Caregiving grandson trying to deal with a grandmother who drinks excessively. Any advice?
Does anyone have similar situations?
Where to begin...
My oldest son, a single father raising 4 kids, is now a live-in caregiver for grandpa and grandma. That is the short version, the extended version has too many back and side stories.
He and grandma have been not getting along because she drinks so much. (78yo 4' 10" tall 90lbs and drinks 1.5 plus liters daily)
She knows she is an alcoholic and will even state so but will also proclaim her love for her wine.
Her blood platelets hover around 20 (150 is considered low BTW)
kidney disease, congestive heart failure cirrhosis of the liver. The doctors have told her the drinking is the root cause of her medical issues.
Grandma argues with anyone that looks her direction once she has had that 3rd tall pour of her 1.5-liter white zin.
every night right after she's gone to bed we've begun pouring 90% of what is left in her bottle into a different bottle leaving the chilled one in the same place and then transferring it to a different refrigerator out of her sight. She gets up throughout the night wanting refills She just thinks she has drank all her wine for the night.
This trick has helped keep her from blackout drinking and falling anymore.
If she didn't drink she could help care for her husband. But she chooses the bottle and it is literally killing her.
Does anyone have similar situations?
Grandma is not long for this world with cirrhosis of the liver ALONE at play. She knows that; she's made her decision and it's her 'love of wine' over her love of family that's won. Which is nothing new for an alcoholic.
Why is your son living in such conditions and exposing his children to such a thing?? As a father, his first priority is his children, not his grandparents. They are YOUR problem entirely. Move out of the RV and into the house to do hands on care for both of them. I get a feeling that your son needs housing and that's why he's living there and 'caring for grandma & grandpa'.....if that's the case, he needs to buck up and get a job & a place of his own and get his kids safely situated out of this home. Or else he may face CPS showing up at his door one day wanting to take his children away from him! If the kids are telling other kids at school about how grandma drinks wine all day & night, don't be too surprised to get a knock on the door from CPS.
Your son & his 4 children would be better off living in your RV and have you moving in with your parents than anything, for the present moment. At least until he can get them situated in a real home of their own.
I grew up in a toxic environment where my grandmother lived with us and she was 'at odds ALL THE TIME' with my mother. I grew up in misery with a chronic stomach ache and chronic anxiety as a result. I moved out at 17 into a very abusive situation just to get OUT of that house. Don't allow your grandchildren to be exposed to what's going on in your parent's home. It will kill their soul off, bit by bit, and leave them not liking their dad OR their grandfather who allowed this situation to on for way too long. Trust me on that.
It seems the family is focused on Grandma who drinks.
Please widen the view.
Look at all the other people and CHILDREN in this picture.
Grandson may be well-intentioned - but helping can cross over to enabling. I think it has.
Is anyone attending Al-Anon?
About Me
Husband, I traveled with my wife for her job until recently.
I now stay in TX to help care for my mother and stepfather. My oldest son (single father) and his 4 children had to move in to give 24hr care for great-grandpa.
My mother (grandmother and great-grandmother)
Who has lived in a totally separate part of the house is very demanding and always grumpy with everyone when I am not nearby.
She drinks a lot and is in serious decline.
Stepfather is in-home hospice and declining rapidly. He is well cared for as my oldest jumps to his every need or want. Including bathing, cleaning, changing, and cooking for him.
I just recently made life changes to be able to stay here at the house also (in an RV) to care for my mother as she and the grandson are at odds ALL THE TIME. She gives no assistance in caring for her husband at all. (this is main reason why the grandson moved in)
First and foremost like already stated many times, innocent children do not deserve to have to live in such a toxic environment. The damage being done to them by having to witness this dysfunction can be irreversible. And why are you as there grandfather allowing them to?
I'm sure there's more to the story than you've shared, but really there can't be a good enough excuse to think this living situation is ok.
Your son doesn't deserve this either, and should know better than to put his precious children through this.
You all need to go to Al-Anon, and quit enabling your mother. The main concern here besides the children should be grandpa as he is under hospice care and if not for your son otherwise being neglected. My heart breaks for him to have to spend his final days in such a toxic environment.
It probably would be better if he could be placed in a nursing facility, where at least he would be looked after in peace. And you can always apply for Medicaid for him if need be.
My first husband was an alcoholic(recovering now)and my children were 5 and 7 when I divorced him. I refused to allow my children to have to continue to witness the dysfunction and toxicity that went along with living with an alcoholic.
So I know what I'm talking about and witnessed first hand the damage that can be done to innocent lives if you're not careful.
Please get those children out of that horrible living situation and your son as well. They all deserve so much better. And get your step father out of there as well, so he can die in peace.
And as far as your mother, well.... she's made her bed and you all need to let her lie in it. If she dies in it, oh well, as she will have done that to herself. That will be on her and no one else.
I hope and pray that now that you're seeing how strangers looking in from the outside see this dysfunctional situation, that you will take the necessary steps to make things better for all involved.(except your mother as she will more than likely never change)
I agree that it probably seemed a good idea that son move in at the time. Probably put a roof over his and his childrens heads. I am glad other options were found. You do realize that Moms health conditions will not get better. Alcohol has already done its damage. Depending on how bad she is, you may need to call Hospice in for her too.