Bringing in outside help. Any advice?

My experience: Six years ago the social worker assessed my mum as needing personal care to get her out of bed, wheel her to her shower room, bathe, and dress her. I myself had been doing that but I work from home and need the morning to myself to continue my professional work. The social services appointed an agency and a care worker came in for 30 minutes each morning. My mum was against this from the start, and what should have taken 30 minutes stretched into 45 minutes as she behaved stubbornly with the care worker. She complained that she couldn't understand the care worker who had a strong African accent. Throughout the rest of the day she was resentful towards me for agreeing to the suggestions of the social worker, and eventually after three weeks, when it was time for her to have a financial assessment, she refused point blank to continue with the arrangement. It then fell upon me again to take over this responsibility, meaning I lost the time I needed for my own professional work. A year later, the social worker assessed my mum again and assessed my respite needs. She told my mum that she had no option but to accept outside help in getting up, as the situation was making my life very difficult. Interestingly, she asked my mum how old she was, then she asked her how old she had been when I was born (both questions she could answer), and then she asked her how old I was - my mother still thought of me as a young girl although I was 60 at the time. It took the social worker to convince my mum that I was no spring chicken and couldn't be expected to continue. Mum then agreed and we started with 45 minutes morning service with one care worker. After two weeks, the agency did a re-assessment, said it needed two care workers because of mum's mobility issues, and the 45 minutes was extended to one hour. Since then, there has been a gradual increase of care services to include a bed service in the evening, and a toilet service in the afternoon. My mum has come to accept this as a way of life, although she still doesn't like it because in her mind she can still do everything herself). At the same time, her dementia means that she has no idea of her money situation anyway, so I just pay these care expenses and she isn't concerned about them. The whole point I am trying to get over is that where there's opposition to any care package, you need to start small and if possible try to give the impression that the care is to help you and your husband to continue to care for your in-laws. If you had someone for 2 hours a week for just 2 weeks, then increased it to 4, you could work up to 8 or even more hours a week. Your in-laws will quickly adjust to this, especially if the person (and it should be the same person) is able to 'entertain' them with a game of cards, dominoes, looking through their old photo albums and helping them to relive holidays, etc. Regarding the caregiver, you should use either a reputable agency which has checked the references of the person concerned, or someone you know very well who can come in on a paid basis, and you should make sure that the caregiver is easily understood by them. There's a big question to ask here - do your in-laws appreciate that you and your husband are becoming housebound because of them? If not, you should alert them to that fact and point out that you're not able to conduct your own lives because of being housebound and that you need more time to do that. They may respond more positively than you think. If you are not to become extremely resentful, you and your husband need to get out of the house together.

I didn't mention in my earlier posting that in the last two years I have managed to get a week away with my husband on two occasions - all thanks to the services of a live-in carer. I have used the same carer each time and have tried to keep my mum familiar with her by asking her to come and spend a few hours with her on a regular basis to keep the confidence/relationship going. It would be lovely to have this person living in permanently but there's no room for that - when we're away on holiday, she uses our sleeping accommodation, so you need spare accommodation. Also, it's as expensive as a care facility. Maybe, you and your husband could take a holiday - your in-laws would probably agree that you needed one, and also see that whilst they think they could be left for a few hours, they wouldn't want to be left for a week or a few days. This could be your in-road into getting them to accept care.

I am an R.N. w2ho worked home health for many years with the mentally difficult clients. My first bit of advice is to remove ANY jewelry from the home-place in a locked box in a bank.
No matter what I did or who I trusted to place in the home after I made my initial assessment , I found WITH EVERY CLIENT & I did this for years, any thing of value was taken. I am in the process of bring more help into this woman's home now & my biggest fear is that things of hers will be taken. I feel as if I had failed so many of these people. Be careful with the help you get. I so wish I could tell you it was not this way but that would be a lie. People, especially those less fortunate, in all my years of experience, which is 40+ years, this happened every time.

I was a caregiver for my wife for three years. At first I could do everything needed. But as she became more ill, I couldn't do it all. I proposed hiring a housekeeper and she objected. I told it, "It's not for you, it is for me. I need this help." She later commented, "I don't know how we got along without her." I suggest letting your in-laws know, we really need help and we are going to hire some. It might work or it might not, but it did work for me.

A long time ago I was hired as a nurse at Visiting Angels. I interviewed for 45 min., was hired, and they wanted to send me out to an evaluation right that minute. They didn't know me, hadn't checked my references, hadn't done any kind of background check on me, nothing. I turned the job down.

I had a similar situation with my mother. She was in the last phases of parkinsons disease and, though I have a sister, still I was the only one tending to her needs. She didn't want anyone else in her home.

The way I got around this was to let her know it was "me" who was needing the help because I worried so much about her when I was not with her and that I needed some time for myself (without worrying). Since mother loved me, this sold her! I was, thus, able to get a nursing assistant into my home to give her daily baths, clean her room and socialize with her 4 hrs each morning 5 days a week for the remaining years of her life.

