My oldest sister is POA and has taken over the schedule for companions for my Mom. Now that we are moving to the stage where these companions need to be health care providers, she will not release the reins and is superceding my role as health care representative. She says she is too busy to update the family. I have time and am very good at communicating updates. I want to bring in a geriatric manager and arrange respite for my brother who lives with my mother. My sister, who has a very strained relationship with my brother is not allowing me to help resolve these issues.
I don't know the financial situation, but you should take a survey of costs of the Memory Care facilities in your area---be prepared for shock, these places typically are about $8,000/month. It may be needed at some time, but for sure, your Mom deserves to have her assets pay for her care, NOT for a possible skimming by the POA.
Also---people can be evicted from memory care facilities (I have a friend who is on their 3rd facility for their parent.....). Better to keep your mom at home as long as possible. And don't "get her name on a list" because that only helps keep the facility full---it doesn't help your mom, WHEN your mom needs it.
What does your brother think? What does he say about what support he needs?
Is there any way you can get the two of them round a kitchen table with a flip chart on it showing "MOTHER" at the centre, surrounding by the key questions like: day to day care; managing finances; medical and nursing care needs; advocacy; etc. and get them to concentrate on the aims? Probably not, I know it's not that easy. And even if you did it wouldn't take much for them to start throwing things, sigh…
You could write to the pair of them giving a factual account of the negative impacts their attitudes and behaviour have already had on your mother. Keep emotions and emotive terms out of it as far as humanly possible. It's possible that being confronted with the reality of the effect their failure to co-operate is having will pull them up short, you never know. I just ended a wrangle with my financial POA sister saying I didn't care how we did it, but we need a better system because the fact is, the way things are, mother isn't being bought items she could really do with - got the cheque this morning, hasn't solved the system issue but it's a start.
And in your case the fact is that your mother needs skilled care and isn't getting it; needs non-exhausted constant attendance and isn't getting it; needs proper maintenance of her living environment and it isn't being done; your sister is duty-bound to communicate with her siblings and isn't doing it; you're duty-bound to supervise her health care and you can't do it; you're all required to co-operate in caring for your mother and it isn't happening. Your tone can sound as pissed-off as you like, but try not to sound tearful or accusatory - you're aiming for "unimpressed." I wouldn't at this stage be overt about your (justified) concerns for your brother's wellbeing because that's not going to get your sister's vote, and if she is dismissive he'll resent it, and you'll end up back at Square One. Whereas if you can just get more collaboration going on, he'll necessarily benefit and you'll have got the desired result by default.
Maybe that's the message for both of them - that you really don't care how you all three go about it, but you've all got to do better because it isn't working "so let's TALK please." Might get the ball rolling? Very difficult, and extremely tiresome too, actually - don't think "funny" is the word I'd use! Best of luck.