Difficult mother; any experience with caring for a parent who is extremely stubborn and narrow-minded?

How do I get involved with her medical care?
You don't

How do I avoid enabling her?
By not helping, Illusion of independence

How do I not let frustration get the best of me?
Don't get involved if she doesn't specifically ask for it

And don't move in with her or move her near you or you'll become her slave 24/7. The personality type you're describing would be awful to deal with in that situation.

It is not your responsibility to care for a stubborn woman that throws tantrums. Let her be the only victim of her bad decisions.

Location, location, location... What place do you like better? You need to move yourself closer to mom or vs. 6 pack, adult living place.

Get POA on health and finances.. Tag, you are it, nobody else around, right?

Wrap around the family... get her close to you one way or the other, takes a lot of stress off..... I had mine within a 2 mile radius from home and work... Then I got them in one place.. less stress. one stop for 2 geriatrics...

Trust me. Stay on opposite coasts. It will never get better. It’s not up to you to take care of her.

Have you ever asked Mom her future plans?

"Hey Mom, this came up with a friend's Mom (small therapeutic fib) if you got too old or sick to look after yourself, what's your plan?

Had some great replies in my lot: Spend my money on maids I suppose... Just put me in the nearest nursing home... The old 'shoot me'... I'll just move in with daughter & she can treat me like royalty, ha ha. The last one was shot down in flames by that designated daughter/subject! No that WON'T be happening 😂

The thing is. It's Mom's life. It's up to HER to make a plan (unless deemed medically & legally incompetent).

PS Ask her to get an idea of her thinking - not to promise to make it happen!

Why on earth would you move in with her?

Is she asking for your assistance? Its HER job to make a plan for her old age.

Children are not a retirement plan.

I am delighted to find this page this morning. OK here i go. first let me say mom drinks alcohol, a bottle a month, ginger brandy which make her anxieity, this month was whisky which makes her more mean., usually a gallon of wine. all not good mix with meds. I tell her no booze she says shes going to drink. Mom said lets put everything in dishwasher thinking this will save in her hot water bill. ( i'm only taking shower every few days to TRY n keep her quiet bout bills) Now this day she decides to hand wash so i say let me get the dishes out of dishwasher (OH my! am i giving her an order!) SO she rudely gruffly remarks on how many spoons I USED. I try to tell her i was she had been sick one for tea one for soup (whatever, such a dumb conversation) Well this led to her telling me I'm a user, look at all she has accomplished in life and how all have nothing. How all i did was complain whjen i was working on a wall mural and more. ok u r getting the picture on whats going on here. I have sanded stained her deck, wash all outside windows, caulked all windows, painted bathrooms, much more. now before i moved in as her care taker she literally had willed part of house to non family members left my sisters and her sons out stating they weren't good to her as these other folks. OMG. At lest now the home is in my name. My dad was a peach and would never lower himself to even debate about spoons. I actually understand she was venting on me
she was sad that these folks i mentioned were home visiting and never called her and my sisters son never called to thank her for an engagement card. I had a male visitor and she was trying to flirt with him. i was never included in the conversation except to go and get a refill on something as if i was the servant. This is not new behavior i grew up with her acting same way.

all great advice but what about protecting home from nursing home?

Worst mistake you would ever make in your life is to move in. You think it's bad now wait till you're her slave 24/7

Following for tips.

First of all, I don’t suggest you move in with her. If you don’t want to give up your established life, then move her to facility near you. There won’t be any way to make her a reasonable human being if she has been difficult all her life. So figure out what you are willing to do for her and then stick to your guns. Often it seems easier to just give in to get along but this is the rest of your life. If she won’t move, then ask her what HER plan is? She needs a POA that she designates. I would not consider agreeing to assist without having it.

We hired a social worker (Aging Life Specialist) to interact with our difficult, out of state parent.

I found her on aginglifecare.org.

It wasn't inexpensive but neither were trips back and forth to handle various emergencies. Good luck!

I hear you loud and clear. Caring for my husband has taken all my energy away. I did not have a lot o begin with as
I am handicapped with EDS. That aside I feel that sinking feeling you feel with my life sinking away. It is very depressing and fills me with anxiety. I even told my doctor I do not feel I can do it anymore. He will not take meds as directed and now refuses to see his doc because he is past due on cognitive testing for his brain. Our doc said he can not force him to come in. He is stubborn and verbally abusive.

