I apologize for the long post, but I'm at a loss on how to proceed.
I recently moved across the country to start a family with my partner after a year of long distance. He is wonderful in every way, however his mother lives with us as she is considered disabled. She is extremely abusive/controlling and blames her disability when we try to set boundaries or address her behavior. She's independent enough to care for herself, clean and use power tools for yardwork despite our objections.
She has been this way her whole life prior to any disability according to my partner, and we're unsure what her actual diagnosis is. She called him after decades of no contact saying he was now responsible for taking care of her, and without any other living family he felt he had no choice. She receives state assistance but not enough to live off, and she's independent enough to have her own bank accounts so there is no guardianship or POA. When she came to live with him, her paid-off home he grew up in was being foreclosed and her car was repossessed to help pay off tens of thousands in spending debt she had racked up, her 401k was gone. The rest my partner paid off himself.
There is an extremely unhealthy dynamic of guilt and abuse involved, and she does not hide her dislike for me. When I first moved up and joined the household, I tried to connect with her through shopping trips, coffee dates, shared interest of gardening and crafts, etc. but when I started my career and couldn’t take her out or spend money on her she changed completely.
For example, she recently screamed at us over him not texting her back to communicate what our dinner plans were (partner and I tried to deescalate as we are renting and have neighbors, but she is inconsolable and only escalates further). He and I both work full time 50+ hours per week and pay all the bills/groceries, and he works a high stress job at a hospital in the OR. He's not even able to take a break most days, so her expectations are completely unreasonable and controlling. She also will take his car without permission even though her license has been expired for 5+ years, and there's no telling her no without a huge outburst.
He used to shut down when she explodes but has been doing more to try and "greyrock" while setting healthy boundaries, and he's becoming more aware of her abuse for what it is. Nobody else was ever around to witness it - he is an only child and she's single, so it's been easier on him to just concede to her behavior to avoid conflict. He feels responsible for her behavior and constantly apologizes to me for it. As someone who had an abusive father, I've been gently trying to reinforce that he's not responsible for her behavior nor is it his fault, and he deserves a peaceful home.
I tried to set a boundary that we would not continue any conversations if she continued yelling and being aggressive (she will bang on our bedroom door until we answer her). She called me manipulative, narcissistic, smug, sarcastic, and a b***h repeatedly, and then threatened to slap me across the face. Her next words were that she "knew exactly how to take care of the problem" in reference to me, which is terrifying.
I don't know her well enough to know what she might do as I've only been living with her for 3 months. I told her as calmly as I could that I would not tolerate threats of violence and if she did it again, I would report her to authorities, and we would find other options for her housing. It feels extreme on my part, but I don't know what else to do as it's not the first time. I don't feel safe having my cat around her, let alone any future children. My partner and I dread going home and feel trapped and drained. We don't make enough combined to support a second lease.
I love my partner and do not want to leave; we both deserve happiness and a future together. Despite her abusive behavior I do care about her health and wellbeing. What can we do?
Do not start a family until she is out of the picture. This women has a mental illness that you can't fix. Your boundries are yours but she will try to step over them.
Its going to be hard but you need to get her out of the home. Or you get out of the home and tell her she is not moving with you. She will need to find a place of her own. I would move, then call APS, on a phone that will not be traced back to you, tell them there is a vulnerable woman living at that address. Maybe pay a months rent and utilities. That gives her and APS time to find her help. There are HUD apartments that charge rent by scale. With the help of APS, she can be set up for food stamps and other resources.
How old is she? Does she get Social Security Disability? If not, what is the money she gets from the State? Supplemental income? (SSI)
Just be aware that: living with an abuser (MIL), you’ll just get more and more abused. She’ll never stop. After the first sign of disrespect towards you, she’ll just do more and more; every year worse. She wants you to break down. She wants to torture you. That’s what abusers do. They know they’re cruel and THEY DON’T CARE.
