There is just too long of a history to list, however, on a shorter note, my dad had a stroke about 4 years ago, and mom has had a lifetime of severe anxiety and fear, that left her in a bad spot since dad's stroke. Her issues affected dad where she refused Alzheimer's treatment when he was diagnosed 2 years ago, and she began isolating, taking the phone off the hook 95% of the time, locking everything up, and in addition to her fears gone extreme starving herself. Sadly, I had no clue about how severe, although I knew more so than others. Did I mention I'm an only child?
Anyway, what I'm curious about is how do we as caregivers take care of ourselves? I don't know about anyone else, but I had to retain POA, financial burden, taking care of hospitalization, finding assisted living, taking care of bills, helping maintain their house, moving items, running their errands, doing banking, and so the list goes, OH then... its on to my life IF I have time.
So its easy to hear about paying attention to our physical needs, etc, but the stress levels can be immense. Its easy to hear the things that "need" to be done such as sleep, eat properly and so forth, but when there is so much on a person's plate (and that's with help), how does one take care of themselves? Shopping isn't possible, going to a movie can easily be interrupted by a phone call or message about something urgent. So what does a person do to escape?
Just curious. I know I can't even nap without a phone ringing for something. Thanks all!
Mitzi
I'm serious when I ask does anybody find that stillness or what do you do specifically to take care of yourself? I read one woman has gotten tired of just escaping to Walmart and I understand how hard it is to grab even a dinner out. So has anyone found anything to "relax"?
Just out of curiosity I want to ask some questions. How long have you been a caregiver? Do you have any additional assistance where you can call on family and such? Do you take care of financial, any additional real estate from your parent(s), take care of any legal, etc? Do you work in addition to maintaining your own family? What about taking care of your health? Have you yourself had any medical issues? Did you always have a good relationship with your mother?
Thank you for your honesty. I definitely appreciate your insight! :)
Unfortunately, when my father had a stroke 4 years ago due to a surgery that drained blood from his brain, my mother was such a severe control freak that she hindered his healing. She did not allow him to re-train other parts of his brain.
In this lack of non-acceptance of her life change, she withdrew, she wouldn't treat him, and she began starving herself and my father. She tried getting me to quit my job to come watch her, and she tried additional manipulation tactics to get that to happen. In the last 9 months she has been hospitalized three times (two out of three due to attention seeking). Mom got herself down to 74 lbs (being only 5' 3" tall) and dad was so bored and wouldn't interact with me at all.
I ended up having to move both of them into assisted living, but boy was that a miracle in itself the way it happened. Fortunately as well they had the finances to do it. The caregivers are top notch and I can call at any time and they are just so willing to tell me all that's going on.
Back when I stayed with my father the second time mom was hospitalized, my mother had given no indication on just how bad he was. I found out during these past few months from my aunt, that two years ago dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and mom refused to treat dad due to her denial. Fortunately, God had placed perfect people in the perfect places to help and assist as need be. It was and still is emotionally draining and I'm so far behind in my daily tasks and so consumed that I just stare at the things to be done piling up all over my house.
I also deal with some "close" friends of theirs that are money grubbers and were "politely" stealing from my parents. In addition to dealing with that, trying to work, taking on this new responsibility with all their maintenance in addition to barely hanging on to what I need to do in my own home.
All while being insulted by my dear mother. Finding balance is something I am still trying to find.
I found I had to develop a thicker skin, and ignore the people who criticized me. That was a huge and difficult step, because I've spent my life as a people pleaser. But I knew what my parents needed and what I could do and could no longer do. The criticism from some lasted until my parent's deaths, and I'm sure much unspoken criticism was out there. So be it.
Your parents will take time to adjust and will take their down times out on you. Please learn to detach from that and don't accept guilt. When they know it doesn't work, they will work harder at developing a network and make friends and be much happier.
You are taking care of things the best way possible.
Carol
Well, many, many moons later, as in TODAY, I finally made the time to wash the three comforters and am so enjoying seeing them on the beds once more. Until today, it was "good enough" for me to just have clean sheets and a soft blanket on each bed. Not a matter of life and death? Then it can always wait until I am good and ready to tackle it. Whenever I finally tackle a chore that I have intentionally set aside due to its lack of urgency in the grand scheme of life, I really enjoy the chore simply because I am ready to get it done. For me, this little story represents taking as good care of myself as I do of my Mother. It's good enough for both of us to "come aside and rest...for the journey is too much for thee."
Sunshinecaregiver said it well with "Is it a matter of life and death?" Sometimes, perspective is everything.
Hang in everyone. The holidays present many challenges.
Carol