I agree with the answer that suggested you move her to a facility near you. If things are already difficult between you, moving in together will only escalate the situation. My MiL has been living with us for 8 years. She is 95 and has Parkinsons. Her needs have increased steadily each year and I am the primary caregiver. She is usually sweet and so am I but we have recently hit a brick wall and our claws are coming out. She has had several falls recently, thank God no breaks but I always worry the next fall could be the “bad one.” No professional (nurse or doctor) believes she should be up on her own, but that she should have assistance when ambulating. She calls sometimes, but many other times does not, and I often find her up in the bathroom (where she fell just last week), by herself. I hit the roof and she cries and says I’m being mean, she just didn’t want to bother me, etc. We’re at a crossroads. And you will be too if you move in with your parent at your home or hers. Please consider your options. It can be very frustrating and isolating being the live-in caregiver. I told my husband this morning, I feel like my life has been high jacked. Best of luck to you and keep us posted.

IGNORE her.
She is into control. Since so much about her she cannot control. She manipulates you. It’s a process. Step back. Verbalize your position. Ignore the ranting.

My Mother is the epitome of stubborn. She only does things under her own terms. She’s 90. She’s been this way my entire life and it’s pride that will be her demise unfortunately. I live in Florida and she lives in NJ. I’ve tried for 5 months to get her to agree with having a home healthcare nurse help her out. She has Medicaid and Medicare so she’s be fully covered. I even told her I’d pay privately if she wanted a special nurse. She told me absolutely not and she didn’t need any help. I went to NJ for a few weeks to visit and kind of get a grasp on what was going on and find out things she wasn’t telling me with her life. She feels she doesn’t need help, doesn’t want help and she was fine living the way she was. I needed to know. Our phone conversations are just catching up and pleasantries but she would never tell me anything medically because she knew I’d he on her to agree to get help. She had even told me several times I brought up the subject that she would not let the healthcare worker in her apartment. She was having trouble with mobility because her legs were swollen so that was a big issue. She fell in her apartment twice and still she refused help. She lives alone at her age and in addition she didn’t want any help. So now after months (years really because of her stubbornness and pride) we’ve arrived to her present situation. She fell in her apartment and couldn’t get up. Her neighbor just so happened to have knocked on her door to check up on her and heard my Mother yelling for help. Long story short, my Mother was rushed to the hospital and among the laundry list of medical issues she already had we add quite a few more including a heart condition. She never told me of these new medical issues because again her pride didn’t allow her to inform her own daughter. She’s presently in a rehab facility after she was released from the hospital getting physical therapy. It’s been determined by her doctor that she needs to remain at the facility long term because she CAN NOT go back to her apartment to live alone. So there is where things are. As hard as I fought for her to just accept help and her refusing me to no end now she has no other choice but to remain in a nursing home. If she had just stopped fighting the help I was offering and not been so stubborn and prideful she wouldn’t have ended up in this current situation. When I moved to Florida 30 years ago I purchased a house with an extra bedroom and bathroom for my Mother in hopes she’d come live with me and my family and take care of her. She refused and never even entertained that thought. She does things under her own terms to this day and even though she’s now in a facility she’s not cooperating with the staff. I wish you the best of luck.

As horrible as it sounds, and Rosie T’s experience sums it up, you may have to resign yourself to WFTF (waiting for the fall). So often, that is what it takes to get medical professionals to force the issue of long term care. If there isn’t a dementia issue where you can get an incompetence declaration, you might just have to resign yourself to waiting for a precipitating event that requires rehab and medical intervention. It’s horrible that it may come to that, but if you read much of the Q&A’s, you know how many are in the same boat. Don’t beat yourself up.

I agree, I have a stubborn mom who when she drinks gets verbally mean and abusive to me and my aging dad. When an idea of assisted living came
up, she adamantly refuses. She can’t drive , but loves shopping for things she doesn’t need or to give away. I have Botha POA and advanced health directive . She stayed one month with me and that was all I could
take before she moved to another sisters place for time being. Frustrating for sure .

