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My mother is an alcoholic and prescription drugs abuser. She has been an alcoholic for years, too long ago to remember. Me and my dad have offered rehab countless times. I have helped her become sober for so long, but it's becoming too much to handle with school, and the fact that she always starts up again regardless of what I do. I have become extremely angry and frustrated. I don't speak to her anymore and when I do I never say anything nice because she calls me every swear word in the book. She is threatening to kick me out which would jeopardize my entire future. I don't have anywhere to go, I don't have a job because I am at home cleaning and taking care of my younger siblings, and working on my school work because I'm trying to make honour roll. As much as I want to leave, I can't without throwing everything away. I don't have many friends to go to and even if I could, their parents would probably say no and my siblings would be left to fend for themselves. My father is a hard working man and has multiple jobs providing for our family, he can't do what needs to be done at home. If I left everything would fall apart. Can I really be kicked out since I'm 18?

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Can you check with Adult Protective Services in your city, and also with Child Protective Services since there are younger children involved. Unless you are a licensed therapist who works at a substance abuse center, it would be extremely difficult to know how to work with someone in the throes of alcohol addiction.

You need help. You need to get the authorities involved. Although you have the best intentions, you cannot handle this alone.
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Don’t worry about what your mom said about kicking you out. If she’s back on the drugs she was trying to manipulate and scare you.

Just because you’re 18 doesn’t mean you can be thrown out of your home. You are there helping your dad and doing child care for siblings. What’s your mom doing besides getting high?

Your dad could admit mom to a rehab (he has the power) and children shouldn’t have to live in that chaos.

Mom needs drug treatment now.
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We have threatened to call CPS or APS but my mother threatens to tell them that my father abuses her, and if they believe her my dad could lose all his jobs. My dad has never laid a hand on my mother. Whenever he gets frustrated or furious at my mother and just takes himself out of the situation. My mother is threatening to blackmail him if he tries to get authorities involved. Child Protective Services showing up at my door would be ugly enough. I want this to end so badly but with the least damage possible. We live in a small town and word travels fast. If people find out about this, we will never be looked at the same.
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Thank you for all the answers by the way. I've never spoken about this to anyone. It feels nice to hear some feedback. I know what needs to be done and my dad does too. We just don't want it to be ugly.
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Forget what people in town will say. Over time, they will forget and move on to something else to talk about. Having an alcoholic, abusive mother is not going to be the scandal you think it is, trust me.

Take the steps now to get help for your family. If that means having to contact CPS or APS, then do it. 20 years from now, what will you regret most - having suffered through a little embarassment, a little gossip and come out on the other side of it as a free, healthy adult with all of your life ahead of you - or having not done anything and continued to live in that situation, suffering the abuse and knowing your younger siblings and your dad are suffering too?

If your dad won't take steps to make the change, then you need to.
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Sprinkles, there is no clean, easy, vanilla way out of this. Pardon my French, but people will get pissed off. Your mother has mental issues and APS will see that. So would CPS. They deal with those kinds of people all the time. Your father can’t lose his jobs just because he’s accused of something by an obviously mentally ill woman.

