How to deal with outdated anger and put the past behind?

I think that you need to acknowledge the rage and you feel toward your mother for not protecting you from abuse. I don't know if you were abused by your father or you just had to witness his abuse of her, but she was a grown woman who excused his behaviour until the day he died, in fact by she is still excusing him after his death and trying to get you to do it too. Your therapists was probably right that you can never change her thinking at this point, but they were wrong not to offer you ways to deal with your own feelings. Maybe you need to find a different therapist with a focus on these issues.

Don't give up on therapy. As cwillie suggests, maybe you need a different therapist, or maybe you did to tell the current therapist what isn't working for you. But keep up the therapy.

Give AlAnon more time.

It sounds like how you've related to Mother is as her rescuer. And now she is no longer a victim and doesn't need a rescuer. Hmm. Where does that leave you? Can you forge a relationship of equal adults? You have very different views of past reality, so I doubt such a relationship could be based on your shared past. Can it be based on your shared present?

I live with my 91 year old Mother who is sweet but lives in la-la land, partly for letting her husband, my father, be disrespectful and mean for as long as I can remember.. She could not stop him. No one could. She did at times try to stand up to him and protect us, but she could not. This father set my sister and myself up for the patterns of being abused by men most of our lives. When I finally stood up to my bullying husband he filed for divorce, married another patsy and broke my children's hearts.

Your Mother did the best she could. The only way I have found to deal with all of this and find peace is first, admit and face the hurt, pain, disrespect, abuse and total injustice of the whole situation. Your mother was wrong or too weak or whatever to stand up to him, and he was the way he was and no one could change him. Somehow when my father died, I was able to forgive more completely and found peace.

TO FIND PEACE YOU MUST FORGIVE TOTALLY. This takes time and effort and the decision to forgive over and over again. It is a choice, not a feeling. Some damage may remain, but forgiveness brings peace and true healing and allows you to move on. I still work on this, but the deep hurts of my father's behavior have healed. You must forgive your mother for being so weak and letting your father get away with all that he did, and you must forgive him for being so mean. When I forgave my mother, I stopped feeling manipulated. When you let someone make you angry it feels like they are manipulating you. Before I forgave, I felt horribly controlled and manipulated.

Alcoholics Anonymous says forgiveness is something you do for yourself, and if you do not, the resentment and bitterness will destroy you. You do not condone or excuse the behavior. With the help of your Higher Power, you forgive by an act of your will so that you can heal and move on.

You are not alone. But if you continue to relive the hurts and allow the resentment to fester, you will FEEL very much alone. I hope this helps. It is a sad truth that many of us on this planet were injured by others in many ways. That is life. Love and protect yourself be forgiving and letting it go. You owe it to yourself and those you love to move one. You can do this.

Yes, Forgiveness is important but not easy. If you are dealing with PTSD issues I recommend a therapy called EMDR. I happened upon it in my search for a therapist and am glad I did. It helped me get out of my own way. Take your power back and remember everyone is on their own journey. I know cliche, but true.

I was angry with my mother as she lived with me for over ten years...I was bitter, angry, resentful and I didnt like her. After she got to the point she could not be left alone anymore, I placed her in an assisted living memory care/personal care home. It helped me regain my love and emparhy toward her and gave me a new sense of purpose toward her and a few others I seem to have adopted there now. I feel much better.

