My sister (34F) had to move into my parent’s place a year ago, as she lost her place. From April to August things were going ok, until my father had to have his leg amputated and he went to different nursing homes from August until he passed away the morning after thanksgiving. I was my father’s primary caregiver and durable power of attorney taking care of the nursing home placement and his care. I was also financially responsible to each nursing facility that he went to, all while I worked full time. While my father was in the nursing home, my sister stayed at my dad’s apartment with my stepmom. During the time my sister was staying with my parents, her car was broken into and she quit her job. My sister and stepmom didn’t really get along too well.
Long story short, after my father died, I had to identify my father’s body at the hospital. I also planned and paid for his memorial service. My father did not have life insurance and though I wanted to give him the traditional funeral with a casket, etc., I had to have him cremated and I planned the memorial service for a month out and paid on it every two weeks.
My stepmother, once my dad died, only asked me about the death certificates. I had a feeling that my sister was no longer working, but I never asked. I just encouraged her to regain her independence and I sent her CashApps when I could. On the day of my father’s memorial service, my sister did not attend. After the memorial service, I went to my parent’s apartment and after an hour of dragging it out of her, my sister finally told me that she quit her job in August and had been unemployed for 4 months.
She continued to stay with my stepmother after the memorial service and I sent her money when I could. My stepmother and sister continued to bicker and my stepmother kicked her out.
I picked my sister up and bought her to stay with me 3 months ago. I kept money in her pocket and I covered all the expenses, I also bought her a cell phone, as hers was off for some time.
I noticed that she was dealing with symptoms of depression. I have seen them in her, because I suffer from depression, myself. Whenever I bring up therapy or her talking to someone, she snaps at me.
Over the course of the last 3 months, I have told her to go to temp agencies and to apply to any job that she could, just so she could cover her own expenses. For three months, she says she was looking and applying, but nothing panned out. I encouraged her to apply for assistance and to physically go to the temp agencies and to just get A job. Whenever I bring up her getting a job, she snaps at me.
Three days ago, I compiled a list of job openings and links to apply for assistance. I asked her if she at reviewed it and she ignored me. For two days I waited and I asked her again and she snapped at me. Ultimately we got into a shouting match and I told her that she had to go stay with our mother (parents divorced 30 years ago and mom is a bit estranged).
I’m only a year older than my sister and I thought I was doing right by her, but she fought me every step of the way.
I feel it is a mistake to invest money in parent's care, and it honestly at this point takes a lifetime of personal savings, investment to take care of our own lives and to save enough so that in old age we are not dependent on our own children and on society at large.
In normal circumstances our elder's savings serve to finance their care until it is gone, and then they have the same social safety net any citizen here has to apply for help. You can be a big help in pointing them toward options available to them.
If your sister moved in with your parents (Dad and step mom) then that's really their business. As your step mom eventually proved by asking her to leave. Your sister is an adult now for way over a decade. It is her own responsibility to support herself, seek employment and housing. If you are handing out money--while this is so well meaning--it may enable someone to avoid the realities of their own lives.
I would step away. Be supportive of your step mom if you enjoy her company while she recuperates from her grave loss. Take time and get support for your own grieving, and take comfort you have no longer to worry for your father. Your sister is of age. Support her with words of encouragement, and point out shelters for her as she gets herself back up on her own feet.
Your heart is in the right place, but I would put your hand back in your own pocket and your cash in the bank for your own future. Give words of encouragement and keep cash out of the equation to my mind would be more helpful.
I am so sorry for everyone's grief and trials and I wish you all well.
She has no incentive to work and do for herself if there is always someone who swoops in to rescue her.
You’re both young and have time to build lives for yourselves. Sis isn’t helpless or hopeless. I have depression too and it sucks, but life would suck a lot more if I depended on others to do everything for me.
You went above and beyond. You’re a good big brother!
You haven't failed your sister. She has failed herself. You won't be able to help her; she has too many issues for that. She needs professional help, whether it be counseling or a shelter where they can help her develop better skills at getting along in this world.
You're not expected to take on everyone's problems as your own. Family can only do so much when the one being helped isn't receptive to improving the situation.
Stop propping up your sister and move on. If you don't, you may end up taking care of her for the rest of your life, and that would NOT be a good life for you.
If you feel guilty for asking her to go, just remind yourself that you did try to help and that there is only so much you can do. Ultimately, you can try to repair the relationship, but only you can make that decision and how best to do so is up to you. Best of luck.
Your a better person than I am. I had a sister who made more money than I ever did or would. We are sure she suffered from depression and maybe Bi-Polar, its genetic. She passed 27 yrs ago. She would be almost 71. Always wonder where she would be now because her priorities were screwed up. She would by jewelry over paying her bills. My Mom has been gone 7 yrs, So she couldn't live with her. My DH and I are doing OK but we need to consider our future needs so could not support her.
And you should not be supporting her. Give her an ultimatum. She needs to find a job by a certain time. You are not giving her anymore money. You will house her and feed her but she needs to earn her own money. She will also be expected to pay towards rent if she wants to continue to live with you. You can put that money in a bank account to help her get a place of her own eventually. Do not allow this to be permanent. My GFs daughter suffers from depression. And she says she keeps it at bay by keeping busy. Think about it, you sit around doing nothing, feeding into the depression. She needs a diagnosis and Meds.
My cousin is Bi-Polar and u should see the list of wonderful jobs he has had, the last being a teacher. He is now retired and living in one of prettiest places in Cal.