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If you can afford assisted living run do not walk to the best nearest place or begin the hunt now for a nice but affordable place. Save yourself. I have been the sole caregiver (I'm the last living relative}. for my 91 year-old demented mother for 7 years the last four of which began 24-7 caregiving. I am a shell of my former self and my financial, emotional, intellectual, social, physical, and professional life is in ashes. After years of searching, I finally found a really nice assisted living residence for my mother. She has been there for two months. I have been getting real uninterrupted sleep for the first time in four years. I am beginning to address my health issues that have developed during those four years. Mother suffered another stroke a few weeks ago and is in a rehabilitation facility. Hopefully she will be able to return to assisted living. Please don't let your concern for your mother destroy your life and this can happen. Place her in assisted living so you can continue to look after her and be her advocate. If you go down, you cannot continue to be there for her care. It is better to supervise others caring for her than to continue direct care, handling her business, managing her healthcare, setting up her social activities often to the neglect of your own life.
What about when mom is in good health? She really doesn't need caregivers. She is just not independent and lives with me. I sometimes start shaking when she starts acting like she can't do simple things like find her way in a small motel even though I had previously walked her down to the breakfast and coffee area. We were there because house was being repaired because of a water leak. I wanted her to feel like she can do things, but she just waits for me and I feel like I am on a short rope. It would be different if she really needed my help. As a child I had to push to get my independence. She did too many things for me including speaking for me. I place a high value on independence. I am going to therapy so that I can better deal with these issues.
bebeperkins, Just know, so many have walked that path! Think: facilities have 3 shifts per 24 hours to handle residents. You, do not. NO ONE could do it 24/7, even with your "generous" time off [yeah, right!], and NOT feel as you do! There is no real good way to grow a thicker skin...it's attitude and understanding--but that can still fall short, in the best of us. Forget about guilt--any who try to guilt you over this, are ignorant, and should be ignored...or else, let THEM take Mom into their home 24/7--with your blessings! Keep praying, humming, singing! That is a breath of sanity--hold onto it! Keep connections with friends and relatives as you can--and try to get out in the world--even if that, for now, is only online! Keeping connected with the world, is precious, necessary. Look into facilities that can take your Mom in; some are better than others. Check with your closest Area Agency on Aging, to see what help they might give you and your Mom. Ask Social workers how to best get Mom moved into a facility for care. Make sure she's been diagnosed as needing 24/7 care...Docs dislike writing that up, but without it, it's harder to move Mom into a facility. Doc needs to validate, in her chart, that "if she is left alone for even an hour, she could be a danger to herself or others", No matter the actual diagnosis, those words usually do it. She's probably got Medicare and Social Security. If she has no other funds, and still owns her house or has other assets, her assets may be forfeit to pay for facility care, before Welfare will help. Get help from the volunteer lawyers that make appointments via Area Agency on Aging, to get your ducks in a row, OK? You have been doing a great job. You are worthy of taking care of yourself!
I needed to read these comments at this time because I am dealing with these issues and decisions at this time. I have 4 sibs, but no day-to-day help. It's all me 24/7. I get 4hrs a week of "Me Time". I was also able to get Hospice services which gives me 5days of Respite every quarter. I am looking into nursing homes to place my mother. I am stressed, recentful toward my sibs at times, and let my mother mood swings get to me. I am trying to develop a "thicker skin" attitude. Because of the increased level of care Mother needs I think she needs more professional care. I feel that I am a caring, giving, and loving daughter but, I am not emotionally equipped to continue proving all the care she needs. Most of the time she doesn't realize that she is in her own house. My feelings sway back and forth form guilt(Am I giving up?) or relief(I need my life back. It's been almost three years since I retired and had to moved in with my mother (~9hrs away from my house). I am doing a lot of praying, humming, and singing.
hadenough It is most likely your Mom would have declined were she with you or in AL. Unfortunetly it is the circle of life. Çan't make a person NOT feel guilty but you shouldn't...you did what you truly thought was best and was best. Could you honestly handle your Mom during this declining state My doctor told me right off the bat that since my Mom was 90 "she will decline...be prepared for rough times"...I feel if she was still in AL I would be healthier and she would still be having the level of care that I just am not able to provide.