I recommend a wonderful book, I Thought We'd Never Speak Again, by Laura Davis, who is also co-author of the book, Courage to Heal. It was the best book that I have ever read on dealing with such relationships and the topic of forgiveness (and it is not what most people think it is). I've been through similar situation with my own 80-y/o mother who had a brain aneurysm 25 years ago and has various disabilities and dementia resulting from this. My "father" was abusive to her and to me and my three younger siblings our entire lives. Finally, at the age of 70, she left him, after an argument in their kitchen when he accused my mother of having affair with his best friend and emphatically believed (now I believe he had dementia and psychiatric problems), that my brother and I were not his biological children!! We insisted on DNA testing, and low and behold, I found out that he was not, in fact, MY biological father (he was the biological father of my three brothers!). Apparently, my mother had a relationship with someone before she married the "father" who raised me, and they kept this secret for 51 years!! The "father" who raised me was an alcoholic, physically abusive, and sexually abusive! How did I deal with this: When I was 14, I told my mother what was happening, and he was arrested and court ordered at that time to counseling. My mother separated from him for a period of time, but then went back to him. My brothers and I begged her not to go back. My brothers and I suffered by her decision to return to him and continue living in a dysfunctional home. He made efforts to change, but he was still a very angry man who was unable to have a healthy relationship with anyone in his family (even extended family). After my mother suffered her brain aneurysm, he seemed to get better; devoted his time to caring for her; and I thought things had improved. His health was poor; but both of them refused any sort of help from professionals. They lived 3 hours away from my brothers and me, and finally, they moved closer so we could help take care of them. Then, when they were 70, they had this huge argument that resulted in my mother leaving him. She lived with me initially; then we got her settled in a senior apartment complex; then I moved, and she moved into my basement apartment and started attending an adult day program (I work full time). Meanwhile, my brother cared for his father for three more years until our mother ended up divorcing him, and he ended up in a nursing home and died in 2010 after having a stroke and heart problems. I did have communication with the "father" who raised me after my mother left him, and somehow, we gained some closure and peace with each other. My parents could have made other choices in their lives, and I have worked constantly to forgive both of them. I am grateful to know that the "father" who raised me is NOT my biological father, because there is no genetic hx of his "sins" passing to my two wonderful sons. My sons are also grateful that he is not their biological grandfather. It is hard for me at times because there were some positive traits this "father" who raised me had, and I am grateful for the good times we did have, but the painful story of our lives is still there. By the grace of God, I survived (and thrived) despite the abuse. I have worked hard to overcome the dysfunctional family that I was born to. BTW, I found the identity of my birth father through I contacted him but his wife was so upset by my call that he asked me not to contact him anymore. He wrote me an email afterward, and I have to accept this. It was interesting because his son had recently died, and his ashes arrived on the day that I called him. He has another son, and a daughter, who I have chosen not to contact at this time. Life throws us curve balls, and we either dodge them, or catch them and deal with it the best we can. Ultimately, the goal is to find peace.

I've had to deal with a rough childhood. I hated my father for what he did to me and my mother. I hated my mother for allowing this behavior to continue. I refused to forgive them for a long time. I didnt feel forgiveness in my heart. I had to learn that forgiveness is not a feeling. FORGIVENESS IS A DECISION. thats when i finally said to myself, "I forgive you." Saying that allowed me to let go of my anger and receive healing in my heart.
FORGIVING DOES NOT MEAN FORGETTING either. That just doesn't happen. But forgiveness allowed me to replace bad memories with good ones i thought I'd forgotten.
Forgiveness also doesnt mean we have to go back to things the way we were but to set boundaries where needed.
The most important thing is just to say the words of forgiveness to yourself. You dont have to share them with your mother until you are ready.
Good luck, God bless and I'll pray for you.

Try Codependents Anonymous rather than Alanon. If there are no meetings near you, there's a CoDA online presence. Good luck.

Some great advice here.

The only bit I can add is: you can't fight a negative thought. The more you fight it, the more you feed it, and the stronger it becomes. All you can do is replace it.

When you find yourself thinking something negative, train your mind to break away and think of something positive. That, I believe, is the meaning of "resist not evil" (from the Sermon on the Mount). In the material world, we must resist evil. But in the world of the mind, we can't resist evil. We must replace evil.

You might use something that can cue you to think of something positive, for example, a bracelet or picture. And you might predetermine what your positive thought oasis is, be it a mental picture, a peaceful scene, music, etc.