These are truly wise words. It’s only when someone’s back is up against the wall and they are faced with having to make the really important decisions that we find out what they are made of.
So far, he is flunking the test he has been given. He isn’t protecting her or his relationship with her.
If I had a verbally abusive parent towards my husband, I would never put him in that situation. I’d do everything to keep him physically away from the abuse.
Think about it this way OP, wouldn’t you also keep your partner physically away, if the tables were turned? Wouldn’t you feel guilty, or an accomplice in the abuse, if you just let your hypothetically-abusive-mom abuse your partner? You’d separate the two people physically.
Maybe OP, you can’t afford to have your own home. So the deal is, he gives you a roof over your head, and you’re stuck with an abusive MIL.
If you had lots of money, you’d probably rent a place and safely live there. You can still have the relationship. But you’d be free of abuse.
It’s very often a financial reason why someone is stuck getting abused.
If you have money, the solution is simple: rent your own place, free from abuse. Live there alone.
You and your boyfriend need counseling to extract yourselves from this crazy woman. If he doesn't agree to it, then you go or do one of those online therapists (Betterhelp.com) to get some guidance. It may be to your best interest to leave, but don't leave a job until you have another one lined up, signed the papers and gotten a first paycheck.
He needs help to disentangle his life from hers. This is not a good footing on which to start a marriage, much less a family.
She's nuts and you are choosing to stay there. Change your mind about that now and do the therapy later to figure out why.
I believe there’s a financial reason OP hasn’t left. It’s the n.1 reason people don’t leave abusive situations. They can’t afford to live somewhere else.
Your partner was his mother’s lifeline. Where in the world would she be without him?
He has invested tons of time, energy and money into a doomed relationship. I use the word ‘relationship’ very loosely because it appears that she is only interested in using him.
The same applies to you. She proved that she had no intention of establishing a genuine relationship with you. She dropped you like a hot potato as soon as she didn’t get what she wanted.
She uses power tools with a disability and steals her son’s car. Oh please, if your partner wishes to continue riding on this emotional roller coaster, let him. Wish him well and cut your losses.
You deserve better. You don’t have to stick around to see where this nightmare ends.
If by chance, he decides to ditch his mom and have a life with you, then he can look you up. If you aren’t involved in another relationship by then, maybe you can reconnect if his mom (in name only) is no longer in the picture. If you are already in a new relationship, he may have missed his chance, oh well…
You say you moved cross country to live with this gentleman with the intention of starting a family. I wonder if you STILL intend to/hope to bring children into this mess? It shatters me to think that you might do such a thing to innocents.
You say that you love him and don't intend to leave. You say you care about this abusive woman despite her viciousness, despite the fact you only recently met.
That kind of says it all.
You knew going in that this was a very unhealthy dynamic. People usually don't change. It is unlikely this will become more healthy over time. I imagine you know that love is not a cure-all for life's problems.
I hope you will consider pre marital counseling. I wish you well. But the decisions you have made so far are beyond my imagining.
I am unlikely to be able to make suggestions for you, and I find it difficult to sympathize with what you have done, in all truth.
I hope others can help, and will leave your thread to their wisdom. I wish you well.
Read up.
I can’t believe he paid off some of her debts. That was a supremely bad choice on his part.
Give your bf an ultimatum: it's me or mom, you can't have both. Mom is psychologically unhinged, obviously, which he should realize working in the OR of a hospital. He can help her find affordable housing or a roommate to share expenses with.
Good luck to you.
Please look at this situation in a different context. Right now you are focusing on your partner’s mother. Everyone knows that she is nuts. No need to go into the details of her behavior again.
I want you to start thinking about your partner. His behavior has giant red flags written all over it.
You have not been able to convince him of what he is doing. Hopefully, at some point in time he will seek out professional guidance. As for now, the outlook is bleak.
There really isn’t any reason to believe that your partner will come around to thinking about your idea of what is best for your future.
