Can you ever be happy and be a caregiver?
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to be happy again without this feeling of shadow over me. Always knowing that whatever happiness or ease I find in my life that I'll always feel guilty for it because my mother is suffering and will be until she passes which could easily be over a decade from now. Every now and then I will happen to have a good day or even good news and it's almost inevitable that my mother promptly has a crisis or some new misery to ruin it.
It almost feels like my life is already stolen, not really mine anymore and I'm long-distance from her for now but that is soon to change. I'm finding it harder to manage things from a distance, so one way or another she will be local but I plan to never live with her or I'd go crazy. Maybe I'd feel different if we'd had a good relationship up until now but we definitely did not. No matter how many services I arrange or how many professionals I put between me and her, I'll never be free of the responsibility unless I leave her to the state but the guilt would kill me.
How do the rest of you manage? Are you able to maintain any real happiness in the face of all this endless illness and decline?
You misunderstood what I was saying. I didn't say call someone to help YOU. I meant call 911 and have them come and get your MOTHER....then refuse to pick her up. You can do that. I did that the last 3 months of my mom's life. I had been caring for her for over 10 years, almost 12. Not only my health, but my mind, was in a black pit. I truly feared keeling over before my mom did. And that was that. When I called 911 and they threatened to send my mom back to me that same night, I threatened to kill her or myself. I made myself out to be a full blown lunatic, yelling at that medic, making threats, you name it. I told them they could throw me in a nice, quiet jail cell and I didn't give a damn. It was better than dealing with the alternative, my mom's end stage, out of control behavior because of alz around the clock. No more. I couldn't do it another minute. Long story short, the state found a nice facility for my mom. She was around pro's around the clock, clean, fed, bathed, and all around taken care of well. And the load was off me. Thank you, God.
As for 'meaning' in this life...well, honestly, I'm not sure there's much meaning to any one individuals life unless they're Mother Teresa or Ghandi, but I do have wishes for my life and my wishes are simple.
I wake up and enjoy a hot cup of coffee, gazing out over the lake behind my house. It's quiet. I'm content.
A drive to Myrtle beach this summer for a day or two to simply listen to the waves at 5 a.m and midnight. Just to walk alone on the beach in solitude. I'm content.
A day, a week, a month, without intense fighting and arguing...I'm content. I'm happy.
My boys, who are no more perfect than I am, around me. I'm content. I'm not always thrilled with them, but they're my son's and I love them.
Putting up bird feeders in spring and planting some new flowers. The fairy garden in a big pot I have in mind makes me happy. I'm looking forward to it. I'm content.
To me, my 'meaning' in life, my job in this life, is to find one thing. Peace. In all the little, tiny ways I can. And maybe to bring some of that to others by helping them grow bigger balls when it comes to abusers. lol
We aren't going to change this world. But we can find peace and can be content in our little corner of it.
You can see a doctor...look around for a good one you click with...who WILL help you get your emotions and mental issues under control. Before you give up, do that.
A lot of us deal with some insane emotions and issues. You're part of our crowd and we're part of yours. You aren't alone. At all. And when things get really tough, you come here and tell us. We will be your net that stops you falling too far. *squish!*
Thank you for your answer, I admire the way you coped with an awful situation as well and for as long as you did. I believe I am not that strong. I understand your concern, and do appreciate it.
Intellectually I know you are right about reaching out for help, but I am past caring. Last time I was at the hospital for the bipolar issue I was strapped down and forced to stay that way for waaaaaay too long. I have absolutely no interest in repeating anything along those lines and refuse to call anyone...even if I wanted to...which, obviously, I don't.
Please don't be concerned, either I live or I die, I don't think it matters, really...I have searched for many years for meaning in this life and have found no point in it.
Caregiving has not created these issues, but definitely exacerbates it.
But it doesn't matter, really.
Thanks again, though. I'm glad you have found some peace.
