Decision time, comments appreciated.
My younger foster son may become adoption eligible because of his mother's neglect and continuing problems with CPS (multiple custodial interferences, assaulting a police officer, and attempting to bring contraband into the local jail). Although it is unlikely the mother would ever regain custody, at some future time the CPS unification goal will come into play and require at least supervised visits. FS has been doing better since the supervised visits with his mom were discontinued, although he takes her calls from the jail about half the time.
If I were to adopt, the mother would lose all rights to visitation; regardless I would still allow phone calls and supervised visitation IF her son wants it. If I adopt, then I would be in my mid-70s when he starts college.
Knowing how some of you feel about the presence of elders in your home impacting the quality of life in childhood, what do you think? Should I adopt and basicall become a grandmother raising a kid or should I maintain the foster care relationship and plan on supporting the older brother gaining custody when he's older.
Before the foster sons, my plan was to move into an AL like condo when I was 65-68 or so (younger grand-nephew's daily visits should be less by then). My asthma, spinal stenosis, arthritis, and high blood pressure meds are slowly creeping up on my stamina and flexibility; I find some stadium steps challenging enough I no longer sit where I once did or take them at all without a handrail. I'm so stiff some mornings I use a cane or walker for balance on my first trip across the house, although I'm fine after "loosening up" a bit.
I do not have any reservations about my desire or ability to take care of his basic needs but wonder if essentially terminating his legal links to his mother will do more damage than good as I age.
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I usually didn't find oversight to be much of a problem but I am happy not to need to follow some of the guidelines. First one is I can allow the boys to stay with someone who hasn't been investigated and cleared by CPS. When my grand-nephew was the first boy to qualify for the state track meet from his small middle school and he had to be there the day before the meet to register, FS couldn't travel with GN and the coach. Not a big deal but I think it highlights the "difference" in his circumstances. Now I can get his learner's permit and start teaching firearm safety and target shooting. I already have the target air rifle picked out for Christmas! And a used dual cab short bed truck next spring! The doctor has cleared both boys for football this fall so we will have busy weekends with the high school games on Friday night and the elementary games on Saturdays. I am so looking forward to being busy!
I've made an appointment with my attorney to start the adoption process. I still have some concerns but I cannot stomach the thought of younger FS ever feeling threatened by his mother again. The biggests "threats" as I see it is my spinal stenosis and high blood pressure which could put me into a wheel chair or in the worst case result in my death. If I adopt then my wishes and arrangements rule the day without any input from bio relatives. My own mother developed spinal stenosis when she was a very young woman and my entire childhood was impacted by her limitations yet when I look back I see all the things she did FOR me; the things she didn't do don't count for much. I can only hope the FSs will have a similar view of their time with me when they are grown.
Thank you everyone for your advice, even the "don't do it" folks. Your opinions gave me things to consider and to plan around and watch for in the future.
I have enough resources to support my life for a while. I have been paying a grand-nephew to do "heavy" housework for almost 3 years now while I can take care of the routine myself; also the older FS keeps their room and bath clean and reasonably neat. My nephew has childcare POAs for the FSs and access to my daily bank account to provide supervision and care if I suffer an illness. This plan worked well during a recent surgery.l
The risk of not adopting is subjecting the younger FS to a CPS unification plan 4-6 years down the road when he's 12-15. He is doing better without visitations and his counselor states he feels more in control - he doesn't have to take mom's calls but he's free to do so. The "permanent" custody decision from the court made a big difference for the older son, knowing he never has to go back to his stepmother and he can "stay" here.
I could manage living in the 2Br 2 Ba condo with the younger son but that would be unfair to him when he is younger. The development is close to the mall, city high school and shopping/recreation areas so if he was driving it might be okay but there wouldn't be any of his friends living around. FS and younger grand-nephew spend a lot of time together.
There's some risk to me but I'm willing to accept those risks. If I adopt, it's going to be both boys, not just one. I have planned to leave resources for the FSs' education (college or trade school) whether I adopt or not. I did the same for my nephews years ago when I was paying their college expenses. I live a financially conservative life and am currently able to save about 1/2 of my disability and pension income, not counting the boys' support from the state which I save about 1/2 of it in a separate account to pay for a vehicle and help with eventual education expenses.
I have not spoken to the boys about the possibility yet. I do not want to put pressure on them or create an expectation and then have some hitch come up; I guess I don't really trust the CPS system. I'm leaning toward adoption but I want to hear the negatives you guys might raise as part of my consideration. The biggest unknown for me is whether my health will hold up. Although I have a lot of support now, I do not want to bank on it; my supporters have lives of their own to live. I don't know about the younger FS being able to sneak around on me as I age because I'm catching stuff with the grand-nephews their parents are missing but I do understand I may miss stuff as energy levels drop. I doubt he could take much advantage because I will still be living beside my nephew (assuming he's still around). At this point, the older grand-nephews are planning to stay in this area too.
The FSs are 9 and 15; will be entering 3rd and 10th grades this fall. They both have counseling and I listen to most of the counselors recommends. Younger FS sent his mother a card for mother's day with my encouragement.
Another point in favour is the support you have from other young men in your family. To me this is a big plus. You have a "team" and the FSs are part of that team and they all care for and support one another.
Of course, life is a crap shoot and you could become physically and /or mentally disabled tomorrow by a stroke or whatever. Any of us could. Should that drive your decision?
I suspect the act of adoption and the knowing that you care enough to take that route in itself would be a huge benefit to those boys who have been so neglected and unwanted in their previous short lives.
I can not tell you how very proud I am of and for you all.
I know this is a blessing beyond measure for all 3 of you.
God be with you each and every moment.
Happy dance!!!
You sound more excited in your follow up comment below than in your post/question.
Congratulations, Mom!!
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