When my grandmother married my grandfather, it was customary for a young couple to live with family members until they could afford a home of their own. My grandfather’s family were mean to my grandmother.
My grandmother told my grandfather, “I don’t want to live with them anymore!” My grandfather said, “Well, we have to save more money before we can move out on our own.”
Grandma said, “No! I won’t live here with your family any longer!” Grandpa said, “I am not going to lose you because of my family but we will have to buy a smaller home.” Grandma said, “That’s fine with me.”
My grandparents were married nearly 60 years. Grandma spoke up. Grandpa loved her enough not to allow her to suffer!
Speak up now! If your partner blows you off. Leave him and don’t look back. This is the message that I taught my daughters. No one should ever be another person’s doormat.
Wishing you all the best in life. If this guy doesn’t work out for you, it will hurt for awhile. Mourn the loss and move on. Don’t allow despair to keep you from believing that you won’t find love again.
We had fallen in love, he knew that in spite of his mother’s wishes (demands harangues assaults threats……..etc) he DID NOT want to be a priest, would not have been a good or sincere priest and wanted to be a married man with a family.
We made our plans, married and bought a house in the same community as his mother’s (but not safe walking distance).
There was NEVER any question in my mind or HIS concerning the role of his mother or my role, in his life.
My MIL also leveled horrifying threats against me. I didn’t take them seriously. I saw her as a pathetic figure, never trusted her for a second, encouraged my very young children to love her and treat her with respect and good manners, but had she lived long enough I would have been honest about her shortcomings and let them know in simple terms that she’d been “difficult” with me. She actually died when they were only 3 and 5, so that problem never arose.
I love my husband even more today than I did when we were first married. From my experience, your husband appears to be unready to enter a committed marriage with you. If you choose to do so you can inform him that you need a full and freely offered commitment and see how he reacts.
If he hedges, it’s probably in your best interest to leave now. Tragic for you both, but the why should you see yourself as second to the woman who runs his life.
Best hopes for you as you proceed.
It’s so sad that the OP and her partner are starting out their lives with a miserable mother horning in on everything!
This won’t end well for the OP if she stays or if her partner doesn’t choose her.
Young couples don’t need to start out with a mom on board. It’s hard enough if it happens later on in life.
He wants to be the good son. It won't happen. He will destroy himself trying.
He had no business paying her debt. His focus should be on your lives together. She's taken over and you are already second place. When she called he should have said he'd find her a place to live, nothing more.
Mother needs to be out of the home. And your partner needs therapy to understand why he is letting this horrible woman ruin his life and relationship.
Oh, and if she crashes his car, guess who will be liable? YOU. She doesn't believe you when you tell her she'll be out of there if she is abusive. And it sounds like your partner won't kick her out.
Mother is not and shouldn't be your problem (or his). It's obviously not working out. If he refuses to get Mother out of the house, then you need to go. If and when she is removed from the home, then you and your cat can return.
Do not let your cat around this crazy, evil woman. I'm dead serious. She sounds like someone mean enough to abuse or kill it. It's not safe for either of you.
Ask yourself where are you going to be in 10-20 years, when perhaps some of this lovely feelings of new relationships fade.
It is terrible situation to be in, horrible how much abuse you take, even terrifying, or how you feel drained, trapped already.
Perhaps asking people on this forum is not the only option, I think having therapy alone will help you sort out some issues.
You have known her 3 months. How long have you known him? Was he honest with you about his mom before you moved in?
Having children with someone who is genetically connected with mental illness is like playing Russian Roulette with your life and those of innocent children. There will always be emergencies and drama.
What does she do with her money? If she is not on meds is she self medicating with alcohol or drugs?
Able bodied people who need medication to function and aren’t taking it can be very dangerous. They don’t always have self governing guidelines. You may have already seen some of that.
