My mom has beginning dementia and she's visiting me from India. I will take her back next month - she refused to let me apply for a green card here.
So I want to hire a p/t aide for a few hours for her. Mom lives in a senior center which is good only for regular seniors, not dementia. Mom is very upset about getting an aide and insists she will manage on her own.
Mom doesn't care that both I and my brother are in foreign countries and cannot rush to her side in a heartbeat. She says stupid things like,"I hope you come for my funeral at least " etc. I feel with an aide's help mom can still have a better quality of life but mom doesn't get this idea at all.
I am very tempted to leave mom alone in her senior center and wait for a catastrophe. I'm getting tired of being a good kid and looking out for her. Has anyone actually left their parent alone because they were too stubborn to take help?
I can, of course, blackmail her she will not go back unless she accepts an aide.
Thank you!
Don’t ‘blackmail’ your mother into staying with you. It could be a disaster for both of you. And most people can't stop a parent from being stubborn when they are in the next room, let alone on the other side of the Pacific Ocean!
When it comes to consequences can the senior center handle things.
I found that my own life had to go on hold when my late father moved in with me. It's something we have to get used to. Consult with a pro in dementia and find out what you will need to nail down in India so you can sleep at night. Take her back and just do what needs doing, whether she likes it or not. As much as you can, keep her in ignorance about her future. And stop expecting her to be rational about any of the plans for her future. Just have things lined up and ready to go.
When she makes a funeral comment, just agree with her, then let it go. You know how she is, just ignore the intent and remember she is not really still the mother you knew.
Do what needs to be done for her safety and care and and don't fret. Some things we can do, and if dealing with someone who doesn't have it all together, we just do it or we pass our parents on to people who can do what needs doing.
I hired a morning attendant for my father--who was living in a facility near me, but didn't offer as much help and care as he needed. He was closer to her than to me, which was a relief, as it gave me some time to live my own life. Whatever he said about me was irrelevant as long as he was safe and cared for. When I was young he was "all there," loving and somewhat lovable. But those things change. At advanced old age, he was a new person.
We do what we can and don't beat ourselves up for our mistakes when we first walk this painful path. Much later now, I consider my dad a "learning experience," and regret my failures, but don't beat myself up about them. Your mother is your learning experience. I hope you can do the best you can with what you have to work with, and it lets you sleep at night. Loss of sleep can contribute to your own dementia.
I am in the US and we hired someone called an Aging Life Specialist to be in contact with our stubborn senior. She is a social worker with over 30 years of experience and she has been a big help. But even she is saying all we can do is offer the help and wait until he will accept it.
There have been two incidents that I think would have required us to make an emergency visit and we didn't have to fly up there because we had her on site and she went to the ER, kept us informed and helped the senior navigate his options.
If there is someone in India who would oversee your mother's situation it would probably be a comfort to you and your brother. Is there anyone at her current senior center that could give you some guidance?
You will need to find an aide who is a good personality fit for your mom and that might take a few tries. It would be great to have some local oversight of the situation.
Best of luck.
Could the agenda behind this be that your mother would like it if you, in her perfect world, were to relocate to India? (where in India, by the way? - big place!)
What do the managers at the senior centre recommend?
Or, are you giving the blackmail idea serious thought? - would you actually like her to move near to you?
As long as mom shows up at the dining hall for 3 meals and is ok, the managers don't see anything wrong with her. They say it's upto her kids to figure out her long-term care.
Im not too keen on having mom live with me if she needs 24/7 care - its v tiring even now to cook an Indian breakfast and lunch and rush to my job and then find ways to keep her mind engaged.
I would not try to put her in a facility here. There would be a language barrier plus cultural. In Moms AL there was an Italian lady who lived most of her life in the US so could speak English. With Dementia, though, she switched back to Italian, her birth language. She may have understood English but only spoke in Italian. Another lady only Spanish and only one aide who spoke it.
I'm in touch with mom's neighbors and management and will, of course, speak to them about the aide. Anyway, the aide's contact info has to be registered with the management. They will . handle things for 48 hours if there is an emergency and I am very thankful for this.
As Whyarewe says, I've to focus on her safety now and my own peace of mind.
Thank you, everyone - I'm just very nervous! I know I will keep coming back here to ask for more advice!
Ive dropped off meals on wheels to people that should have been in a health care unit. A lot of the places smelled like very strong urine. Some people were sitting in the dark. It did not occur to them to put the light on. They did not bathe or change clothes. They did not visit with others living there, or do activities. A very lonely existance.
