I apologize for the long post, but I'm at a loss on how to proceed.
I recently moved across the country to start a family with my partner after a year of long distance. He is wonderful in every way, however his mother lives with us as she is considered disabled. She is extremely abusive/controlling and blames her disability when we try to set boundaries or address her behavior. She's independent enough to care for herself, clean and use power tools for yardwork despite our objections.
She has been this way her whole life prior to any disability according to my partner, and we're unsure what her actual diagnosis is. She called him after decades of no contact saying he was now responsible for taking care of her, and without any other living family he felt he had no choice. She receives state assistance but not enough to live off, and she's independent enough to have her own bank accounts so there is no guardianship or POA. When she came to live with him, her paid-off home he grew up in was being foreclosed and her car was repossessed to help pay off tens of thousands in spending debt she had racked up, her 401k was gone. The rest my partner paid off himself.
There is an extremely unhealthy dynamic of guilt and abuse involved, and she does not hide her dislike for me. When I first moved up and joined the household, I tried to connect with her through shopping trips, coffee dates, shared interest of gardening and crafts, etc. but when I started my career and couldn’t take her out or spend money on her she changed completely.
For example, she recently screamed at us over him not texting her back to communicate what our dinner plans were (partner and I tried to deescalate as we are renting and have neighbors, but she is inconsolable and only escalates further). He and I both work full time 50+ hours per week and pay all the bills/groceries, and he works a high stress job at a hospital in the OR. He's not even able to take a break most days, so her expectations are completely unreasonable and controlling. She also will take his car without permission even though her license has been expired for 5+ years, and there's no telling her no without a huge outburst.
He used to shut down when she explodes but has been doing more to try and "greyrock" while setting healthy boundaries, and he's becoming more aware of her abuse for what it is. Nobody else was ever around to witness it - he is an only child and she's single, so it's been easier on him to just concede to her behavior to avoid conflict. He feels responsible for her behavior and constantly apologizes to me for it. As someone who had an abusive father, I've been gently trying to reinforce that he's not responsible for her behavior nor is it his fault, and he deserves a peaceful home.
I tried to set a boundary that we would not continue any conversations if she continued yelling and being aggressive (she will bang on our bedroom door until we answer her). She called me manipulative, narcissistic, smug, sarcastic, and a b***h repeatedly, and then threatened to slap me across the face. Her next words were that she "knew exactly how to take care of the problem" in reference to me, which is terrifying.
I don't know her well enough to know what she might do as I've only been living with her for 3 months. I told her as calmly as I could that I would not tolerate threats of violence and if she did it again, I would report her to authorities, and we would find other options for her housing. It feels extreme on my part, but I don't know what else to do as it's not the first time. I don't feel safe having my cat around her, let alone any future children. My partner and I dread going home and feel trapped and drained. We don't make enough combined to support a second lease.
I love my partner and do not want to leave; we both deserve happiness and a future together. Despite her abusive behavior I do care about her health and wellbeing. What can we do?
You say you moved cross country to live with this gentleman with the intention of starting a family. I wonder if you STILL intend to/hope to bring children into this mess? It shatters me to think that you might do such a thing to innocents.
You say that you love him and don't intend to leave. You say you care about this abusive woman despite her viciousness, despite the fact you only recently met.
That kind of says it all.
You knew going in that this was a very unhealthy dynamic. People usually don't change. It is unlikely this will become more healthy over time. I imagine you know that love is not a cure-all for life's problems.
I hope you will consider pre marital counseling. I wish you well. But the decisions you have made so far are beyond my imagining.
I am unlikely to be able to make suggestions for you, and I find it difficult to sympathize with what you have done, in all truth.
I hope others can help, and will leave your thread to their wisdom. I wish you well.
Your partner was his mother’s lifeline. Where in the world would she be without him?
He has invested tons of time, energy and money into a doomed relationship. I use the word ‘relationship’ very loosely because it appears that she is only interested in using him.
The same applies to you. She proved that she had no intention of establishing a genuine relationship with you. She dropped you like a hot potato as soon as she didn’t get what she wanted.
She uses power tools with a disability and steals her son’s car. Oh please, if your partner wishes to continue riding on this emotional roller coaster, let him. Wish him well and cut your losses.
You deserve better. You don’t have to stick around to see where this nightmare ends.
If by chance, he decides to ditch his mom and have a life with you, then he can look you up. If you aren’t involved in another relationship by then, maybe you can reconnect if his mom (in name only) is no longer in the picture. If you are already in a new relationship, he may have missed his chance, oh well…
I believe there’s a financial reason OP hasn’t left. It’s the n.1 reason people don’t leave abusive situations. They can’t afford to live somewhere else.
She's nuts and you are choosing to stay there. Change your mind about that now and do the therapy later to figure out why.
He needs help to disentangle his life from hers. This is not a good footing on which to start a marriage, much less a family.
If I had a verbally abusive parent towards my husband, I would never put him in that situation. I’d do everything to keep him physically away from the abuse.
Think about it this way OP, wouldn’t you also keep your partner physically away, if the tables were turned? Wouldn’t you feel guilty, or an accomplice in the abuse, if you just let your hypothetically-abusive-mom abuse your partner? You’d separate the two people physically.
Maybe OP, you can’t afford to have your own home. So the deal is, he gives you a roof over your head, and you’re stuck with an abusive MIL.
If you had lots of money, you’d probably rent a place and safely live there. You can still have the relationship. But you’d be free of abuse.
It’s very often a financial reason why someone is stuck getting abused.
If you have money, the solution is simple: rent your own place, free from abuse. Live there alone.
You and your boyfriend need counseling to extract yourselves from this crazy woman. If he doesn't agree to it, then you go or do one of those online therapists (Betterhelp.com) to get some guidance. It may be to your best interest to leave, but don't leave a job until you have another one lined up, signed the papers and gotten a first paycheck.
These are truly wise words. It’s only when someone’s back is up against the wall and they are faced with having to make the really important decisions that we find out what they are made of.
So far, he is flunking the test he has been given. He isn’t protecting her or his relationship with her.
Just be aware that: living with an abuser (MIL), you’ll just get more and more abused. She’ll never stop. After the first sign of disrespect towards you, she’ll just do more and more; every year worse. She wants you to break down. She wants to torture you. That’s what abusers do. They know they’re cruel and THEY DON’T CARE.
Do not start a family until she is out of the picture. This women has a mental illness that you can't fix. Your boundries are yours but she will try to step over them.
Its going to be hard but you need to get her out of the home. Or you get out of the home and tell her she is not moving with you. She will need to find a place of her own. I would move, then call APS, on a phone that will not be traced back to you, tell them there is a vulnerable woman living at that address. Maybe pay a months rent and utilities. That gives her and APS time to find her help. There are HUD apartments that charge rent by scale. With the help of APS, she can be set up for food stamps and other resources.
How old is she? Does she get Social Security Disability? If not, what is the money she gets from the State? Supplemental income? (SSI)