SuziQ62, Yeah, that is so true! Mom begged to move in w/us, then systematically destroyed her room, us, and family relations--it took her 6 years to drive me over the ledge and cut me out of the family. On one hand, she despeately wanted to be with us, but OTH, she was miserable, In reality, there was nothing to help her misery: loss of everything she had, lost husband, moves, lifetime mental ills, etc. ...she was miserable inside herself, trying to convince everyone she's fine, while writing reams of paper on the same themes, repeatedly over decades, paranoia about thieves, crooked politicians & anyone who might be a ready target, and religious ideations. She knew it was out of hand, but was not able to control her own behaviors. She's terrific at "showtimers", making it all the harder to do anything to help her in any constructive ways. Her habits made placing her anywhere, very hard.
It is sooooo important to tke care of yourself, 1st. You can always visit her in the AL, while keeping some privacy and peace of mind to help yourself. NOW while Mom is fairly able to adjust and understand, is the time to relocate her to an Assisted Living place; NOW, because facilities are more apt to accept her. Finding an open room for someone, in a decent place, is the real trick. Consider: ---Group homes [converted houses, few residents, need some helps/supervision] ---AL's [larger facilities, care for those who need a bit of help/supervision] ---Sr. housing [clusters of tiny apartments for those who can fairly care for themselves--maybe add delivered meals, daily or weekly assistants for various tasks]. ----Daycare or Senior Center programs [gets them a social life and activities]
My Mom was in a beautiful assisted living facility and when my Dad died last year she moved in with me because she missed him and wanted to be with family. If you can find a good AL...jump on it...I'm totally fried . She is a sweet 90 yo lady and not "too"demanding but the constant doctors appointments, meals served on trays, medications,heat tuned up to 80..yada yada yada and a full time job as well is very very trying. I'm 63 and thought I'd be slowing down but it really is like raising a toddler again. I'm on Xanax and heart meds and she is as healthy as a 40 year old. You need to stay healthy and take care of yourself and she will be very happy in AL....my Mom now says she misses her friends and feels lonely!
When a caregiver has too large a stress load, it damages their health, and because of that, they cannot do well at all, trying to help others--even easy cases. It is absolutely top-priority to take care of you first, then, if you have energy left, use it to help others at a REALISTIC level. Airlines tell people: if the Oxygen masks are indicated, you use it on your first. THEN use it on others....if you fail to care for oyur needs, you are hopeless/useless at helping others, because you are running on empty too soon. That advice applies to ALL other endeavors!
It is a tough decision but if your health is that seriously compromised you need to take the next step, either get more help in your home or move your mother out. I would investigate anything the county can provide first. If your mother's income is low there is probably a lot of free help you can get for her and for you. Like respite, someone to watch her while you do your own chores or go out for a lunch, etc. even a longer short-term stay in a local nursing home can all be paid for by county programs. I didn't know about this myself until recently. And if she has little to no assets you don't have to worry about qualifying or any "recovery" for any monies provided to her either. If her income is too high or she has assets that disqualify her look into a trust to place her funds. The program in my county, called "Alternative Care" provided a healthy budget to work with and my mother collects a fairly good amount on social security. She gave her home away years ago to my son, so she is eligible for Medicaid or Assisted Living Memory Care on the government's dime. But I opted to put her into a program that is neither Medicaid nor Assisted Living but the county will pay for adult day care plus transportation to and from the care center, and pay for personal care or home health aides to come in and relieve me at home, plus I can get respite care and some supplies such as Depends delivered free. It's a stop gap but if it works for a while and delays her entry into a home, improves her disposition because it will give her something to do away from home, and gives me some much-needed help and alone time, it should work out well.
There comes a time when AL is necessary. You can't help your mother if you're sick or emotionally spent. If your mother doesn't have the income to cover it, there are VA Benefits for dependents of veterans and Medicaid depending on her income. The best thing to do is seek advice from an attorney who specializes in elder issues.
chloesgrams2012 don't you dare even think about running off and leaving your mother in a home. That is not what her doctor meant and that is not what your sister means. Get her in a place that will have trained staff available around the clock -- staff who are fresh from a good night's sleep and who will go home to their other lives. Then you continue to have frequent contact with her in any ways that work -- visits, phone calls, cards, letters, etc. You advocate for the best care available. You straighten out the inevitable difficulties as they arise. You love her, you hold her hand, you take her for walks, you take her on outings when she is up to it, you eat lunch with her, etc. etc. There is no running off and leaving her. Be clear of that in your own mind, and communicate it to your mother.