Here is a link to Mental Health in Montana.
https://dphhs.mt.gov/assets/BHDD/AdultMHGeneralDocs/Montanamentalhealthcenters.pdf
As for the boyfriend, if he loves you as he should, meaning unconditionally, he’ll want to be with you, not mom. How he accomplishes that should be up to him.
Check the lease and make sure you’re not responsible for any part of the rent if the two of them decide to remain there. Good luck to you (and the cat).
1) Remove M’s car keys. It is illegal for her to drive without a licence. If she has an accident, it is clear that she is driving the car with the knowledge of both you and her son. If she cannot pay the costs of the accident or court case, you may end up with liability. If she blows up and makes threats, call the police and explain. You and your partner are letting her break the law because she shouts at you? Oh come now!
2) What’s with this ‘considered disabled’? If she has been diagnosed, there is probably a social worker involved. Contact them for details. If there is no diagnosis, ignore the claim that she is disabled.
3) You and partner should not be “paying all the bills/groceries”. She should pay a third of the lease and other overheads, and her share of food expenses. If she can’t/ won’t pay, you should insist on access to her bank account. This is ridiculous.
4) You and partner are not responsible for finding her other accommodation, and certainly not for subsidising it. Apart from ‘age related decline’, it sounds as though there is nothing much wrong with her. She needs to find her own accommodation.
5) If you can’t get her to move out, cancel the lease as soon as you can, and you and partner move elsewhere. Just move yourselves out and leave her behnd. You can of course go on your own, but there is no reason to break up this relationship just for her.
You and partner are being ‘nice’ and are aiming for co-operation from her. It isn’t working. You and partner need to forget the ‘nice’ and stand up for your own rights. If partner won’t do it, you personally are better off out of it.
I may be guessing wrong, but you sound quite young. Partner has been conditioned to give in, and you don’t want to put too much pressure on him. If your own family relationships are OK, perhaps it might be possible to call for re-enforcements from a relation – they should be appalled by this!
If this all sounds ‘too hard’ see if you can find a therapist who can help you see what you need to do to protect your own rights and own lives.
I don’t think they’re leasing the home. I think the house belongs to OP’s partner. There’s no way the house belongs to OP, because then OP would have kicked MIL out a long time ago.
I think the house doesn’t belong to OP; this is why OP has no say about who lives there.
I also think that OP’s partner might have intentionally started a relationship with OP, so that he can dump some of the troubles with mom on OP.
I also think that OP is getting something out of this, otherwise OP would have left this abusive situation a long time ago. I think what OP gets is a roof over her head. In fact, OP might have agreed to starting a relationship because this way she has a roof over her head.
OP, my advice is:
become financially independent, and stay physically away from abusive people; don’t live with an abusive person.
This abusive situation will get worse and worse. MIL’s PLAN IS TO TRY TO KICK YOU OUT, BREAK YOU DOWN.
If it’s OP partner’s house and if he wants his mom to be able to live there, he has every right to do so. Then OP, you’re the person who suddenly entered the picture, in the hope of kicking MIL out.
How long have you known him? You moved to live with him after a year, correct? So this is a (relatively) new relationship?
Are you planning on marriage before or after starting a family? Is marriage even in the picture at all?
You are both children of abuse -- for your BF, it's his mother, and for you your father. Neither of you know what a healthy family life is like.
Why would you want to stay in the current situation? Your BF has shown you that he will not kick his mother out. If he'd been a caring BF, he would have kicked her out BEFORE you relocated. If you are both working 50+ hours a week, it's a lot easier to just let things go. I bet that's what is happening with him.
Question -- if he works in the OR, does he do overnight shifts? How much time are you alone at home with BF's mother?
Honestly, I don't see much of a future for your relationship with your BF. You are not going to be the one to change his dysfunctional relationship with his mother. Give it one last shot -- give him the ultimatum of either she moves out or you will. And then follow through and move out if he won't put you first.
