I was visiting my 86 yr old father in hospital his hematologist dr happened to come in while I was there… I asked him as we were walking out “ what his opinion was on my fathers future” as he’s been declining fast in my eyes. He gave his opinion as to what he would do if it was his father but clearly stated by no means is this what needs to happen. I told him thank you and we parted way. I felt I should talk to my sister dads (proxy) and let her know what he had said. She flipped out and said “I am his proxy don’t ever talk to another dr. Again. Any you need/want to know should come through my mouth." I was completely dumbfounded as to her reaction. She since then has given no updates. I visit everyday, I would never try any take her position as his proxy… she is letting this title as his proxy go to her head!?
And then on top of that there is the issue of confidentiality - only there, strictly speaking, the haematologist had no business discussing your father's prognosis with you and he's the one who wants a rap over the knuckles, not you.
So I can see *why* she feels anxious about controlling communication, but all the same she can keep her hair on. You couldn't very well ask her what that doctor would do in your family's place, could you? Phrasing it as nicely as you can, I should tell her something like "nobody's undermining you as Dad's proxy and obviously - in the way I just have - if I hear background information I will always pass it on. Calm down, dear."
Is she wrestling with any especially challenging decisions right now,* or has she always been a bit of a Napoleon like this?
*PS - what I mean is, the proxyship may be preying on her mind rather than going to her head. Would you say she's been handling it pretty well so far?
Fear. Of what's to come. The burden upon her. Will she do the right thing etc.
Fear often leads to wanting to keep everything under control.
Of course you have every right to have a regular conversation with a Doctor. You are both humans right?
Was sis very close to Dad? She may be starting to grieve too. This will ramp up emotions.
Aim to de-esculate. Work together if you can.
Medical POAs/Advanced directives are not in effect unless the person has been deemed incompetent to make informed decisions or they are non-responsive and the person assigned then needs to make decisions based on the principles wishes. You were lucky that the Dr. answered your question because under HIPPA if Dad had not put you on the Hippa paperwork as someone to talk to, he shouldn't have. And if Dad is of sound mind, he can add u to HIPPA paperwork as someone a doctor can talk to.
It is possible your sister is following your father's Advance Healthcare Directive, something he himself would have authorized as guidance for his future care and your sibling is just trying to honor it while possibly disagreeing with it. Keep the family peace and ask your sibling how you can be helpful to her in this situation.