Bribing doctors?

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Bribing doctors?

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Anyone who has seen my story before gets my husband’s multiple problems. He is in ICU and has been for a month. He has pleural effusion, COPD, PKD. He is on five different antibiotics and on dialysis. They have found a spot on his lung which could be cancer.

Anyway, he collects watches and had us lug his boxes to the ICU to “give” to the nurses and doctors. He now wants to buy stuff for them. I told him they already make a lot of money. If he wanted to give them a gift card or something I wouldn’t have a problem, but what is he thinking! Is he trying to bribe his way into a better diagnosis? We are middle class, not rich.

Family Caregiver Medical Care Spouse

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Well here's an update, the infection plus medication have him way in la la land. He wanted to buy a gift for his granddaughter. So, his granddaughter is disabled, she is non-verbal autistic and lives with her paternal grandmother (yes, his only late daughter's child). Aurora, the grandchild, lives in Colorado because with Mark's disabilities there's no way we could have cared for her. It's better in the long run because she's getting the greatest care: physical therapy, horse therapy, all kinds of things. Anyway, I said if you want to buy Aurora a present of course! I am more than happy for him to do so. Crazy

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Tricky! I’m currently in the process of downsizing, and if my DH would give away a few more things that are taking up space but are of little value, I would be delighted. Especially if it made him feel good. Money (ie gift cards) are a different matter altogether!

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You must have been shocked by your husband’s idea of bringing watches to the ICU. I would have found this behavior to be bizarre and would not go along with it.

First of all, doctors have enough money to buy their own expensive watches. Secondly, your husband can’t buy attention from his medical staff.

If he makes any other suggestions, tell him that gifts or tips of any kind are prohibited.

Wishing you peace as you go through this difficult time.

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Your husband is obviously suffering from some sort of hospital delirium. Just because he wants something outrageous does NOT mean you must oblige him! Offering watches, or even gift cards, to hospital staff is 100% inappropriate, period.

Next time he asks you to bring in his watches, or $100 bills from the bank, or whatever inappropriate thing, say okay honey and then arrive with a snack for him and say you forgot his watches. If he starts carrying on, ask the staff for calming meds for him.

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I am surprised they are allowing this in an ICU unit. The Staff should be refusing his gifts or at least returning them to you. Me, I would be going thru the watches looking to see if any would bring you enough money to pay that 5k advance u had to make. ( that was u wasn't it?)

By PKD do u mean the disease or that your husband has contracted Dementia from Parkinson's. If he has contracted Dementia than that is something to consider when u find out if he has lung cancer again. With all his health problems and maybe Dementia I don't think I would go thru chemo again. And with Dementia he can not make informed decisions. To be honest, chemo is very hard on the body and your husband already has so much going on. I would be surprised if chemo would even be suggested at this point. You need to protect urself financially.

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Sorry I didn't clarify, but PKD is polycystic kidney disease. It's a genetic condition where cysts grow in the kidneys. These cysts can make the kidneys grow to the size of footballs at times and have been known to weight up to 11 lbs (yeah, no joke). He has been tested for dementia and they have said he does not have it. I think it is related to a lot of medication and that he still has that bone infection and the infection is floating around his system. From what the doctors have told me, this can cause problems in his mind. For example, when he was first admitted, he had the fluid on his chest. He was hooked up to the machine pulling the fluid. His nephew, Robert and I visited, twice. He does not remember us visiting! He doesn't even remember going to the hospital.

I mentioned to him three times yesterday how I need the card to pay the bill and he said okay and now he is claiming he never heard me say it. I think it is also something with being in the ICU for a month causing him mental "brain fog." I wish the watches were worth more or were gold, but they were supposed to a hobby for him to fix up and sell, so sadly, they are not really worth much at all. I have a few still at home that would sell for a couple hundred, but I don' t have a lot of faith in his watch parts bringing much. (shrug)

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I 'bribed' my DH's liver transplant Drs with baked goods. Seriously. The week he had his liver transplant, they had a record # of them done at the same hospital. I wanted them to make sure they knew who my DH was and to keep an eye on him.

Sometimes I'd make something and keep it in DH's room..amazing how many people would come strolling in to 'check' on him and walk out with a bag of brownies. I fully know that I was bribing them---but hey, all's fair in love and war and crappy healthcare. He got more attention that way--and I have continued to do this with each of his subsequent hospitalizations over the years.

My SIL works with one of these hepatologists now that he is a fully board qualified one himself. This doc remembered me well and my treats. Drs seems to need to run on massive amounts of sugar.

I would absolutely NOT bring gift cards or tokens of appreciation.

