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Hello,my mom (82) and step-dad (85) have been together for over 37 years. They both have dementia and health complications and my mom is now receiving hospice care. My mom can be bossy and rigid and my step dad usually can go with the flow. However, on a rare occasion, he can get fed-up and scare her by getting into her space with an angry face. Recently, it was reported to me by the director of the facility that that my mom said he tried to throw a small table at her. However, when my brother visited shortly after this alleged altercation, the table was standing where it always does with the top full with a square tissue box , the remote and a bottle of water and opened crackers. I wonder if my moms story was confabulated? The facility immediately separated my parents, now on separate floors and has filed a report with Adult Protective Services. I unfortunately went in after this allegation as I was told they can longer be in the same room and will have to be in separate rooms. Not having a choice, I signed the papers. Is this true? Can they separate them like this? Neither parent has a clue what happened. They are so confused and sad. They do everything for each other. Each making up for the others challenges. Dad goes to get each meal and bring it back to the room. Mom reminds dad to change to his night catheter bag and so on. They need each other and are lost without the other. With my mom being in a very fragile state, I am especially concerned about this.I will call the Ombudsman tomorrow with my questions and concerns but would love to hear from other with experience or suggestions. I feel crushed and I know they feel very broken and confused right now.

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Yes they can and in my opinion they have a duty to do just that, demented and confused people can and do injure and even kill their partners and others in care facilities. Your parents can still spend time together without sharing a room.
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Reply to cwillie
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Unfortunately, yes they can. Dementia is full of surprises and depending on which part of the brain that is being affected at that time, a person can be prone to violent outbursts both verbally and physical.

I knew a very loving couple who had been married for over sixty years, and the husband became physically aggressive with his wife knocking her to the floor. He threatened to kill her with a tire iron. Instead of calling the police, she called their son. The son moved from another state to come and help with his dad. Eventually, dad got much worse with his verbal abuse that the family had no choice but to place him. He became too much to handle.
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Reply to Scampie1
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They can, we were in the process of separating my step-father from his wife, instead he died.

He was a bossy bully; his wife was in tears most all day as all he did was yell at her. It couldn't go on, as she had dementia, mild at that time but all the upset made her become more confused.

We TT him several times about his behavior, went in one ear and out the other. There was no fixing this.

A year after he died we moved her to MC, she died a few months ago.

Old age can be so cruel, all you can do is make the right decisions for them, as they are not capable of doing so anymore.
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Reply to MeDolly
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The facility is responsible for their safety.
While family with history can know and understand some things, this isn't something that a facility can risk.
So in answer, yes, they can insist that they not be housed together, and in fact if there are outbursts they assess as violent they can insist on memory care, or--if this is a privately run facility--can even ask for a resident to leave. You will, if you read the contract for entering care at this facility, likely be able to read all of this right in the contract signed at the time they entered care.

I am glad you will call the ombudsman. And with the dementia on board here I am certain your mom and dad are sad and confused. I hope that this can be worked out, but the sad truth is that the rage some couples feel free to express in their own homes isn't going to be accepted in a public place. I am certain you can see their point because, as I said, when they take on the care of your elder they are taking on a good deal of responsibility. At this age, any acting out on rage can have disastrous effect even to and including death from a fall or push.

I am so sorry this is happening. I hope you will update us. Try to stay calm and positive in discussing this with administration there.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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