Dad won't let the caregiver help. I think I'm about to lose my mind. Any advice?
Dad is 87, with pancreatic cancer. He is very weak and wobbly and has a lot of pain. He and mom have a live in caretaker who cooks and cleans and helps mom, who has cognitive issues. I work full time, after work I food shop for them and come over and sort their meds and check in and do all their finances.
The problem is dad. He won't let Tammy, their live in companion, help with anything. He makes my 80 year old mother help him with showering, he won't eat anything tammy cooks (claims he just isn't hungry), won't let her bring him a walker or put his socks on or help in the bathroom, nothing. She's a wonderful woman, and more than willing to do any and all care, and we pay her 1k a week. Every night I come over and it's chaos- Dad is in some kind of crisis, etc. I pull into the driveway with a sense of complete dread. They all basically run to the door upset and barrage me with the days domestic catastropes and I can barely get in the door with the groceries. Dad kind of just lies in bed and won't get up or eat. He starts chemo Monday. Any advice would be so appreciated- I think I'm about to lose my mind.
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And poor you!
What would happen if you could not longer stop by daily? Like, if you came down with the flu?
Is staying in their home really the best thing for your parents right now? How is dad going to get to chemo? Is he going to allow the CG to drive him?
Would your parents be better served, even short term, in a nice Assisted Living facility? Have you looked into that?
Our only regret is we didn't have the skills as adult children to deal with my fathers health and mental well being. In other words we try to do what a professional does day in and day out. He's gone now but he lived his last few years in comfort and pain free. Good luck!!
xo
You are at the point to enjoy the time with your parents.
I’m not sure where you live, most grocery stores deliver.
Learn to be assertive with both of your parents because it's not Tammy's job to get in the middle of your parents' interpersonal marriage dynamic.
When you say "we pay her 1k a week" is that your money, your parents' money, or both? If it's only your parents' money then they are her employers, which puts both you and Tammy in an awkward position.
Do you have durable power of attorney? Are you authorized legally to make decisions for your parents? If so, then assert your authority, draw up a task list, create a schedule for Tammy including time off, post it on the fridge, and enforce it. If you and your mother come running each and every time your dad throws a hissy fit over Tammy then he doesn't need to accept Tammy as his caregiver.
Besides her husband has pancreatic cancer that is 100% fatal. Did you even read this post before your unkind, unfair opinion?
xo
Has his cognition been examined? If he's in crisis every day why? If his wife and a caretaker are not able to manage his care, I'd ask for an assessment. His wife may just have to insist that the aid be used, since she is not able to perform these tasks. Eventually, he will have to accept it.
I think your dad must be very scared, pancreatic cancer is always terminal and we all know that. Doctors will use us as guinea pigs if we allow them. I had a friend that was 42 and only got 6 weeks after chemotherapy and they had no quality, he was just sick and weak, so much more so then before they pumped him full of poison. Something to consider.
Men of his generation don't usually say I'm scared, they say, i don't need that, grrr, I'm not eating that grrr. Know what I mean? He may not feel comfortable with another woman seeing him in his birthday suit. That is not uncommon, especially with the wife right there. Your mom might not understand if she is dealing with her own cognitive issues.
I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Hugs!
xo
You have heard about Sundowner's? Try reading about it here on the forum.
Enter it into the search bar.
Maybe all 3 of them are having Sundowner's?
Get Dad checked out for a UTI (urinary tract infection).
That's all I've got. Except anyone capable enough to go for help here on AC, enter their question, is not about to lose their mind, imo. You are about to find some friends to help you; friends who identify with and support you.
So sorry to hear of Dad's serious diagnosis.
xo
thank you.
My 96 year old dad just died last week, after 3 months on Hospice care, probably of cancer. There was severe pain, nausea, vomiting, constipation, chest congestion, difficulty breathing, hallucinations, and various other distresses that arose that required bedside attention and a level of medication that could not be provided on an out-patient basis. He was bed-bound for the last two months, as your father will eventually be. Toward the end it will probably take two people to be able to safely reposition him in his bed or change a soiled disposable undergarment because the person becomes too weak to move themselves in the bed to assist. Your mom would have to be able to do that with your current aide or dad might need to be in a different care setting.
Hospice will support your dad with medication management and pharmacy home delivery, nurses, doctors, aides for bed baths, a social worker for the situation, and probably grief counseling for you and your mom when the time comes. Medicare pays for all of this to be provided in his home or any other appropriate setting. Hospice works with many different kinds of care providers and can help you arrange a placement if necessary. I had my dad in a Board & Care at the end. It was a very nice, private home with five other residents and two caregivers on duty during the day and one during the night. He had his own room and bath and I was able to bring his furniture and familiar things. Family members were able to spend as much time as they wanted during the day. I was thankful for the extra help at the end and blessed to have so many people around me providing support and friendship.
Your dad has lived a long, full life and exceeded his life expectancy. That is something to be thankful for and a reason in and of itself to honor his life with the gentlest passing you can provide. I think chemo would will be of little benefit and could actually hasten his death because of his age and fragility. I hope you'll reconsider and focus on providing the maximum end-of-life support instead. He's going to need it with, or without, chemo because death by cancer is difficult.
Sending strength and hugs.
thank you again.
The addition of hospice to the ‘care team’ of you, your mom, and the care aide may be just what’s needed.
Also, it sound like you really trust Tammy. Have you considered cutting back on your visits to let her establish her role without your dad using you as sounding board and ally for coping with the vulnerability and pain he’s feeling.
He definitely “doesn’t know what’s good for him,” but is grappling with the loss of control by exercising whatever irrational control he can. Take a break a few days a week and see how it goes.
A male aid to come in a few times a week to get your father a shower would be an excellent idea. More money but it gets the job done. And remind your father it is costing more money because he is being resistant to Tammy's help.
Stop enabling them. Do not stop by every night after work. You need a life too. Start cutting down the visits. They have an 'illusion of independence' because you are the one running around keeping all the balls in the air.
Everyone needs to get out of the mind set that they have to make their parent happy every moment of the day and that the parent gets exactly what they want. The rest of the world doesn't work that way. You just need to get the job done.