Currently both my parents are in a nursing home (ages 85 and 81, dad and mom respectively). Dad's got stroke induced dementia (or the stroke finished it off) and is bedridden after broken leg in a fall. Already discharged from therapy and no expectation he'll ever be other than bedridden. Mom's in mid stages of dementia, some stroke induced, but is mobile and could be in assisted living. My dilemma, she complains constantly of having to take care of him (never mind there are nurses there that do all the work) yet refuses to leave his side. Several of the staff there have told me it is not uncommon to have to separate spouses, and in their case I believe they'd both be better off.
So, has anyone had to forcibly separate their parents? How exactly did you go about getting the one that could move away from the other? And how did the adjustment go afterwards?
I fully expect my dad to go first and with her in the room, that shock plus the shock of moving again to assisted living (otherwise the money will long have run out) will likely just be too much for her to deal with. I'm thinking sparing her both those would be better off.
Roger
It is extremely difficult to be in a room with a very ill patient.
There are varying degrees of separation for a couple needing care.
The couple I knew about were separated, each going to live with an adult child.
The mother died of neglect (diabetes) living semi-independently, within months, as her husband survived with excellent care, and was transferred to a facility.
I believe there is a long-term bonding and care of each other in married couples that should not be messed with, however good our intentions.
This was just one example.
If you look into it a bit closer, you might not want to take the first 'solution' offered for your Mom.
How to go about it - start with consulting your mother about what she wants.
What kind of results are likely - if you ignore what you know of her preferences, bad ones.
Where it actually has become necessary - for example, primary caregiver breaks a hip; primary caregiver experiences full breakdown but is still unwilling to relinquish duties - people will sometimes accept the idea of respite care, i.e. a temporary break, when they won't even hear of having their loved one admitted to permanent residential care.
You could put it to her that a couple of weeks in a different suite, with proper rest and a chance to unwind, would make her much better able to support your father going forward.
Your reasons for separating them are
that your mother will be better off not having to do any of the care (though she already doesn't)
that the shock of being on her own will be too much for her (too bad then, if the chances are she will be; and it won't be any better if she hasn't prepared by seeing for herself)
that she complains of being burdened with his care and then won't leave his side (actions speak louder than words, in this case).
She may be in a nursing home, but even a nursing home should have living and sitting rooms and grounds for her to walk around in. Ask her to take you for some fresh air.
You say you think they'll both be better off - how would he be better off? I can't see that she would, and I don't think you'd ever hear the end of it if you attempted to "put them asunder."