Hi cholesgrams2012....When I seen that not only was I hurting myself and my family..I realized that I was harming mother also...she was so confused most of the time because of my tone of voice..I was so frustrated, tired, missed doing things that I found myself speaking very harshly to her at times...When I decided to place her in a home, I spent lots of guilt ridden nights crying, but I watch her become socially attached to some of the other ladies and men there she seem quite content and even happy...Now when I walk in...she is excited to see me...I go just about every day...the people who take care of her..are very caring and love her because she is a very sweet people person...now..I find peace in knowing that I done and am doing what needs for all of us...she still cries somtimes and so do I, but I know she is ok...I try to make it as home-like as I can...for her...I still fix her hair and take her to lunch sometimes...we go for walks outside...she knows she is not at home but she is ok..cause she is i good care...it is a hard thing to do..but with family support that you have..you can do this...and know that it is ok...your love for her will only grow stronger as your health gets better...enjoy the time you have but also enjoy those around you too..it is ok for you to be happy and spend time taking care of yourself... be encourged...it i ok...
There is a problem with assisted living in that they want residents who can pretty much take care of their physical needs themselves. If your loved one goes into assisted living early they will continue to care for them as their health declines. I have been trying to get my Mom into assisted living for the last year. She has mild dementia now but still takes care of her hygiene. At this point she is a great candidate because she could still enjoy the social activities. So I moved in to her home and now feel totally stuck. I am watching her mental health decline and know what is ahead down the road. I am so stressed at times and this is really just the beginning. If you could provide a few more details there are some great suggestions on the forum but I find that it is really a day-to-day existence.
Chloe - My heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful, caring daughter and have done so much for your mother. I do think that the high blood pressure you are experiencing is a serious warning to make some changes. Perhaps it is time to listen to your mother's doctor who thinks she should be placed, as well as your daughter who has the same advice.
As you know, high blood pressure can lead to heart attack, stroke, etc. I think the high blood pressure is a definite sign to make other arrangements for your mother. My mother was in a wonderful SNF and after a period of adjustment; she came to be happy living there. As with any change, it takes time to adjust.
At a SNF there are a lot of people around and this helps the resident to not feel lonely. And many have special care for alz/dementia. You could visit her all the time and take her out, etc.
If something should happen to you, then what? None of it is easy; but often times, placement is the best thing. Hugs to you and take care.
Daughterone, you and I were both determined to take care of our Moms. Your situation and mine are exactly alike. I have had my Mom living with me for 2 1/2 yrs now and just in the past couple weeks, it has really started taking a toll on my health. My blood pressure is skyrocketing! Can't get the bottom number under 90 and the top number just bounces all over the place! After about a year, the doctor gave me prozac to take the edge off, not a miracle cure, but it helped. Now, she absolutely will NOT let me out of her sight and constantly has to know where I am and what I am doing. She doesn't remember 5 minutes later. I always said I would take care of her until her mind completely went, but she still isn't in that kind of shape yet, but does have dementia that is getting worse every day. This situation started messing with me 7 or 8 months ago, and then through the winter I have packed on unhealthy pounds, and that could be contributing to the B/P raise along with my stress level which is through the roof. Mom's doctor says she needs placement and my daughter, who is in the medical profession, says so, too. She is an ER PA and she had me in the ER for a B/P check last night, and it was 170/92! I, too, have been praying so hard, but haven't received an answer yet. I am at wit's end! Does anyone have any suggestions because I have a hard time giving her up to a nursing home with her mind still having some knowledge of her surroundings. I'm guessing what is going on in her head is that I am running off and leaving her. I haven't been to get the mail for 4 days! I do have to go get groceries and sometimes there is a dental or doctor's appt I have to go to. I am miserable, please help with any suggestions! Thanks!
Corinne...look under the Caregivers name on the post..there is a link Give a Hug if you click on that link you can give them one. If you click on their name it will take you to their wall... you can also give a hug there too. I hope this helps.