I know how much money my SIL makes and a $10 GC to Cheesecake Factory, while nicely intended? Not going to make a hill of beans difference in the care.

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This is YOUR husband.
Are you really asking US what his motivation is?
I don't think he sounds--from your previous posts-- like a stupid man, and to think someone would think that giving a doctor a gift might make a difference to health care, is rather other worldly. I mean sort of out of the realm of the United States.
Please do ask YOUR HUSBAND what his thinking is in this matter, as we would be the last to know.

Is your husband a natural born citizen of the USA? Because in many other countries health care can depend of bribes, and especially did in the past.

This is so bizarre, quite honestly, that I am thinking that right now your husband may not be getting enough 02 to the brain. A brain deprived of oxygen can do stuff like this. I would discuss some of these more or less bizarre things with the docs and ask just that question.

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He is 100% Texan born and bred. The doctors told me that the bone infection was running through his blood causing "fuzzy thinking" and I honestly believe it. He has always liked to be nice, but this is getting on the more wacky side of things.

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Back in the 80s my Mom was an RN at a hospital in West Palm Beach, FL (where many old money people and celebrities went for medical care). Once, a very grateful patient gave her a new gold Rolex watch (worth $800).

I'm not supporting what your husband is doing, just that it isn't as unusual as you may think. He may be feeling very grateful, but he also may be having a cognitive problem created by his current health problems (like a UTI or hospital delirium or lack of oxygen caused by his COPD).

In your other post you said you had to borrow $5K for one of his treatments. Suggest to him that you sell those watches to pay off that debt instead.

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Good Sam Hospital, right? :-)

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I think part of it is that he's trying to regain control somehow and that he feels he can tip the scales in his favor if he's extra nice. The problem is he is starting a lot of fights with me. I am still managing the bills (rent, utilities, etc) and tried to reason with him that doctors are paid to take care of him and won't accept a gift except maybe a gift card which I suggested. The first two times, his nephew and I did not take the watches to the hospital, but he pitched a fit and kept texting my nephew at 2 a.m. saying they were his watches he can do what he wants with them. One nurse mentioned he had liked watches and my husband then decides to give him the whole collection (we are talking like six boxes, we took two). He has made demands before in the ICU. It used to be ding dongs and Dr. Pepper. I won't take him Dr. Pepper since he's on dialysis knowing how it can harm his kidneys. I told him that he is on a monitored diet for his kidneys.

Honestly, he's not making a lot of sense wanting to order new phones saying he can't watch the apps he likes on his old phone (he can, he just doesn't have the big screen TV like at home).

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Please do not even consider getting a gift card for any of the doctors or nurses to appease your husband. You both are not doing well financially and need to keep your money for your own household and expenses.

If he continues starting fights with you about these ridiculous things you can simply leave for the day or turn your phone off.

As for his throwing temper tantrums and texting nephew over and over at 2 am about those silly watches that's what the block feature on the phone is for. He can be unblocked later.

You can take a stand with food so you are capable of saying no to him. It sounds like he is getting some kind of cognitive issues or decline. Maybe he has a UTI.

You really need to start getting your financial ducks in a row before husband comes home from the hospital otherwise he may just bankrupt you further with his childish behavior.

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If you are in the USA "we" have been taught that TIP's are proper and expected.
Tell him that you have been told by "administration" that giving gifts to the staff is prohibited.
Tell him you can give a "collective" gift that everyone can appreciate. When you go visit him bring in a large platter or box of cookies (or candy or a basket of fruit) that you pick up from a store. Give him a card to sign so they know it is from him. And he can present it to the staff.

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When my husband is in ICU, he gets loopy. Decided the other day while there that there was no need to wear a gown or stay covered with a sheet. It was kinda funny. Except not.

Tell him "against the rules" and drop it.

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I'm pretty sure that it's against hospital policy to accept gifts - I know it was against SNF policy to accept them. It can be seen as an attempt to bribe or engineer favors.

As Igloocar says - just tell him that it's against the rules (get a nurse to agree with you if you have to). And that his gift to them is to be a good patient who complies with their requests and is kind and patient with them when they are overworked and understaffed.

And you don't have to bring anything to the hospital. He can't get to it himself, you don't have to facilitate the demands.

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What were you thinking taking all those watches to the ICU? Just because he wants something doesnt mean you have to agree with him or comply with his demands.

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Your husband's healthcare providers in the hospital could be fired if they accepted gifts from him that are worth more than a few dollars (the exact dollar amount varies by institutional policy). Just tell him that it's against the rules to make these gifts. You don't need to speculate on reasons!

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