I immediately lined out a health aide through a company to come in as soon as I knew dad would be moving in. First be prepared that there might be minimal hours required each day you have her come in. Also dad did not want to pay for this and can afford it, pretty much the same as your situation. I'm DPOA for him, pay all of his other bills, after awhile he just assumed I was paying for his health aide or Medicare was, I said nothing. As DPOA I know he needs the health aide because I simply cannot do everything, I want to make sure he has everything he needs, so he needs a health aide. She comes in and sits with him so I can keep working part time, do shopping, etc... She cleans his living area, bathes him, does his laundry, nails, cuts his hair, lines out his meds and cooks his meals. She comes out for four hours every other day. I had tried two other aides, one dropped him, could not change his diaper, the other wouldn't do anything unless I told her what to do step by step. Overall, I highly recommend it, it gives you a break and them a break, and if there are any questions to your caregiving abilities from family etc..., you have a health aide/nurse, etc... to back you up

You are probably better off using an agency vs someone that does it independently. I know you said Visiting Angels, so that would be good. If your parents are connected with a church, maybe someone from there? Talk to the pastor about it for suggestions.

What kind of help do they need? Bathing, meal prep, laundry, housework, grocery shopping? Is dementia an issue?

One of many problems we have had with help at my father's is he is very hard of hearing refuses to get a hearing aide and most aides are foreign with accents. He can't understand what they are saying to him.

I've stressed this to agencies we have used but they have very few aides without accents.

Wondermomma, I know how you feel. My mom came to live with my husband and I and we always have to have someone with her because of falling issues. She is very unstable on her feet. Also, her dementia can occasionally cause delusions and she tries to exit seek. So, we are always there. If I go downstairs my husband comes up. It’s very stressful and confining. Especially since we used to travel quite often. I think that is the most stressful part of all of this. The feeling of confinement.
Recently an adult day care center has opened up here in town. I am keeping my fingers crossed that they are successful (it’s a small town). We went for an interview and mom will go for her first day in a week. If this does not work out then we are going to pursue care in our home so that we can get a break together. For now, we take breaks separately. I work out of my home and feel like I have to be there all the time while she is awake.
When my father became ill, and we moved him from the nursing home to his own home, he required nursing care for several hours each morning. We ended up hiring the same woman, on our own, for four more additional hours in the evening to set up his feeding tube and do his medications. My mom ended up loving her.
My concerns with her were that each time I went to visit (once a month for a week) was that she seemed to almost take over my parents. It was something I couldn’t pin down but it seemed like I had to remind her that she worked for us and that she wasn’t one of us. Yes, she was there for 8 hours a day helping my dad with his feedings and helping mom to keep the house clean (which was a major task), but she was there because we hired her.
My parents had a house full of collectibles. Since my mom has dementia she was always giving things away to the caregiver because she was an angel for all that she did for my mom and dad. I have no idea of what my mother gave her and I never will.
The caregiver was a great help, don’t get me wrong. Things would have been much worse if she hadn’t been there. We never would have been able to allow my father to die at home, which was his wish. But, she needed more oversight than what we were able to give. After he passed away we brought mom to live with us because we couldn’t afford to hire someone to be with her 24/7. Soon we will get her qualified for Medicaid and will have assisted living as a backup if we get to the point where are unable to handle it any longer. I have 8 living siblings and none of them are willing to have her live with them.
We have put different locks on our office doors and our personal spaces that we do not want anyone to enter. We are doing this in preparation of having someone come into our home when we are not here. I think it is better to be prepared rather than surprised later on. It may seem distrustful to do such a thing, but I feel it is the smart thing to do. Yes, companies check these caregivers out, but there is no guarantee of what may happen when we are not there. Just saying, be prepared rather than sorry.
It took some time for my mom and dad to become comfortable with someone in their own home and I am sure that it will be the same as having someone come into our home to help mom. She can still shower herself and dress herself but she forgets to eat, doesn’t clean up after herself after going to the bathroom and forgets her medications, so someone needs to be there watching her at all times.
Don’t know if I helped but it helped me to share with y’all.

is mom in rehab? I watched the aides when there was nothing going on when visiting . the ones that were asking if there was anything needed from the patients were the ones I approached to hire. talking to the other aides about them also helps. I removed all jewelry,money bank books,etc. and had clothing within reach so there would be no reason for the aide to scurry throughdrawers looking for anything. a lot of elders get robbed when napping or in the tub with aides present but remember you can find angels too. I was lucky mine came on call if there was a bathroom accident, worked 7 days a week for 12 an hr. you don't find many like that she visits my mom in rehab more than the family does keeps an eye out for me. lol. also put medications away. also look into senior companions with your local office for the aging if you have that..