Our parents come from a different time. They went thru a depression and a war. Few women went to College. Women were brought up to marry and take care of husband, who was no. 1, and children. There was no, I need time to myself. They were what there husbands wanted them to be. Divorce was not an option for most because these women may never have held down jobs. You cannot compare their lives to how we live now. Your Mom did her best for that time. You need to let it go. You need to not bring up the past. Your Mom has apologized, in her way. I agree you may overthink everything. I do the same thing. What happened cannot be changed. You will never forget because something will happen and it will bring it all back. You need to forgive. You need to drop the subject. If she brings it up, tell her you understand and forgive her and that the subject is not going to be mentioned again. Maybe you need to find a group who discusses abuse. You may find out why the abused take it and see it from your Moms viewpoint. Therapy will do u no good if you can't let go. Money down the drain.

My mother was a totally nasty piece of work and treated me and my late father horribly. We spent a lifetime bowing, scraping, bending over backwards to please her and treading on eggshells. Growing up in these situations it's the norm as you don't know any different. When she passed last fall, alone as she had no friends, I felt nothing more than a huge sense of relief.

In looking back I see that she came from a totally dysfunctional family and was probably mentally ill life long. Back in the day mental illness wasn't even considered. It's like PTSD ... you never get over it but you learn to come to terms with it to whatever degree you can.

After she passed a lifetime of anger, resentment and hurtful memories that had been locked away inside came flooding back and I spent the winter quietly at home with my beloved dogs and country peace and quiet. .I still get the odd flashback but I'm feeling more at peace now. Spring is certainly helping, with an acre to care for, working outside planting veggies and now 25 baby chickens to care for.

So many here have been damaged by lifetime experiences, along with a lot of others in the population, and I don't think it ever goes away. All you can do is learn to come to terms with it. It just takes time. You are not alone.

Joann29 makes excellent points about the difference in marriages between our parents' and our times. The lack of a college education or work training, the freedom and confidence to be self sufficient through a career and job make such a difference that it's hard for us to comprehend.

Women of our parents' ages just didn't have choices that we do. They didn't have the mass media, probably didn't have support groups or even knowledge by tv doctors and tv therapists advising what "should" be a normal relationship.

Even if they did go to college, their options were limited.

So they learned to compromise and adapt to situations that many of us would not tolerate.

Segue your feelings toward your mother toward sympathy; imagine how trapped she must have felt and be more kind to her in her old age; she's probably had a rough life. You have no idea how she really felt, or what she might have done to protect her children from your father.

When the subjects get thorny, change them to something more pleasant. And remember that your mother's in her last years; you don't want to be plagued with regret and recrimination after she's gone because you couldn't get past the issues that are troubling for you now.

I notice with my 89 yr old aunt that she returns over and over again to the story of how her dad abused her mother. This abuse had a profound affect on my aunts life. The thing I would comment on is that the problem doesn't go away no matter what your age or if the other parties are alive or dead. It's like another addiction to the thoughts and feelings and memories that you nurse to keep them alive. They are familiar and almost a comfort to you because you've gone to them to seemingly survive when in reality these thoughts are toxic. So my point is keep working on it. Don't give up. It's worth it. You are worth it. Happy Mothers Day to you and your mom. A big hug for you and your mom and your husband.

You either have to let the past go, or it will eat you alive! Having her constantly in your house is a constant reminder, and your constant bickering will probably eventually drive a wedge between you and your husband. Find a way to get her out of your house so you and your husband have a chance at happiness. Your husband's "gritting his teeth" for what is going on in your house will probably cause him health issues. Death is a real possibility. Do something about this situation ASAP or you might not outlive your mother.

