My mom is 75 and, up until very recently, perfectly competent and healthy (she takes blood pressure med only). My stepfather passed away in early March - while we planned for the funeral in late March to allow for travel (my sister and I live 1500 miles away), COVID lockdowns took hold and the funeral was postponed.
We postponed until early May so we would be there for Mother's Day as well - of course lockdown hadn't changed by then and my mom's doctor advised us not to travel cross country to hang out with my mom and possibly exposing ourselves and/or her. As it turned out, the cemetery wouldn't allow anybody to actually go to the internment - she had to watch from a car on the side of the road. No joke.
Clearly a horrible set of circumstances and my sister and I have been taking shifts talking to her multiple times daily for hours at a time. As of this month, I have logged an average of 4 hours/day. We certainly understood due to lockdown and being recently widowed there was a lot to help her with and just keep her company however we could. Everything she needs (groceries, household items, personal care items) is delivered. My sister handles provisioning - I handle paperwork. So I've been the point person for tying up my stepfathers affairs and getting my mom set up.
Up until my stepdad passed, my mom was driving 40 miles round trip to spend the days with him (he was recovering from a stroke) every day. She was there from 9a-6/7pm every. single. day for 18 months. By all accounts a capable person.
Now, it seems she is overwhelmed by everything. She is being very disrespectful of the boundaries we set for her ("mom, we're done for today but I'll talk to you tomorrow") and will call with "urgent" issues that need to be dealt with "right now" based on her misreading something that comes in the mail. She calls 40 minutes later to ask the same Q.
She and my stepdad moved across country 5 years ago to join my husband and myself in a place they loved. My husband and I had to return to our business - something we warned them was possible prior to their move. Nevertheless, they were really happy there though they missed us. My mom has no desire to move near me (COLD!) or my sister (HUMID!) yet she hates being alone & without family around.
Recently, she's started telling my sister things like she can't find a document and that I must have moved it or taken it with me. I'm 1500 miles away! She asks me if I want something to drink when we're on the phone. She asks me when we're saying goodbye if I'm coming back over.
She's always been wound pretty tight and is a major control freak but her inability/lack of desire to take care of certain things (mountains of paperwork) seem to have made her feel vulnerable/paranoid. Not of me (though clearly I do everything wrong), but of everyone we're working with (who have been great in my view). She misreads a bank statement and sees the interest earned, mistakes it as her balance, and thinks that someone has cleaned out her bank account. On and on. Call after call. Text after text.
Her anxiety seems to be off the charts though she will deny, deny, deny. She is very much an extrovert and lives off compliments like they're meals. My sister and I are both much more introverted so it's maybe more of a challenge for us to understand how isolation impacts her.
I'm trying to be compassionate, understanding and helpful but I'm starting to feel like the unpaid assistant of a Hollywood hotshot who rings a bell every time they have a thought. I think even assistants to stars get a day off and a swag bag now and again, no? I am also concerned about this blurry view she seems to have of reality re: my being there when we're on the phone and 1500 miles apart.
Is it possible for someone who was perfectly self-sufficient 4 months ago to suddenly be so confused about so much? And the paranoia...lack of comprehension re:finances (she's set for life barring the purchase of Lamborghinis)...what gives?
Of course it's horrendous for you and your sister too, but try not to lose sight of your mother's being the primary victim of this horrible, grotesque set of circumstances.
If she lived near me, I'd suggest you contact her local social services and see what they've set up in the way of crisis care/support/befriending for "shielded" elders in these exciting times - I know we have a range of hastily cobbled-together volunteer networks as well as rapid response and welfare services. Would it be worth spending a bit of time on her county's website and seeing what's there?
[btw the money worries are a "hook" for her acute anxiety - *everything* is combining to make her feel anxious, but those are a concrete reason she can get hold of to make sense of how fearful and disoriented she feels.]
I don't really see this as about me other than the fact that I'm concerned and perplexed by what appears to be such a dramatic shift in capabilities.
Of course, I get frustrated and scared about what's going on with her but my primary function has been to help her as much as I can on a practical level and to keep her company as best I can on an emotional level. (FaceTime during meals as an example)
You are, of course, right. Spot on. She built her life around my stepdad and now he's gone. Granted, the last 18 months she's been coming home to an empty house in the evenings. The difference is she came home exhausted and with a husband to return to the next day.
My sister and I have been encouraging to spend time with the ladies in her development and she has been mostly reluctant because she wants to "get through this paperwork/filing of documents". We did organize a surprise dinner date for her on what would have been her anniversary - having her closest friend show up for a meal we had delivered. We have talked to her about what she likes and what she might want to do to bring her fulfillment (and human interaction) going forward.
