Caregivers often say they're burned-out and stressed. I understand the struggle. I'm one of them. But I'm wondering what precisely do caregivers think are the main stressors. Of course, taking care of an ailing loved one can be very difficult, but I came to learn that the depressing factor of seeing your family member struggle is not the direct cause of stress. What do you think are the actual stressors for caregivers??
For me, the major stressor was the uncertainty of the situation; never knowing when the next emergency was going to arise and yet knowing that it would be something that I would be completely unknowlegable about and that would require me to drop everything that I was doing, drive 90 minutes to where she was and try to manage whatever crisis had presented itself, googling symptoms and possible diagnoses as I drove and talking to docs and family members until I arrived.
Fortunately, I have a brother and sister in law who were only a couple of minutes away from where mom was, but I was the one who had a modicum of medical knowledge and was needed on site. It was unnerving.
I feel like a never truly relaxed for 6 years. And that, as I say, was not even doing the actual caregiving.
The unrelenting sameness of every week with no end in sight
The constant questioning whether I was doing the right thing and the deep remorse when I knew I'd handled something badly
The incredible stress of feeling totally at sea without any references to guide me and knowing that I had the final say but I didn't know what the hell I was doing
The gradual loss of the relationship you once had
The unrelenting neediness
The grief and anger that anyone should come to this in their final years
2. Watching your loved one decline in front of you, and you know there's nothing you can do about it.
3. Losing your friends, because they just don't understand.
4. Having to now make all the decisions, and having to be the mouth for not only yourself, but your loved one as well.
5. Living the same day over and over.(like the movie Groundhog Day)
6. Having to answer the same questions over and over all day.
7. Not being able to leave your house for any length of time, for some me time.
8. Dealing with incompetent Hospice nurses, who aren't trained to deal with a patient who doesn't die quickly.
9. The anticipatory grief that we as caregivers deal with daily.
10. The anger that ensues from all of the above.
Spending too much time with mother made me physically and emotionally sick. So many bad backstories and such--we had 6 kids in our family, 4 of us are on antidepressants. One is dead, and he was completely crazy, in the clinical sense.
I have not seen mother for close to 3 months and I have no plans to see her in the near future. She doesn't call and doesn't answer the phone if I do call.
When I realized that spending 4 hours with her, cleaning or something, I would inevitably come home in tears with a raging headache. My therapist has helped me to know that I do not OWE her anything. Just the simply respect due to my parent.
She does not miss me at all. Not one iota.
I think of my 2 kids who live out of state and due to COVID we won't see them this year. My heart ACHES to be able to be with them--and here is my mother, 2 miles away who wouldn't pick up the phone to call me last year when I fought cancer for 8 months. NOT ONE CALL.
Even though she is my mother--I do not feel as if she is my 'mother'. I'm sure a lot of posters will understand this emotion. I'm just self preserving.
1. Knowing that whatever decision you make is going to be the wrong one.
2. Never making the elder happy. Nothing is ever enough.
3. Always in fire drill mode. When is the next emergency?
4. Worried you will be pulled away from work, important event, vacation for some emergency.
5. Finding out the emergency you dropped everything for was not in fact an emergency.
6. Worrying they will out live their money.
7. Fixing the same problem over and over
8. Feeling stressed & resentful with all the extra work having them over for a holiday but feeling guilty if you don't have them over.
9. Every holiday or event revolves around their special needs or preferences.
10. Worried you will have to do something that makes you uncomfortable...like bathroom duty.
11. Realizing that even if you are not a hands on caregiver you still think about their needs every day...and that they will never realize/appreciate how much work and effort you put in to make sure they are cared for.
12. Feeling bad that you don't want to be around them.
13. The never ending neediness.
14. How they try to manipulate you to get what they want.
15. Realizing that they sometimes play helpless to create more work for you...and that others never seem to see that.
16. Overall lack of appreciation.
17. Criticism by others who have no idea what they are talking about.
18. Middle of the night phone calls to tell you they fell.
My father passed last month and I thought I would feel relief that he was no longer suffering and I was no longer stressed but that did not happen. Just writing out this list and realizing that I don't have to got to exhausting efforts to make sure my father could be here for the holidays ...I could feel a weight lifted off of me.