I do not regret caregiving at all. I cared for an aunt who took me in, along with my grandmother, when every other person in my family, including my mom and dad, decided it was not their problem that there was a hungry, cold kid that needed a home.
I regret how I handled many situations, and specifically, I regret not saying no more often. I let myself be manipulated and controlled. Although, near the end, I finally opened my eyes and stopped letting her push my buttons, if I had stood up for myself sooner, I would have ended up much healthier and happier when it was all said and done.
I will never, NEVER care for anyone like that again, with the exception of my wife. She is younger and more healthy than I am, so I expect she won't need someone to care for her.
I will never ask someone to take care of me if it means they cannot work or leave me alone. It's not fair to them, and professionals usually do a better job than 1 person who is on the verge of exhaustion and a nervous breakdown lol.
If you are caring for someone who needs physical help but is a gem to talk to, who shows appreciation, who shows care for your feelings and needs, then yes.
If you are caring for someone with dementia or Alzheimers who may not be able to show those feelings to you, it is still possible if they are basically a "happy go lucky" type...
But if you are caring for a person who's clingy, selfish, cannot see your needs, is unappreciative and "expects" you to be there to the point where you can't even get a job for yourself to make money for your future; someone who - while you love them at heart dearly - doesn't understand you, nor care to understand you or your needs, I would say no... at least not in my case.
I carry a lot of guilt and I feel cornered because I am in a NO WIN situation.
If she lives another 10 years, the money in the inheritance will be completely swallowed up with assisted living or memory care. Since I don't work outside the home, I will be destitute because I can't get a job (because mom refuses any other care besides me and will not even make a friend...)
If she dies in the next couple of years, I will feel like a horrible orphan; a terrible daughter, I will be more financially stable but will always feel that guilt and loneliness for her.
Their good qualities come out stronger with dementia, as do their bad.
My mom has both... she is a joy and laughs sometimes and we genuinely have fun out together, but when it's bad; it's bad... clingy, desperate, tries to put a lot of guilt on (like the catholic guilt thing; lol we are catholics) and the passive aggressive stuff....
It's hard when they refuse to better their own lives... my mother has dementia but it's just entering the moderate stage; she could make friends at Senior Center but refuses, her voice rising, stating...., "But I have you!!"
So it depends on who you are taking care of.
Towards the end of my mom's life she became almost impossible to deal with. I had no clue what to do with her anymore. She couldn't stand or walk. She couldn't communicate her needs anymore. I felt so damn sorry for her, but at the same time I hated the thought of yet another day dealing with it all. I know it was very frustrating for her not to be able to be mobile, or to communicate and I had all the sympathy in the world for her but it didn't make it any easier to handle. My mom would cry and scream and shriek out of frustration, literally around the clock sometimes. This went on for months. Finally, after 3-4 days of almost non stop screaming at the top of her lungs like she was being tortured, I'd had it. I was shaking so bad and my chest hurt so bad I feared I would drop dead before she did. I called 911, told them something was very wrong with my mom, told them I couldn't handle it, told them to come get her. The medic said they'd release her back to me that night if they couldn't find a physical problem. I told the medics and the cop....the dispatcher heard my mom's shrieking in the background and probably thought someone was killing her so they sent the police, too...that if they tried to release her back to me I'd kill her or myself. I told them in no uncertain terms that I would not EVER assume responsibility for her again. They tried to pressure me into bringing her back home but I refused. I 'abandoned' her to the state. It put the responsibility of placing her in a facility, which I couldn't do myself for lack of POA, on the state. Which they did. Thank God. I still saw her all the time, still visited on a regular basis, but it wasn't 24/7 anymore. I went as far as I could go. I wish I could have kept her with me till the end, I really do, but I just couldn't do it anymore. 10 years of me was enough.