Today is Mothers Day. In honor of the occassion I decided to finally read this thread. Regarding my mother - I've been trying to "get over it" for quite some time now - thought maybe I'd find the magic solution here. Nope. There is another current thread regarding Mothers Day. That thread says instead of dwelling on the negitive think about...X, Y and Z and gives a list of typical Hallmark moments - the band-aid, learning to sew, etc. I decided not to post there cause I didn't want to rain on anyone's parade. See, the thing is - of the given list, and yes, I realize they are just suggested examples - I do not have a good memory of a single one - not one! So now when things are beyond difficult, dealing with my demented mother, I struggle to find a single memory of a loving moment to draw upon. I realize there must be some, has to be, right? What I can remember is a self-absorbed, mean, manipulative mother who started throwing me under the bus when I was around four years old - that's when my memories start. Over 50 years nothing has changed except for her to become even meaner and more self-absorbed - the manipulations are more transparent as dementia has seriously impacted her skill at it. Mom cant see she's lost her edge in this - or any - area but just keeps trying. This past October mom said some things to me that were beyond cruel. The dementia again, I suspect - keeping her from realizing she was going to far. And yes, I realize the dementia is partially to blame - but since this isn't really new behavior for my mom, she doesn't get to use that as her hall pass. Whether it was this new level of cruelty, maybe it was five years of looking after her, maybe it was my own mood that day - but this time it was different. It was like some one had thrown a bucket of water on me in slow motion. As I felt the water slowly trickle down me, it was literally followed by a tingling sensation sealing off every receptor I had in regards to my mother. I think she finally managed to kill any love, caring and concern I had for her. So now as I prepare to go visit my mother on Mothers Day, I feel nothing. Its like I'm going to visit a stranger - a person I've been assigned to visit on this day as a good deed. Other times when I visit - I still go once or twice a week - she will be asleep, these are my favorite visits, cause I can pretend she's a lovely, frail, old lady capable of caring for me. I'll look at her and wish things could have been different. I wish I could "get over it" and forgive her. But I can't. "Happy Mothers Day!

I went through some similar actions in my own growing up family. It helped me to have a relationship with GOD, who helps us learn to forgive. I also have, for most of my adult life, had the belief that MOST human beings are doing the best they can do at the moment, given their own life experiences. I do not believe that most of us get up in the morning and concretely say to ourselves that we are going out into the world today, to make decisions that ruin other people's lives. We all come into new relationships with lots of baggage from other relationships over the years. We learn how to act in a marriage and in parenthood, mostly based on what we saw and experienced in our own childhood homes. We do not get an official education in relationships and parenthood etc. I learned that somewhere in the Bible it does teach that sinful acts in families are repeated down through three generations and I think, just because of this way we 'learn' how to act and be. IF we see the problem in front of our faces, we need to take the bull by the horns and do what we can do to break the cycle by going through the forgiveness....letting it go...and then role modeling differently to those who come after us! As another said here, the cultural history is important....as far as female roles, lack of education and the views on divorce. Women just were not able to take the same actions back then as they have been able to do in our adulthood years. So, the key is forgiveness, understanding and learning to Get Over It, as the Eagles old song goes. No, you don't forget. Yes, you can look at your upbringing and family and try to understand...but in the end...it is YOU who must do the changing for the good of all those who come after you. Break that cycle. It is what is is....nothing will change what happened. you can only change how you continue to react to it.

I firmly believe that this "abuse" be it verbal or physical is in the DNA of the abuser. I am hearing more and more stories of (almost always men) who are abusing their wife and then I hear "just like his father before him". This strikes a cord because I was verbally abused for 50 years and yes his father did the same thing to his mother.
Forgive? I try but the only thing that works is to think the most pleasant thoughts I can come up with or to stay busy with things I enjoy

The comments about "their generation lived in another time, divorce was not an option, college was not an option, media were not as pervasive" are rationalizations. PLENTY of women in history -- yes, even in the "Leave It to Beaver" era -- left bad relationships, divorce or no, because they understood that bad parental relationships was TERRIBLE role modeling for their children, both male & female. It took especial courage to do this in eras when the easy, popular "wisdom" (not) recommended that women, especially, stay in relationships because "a man without a woman is half a man, but a woman without a man is no one at all," but look around your neighborhood and even your own family history, and you'll see that women did it LOTS.
It is entirely rational and fair for the writer of this post to feel angry with her mother for the mother's putting her own security before her children's emotional and perhaps even spiritual welfare. Yes, there may have been mitigating circumstances, but we're talking about the daughter her -- she is right to be angry. Telling her to "forgive" or to think happy thoughts will not really help; her mother is not asking for forgiveness, and replacement thoughts seem a lot like avoidance behavior.
And yet, and yet. 97yroldmom and Ferris1 seem to me to be right. Mom's attitudes worked for her, got her through, and she's not ever going to change them. For her to face the truth now would benefit no one: the daughter can't have the happier childhood denied her, and the mother's time left on earth would not be improved by grieving the issues of the past.
Sometimes it is a comfort to believe that in heaven, all of us will understand the consequences of our behaviors and be sorry -- and understand the ramifications of our choices for other people. Understanding = compassion. She may not be the mother you wish for in this life, but she will be in the next -- and in the next life you will be the daughter she wishes for, too. It will all be made right, and we will all, finally, rejoice together in love. I believe this with all my heart. If I didn't, I might not make it through the day.