We have suggested volunteering at the VA (where my stepdad was for the last 18 months of his life) after this COVID stuff is less of an issue. We have suggested (and looked for) ladies lunch groups who maybe meet for lunch 1x/month, ladies who play cards, etc.
Because my mom's life was so centered on my stepdad, we need to help her rediscover her interests. At the moment, she seems to have none. I asked her what she likes/interests her...I got crickets. I don't think this is a depression thing re:her answer but a person who is out of touch with herself after years of massive co-dependency. (Example; my sister and I have never had lunch alone with our mom unless our stepdad - who we adored - was in the hospital or we met her near her office when they were both working)
She doesn't read, watch tv/movies, like technology - she is an extrovert down to her toes.
Your comment about lack of purpose/structure resonates x1000.
So incredibly insightful re: the "hook" and her anxiety. This makes so much sense. I'm so grateful for the input I've received on this board. TY so very much!
Depending on the outcome of any spy visits (or lack thereof) I'm with vegaslady that you should get yourself some PPE and go spend at least a week with her to get things sorted out and under control. If she's not eating and is in danger of driving off and getting lost or vulnerable to abuse by someone, this will just need to happen, soon. I say stay at least a week because you may need to have weekdays there for doctor, legal, social services appointments.
Does your mom have all her legal paperwork in order? Do you know who is her PoAs for medical and financial? If it's you and sister you will need to bring your original paperwork with you on that visit. You will need it if you go to her bank, for example.
You have enough on your plates right now but I just want to console you that many have traveled this path with their LOs. Your mom may just have a UTI or some other "treatable" issue. The most important things right now are for you and sister to
- make sure you know who is her PoA
- get an accurate assessment of her capabilities going forward
- get all her sensitive information protected
- have work on a plan for her care that works for everyone (i,e, probably not long-distance caregiving...sorry. This means she will need to move close to one of you eventually whether she's on board with this or not). I don't recommend she live with you but that's a future discussion.
Try to remember your mom can't help how she is acting. Try to not agitate her by correcting her, chiding her for getting info wrong, etc. Just be a "yes" person to keep her calm. Employ the "therapeutic fib" tool where you tell her white lies in order to end long conversations (gotta hang up mom, the repairman is here). Don't answer every call. It won't be easy to interact with her as a different person than her old self, but it will be necessary. I wish you much success in getting things in place to help her. May you receive peace in your hearts no matter what the outcome.
I'm not good at not answering the phone. I worry the call I don't answer is the call she will really need me to answer.
re: POA my sister and I will share POA duties. The three of us (mom, sister, myself) have worked with an attorney to put together a comprehensive package re: medical & financial POA, will, advance directives, trust, etc. The signing is expected to be next week. We met with an attorney on conference call and mom was perfectly capable of stating what she wanted to see happen.
As I've been helping her with all of the paperwork re; my stepdad's affairs and getting her set up, I do have all of her sensitive info and monitor all of her accounts/bills online. So I know that the check for association dues has been written and has cleared the bank, for instance. I'm a small business owner so documents and bills are second nature for me and not a big deal for me to do this for her.
I also set up her phone for her so both my sister and I can track her on "findmyfriends" on the iphone. She knows this and likes that we "follow" her if she is going some place out of the ordinary. She tends to stay in her orbit 99% of the time.
We do have the contact information for one of her closer friends (she has a small circle - she didn't spend much time fostering relationships outside of her marriage) and we had arranged a small surprise for mom on what would have been her anniversary last month. We called the neighbor to see if she was available to show up at mom's and we had a dinner delivered. I think she would be more than willing to help us out by sharing observations. TY for this tip!
My sister will be going there soon for a month - she will be staying at my house there (which is 7 miles from my mom's place) and will be able to ascertain what's going on.
Thank you so much for your kind & informative reply. There is much to think on here but I do feel a little relief in knowing we are on the right track re; several items that you mentioned.
My mom ended up in the hospital, severe dehydration and sever urinary tract infection that was affecting her kidneys. I thought she has a stroke or something. Her behavior was identical to what you have described.
Please get her checked to make sure that she hasn't let herself go to the point of being so sick. I had to call 911 and have an ambulance transport her to the ER for her to get treated. She refused to see a doctor as she was fine, not.
Best of luck getting her treated without the ambulance ride.
My sister will be going there soon for about a month to suss things out. Should we try to get Mom to go Immediately?