You are certainly on the right track. There is no way you can personally continue to care for your mom without harming yourself. Stop and think . If anything happened to you, she would be in a dreadful position. She definitely needs other caregivers. I don't know if she is well enough to go into assisted living or whether hiring caregivers to come to the house , or skilled nursing care is what Mom needs. Make your determination and go ahead with your plans. Will you still have stress? Yes, but at a much lower amount. God bless you and keep you well. Hugs, Corinne
My time came when I ask this same question...I was so dead set to take care of Mother, that I almost put my self in the hospital. I negelted my family, my husband..everything in my life was wrong. When I began to take meds to calm my nerves so I could just tolerate being around mother, something clicked..I prayed for God to help me see what was going on...HE did..I was becoming so angry...that I could not help her...by chance she fell and broke a hip..she went into rehab for 6 weeks...during that time my body began to relax...so brougth her home...2weeks later she fell and rebroke the same hip...I seen then I just could not give her quality care..I had her placed in a home..after many months of emotional roller coaster stuff in me..I found a HOME closer to me..took her there and she loved it and still does...we now can laugh and enjoy each other...my family, my husband and my church now see me smiling again...If there is nothing you can do to enjoy you Mother now...give it a try...see how it goes and then decide..Most homes are very good care takers..it is very hard but it is well worth the effort ....just to see her smile..and enjoy you coming to see her...hope this helps..in my prayers.
That depends can your mother afford assisted living or can you? I also have major depression and high axiety and am my mom full time caregiver, I now weigh 100 pounds but she does not make enough for assisted living and I cannot work, so we are stuck, just hope I live longer than she does because I am all she has
It would be much better for your mother to be visited by an adult child who can be upbeat and loving than to be cared for by the child hanging on by a thread and not fully able to provide the emotional love and support she needs. Anyone can remind Mom to take her pills and help her to the bathroom and clean her living quarters. But no one can replace a child's love.
Save yourself so you can be well enough to give your mother what nobody else can provide, and let professionals handle the day-to-day caregiving.
I don't know if Assisted Living is the best choice for Mother. But it is pretty clear that relying on you for 24 hour support is not the best choice. I hope you have the strength to find an arrangement that will be better for both of you.
Concerned, it sounds like you are not mentally able to care for your mom. Do you have sibs? Discuss the situation with them and see if they will step up and help you look for a place for mom. If you keep caring for her in your current state, you will do even more damage to your mental and physical being. I have been caring for my mom for 5 years and it has taken it's toll on me. I am very strong emotionally and physically, so I can take a lot, but this is not a job that anyone should take on lightly. It can have devastating affects on the caregiver for sure. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself! Good luck
I agree with oncehatedDIL, every situation is different - as above advised - you need to take care of yourself. Stress induced health problems are so common in care giving. Having your mother go to assisted living would be a good choice and great place to start.
And there will be stress related to that as well; but on a different level. I like how above post states that taking care of yourself is a also a noble cause. It absolutely is and it is necessary. Take care and blessings to you.
Is Mom causing or adding to your stress and anxiety? Personally, I think the lifesaving rule should be applied for anyone undertaking the care of an elderly parent. The first principle of lifesaving is "secure your own safety". While jumping into rapid water to save someone drowning is a noble impulse, its not the wisest decision.
Serious stress and anxiety are serious life damaging issues. Secure yourself. If having Mom is assisted living helps you do that, it seems necessary.
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Just know, so many have walked that path!
Think: facilities have 3 shifts per 24 hours to handle residents.
You, do not.
NO ONE could do it 24/7, even with your "generous" time off [yeah, right!], and NOT feel as you do!
There is no real good way to grow a thicker skin...it's attitude and understanding--but that can still fall short, in the best of us.
Forget about guilt--any who try to guilt you over this, are ignorant, and should be ignored...or else, let THEM take Mom into their home 24/7--with your blessings!
Keep praying, humming, singing! That is a breath of sanity--hold onto it!
Keep connections with friends and relatives as you can--and try to get out in the world--even if that, for now, is only online!
Keeping connected with the world, is precious, necessary.
Look into facilities that can take your Mom in; some are better than others.
Check with your closest Area Agency on Aging, to see what help they might give you and your Mom. Ask Social workers how to best get Mom moved into a facility for care.
Make sure she's been diagnosed as needing 24/7 care...Docs dislike writing that up, but without it, it's harder to move Mom into a facility.
Doc needs to validate, in her chart, that
"if she is left alone for even an hour, she could be a danger to herself or others",
No matter the actual diagnosis, those words usually do it.
She's probably got Medicare and Social Security. If she has no other funds, and still owns her house or has other assets, her assets may be forfeit to pay for facility care, before Welfare will help.