I can't say it any better than all the previous posts have said. She will never even be able to acknowledge her short changes as a parent. She is ALWAYS right in her mind and belittling you makes her feel better about her narcissistic self.
My mom passed away 1 1/2 years ago from lung cancer at 86. My sister had not spoken to her in 20 years, mom had few friends so it was my "duty" to see her through to the end. I somehow managed to care for her with kindness even as she was hurling nastiness my way every minute of everyday. One day while we were at a doctors appt I just asked her "why is it that through 60 years of bickering you never ONCE picked up the phone or come over to try to resolve any discord between us?" Her answer was "I don't know how". I still don't know what that meant. Probably meant she always thought she was the one wronged. She died. I rejoiced. No future torment could touch me. At least I knew that I had done my best at the end of her life. There was no conversation of past events. No I love you exchanges.
Just when I thought I was free I cleaned out her house and discovered that she had destroyed all photographs of me. No record of my life at any age while there were hundreds of photos of my sister who hadn't spoken to her in 20 years. She was still reaching beyond her grave to get one last dig in.
I know I have to forgive her at some point but I'm not there yet. I pray that day will come. She had obviously erased my existence from her life so I did the same in return. I have thrown away any photograph of her. I do not stay in touch with anyone that would remind me of her. I retained none of the items in her hell hole that was once my childhood home. No keepsakes. No reminders. I will never go to the cemetery where her body is and where my dad is who never stood up for his children while they were being abused by his wife. I have made some headway in not replaying those tapes in my head of the nasty and life changing things she put me through for 60 years.
The previous post I read was talking about how things will be when we are all in heaven. I pray everyday that when I get to heaven she will not be part of my after life. She claimed to be a Christian yet her actions were never Christian like. I often wonder if she made it to heaven. If she did she must have been in purgatory for quite sometime. There is no way she didn't have to face all the pain she caused those she was supposed to loved unconditionally. Good riddance to the mother with the empty eyes and empty soul. You are not missed on this Mother's Day. Good riddance.

My only additional point is acceptance. I had a dear friend whose husband cheated on her. She knew it had happened, but sort of couldn't even accept the reality of it. "How could he have done it?" Sorry, but he DID do it. Her pain was almost unbearable, even to me.

You know that you were abused and mistreated as no one deserves to be. I wonder if your next step needs to be accepting, over and over again, that your mother doesn't love you, maybe never did love you and will never love you. You have every right in the world to be angry, given the way you were treated. I'm suggesting accepting that the past has happened, and it's over. It can never be changed. It's as if you had lost a leg. It will always be an impediment in some way.

But it doesn't have to control your life. You DESERVE to be free of anger as often as you can manage it. Don't resist your anger, but don't invite it to stay. Think the thoughts, and say, "That's true, but I don't have to think about it now. Hey! I could go clean a toilet! That would be more fun than being angry like this!"

You deserve to have serenity. Your anger doesn't hurt her. It only hurts you. Be good to yourself. Pat yourself on the back every day for not punching her. Love yourself and come back and feel our love and understanding.

