different area's of my life. I am setting up an appointment to talk to a therapist about it. I have done alot of soul searching. I am a giver, a caretaker even at times when I haven't wanted to be and it is one of the hardest things in the world. Yet, I can look myself in the mirror and know that those lives I touched were a little better because of me. Moving forward, I am going to find more time for myself. I am taking on this responsiblity of caring for my mom as I believe it's what she deserves as my mother (my values) I will however not be used as the information booth. I am definitely planning something so my own children are never in this postion. We are not alone. People will always take the easier softer way. They don't deserve having me in their lives or at least actively so to speak. I really want nothing to do with them. Thats why I'm going to talk to a neutral party. I have a brother who has always helped if I ask him. He even said, "it always falls on you". It's only me that lets that happen. It won't happen again I assure you. Be kind to yourself. Hire someone to give you a break if you have to which is going to be my plan when the time comes. It really is a thankless position to be in. Remember it's your parent, your values and leave the rest of them behind.

Oh boy, this is scary! My in-laws want ME to be DPOA & POA. Nope, heck no! I suggested their son who is a CPA & lives in another state, and that was met with a resounding NO. Apparently, I am the only one who trusts him; this, in spite of he & his wife having made me the target of their unfounded hatred the past 30 years. Go figure.... Anyway, I think my husband will be made DPOA & POA because my in-laws know they get a package deal -- him & me working together and keeping VERY stringent records. We know we will be harassed and questioned over everything. One daughter already has her eye on the new SUV the parents bought because it is bigger than the one she has. Forget the fact that the parents are using it. The in-laws are just starting on their rapid downhill spiral, so this should be interesting.

This is very sad. I am a lucky one .My sister became caregiver for our Mom.
No one ever questioned her about money.
I would always tell my sister what ever is left should go completely to her.
This is the way it should be...If you do not want to be involved then do not be there for
the hand outs...
Stay strong and do not worry about what anyone says.
I am a true believer in Karma..
What goes around comes around.
Stay strong.
Your Mother knew who to choose.

As I said in another post, you can pick your seat, you can pick your nose, but you cannot pick your family. If you are chosen for DPOA and MPOA, the best you can do is provide fiscal and medical information and updates to the others. IF they chose to continue harassing, questioning and suspecting, there really is not much you can do except tune it out. YOU know what you are doing with everything and how much work it is. If you must respond to these accusations even after providing information, ASK THEM if they would like to take over the care aspect. Other than placing mom or dad in a facility, which WILL drain assets faster than you can, I would think that you, as MPOA, can allow care to transfer to the others, just not the decision making aspect. DPOA is something else - you cannot assign those duties to another, you can only provide accounting information. You really do NOT want to relinquish these duties altogether if there are no provisions for another to take over (especially if there is a provision and that person does NOT have mom/dad's best interests at heart.)

It is, in most cases, sad that the caregiver (who is usually the D/MPOA) gets all the dirty work AND the flack. From other posts it is also clear that people do not understand how much these duties impact the person assigned to them. In the past, care-giving in home might have been the best route and easier to accomplish, but with longevity comes this huge increase in dementia among elders. My brothers (more so the older one) saw our parents and aunts/uncle take care of grandmother, but she was NOT a hard person to care for. When they first heard how much the MC facility would cost, they immediately said for that price I can take her in.... They were clueless as to what this entails when someone is going down the dementia path. I educated myself about it and was aware of what it would take - physically I could not do it. An elder with serious medical issues AND dementia is a herculean task!  THIS is what non-caregivers do not see and do not understand. It becomes a FULL TIME job to watch over and care for someone with dementia. An elder with medical issues *might* be a bit easier to care for, but it still is not a cake walk. THIS is why THEY should perhaps take mom or dad for a short while, several weeks or so, to give the caregiver a break AND witness what it takes. Of course most of them will not - it is MUCH easier to complain, suspect, etc than it is to offer a helping hand. If they did try this, more than likely they will be begging to let mom/dad go back under your care ASAP.

In our case, only two of the three were assigned the D/MPOA, but only because at the time the other sibling was not local and therefore not available to sign. The other sibling, while he does not interfere with me taking care of the finances (no funds to me thanks!), he does impact decision making (drags his feet, questions everything to death, but doesn't take the time to find the answers he wants, etc.) We include the other brother in all decisions, he just will not be able to take over any duties without court intervention if something happens to both of us. I warned him (non-D/MPOA) of this because if something happens to me, I suspect based on the other's lack of attention and lax attitude towards bills, etc, mom's bills might get delinquent. He also tells me to take something for myself for all that I do (all financials, paperwork, first contact for any mom issues, etc), but I decline.

As for inheritance, if there is any, great. If not (or potential to deplete any and all assets during the care period) TFB. While many of us would like to leave something for our children, it is NOT a god-given right. Whatever funds/assets there are should be used for mom/dad while they are still alive, to provide as best can be done for them. Siblings who think otherwise be damned.

We can never understand another's motives or thoughts, nor can we change their attitude. We can only TRY to make them see and understand everything, but if their mind is set, there is not much you can do other than to let it go. Provide the info, and if they continue to be jerks, so be it. Let that go and focus on mom/dad. If they cut you off from family, well that is their choice - a poor one, but nothing can be done by you to change that. DO NOT take their crap personally - again, YOU know what you do for mom/dad and THAT should be the only consideration for you.

