Any suggestions for dealing with the "self-appointed martyr" in our family?
My beloved aunt and uncle (aged 90 and 92) are more like adoptive parents to both my husband and to me. They both have multiple very serious medical conditions and are both rapidly declining in their physical health. My uncle is also severely clinically depressed (I was a licensed mental health professional for 20+ years so I recognize all the symptoms.) They are still at home and refuse to have any paid help to come into their home, even though they could easily afford it. They are very comfortable financially. I try to do all that I can to be supportive of them but I live over 80 miles away and work full-time outside the home. The problem is that their son (in his late 60's) is endangering his own health by trying to do everything for them that they need. He doesn't live with them, but gets to their house at 5:30 a.m. three times per week to drive his mother to dialysis then picks her up and brings her home a few hours later. He does their grocery shopping and much of their cooking and cleaning (what gets done). He tries to take care of all of their car maintenance and home maintenance which is extensive. In addition to the 3 x a week dialysis treatments, the aunt and uncle both have frequent doctor appointments and either the son or the son's wife takes them to ALL of the appointments. My aunt and uncle are both appropriate for hospice care, but they refuse to consider it. They are both stubbornly determined to stay in their own home as long as they live (which they seem to think will be forever) and to depend on their son for all their needs. I do not think it is good for them to be staying in their home with no other adult. They are both very frail and fragile. I am very concerned for their safety and well-being, as well as for the son's, but all three (as well as their daughter) seem to think it is realistic for this arrangement to go on indefinitely. Several years ago my uncle had a serious car accident due to his age-related impairments, but he just replaced his totally demolished car and still drives. The son does not have the fortitude to take his dad's car keys away. He is totally dominated and manipulated by his parents and seems to be determined to ruin his own health to be the dutiful son. I have tactfully expressed my concerns to all of them and have essentially been told by all of them,to "Back off..." So I just do what I can to be supportive both emotionally and in practical ways - I go once or twice a month to visit and cook some of their favorite foods and clean the kitchen, which is always very much needing to be cleaned. I'm just very afraid that the son will eventually develop some serious stress-related illness and/or that there will be some serious crisis that will be exacerbated by their living alone...I say the Serenity Prayer a lot. Any other suggestions?
This son of theirs is no martyr. He is doing for his parents what they need done for them, probably because no one else is going to do it. He has the option of turning his back on them and seeing if they pay for the help they need (since they can afford it) or die for its lack. He doesn't want to carry the guilt that would come under option #2, so he is caring for his dying parents, building positive memories with them and escorting them to their transition. I did the same for my mother-in-law for ten years until she died in our family room, and I'm glad I did. Personally, I applaud his decision, and believe it will reward him for lifetimes to come. Since you are only in a position to watch, watch and applaud, or watch and criticize, please consider the serenity prayer and choose option #2. If you walked a mile in his shoes, you would see the difference between what he's doing and martyrdom. Good Luck. God Bless You.
Another suggestion: If you can find ways to support him, in a public way, that might be useful. For example, share your concerns with your aunt and uncle: "It would be more fair to George if you would get someone else to shop for the groceries; he is getting older and if he wears out, you will be up a creek. How can we help George help you better?" "I'm worried that you might have an accident and hurt someone else. As a mental health pro, I've seen people live with the guilt of causing an injury like that, and I don't want that for you."
Finally, maybe they can all hear that if they get a service involved, even on a once-every-other-week basis, so they establish a relationship now, there will be someone to call if "george" is sick (don't wanna get the parents sick too), so the parents still get some help when they need it.
It doesn't sound like George is a martyr -- just that he got sucked into a routine he can't get out of without help. That's my take, anyway.
I hope this helps. Good luck. They are ALL lucky to have you.
What bothers me most is the Uncle driving. He could kill and innocent person. Then they drag someone else into their drama. I would at least really try to see that the Uncle stops driving before he does hurt someone.
Someone has to step up the plate in each family and those who do are the decision makers, no one else, as long as the person is loved and well taken care of, thats what matters. Your Aunt and Uncle want to stay in their own home you mention, of course they do and they should stay there forever. They may accept help someday but why not, I sure wouldnt want to move out of my home, would anyone else? Thats completely normal and comforting for them, let them be, continue to love and visit them, and bite your tongue, this will be the best route for all. Good luck.
Continue what you are doing. Show your love in tangible ways. Try not to be critical of their choices.
If your cousin were to post on here and ask what he should do, I'm sure many of us would tell him to get some paid help for his parents and take more time for himself and his wife and family. But he hasn't posted here, and he hasn't asked you. So ........ keep repeating that serenity prayer like a mantra!
Minding your own beeswax is virtually impossible when people you care about unravel before your eyes. You've voiced your concerns, cooked/cleaned, and tried to be emotionally supportive.
Your aunt / uncle have made a decision to spend the rest of their days at home. Your cousin, apparently on self-destruct mode, intrigues me. What's his motive?
There are good, selfless people out there who do things out of love for others. There may be no other reason other than the parents need help and he wants to be there for them. I'm sure he gets tired, but he'll be the judge of how much he can do. I would just tell him that I'm glad he is there and to let me know when he needs help.
See All Answers