As you said, "Seeing her without him now, my struggle with ANGER....is a constant, unwelcome guest.", Doingmybest, have you really acknowledged the anger? Did you ever stand up to him while he was alive? If not, it's time to do that.
Make a list of all the ways you were hurt by your father.
Take a drive alone in your car to a remote place and read the list.
Let your feelings come to the surface then, with the windows closed, SCREAM at your father for all the rotten things that he's done. Pour your heart out IN your anger and feel it leave you. You most likely will also start to cry, for the injustice you felt. Let him have it.
Drive home after you've calmed down and feel drained.
You and your mother have been wronged and you never will forget that. But, now that you've gotten your anger OUT at your father, and set the record straight with him, you will be on the road to forgiveness. It has to be in this order because you can't forgive when you're angry.
I had to do this with my alcoholic father (while he was still alive but as an old sick man) to be able to take care of him. I pretended he was a patient of mine instead of the man that screwed up my childhood. It made being with him more tolerable.
Anger is a "cancer" that eats YOU. Be free from it, then find ways to forgive your dad. If you have faith in God, pray for Him to help you with forgiving your dad, as He has forgiven us for our wrongdoings.
By the way, do you know how YOUR dad was raised? Maybe he was a victim of the same aggression by a jackass father too. History repeats itself.
I wish you well on your journey and will be praying for you.

My Aunt was a devout Methodist. She said one time that we will not know each other in heaven. I think what she meant we won't know each other as husband and wife or mother daughter. We will know each other by souls. At least I hope so. Don't want to see the ex.

Joann29
I sure hope you are right!!!! For now I am going to adopt your theory. I keep hoping a woman who became my "adoptive" mother until she died will be the mother I see in heaven. You've given me hope and made me chuckle. Thanks for the levity.

So sorry for your distress, texriner1. I sort of feel the same way, I wanted nothing, nothing at all from my mother's house. Also, she threw every. single. picture. from before she got MARRIED up until the last few years, into a huge box in the cellar. Half were eaten by mice. All our baby albums, snapshots, school portraits, vacation photos - all piled up in there, hundreds and hundreds. Weird, huh? .... And when she went into her decline, she wrote hilarious notes every day to her very favorite child (who is now an obese severely mentally ill old man who ruined her life for years), dozens of loving little notes. And here *I* was running around taking care of her, even though she didn't like me and went years without talking to me. All I can do is shake my head and laugh, really! I was all butthurt for a while, but then I realize how fortunate I've been in my life, and I am not either of THEM. YET, lol!

Meditation. You can start with just 10 minutes a day.

I remember a saying that "keeping a grudge is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your brain". Remembering this has helped me when I need it.

I grew up with a mother who was constantly angry at us and at my dad for having moved out and on with his life. I was a very unhappy child. When she passed away 15 years ago, I wept for her not having had a 'happy' life and choosing the path she had, but I found it in my heart to forgive her, for not knowing better and or not having the courage to let go and move on herself. She was stuck. There are many women in those situations to this day in 2016 and with so much self-help information available, who would guess, but we do not know their fear or insecurities. We are not here to judge, but we have choice in how we want to live out our journey in this lifetime. I felt torn between my parents and hated it and it made me choose to be a better mother. Choose that for yourself, and know that you can change the dynamics in your home for the better and not ditto your mom's past pattern. You now know you were not responsible for her behaviour or response to her situation. She may be embarrassed to acknowledge it. You cannot change the past, but you can choose to make your home a happy one starting today. Let it go. Good luck.

I love how with each of these reply seems to benefit from the previous one! I hope that the chain continues! My heart goes out to each of us.

The ONLY thing that ever helped me with letting go of past wrongs was this quote:

Holding on to anger/resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Angel

don't know if I will be of much help, but maybe get an old stuffed animal, pretend its your father and go into a separate room and tell it off, smack it around or however you need to let out your anger. OR get in contact with office of aging or elder attorney and find a way to get your mother on Medicaid and into a place where you can visit and then leave when you need to. She might also enjoy being around others to do different things. I agree, this could put a wedge in between you and hubby. And you and his health are going to pay the price........a heart attack, a stroke........THEN WHO is going to take care of her. wishing you well and luck.