It’s going to be “ugly”. It already is ugly, isn’t it? And it will get worse until your mother totally implodes and does something more awful than she already has. There is no “nice and clean” way to handle this. You and your father need to make up your minds, put your heads down and bull it through until your Mom is where she needs to be and the kids, including you, are safe.
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Your code of silence is hurting you and your sibs, you need to start speaking out to everyone in authority you come into contact with about your mother's problems - your school counsellors and teachers, your religious leader, your extended family. The more people know the less chance there is that your mom will be believed if she starts to spew hate filled lies and the greater the chance that your situation will change for the better. Worrying about what people will think of you is like allowing yourself to drown instead of getting into the life raft because people will see you were skinny dipping. You may be surprised to find out that many people already know about your mom - as you said it is hard to keep secrets in a small town.
And BTW, you can't be thrown out unless your father is complicit, IMO he needs to man up and protect his children.
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As much as I hate what my mother is doing and who she has become, she has gotten herself to this point and needs to stop, and it will most likely end very badly. I know what needs to be done, I just don't want to do it. My mother will hate me, more then she already does. I just hate everything about this. Thank you for taking the time and reaching out to me. It has helped greatly, truly.
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Sprinkles im assuming you’re still in high school, and your siblings are in school as well? I would speak to your school nurse about the situation just like you told us. They are a mandatory reporter, have seen and heard all sorts of family drama, and will help get the assistance you and your younger siblings need. If you’re in a larger school they may also have a school psychologist that will help, as well as your guidance councilor. My GF is a school nurse and handles these types of family issues all the time. She is good at being The Bad Guy which removes the blame off of the child. Please speak up for yourself and your younger siblings. 
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Sprinkles, it's with a heavy heart that I read your responses. I think you’ve reached out to us for advice, but aren’t likely to take our advice because you don’t want to upset the proverbial apple cart. Your sibs will grow up knowing only this type of life. What a shame. I wish you well and pray you and your father (especially your father) find the intestinal fortitude to do something before it’s too late. Good luck to you.
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The only way you can be kicked out is if your father is willing to go along with it. I’m glad you respect your dad, and I do too for his work ethic, but he’s also failing you and his other children for not protecting you all from an addict. Please take the advice you’ve been offered here and reach out for help, yes, it will be hard, but have the courage to take a positive step to make all of your lives better. You and your siblings don’t deserve to live like you are living
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My father grew up with an alcoholic as a father. He is hesitant to call for help because when he did that on his father, their relationship was never the same. My father loves my mother and would do anything for her, however, he has trouble realizing that her leaving is what's best. He doesn't want to divorce her, and he doesn't want to make the same mistake he made with his father. I understand whats going through his head, as I would/am feeling the same way. Because my mother would possibly never forgive us, at least not for a while. I shield my siblings from most of it, but they aren't stupid. They know what's going on but I take all the fights from my mother whenever she decides to pick one. I'm making myself the bad guy. I have told my school councillor (just minor details, nothing like what I've just said) and she has offered to include CPS. She said she's done it many times also for other kids at school in past years. She said it's always ugly. I talked to my dad and he said something needs to be done because it's never going to stop. He said he will contact APS tomorrow. I will keep you updated.
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It sounds to me as though everyone is afraid of your mom and what she will say or do. She is a very sick woman who has poisoned her family but no one wants to hurt her feelings or make her angry. Yes, your dad has a lot of baggage. What kind of relationship did he have with his alcoholic father that it got ruined? How could his life be any more miserable now than it already is? Sure he loves his dad and your mom.. and he tried to do right by them. But ignoring the elephant in the room isn’t right, is it? Your school counselor has tried to help. Let her.
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My father called a mental institution had they held my grandfather in custody for 72 hours. Things started back up again when my grandfather came home. My dad, I agree, needs to do something. I just want him to do it, I don't want to be the one who has to let shit hit the fan. But, hey, in retrospect it already has. I just fear making it worse. My friends sister was a drug addict and when she became pregnant and continued to use drugs, my friend call authorities. They aren't speaking to this day. (the baby is just fine. She's 4 now and is beautiful. The parents take care of her)
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Sprinkles - what's the best of these situations?

Having your abusive, alcoholic, addicted mother out of your lives so you can move on in peace - and *possibly* having her become a healthy, whole person so that *maybe* you can have a decent relationship down the road, and you, Dad and sibs all get to live in relative peace in the meantime

- OR -

Staying and living in misery until your mother physically harms someone - the police, APS and CPS get involved - the younger sibs get taken away and put in foster care because Dad stood by and did nothing to prevent the situation or to fix it?

You and Dad have a choice to make here. If he won't make it, you need to. I know it's hard. But someone has to be the "adult" here, and if your Dad won't do it, then you need to.
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Sprinkles, things are not the same as they were in your dad's day. EVERY family has an addict in it. It's no longer the families dirty little shameful secret. It's a very open subject now.

I bet you a dollar to donuts that your dad's dad had never really gotten sober. That's why he continued to resent dad.

I am around recovery almost daily. The people who are sober and in recovery (12 step program) always look at the bad ending of their active addiction as a blessing! She will not hate you. And believe me, she does NOT hate you now.