Get help from the volunteer lawyers that make appointments via Area Agency on Aging, to get your ducks in a row, OK?
You have been doing a great job.
You are worthy of taking care of yourself!
Most of the time she doesn't realize that she is in her own house. My feelings sway back and forth form guilt(Am I giving up?) or relief(I need my life back. It's been almost three years since I retired and had to moved in with my mother (~9hrs away from my house).
I am doing a lot of praying, humming, and singing.
It is most likely your Mom would have declined were she with you or in AL. Unfortunetly it is the circle of life. Çan't make a person NOT feel guilty but you shouldn't...you did what you truly thought was best and was best.
Could you honestly handle your Mom during this declining state My doctor told me right off the bat that since my Mom was 90 "she will decline...be prepared for rough times"...I feel if she was still in AL I would be healthier and she would still be having the level of care that I just am not able to provide.
Mom begged to move in w/us, then systematically destroyed her room, us, and family relations--it took her 6 years to drive me over the ledge and cut me out of the family.
On one hand, she despeately wanted to be with us, but OTH, she was miserable,
In reality, there was nothing to help her misery: loss of everything she had, lost husband, moves, lifetime mental ills, etc.
...she was miserable inside herself, trying to convince everyone she's fine, while writing reams of paper on the same themes, repeatedly over decades, paranoia about thieves, crooked politicians & anyone who might be a ready target, and religious ideations.
She knew it was out of hand, but was not able to control her own behaviors. She's terrific at "showtimers", making it all the harder to do anything to help her in any constructive ways. Her habits made placing her anywhere, very hard.
It is sooooo important to tke care of yourself, 1st.
You can always visit her in the AL, while keeping some privacy and peace of mind to help yourself.
NOW while Mom is fairly able to adjust and understand, is the time to relocate her to an Assisted Living place;
NOW, because facilities are more apt to accept her.
Finding an open room for someone, in a decent place, is the real trick.
Consider:
---Group homes [converted houses, few residents, need some helps/supervision]
---AL's [larger facilities, care for those who need a bit of help/supervision]
---Sr. housing [clusters of tiny apartments for those who can fairly care for themselves--maybe add delivered meals, daily or weekly assistants for various tasks].
----Daycare or Senior Center programs [gets them a social life and activities]
THEN get down to taking care of you!
I'm 63 and thought I'd be slowing down but it really is like raising a toddler again. I'm on Xanax and heart meds and she is as healthy as a 40 year old.
You need to stay healthy and take care of yourself and she will be very happy in AL....my Mom now says she misses her friends and feels lonely!
It is absolutely top-priority to take care of you first, then, if you have energy left, use it to help others at a REALISTIC level.
Airlines tell people: if the Oxygen masks are indicated, you use it on your first.
THEN use it on others....if you fail to care for oyur needs, you are hopeless/useless at helping others, because you are running on empty too soon.
That advice applies to ALL other endeavors!
be encourged...it i ok...
As you know, high blood pressure can lead to heart attack, stroke, etc. I think the high blood pressure is a definite sign to make other arrangements for your mother. My mother was in a wonderful SNF and after a period of adjustment; she came to be happy living there. As with any change, it takes time to adjust.
At a SNF there are a lot of people around and this helps the resident to not feel lonely. And many have special care for alz/dementia. You could visit her all the time and take her out, etc.
If something should happen to you, then what? None of it is easy; but often times, placement is the best thing. Hugs to you and take care.
Save yourself so you can be well enough to give your mother what nobody else can provide, and let professionals handle the day-to-day caregiving.
I don't know if Assisted Living is the best choice for Mother. But it is pretty clear that relying on you for 24 hour support is not the best choice. I hope you have the strength to find an arrangement that will be better for both of you.
I have been caring for my mom for 5 years and it has taken it's toll on me. I am very strong emotionally and physically, so I can take a lot, but this is not a job that anyone should take on lightly. It can have devastating affects on the caregiver for sure. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself! Good luck
And there will be stress related to that as well; but on a different level. I like how above post states that taking care of yourself is a also a noble cause. It absolutely is and it is necessary. Take care and blessings to you.
Serious stress and anxiety are serious life damaging issues. Secure yourself. If having Mom is assisted living helps you do that, it seems necessary.
Taking care of yourself is also a noble cause.