Before you harm yourself or your mental state degenerates any further, you call 911 and do what I did. And lose the guilt. Nobody should be brought down as far as you are now. I feel you. I was there. It ain't pretty. Do what you have to to save your own ass. You can only go so far for another. Everyone has limits. You're at yours. *hugs*
In addition, I have bipolar which is never completely controlled, even without the extra stress that comes from caregiving.
Mood swings are awful, I have to try to hide them from my mom and my husband, I have no friends, and no opportunities to make any...even if I had the opportunities or the desire...I am always soooo tired...
Oh, did I mention I am also going through menopause?
Mostly, I wish I could lay down for a loooong nap and never ever wake up. I very often think of making that happen, to just check out. I was disappointed (truly) that my recent pap test showed no cancer. I just want to be gone, and don't care how it happens. I think I won't last much longer and I just don't even care.
The day will come when the scales tip just enough that I will end it myself, and I feel fine about that.
Everyone in my life will be just fine, and my pain will be gone.
When I think about it, it seems the perfect solution...on many days, at least.
I'm just so so sooooo tired.
.
For peace, when I find myself at 'MAX' I say the Hail Mary, it always helps, me.
And God will forgive me for all the times I went outside and dropped F bombs to release my stress because of the care giver role he saw fit to trust me with.
It may be a hidden ministry that goes unrecognized by many, but it is a ministry that is seen by the Lord and one that pleases Him. In its simplest form, Jesus recognized its value and importance when He said, “Whoever helps one of these little ones because they are my followers will truly get his reward. He will get his reward even if he only gave my follower a cup of cold water.” Matthew 10:42 ICB
In Matthew 25, Jesus brings to us the value and ministry of caregiving when He said, “I was sick and you visited Me with help and ministering care…then the just and upright will answer Him, Lord, when did we see You hungry and gave You food, or thirsty and gave You something to drink… and when did we see You sick…And the King will reply to them, Truly I tell you, in so far as you did it for one of the least [in the estimation of men] of these My brethren, you did it for Me.”
Jesus is completely identified with His children. No one can touch God’s people in any way, whether for good or for harm, without touching Him. An example of this is found in the life of the Apostle Paul. On the way to the city of Damascus, when Saul (Paul) was making war on those who were “followers of the Way” he had a direct encounter with the living Jesus. That day, Jesus said to him, “Saul, why are you persecuting me?” Saul discovered that when he persecuted those who were following Jesus, he was also persecuting Jesus. From that day on, Saul became the man who ministered to Jesus by touching the lives of multitudes for their good and for God’s glory.
As a caregiver,
God will use your hands as an extension of His hands—to hold, to support, to embrace, to comfort, to bless, to help, to heal;
God will use your words— to encourage, to build up, to speak hope, to convey truth, to strengthen faith, to deepen trust, to impart love;
God will use your presence— to show care, to bring companionship, to wipe a tear, to sooth a pain, to dispel a fear, to rub a brow, to kiss a check, to hold a hand, to fluff a pillow, to reassure when there’s a setback, to celebrate when progress is made.
As God’s servants, the ministry of caregiving means that whatever it is we do to help another, even if it means the simple act of giving a glass of water to one of His children, the Lord receives it as a ministry done unto Him.
How blessed you are to be able to touch others for good and to minister unto the Lord in a way that makes His heart glad.
I tell myself frequently that I'm only one person and I'll do what I can for her to the best of my ability and that's good enough.
I remind myself that God instructed me to honor my father and mother and that caring for her in her old age is a way I can do that.
I keep in mind Matthew "that whatsoever you do to the least of my brethern you do to me" and I just keep plugging along.
While I resent that my siblings don't help they don't interfer either.
Since it is all up to me I've hired help (housekeeping, personal assistants) to deal with those issues that take up the greatest amount of my time on a routine basis.
I ask myself what it is that God wants me to learn from this situation.
I take time to put myself first.
I seek contentment rather than happiness.
I tell myself that this too shall pass.
I keep my sense of humor with me at all time.