You represent everything she is not. You ARE everything she can not be. She feel like a piece of crap. She thinks she is dirt. Whatever we have on the inside, is what we spew out. And sadly it's her family who gets it.

She's also feeling very judged by you and Dad. That's also why she's so mean.

She has a disease that will kill her. But first it will drag you all threw hell with her until she dies.

I pray your dad is really going to call for help. His kids need to feel they matter, that they are important and most of all loved. By dad getting her out of the house, the kids will feel they are so important that dad would even get rid of mom for them. I'm not saying he will or should abandon her, but do something that stops this torment.

The cycle will not be broken unless the family gets help, now. Addiction is a family disease. Everyone will need some sort of treatment. There is Al Anon, Al Teen, family and individual therapy for this situation.

The cycle is not broken yet. Your dad married exactly what he grew up with. I will guarantee, one or more of you kids will become addicts and/or marry one. Marrying an abuser is just as likely.

Do you want your little sister to hook up with some monster, just to get out of the house? How would you feel then, when she comes to you after being gang raped? All because she chose a druggie boyfriend with out of control junkie friends, cause she didn't have enough self esteem to think she deserved better. Or your brother killed in a car crash at 18 because he was drinking and driving.

If you were feeling pressured by us, on this site, and just said dad's getting help, think about the kids. Step up and do something. Your mom is choosing to continue like this. The kids however, don't have a choice!

Yes Spinkles, this "WILL" get ugly,very ugly. But not for your mom....for the rest of the kids.
Everyone's protecting mom, no one's protecting the kids.
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PS. Who gives a crap if she gets mad at you, she's always fighting with you now! If you're the one to make the call, so what! It can't be worse then it already is between you and her. 
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PPS. Everyone's being so SELFISH! Dad don't want Mom mad at him, you don't want to mom madder at you....So let's screw up the kids instead!

I'm done. This is so unfair.
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Sprinkles: Addicts only turn their lives around when they hit rock bottom. You and your father tolerating this horrible situation is not helpful. Contact the school nurse, child protective services, etc, like all the other posters have recommended.

Bottom line: You can do nothing and live in hell for years, or you can take a stand and live in hell for the short time the "stuff" hits the fan then live in peace for years. Pick one.
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I did research and gave my dad numbers near us of people who can remove my mom from the home. My mother has insomnia and that's how all of this started. When the pills stopped working (because she took too much over time) she turned to booze and now mixes the two. She will go days without sleep. Until she falls asleep it's Hell. She finally managed to fall asleep this afternoon. If she wakes up drinking again, my dad said he'll call. My mother had the roughest start to life. Her childhood was beyond terrible. If I were in her shoes at 18 I would've killed myself. She is a tough son-of-a-bitch. When she's sober, she's amazing. But it's becoming too damaging for all of us. I told my dad if he doesn't do something, that I'll move in with my grandmother. That brought him to his senses. The next time she drinks, my dad is calling CPS. No one is being selfish by the way. We are scared. We had hope that my mother would get better. My siblings are gifted in so many ways, it's like none of what's going on is affecting them. One is an amazing artist, the other is killer at makeup and the other can beat any video game. They all have hearts of gold. We are intending on keeping it that way. Don't call us selfish until you've been in our shoes for at least a day. I haven't told you the half of it.
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I am so glad you have your grandmother! Take care of yourself,, and be strong
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I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents and my son is a heroin addict. I know a bit about addiction.

Your mother is holding you hostage with threats of eviction. Unless your dad agrees (and I'm sure he won't), she can't kick you out. You have a right to live in your own home.

You mother needs help (even she knows that) but, like my son, doesn't want any. The drugs and booze have killed any conscience she would have had. She's mad at you because you bring up her addictions and her shortcomings.  None of the addicts want to see themselves for who they are. They know you are right and better than they are so they lash out in anger.

It's sweet of you to take the brunt of your mom's anger to shelter your siblings but none of you should have to live this way.

Its too bad your dad was traumatized by trying to get help for his dad but that can't make any difference in providing for the safety of his children. "Feelings" have no place in this.

She needs to get her act together (rehab) or leave the house. If she refuses, then your dad needs to move with all the kids to a different location.