I actually did volunteer to move in with my parents and take care of them. Gave up a job, being close to son's and grandchildren, basically everything, to come and take care of them, (mostly dad with dementia), because mom "couldn't handle it".  Mom passed away last year, and dads Alzheimer's has been steadily going downhill. My sister who is POA, and lives out of state, (and visits maybe 2-3/ year),  is. I wouldn't want to be POA.   I  begged mom and dad, to have their financial advisor be assigned the POA. I have watched too many families ripped apart by one sibling being given POA, while I worked in the medical and home health fields. I naively thought "it would never happen in mine", but it is, and yes....money is the root of it all!! Being POA,  and being the sole caregiver, 24/7, are two VERY different things.

Right now both my son and daughter are co-executors and durable POAs, while my nurse daughter is POA for health care. Both know I am find with going to a facility if needed, and I trust my daughter on that score more as I have seen how she is dealing with her father (my ex) who has Lewey Body dementia and is in nursing home. She is also on his bank account, but he didn't appoint either of them to anything in his will--his brother is executor. I really want to appoint a professional as durable POA. I don't think the Executor part is as important as the bulk of my money has designated beneficiaries. The bank has actually advised me against putting anyone's name on my bank account, but when she needs to pay my nursing home bills, etc., how else could she do it? My children are 7 years apart and not close (either to me or to each other), my daughter is oldest and unmarried, my son is married with two daughters (19 and 12). My hope is that I die after a brief illness, as both my parents did, but nowadays that doesn't happen so often. My will is up for a 5 year renewal next year, and I intend to make changes then.

I know exactly how you feel, as I am in the same position. My career has suffered, my income has gone down about 30%, and I have drained my whole life's savings and assets to pay for my mom's care and her home maintenance, etc. So i get very little sleep, no spending money, struggle to pay my mortgage and utilities, can't go anywhere, can't have a boyfriend because I have no time or energy. But I get no money for doing this. My mom's income goes to her home expenses, and pays part of the aides, and I pay some of her utilities, buy all of her food, diapers, chucks, vitamins, etc and pay the balance of the care she can't cover. My brother who lives 45 minutes away from her has spent ZERO helping her over the last 10 years, and visits maybe once or twice a year for an hour or less. He's just waiting for my mom to die to get his expected inheritance. But I've got news for him: she has no life insurance (the term ended when she turned 80 & I couldn't afford the new higher premium), she has no investments or savings, and her house was reverse mortgaged about 9 years ago, so there won't be much equity if any. My life totally sucks, but at least I know my mom has excellent care in her home, and I see her often and we have an affectionate relationship. I treasure the time with my sweet mom, and my goal is for her to be comfortable, safe and happy. So I get the satisfaction of knowing I am doing the right thing, and none of the guilt the other sibling will have when she passes. It is most important you see that your loved one is cared for and is happy, than who gets what.

I could have written each of these comments! It's a sad situation when siblings decide to destroy you when all you've done is step up to the plate and care for your parent. You quit your job, lose your income, your social life and privacy in your own home! And yes, it's always about the money and or a power struggle. My goal is all money or assets is going to be spent on her! There will be no inheritance to receive! When "someone", and I say this without pointing fingers calls Adult Protective Services on you just because they want to make your life miserable they are the ones with the problem! The call was made after I moved Mom into a Memory Care Facility after she had lived with me for almost 3 years! I felt she needed more interaction and socialization with her age group! She loves it there! It was the best thing for her and me! I'm now trying to learn to live again!

I didn't read all the posts, too many. Just need to say POA doesn't mean ur physically responseable for parents. A POA can be in one state the caregiver in another. Which makes things hard for the caregiver. Its just common sense to have the caregiver the POA especially for medical. A POAs responsibility is to handle the finances, handle medical and final wishes. If you choose to care for ur parents than that is your decision. Their are so many choices out there for the elderly if they would get out of that "I want to stay in my home " mentality. This is not always possible. My Mom is in a nice nursing home. She is well cared for. The staff loves her. Mom is failing. She has been to the point that I wouldn't have been able to care for her physically. Having her on Medicaid has taken a lot off my shoulders. The home handles it all. All I do is visit. I have some pre-medicaid stuff tovtake care of but once thatvis done I will have that overwhelming feeling taken off my shoulders. I can then work on getting my disabled nephew set up in an apartment with what he needs to live on his own. Its one thing after another.

If you believe you're doing a honest job of what you agreed to, then why the heck do you care what others think? It's hard, but develop a thick skin and do the best you can. By the way, don't ever try explaining your actions or reason with your siblings or anyone, it won't work! They already made up their minds to get you for their perceived injustices.

I was Durable Power of Attorney for my mother which included medical and financial. When she passed, I then became Executor/Representative of her Estate. I voluntarily agreed to those responsibilities. Never again will I assume such a nightmarish and thankless responsibility. My mother ran me through an emotional wringer and dealing with the probate court in my county was enough to make me realize these legal responsibilities are better left to the professionals who have no emotional investment with dealing with these issues.