Is it possible to take care of my mother full-time and have a romantic relationship at the same time?
Please don't laugh at me---I am in my late fifties and when I moved in to my mother's house it was 12 years ago, after she had had a terrible stroke. My two younger sisters pointed out that since I was a widow and had no children, I would be the best person to move into her house and take care of her. So I did---I love my mother very much----I quit my job and moved across the state to take care of her.
I took a job which I had for 8 years, where she could still take care of herself during the day---then got laid off as the whole department was transferred to another country. She is getting more need for help and, in a particularly depressed area in the south, there were no jobs to look for anyway--I am partially handicapped from a car wreck many years ago, and face some movement limitations.
And I am so lonely!!!!!!! I grew up here, but have been away for 30 years except for visits, and anyone I knew is now long gone. So no women to hang out with----and what would we walk about since I have no job, no husband, no children, and Lord help us, no grandchildren. But worst of all, I miss male companionship. When my only outlet is church it is a little hard to find eligible men---and I am not able to do all those single book things about joining clubs, volunteeering, etc, etc, because I am TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER!!
Forgive my bluntness, but I have not had sex in 15 years---and maybe, in my late 50's I should be giving up on that anyway, but I feel my heart and soul is turning to ice. Please don't tell me that I am awful person to feel this way, or that being married is better than being in a bad marriage---I see people in bad marriages that I envy deeply. And I am not ugly, but I am an average looking woman----any man my age who might be attracted to a woman my age could do much better. Also, I am in a small town with TWO women's colleges, filled with lovely young girls who sweep up the old men as well as the young men---an I suppose, who can blame the men.
But I like awake at night, working on the computer, or finishing my Bible study and thinking, "I cannot live with human touch anymore. I can't do it." But then--what do I do?
I am so sorry for the high drama sound of all this but if anyone could help me at all I would be so grateful----I am afraid of what I might do. Just please don't tell me to pray---I do that all the time anyway. Thank you so much in advance
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You really need to get a break for yourself. I can't tell you how to go about getting male companionship. But maybe I can offer some advise on how to get a break for yourself.
REMEMBER: don't feel guilty asking for help so you can get a break to live your life.I know I was too proud to ask for help myself. But I hit bottom on a verge of a nervous breakdown till I realized its okay to get a break!!!
First suggestion is ask ones in your church if anyone would volunteer to come sit with your mother. Second, If possible finanically pay someone to give you a break as often as needed. But I know that can be expensive if your on a fixed budget.
Next, you could try to contact your dept. of aging program in your state. They do have home health agencies that will send aides to look after your mom. But there is a income guideline to get that help. If mom would qualify the days and hours will be based on income bracket she falls into.
Another idea is if you have a local personal care home close, contact them and ask if they would be willing to "daycare" your mom. This is the option that worked for me. The PCH charges me very little to take my mom there for the day. and they have even kept my mom over night if they had an extra bed. I don't take her there that often but I know that I have that choice if I need a break.
Please, don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do!!! All caregivers goes through this of what to do to keep yourself sane. From experience let me say that you need to have some kind of life outside your moms caregiving. It will help you focus more clearly in your caregiving role. I can't stress enough that you are a priority in your life.
God will hear your prayers and guide you in the right direction for you to be able to have that companionship you desire.
JAMIE
Carol