If it werent for the meal, they probably wouldnt eat. If they remember to eat.
I think she would be better off with more care. To see she is toileting, bathing and looked after. So what if she gets mad. She will get mad whatever the situation. It is better that she is looked after than left alone. Good luck.
The last time was when I made a doctor's appointment to have her medicines checked - her eyes were always glazed over. This is often a sign of medicines.
The night before, she called and told me not to pick her up, she had cancelled the appointment. I told her I expected her to do that and after a small bit of conversation, we ended the call. My mother simply couldn't handle anyone helping her in any way. She was stubborn to the end.
Mom passed away on New Year's Day 2004, sometimes you just can't fight them. She left behind my father and I assisted him for another 7.5 years until he too passed on.
You don't want to wait for a catastrophe you want to prevent them for as long as possible. (Just know one will happen it is just a matter of when..and we want to delay the when)
If she will not accept the help you should tell her that she will not be able to visit again as you are concerned about her safety and you can not spend your time worrying about her.
No one wants to admit they need help, no one wants to admit they are loosing their independence, and it mist be frightening to know you are loosing bits of your mind. Give Mom a hug and tell her you are doing this because you love her and want to keep her safe and happy and you hope your children do the same for you one day. (and remember those words because it will happen)
I appreciate the response about writing to her friends, etc. ahead of time, but I think I’d wait till there in person. And within reason, have the conversations with your mom present. Like it’s a regular theme similar to whether she needs a new hairdresser.
Stubborn is the word! I think we’re the product of a different era than theirs, gosh they went through so much that we’ll never understand. I know it’s a generalization, but there was less talk of helping for weakness or vulnerability. You had to look and act tough as nails, don’t complain, don’t ask.
Good luck, wren. 💐
This is, IMO, not about stubornness. It just looks like that to you b/c you are not able to feel what your mom feels.
Some nights I just cannot sleep flat in a bed. My bones won't let me sleep. It's weird sensation and i dont think anyone understands until they experience it themselves...sort of like childbirth!
When these nights happen, I wrap myself in fluffy socks and snuggly warm covers and sleep like a baby all night long in the recliner. Some nights I just feel will be bad, so start out in the recliner and can sleep 6-8 hours. It seems I've hardly moved all night. Why not just let mom sleep where she wants to sleep and see what happens? If you try sleeping on the sofa you would hear if she had to get up, but by limiting fluids after 6 pm, she might not wake at all til daylight.
Did your mom have problems with sleeping before the dementia or after? Have you tried Melatonin 1mg? If not, talk to her Dr about this.
Now, this part will sound crazy I am just giving you heads up! Have you thought maybe your mom is scared of her bed? She is not actually scared of the bed itself; she is scared of what the bed stands for--sleep!
I have had insomnia my whole life and thoughout the years I have found myself refusing to go to bed because I feel I won't sleep so why bother. Therefore, I will lay on the couch and full a sleep, why?Because there is no presure for me to full a sleep.
Now, I can't say this will help your mom because of her dementia. All I do know is there is an underlying cause! This is just to give you some insight and food for thought.
I hope this helps.
Good Luck
My mom (83) moved here from out of state three years ago. I am her only living child (64) My husband (68)has CHF and is a diabetic, with daily health issues. He was primary caregiver for his ALZ mom who passed away 3 years ago.
My mom: Early dementia with all the poor decision making it brings, keeps us embroiled in difficult relationship with her. We have experienced first hand the care and costs these diseases require.
She has fallen twice in four months requiring surgeries and partial hip replacement. We have been there every step. She’s very independent and resents any advice (bossing her). After first fall rehab recommended AL, she went for one month. Moved back to her home had a helper coming in 2-3 hours a day. She “fired” me as we were moving her boxes in over medication management. In 19 days she fell and broke her hip. No one was there, but her helper had just left her home, so she was thankfully close. This fall was very serious and required a hip replacement. Rehab would not discharge back to her home alone and we couldn’t afford 24/7 care.
Now, in AL one month (second time) and is again ready to go home.
It is her right to suffer the consequences of her decisions, do I just let go? This is not how I wanted to spend her last years.
Resistance is often their new norm. They cling to a little pride.
I would get the aide and see how it goes. Trial and error, until it fits.
We did that with my dad, who became difficult when he developed dementia.
Just be gentle. For us it worked best.