It must be for financial reasons. She gets a roof over her head. She gets something out of this, too.
Your boyfriend needs to get his mother out of his place and he doesn't need to pay a dime for her rent. Start proceedings on getting her out of the home immediately by filing a petition with the court to have her removed. Next, file a restraining order against her harassment and threats. Find somewhere else to live if all else fails. If push comes to shove, you and your boyfriend can move, and she will be on her own.
Her health sounds fine to me. If she can raise all this he-double toothpicks, she can use that energy to get help for her living conditions. This is a very unsafe and toxic situation.
Son explicitly wants his mom to live in the house. OP is allowed to live in the house - but as a GUEST. OP is a guest. If the boyfriend breaks up with OP, she’ll have to find another home.
I think OP doesn’t want to be broken up with; she needs a place to stay.
This abusive situation will get worse and worse. MIL’s PLAN IS TO TRY TO KICK YOU OUT, BREAK YOU DOWN.
“We don't make enough combined to support a second lease.”
If you wanted to leave the abuse, you would have done it. You don’t need to lease a 2nd house. You can rent one room somewhere, just to get out of the abuse.
You’re hoping to kick her out.
She’s hoping to kick you out.
Police will generally stay out of it, and just take the elderly person’s side because by default they’re considered more vulnerable: AND IT’S KIND OF TRUE: OP can easily (if she has money) go somewhere else. An elderly person can’t easily leave.
This is just like any other two roommates who don’t get along.
That false sense of obligation is what is driving this bus. You need to get off. If partner doesn't see that, you need to drive away.
If the boyfriend wants to pay mom’s expenses, that’s his right. We on the forum don’t have a right to say how he should spend his money.
I think the point is the following:
OP has lived in that house now only 3 months. She’s a guest, in the sense that she doesn’t own the house.
The two women don’t get along.
MIL wants to kick OP out.
OP wants to kick MIL out.
OP, I think you’ll lose this. It’s even possible your boyfriend is a good guy, nice son. He’ll never dump his mom in the streets.
OP, I think you’ll continue living there, hoping he’ll kick out his mom.
You tell his mother she has 30 days to vacate the property. If she does not do so she will be evicted legally through the court.
Make it very plain to him that you come first and that's final. Unless his mother is out of your house in 30 days you will go. Is the property also in your name? If it's all in the boyfriend's name you don't have a leg to stand on and should just go.
I know it will be hard because you love him and I really hope it doesn't come to that. If chooses mommy before you, you'll be better off getting out before the two of you marry and start bring children into the picture. That will only complicate things more.
You can help find an apartment for his mother. There are low-income options. She can live in a studio or efficiency apartment. She can rent a room and be a boarder in someone else's house. There are choices.
NONE of the choices include you or him spending one cent of your money to pay a rent for his mother or to financially support her.
You set the clock today for 30 days and she's out.
One more thing. If she EVER threatens to slap you in the face again, tell her to go ahead.
Here's how you handle that situation.
You call 911 the second her hand hits your face and have her arrested for assault and battery. You can get a restraining order and she will have no choice but to vacate your property for 90 days. You should be calling the police if she makes any kind of threat towards you or your property.
If she's having a tantrum call the police and an ambulance and tell them that you fear that she will hurt herself or you because she is threatening to. Maybe even encourage her a bit, instigate so she'll start up. Then you record with your phone and show it to the cops. She will get taken to the hospital and kept for at least a 72 hour psych hold. A few days there will likely reduce the behavior she's gotten away with for so long.
The goal is to get her out of your house. These are the ways to get things rolling.
You keep that number (30 days) in your mind. Let nothing short of an act of God stop you from getting her out of your home.
She may be able to intimidate your him with her threats and senior-brat behavior, but she will not intimidate you. Stay strong.
Also, they’re not married. She has no rights.
Also, OP is getting something out of this, otherwise she wouldn’t live in this abusive situation. She’s getting a roof over her head.