Considering that she is a difficult mother please do not have her move in with you. You will lose your life and she will not get the care she needs. She has many health issues which need professional care. Stubborn family members tend to be more cooperative with non family carers on whom her tantrums will have less effect.

If she will give you POA medical that authorizes you to be involved with her health care. If not, all you can do is communicate your concerns with her doctors but they cannot (HIPAA) share anything with you unless your mother oks it, and then you wait till her doctors deem her unable to live alone anymore.

It is easy to say put her in to a home near you but you cannot force an adult who is deemed competent to do anything. However, it might by wise to start looking around at suitable facilities so you are prepared when the time comes. If she has the financial resources to pay for care in a facility, that's great. If not you might want to get familiar with medicaid. At some point, as well as POA medical, she needs to assign a POA financial.

As has been said by others, waiting for the crisis that brings things to a head isn't easy, but sometimes it is the only route available to you. (((((hugs))))) Look after you.

Seems like your mother's required level of care is beyond your capacity. Does your Mom also have a mental decline, a mental disorder, or a combination of both? Does she sleep much at night? I think a social worker along with her doctors will provide support for assistance. Hope you have POA. I Pray and hope for the best for both of you. ♡♡♡♡

How about changing your approach and LETTING frustration get the best of you? Tell it like it is!

The world is full of two stories about the outcome. One way is that mother (F, FIL, MIL) finally gets the picture that she is not in charge, she relies on you, and it’s in her best interests to keep you on side. (Yes, it does happen, it did happen with my MIL when FIL died suddenly – she changed almost overnight) The other way is that the relationship comes to a dead halt and that automatically lets you off the hook.

Pretending to be a punching bag really isn’t that bright! Particularly when you are getting punched in the head.

I would need to know what the "laundry list of health challenges" were other than age, being obese and depression, as well as being narrow mined and stubborn. Under no circumstances, should she live with you or you with her.

Have her move into a home near you but not with you. Trust me. From the posts on here, people will tell you do not uproot yourself and put yourself into the lion’s den. We love our mothers and our Dads but sometimes it just flat out doesn’t work to move in with them. You will lose yourself if that parent is controlling, bossy, too dependent on you and you feel like you can’t even move. Like you are in a straight jacket. There are many stories like yours on here.

Don’t move in with her...I did it and it almost KILLED me. I now have PTSD from living in constant ‘fight or flight’ for 4 years! Horrible!

This is horrible when you are forced to take care of people like this. As to me, I simply would recognize them for what they are and do and if I saw a negative impact on my life and those around me, with no cooperation or willingness to "behave", that would be the end. I would no longer allow it - no matter what - and I would immediately place them somewhere. In the meantime, stand up to them and be very tough and firm and tell them they must stop their behavior at once and if not, there will be severe consequences and prepare to follow through. Sometimes fear wills stop them and if not, they must leave - now. You cannot and should not tolerate this.

