How do I deal with daily verbal abuse from my mother?
She is 88 and lives alone. She accuses me of messing up her appointments and calendar. She has delusions which the doctor knows, but he has not diagnosed dementia yet. She needs something to ease anxiety. I can't take the daily, constant irritability and accusations, and I am the only adult child who will take her anywhere. My brothers do paperwork but no categorizing at all. She has always tried to control me, and now it is magnified. It is really wearing me down emotionally. I am afraid to call her or visit each time because I know I am going to get bombarded with accusations of making mistakes. Nothing is ever her fault. It never was, so a much worse attitude now. She lives to start an argument. It is really hard for me to keep quiet. If I do keep quiet, she gets very snippy and vicious, putting words in my mouth and mocking me. This is so hard. Suggestions welcome!
When she gets abusive, don't engage, don't get angry. Just leave.
She cannot control your behavior if you don't let her. You exercise control by ending the visit, pleasantly. "Oops, mom, gotta go now".
You mentioned your Mom has always tried to control you but it is now magnified. If you can get Mom to her primary doctor, have them test for a urinary tract infection... such an infection can make an elder very difficult to deal with. It's worth looking into.
I suppose you could step back, but I think I would first observe her household and see just how bad the situation is. I might check her food and see if there is spoiled items, bills piled up, dirty laundry, medications being taken, etc. If she's declining, she may not be able to function in the home. That can make people lash out, be confused, etc. Ask other family members to come with you, so they can see too. You might talk to her neighbors and see if they have noticed odd behavior.
Depending on what you find, you might send letter to her doctor so he gets the full story. That will help him in knowing what to look for when he sees her. When the patient give inaccurate info to the doctor and there is no one to correct her, she may seem fine to him.
If you continue to volunteer for her abuse - and I know that sounds harsh, but it is what you're doing - then one of two things will happen. Either you will end up like a little toasted marshmallow from accepting her treatment, in which case you will enable her resistance to the higher level care she needs; or you will finally break, and you will end up out-and-out hating her, and you will feel terrible about that forever.
It feels as though your mother needs you because your brothers' care is of the arms-length type. Well, your mother does need help. But it doesn't have to come from you. Let someone do it whom she can't victimise. Let your brothers handle it, and recruit any additional help they need.
If you can shake off this sense of obligation, you will free up enough head-space to be able to interact with her again and still take care of yourself by establishing healthier emotional boundaries. But as long as you're in the middle of it, you're too buffeted by her to be able to think straight.