Your mother is an adult and does not have dementia. Therefore, she is allowed to make all the bad/stupid decisions she wants. But, she is supposed to be a responsible mother, not a checked out alcoholic. Unless she leaves the house OR your dad takes all the kids and moves somewhere else, the social workers will remove the minors from the home and put them in foster care. That's why I'm telling you that he needs to get her out or ya'll need to move without taking her.

Your mom needs to see that she will no longer have her family if she continues with her addictions. Yes, the poop will hit the fan. But you all need a better environment to grow up in. HER feelings don't matter now. She is endangering all her children. God knows how traumatized kids can be with an addict and their irrational behavior. I don't care HOW nasty she gets. She needs to be responsible for her actions.

Either you or he need to make a change.
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sprinkles - I will echo what the others are saying. Doing the right thing is doing the right thing for everyone. You can't make your mother stop drinking. Her threats are empty and manipulative. It is time for you all to get healthier - Alanon, etc. are great. Once someone in your household makes the right moves , everyone, including your mother, will benefit. No one benefits when the sickest person runs the show. Hope your dad follows through. Take care of you - put on your oxygen mask. Good luck.
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Sprinkles, Your dad is as much a part of the problem as your mother. He needs to man up and protect his children from their mother. He needs to remove her from the home to get help with her drinking. If she doesn’t want to quit drinking, she won’t.

I’m not sure how old you are. If you are 18, in most states you can can be kicked out of your home. You might want to check the rules in your home state. In a few states with extenuating circumstances you can be kicked out earlier. 

This situation is already ugly. You covering it up really isn’t helping. As suggested by others, call APS or CPS. Talk to your school counselor or the school nurse. Both are very capable of helping you. By you and your dad not speaking up, you are enabling her alcoholism. Go to AlaTeen or Alanon to get some help for yourself. 
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You have to call your Moms bluff. Dad is enabling her. She either leaves or you all leave her.
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sprinkles I was in two minds whether to post on this one. One of my minds won, so here goes.

My dad was an alcoholic most of his life but we had breaks (while he was at sea) It was hell on earth when he was home on leave for all of us. He did not hit my mum but psychologically and verbally - all the time.

There were only 3 of us kids and I was the youngest. My Sister got out first, then my brother. (it was more complicated than that) but that is the short version.
My mum got a 'live-in' job and I ended up in a bedsit.

When my dad came back he came to me. He didnt understand why we had all left. I was the one that had to tell him. It wasnt nice. Nothing about it was nice.
BUT as he was now 'not at sea' it was going to get worse, so we all pre empted it.

You have had some great advice given here USE IT.

The question seems to me, to be.
Do we carry on covering up for mum and JUST HOPE it wont get worse?
Or - do we protect the younger siblings, yourself and your dad?

Why not speak to your siblings and ask them? I am sure they know and understand more than you think. I know I did at the age of 6. I did not know it was drink but I knew dad was 'a bit odd and smelled funny'

I wish you good luck. It my opinion it seems as though you are both using delaying tactics, in the hope it does not happen again. eg. If she starts again THEN you will do something about it.

It does NOT mean you do not love them. It fact, I think it is the opposite. It is BECAUSE you love them you need to do it.
Remember once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. Even if she has a good rehab and comes out sober. She will always be one, just in recovery. Which would be brilliant.

Not everyone that has great pain or a rough life becomes a crook or a drinker.

You are free to chose. There is not in between. Do it, or not do it.

I wish you ALL great luck.
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PS. I was 15 when I went into a bed-sit.
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Bee,
What is a bed-sit? Maybe I know it by another name.
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SueC1957
I think they call them studio flats now? But it was a small room in a house - About 9 feet x 9 feet.. Had a bed, table and chair and a cooking ring. Use of the bathroom (paid with coins in a machine)
But it was a roof. :)
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You need to take the long view and not the short view. Your father said he would call CPS "tomorrow." That was two days ago. Did he call CPS yesterday? No.

When will you graduate from high school? What are your plans after that?

How old are your siblings?

Your father is failing in his responsibility to his children. While it is most important to get yourself out of this situation, I understand your concern for your siblings. And even if they don't show signs of being affected now, that doesn't mean this situation won't cause them long-term damage with possible devastating consequences.
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