Hello... my Mom and I had a poor relationship for thirty years, but we owned property together which I lived in only a few years. After living with my adult daughter with whom I had a poor relationship she abruptly asked me to move. Then Mom called said the spare bedroom was available and to come live in our house. Mom had serious back problems. Her husband lived there also. I finished up a BA degree and a Ma degree and worked part time. I did the heavy cleaning for them
Mom and her husband had a tulmultuious relasionship. Then after a couple years of peace btn Mom and I she decided to have back surgery but had a stroke during surgery. She was overweight, diabetic and had hb pressure, then began seizing. I watched over her day and night for two years spending the night a many diff hospitals with her and emergency rooms. My kids, my sisters kids and sister helped at home at first, but years of Mom bashing me had affected them badly. The stopped helping me. the first year her husband went away but then came back. I eventually realized, they were codependent, he supplied the bad food, and gave her self centered advice, and didn believe in a clean environment. She had cleaned and both cooked for him for 25 years. Mom was addicted to her physician as well. Moms and I had unresolved issues sometimes she would apologize to me for her past feelings and then have an extreme reversal when had a uti. I split her caregiving with agency personnel 15 days a month. I lived off a limited resources which ran out, they paid me $300 a month during the last year. The family mismanaged her money, I complained a rec a terrible backlash. She had become unappreciative f me and lonely because the family also rarely came to see her, she cried. Her weight was almost normal and she was taking minimal meds. I went to care for another relative, same thing I did for Mom, coordinating all her care and therapies eventually but caregivers quit and I became her only caregiver for 2 years, with blending vegetable and fruit juices and loading all meals down with extra vegies me and my cousin dropped around 4 to six dress sizes all from proper nutrition the first year and she had required no hospitalizations since I moved in. I stabilized her mood swings with nutrition, fun, therapy, room temperature control, a sanitized environment, fresh air, music , good movies, and TV shows, day outings, movie theaters, hairsalon, pedicures, in the home and out of the home. BUT i still did some things for Mom. She started gaining weight, I thought it was his cooking and bad snacks, but found out her meds had been increased to 22 pills a day and by then she gained well over 100 pounds. Well after a terrible fight with my cousins health plan, after my doing most of their case mgmt work, they placed her adult protective custody and I went back to Moms. This time my daughter, granddaughter, three caregivers she and him. The house was trashed, the caregivers doing bare minimum, her husband looking for ways to assert his beliefs even if he had not read up on anything, and they were still being codependent. Well I had so much paper evidence about my cousin and paperwork to do for her case, I stayed with Mom, and she was in and out of hospital again. The meds gave her metabolic toxicity, She had many low potassium symptoms, also. So I took the helm again and battled them about her nutrition, worked night and day to get the house in order, provided home economics to my daughter and her daughter. Stood up to staff to work together on all aspects. of personal care i maintain supply inventory. Some of the staff quit, took breaks, etc. I filled in along with her husband cause now he got paid. I didnt get paid for 7 of 8 months. Moms health good, a new doctor all SIX pills a day. Hydralic lift to pick her up. Weight a struggle accepts vegetables sometimes in breakfast and almost all other meals. About Mom and Stepdad, i'm glad I'm part owner of the house. Prayer essential.

I dont plan on staying with the family. I'd like to in a way, they have to keep things together for Mom. Everybody be getting paid and dont want to listen to do not thi k what they know can be improved upon. I've worked in so many different jobs in my lifetime, I believ in streaming proceeds but not reinventing the wheel. I been treated so badly that I recover very quickly. It takes a special set of circumstances to even think about doing this job. It's worth seeing your relative survive and get better, but whether theyll actually change is another story. Caregiving can be rewarding especially when you cannot work outside the home. You need to have backup income, because people estimate your income and devalue your services for relatives. If your broke people are even less kind and actually cheat you. Caregiving for relatives is like a college education both ed side practical care, medical, and business components
You have to safeguard all personal information and secure belongings, fire safety and evacuation plans. A lot of things can hi wrong, equipment breaks down, legal aspects, medications and side effects, and medical appointments and issues. You got to really want someone to survive.

Just wanted to share my experience in case it could help anyone. As a warning to what your life can become. Trust your instincts- it seems like they are telling you to not get closer.

I didn't know how to help myself from falling into the trap because of course I was raised to meet other's expectations. I still don't fully understand my own feelings and thoughts so I finally have started Al-anon. I'm not truly living my life and at this point I don't know what that even means. I don't know how to live for myself, like I need a crisis or drama or someone to impose on me so I'll feel at ease.

I'm 31, female, my mom died 4 years ago so I had moved back in with her and my toxic grandma to be with them while she goes through chemo. So that was like 7 years ago when I gave up my hopes/dreams. I have been here feeling stuck with my grandma because of how strongly she emotionally manipulates me. I started drinking and going out at night and just doing her bidding during the day. None of this was okay, but I let it be okay because I saw no alternative because she threatens to not speak to me if I move out. I came back for my Mom and I don't regret that, but I took on her problems (her mom).

From where you are now, don't take a step towards something you know will be negative. Unless you have the boundaries and ability to detach completely. She can use her words to eat away at every last shred of confidence and self-esteem you have. Losing your cool will cause you to lose more self-esteem and self-regard. It is a vicious cycle. Don't do it. Its going to take me years and years of alanon to recover.