Did we make the right decision?

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Did we make the right decision?

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I’m so distressed that Mom doesn’t seem to be adjusting very well to the assisted living. Every time I see her she begs me to let her go home. But I don’t see that as feasible.

Even while there, she has fallen twice and once even had to be taken to the emergency room (last week). Thank god she was not badly hurt.

Even if we could afford 24/7 care for her at home, which costs more than twice what we are already paying, there are always issues with caregivers not showing up or not being qualified—happens to her elderly neighbor all the time, and my friend went through the same thing with his own parents before they died.

Last year, when she was stilll at home, Mom found a problem with every caregiver who went there to help her, and dismissed them all saying she didn’t need them…and then she ended up in the hospital three times via ambulance.

She suffers from mild dementia (frequent irritability, anger, hysterics), gets very confused occasionally, and has definite issues with walking and balance. In my opinion she requires professional skilled care and is better off where she is.

I guess I’d like some encouragement that we have made the right decision. I feel terribly guilty and distressed to think that I have overreacted by placing her in assisted living, even though she originally agreed to go, toured the place and said she liked it, and chose her own room herself. But she is miserable, and every single conversation is all about her insisting on going home.

Is this the right decision? I think so, but am not certain of anything these days. One thing I do know—I cannot go through what we went through last year again, knowing what we know now.

Assisted Living Care Decisions Guilt

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Angelman, she wasn't happy in her own home. She isn't going to be happy in an AL.

If I could encourage you to help her get involved in activities by going with her and starting conversations with others, help her find friends.

She may never adjust, but you are right, she needs 24/7 care and she is exactly where she needs to be.

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Of coarse you made the right decision. It is common for them to use one person as their complaint department. She is a chronic complainer to you, that is her hobby.

When she starts tell her that when you receive a letter from her doctor stating that she can go home, you will take it under consideration...this of coarse will never happen. Then tell her that you will no longer listen to her about going home and that you will leave when she starts, then do so, every time.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. Actually when you are not around she most likely doesn't complain, it's all about her game, she is manipulating you!

Good Luck!

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It takes time for them to adjust, plain & simple. You did the right thing b/c living at home wasn't working; what other choice was there to make??? My mother has lived in Assisted Living since 2014 and has fallen 41x that we KNOW of! Never once hurt herself badly enough to go the hospital, believe it or not, but wound up in Memory Care this past June after a physical and mental decline with dementia. I have no other choice but to leave her where she is because she is very well taken care of, and I cannot and will not do it for her at home. I am not qualified nor am I interested in changing Depends all day long, changing wet linens every morning, figuring out how to transfer 190 lbs from wheelchair to toilet............shall I go on? Make a list yourself of the reasons why she cannot live at home, and then ditch the guilt once you look over the list. She's in capable hands now and trust me, you will STILL have plenty on your plate while she's in AL..........your role is never over. There will still be a huge amount for you to do so it's not like you've 'dropped her off' and are 'done'.

Oh, and by the way, it's the LAW for them to complain about all sorts of things in AL. If they didn't have things to invent to complain about, they'd have nothing to talk about!! Especially The Food. OMG the food is so horrrrrrrrrrrrible. Meanwhile, my mother has gained nearly 50 lbs since 2014 from all the 'horrible' food!! Just let it all go in one ear & out the other, unless you feel she is making a VALID complaint about something. Then you speak to the ED about it, naturally.

Best of luck!

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angelman66, I went through the almost exact scenario you describe with my own mom. We tried home healthcare. She put her foot down and would not let them do any of what they were getting paid to do. If they offered to make her something to eat she would say no, my daughter is coming over to make me dinner. She balked at everything. She also fell a number of times while at home. One time she fell and phoned an ambulance herself. They had to bust the lock on her door to get in. She never even mentioned to me that this had happened. I found out when I showed up at her place and saw her door. Eventually she agreed herself that this wasn't working and agreed to go to the nursing home. She never complained about being there but I knew she was sad. But there was no alternative.

You can't second guess your decision. I know seeing your mom so unhappy breaks your heart but all you can do now is concentrate on trying to help your mom to adjust to her new life situation. You know in your heart that eventually even if you were to take her back to her old living situation that she would ultimately end up where she needs to be which is where she is now.

You have made the right choice.

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She would be miserable anywhere she lived. Her misery stems not from her living situation but rather her condition. Yes, you did right by your mother. It's time to move on from the guilt - guilt is for when you did something wrong - toward acceptance that you cannot make your mother happy. My FIL has "mild dementia" and he chooses to be miserable and both my husband and I are over it. Your mother (and my FIL) still choose their attitudes most of the time.

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Yes!! Sounds like you've taken into consideration all of her needs, as well as recognizing that you cannot care for her - and that's wise, if not admirable. Her mild dementia will get worse and as it progresses, the challenges of caregiving become more demanding and stressful. Please stop second-guessing yourself. Given time, you'll know you made the right decision. Hugs. 💙

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I've been visiting people in our local AL twice a week or so for 4 years; I've noticed most of the residents are very unhappy in the beginning because they see it all as loss. Some perk up within weeks, some within months, but most of the ones I know are doing well now and are content. Wonder if they were so at home?

One thing that seems to help is if their family doesn't visit or call a great deal at first; keeps them from grasping so hard at the possibility of going "home". After awhile, "home" becomes the AL for most.

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Ask the people at AL how your mother is when you are not there. It seems to be common for people to complain to their visiting children, when they are actually fairly happy most of the time. It’s more of a protest than a problem.

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You made the right choice.

Find out if there is a geriatric psychiatrist who makes visits to this AL. Have your mom seen. Meds can't cure dementia, but often the right combination of antidepressants and antianxiety meds can mitigate the anger, depression and agitation that accompany it.

Elderly people fall. They fall at home, in ALs and in Nursing homes. When I told a discharge planning RN that my mom fell with 2 aides in her room, she replied "my mom fell with 3 RNs in the room and one of them was ME". She pointed out that sometimes falls are caused by spontaneous hip fractures, TIAs and low BPs; all things that are pretty common in elderly folks.

When mom falls in the AL, there are folks around to witness it and get her the help she needs. She is where she needs to be.

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Yes you are doing the right thing. Many of us have gone through the same thing. Your mom, my mom, would not be happy at home or in a facility. But at some point we just have to do what has to be done. It’s kind of of head vs heart thing.
Its the only rational solution but it still breaks your heart.

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Of course that was the right decision. Her needs had far exceeded what could be given to her in her home situation,

yeah, everyone grows old...and many grow so old they outlive their bodies ability to carry on. It is hard to be trapped in a frail body when your minds image is still vital.

yes, for her own safety and protection ... you made the right decision.

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Did we make the right decision?

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