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She told me to stop being wishey washey with my father and step up and take care of him



I told her the WW reference was rude as hell and told her to come over and see if she can do better.



She is blocked wtf with these people who have never been through this?

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Mary, wasn't it your dad who wanted you to bring him groceries in bad weather, rather than you ordering them to be delivered?

He sounds mercurial and manipulative, perhaps?

"I know what I have to do" is what another poster, Dorker's MIL used to say.

Reading that thread might be beneficial for you.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/disheartened-and-angry-428711.htm?orderby=recent
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Thank you all it's hard to take advice negative or positive

He probably would like me to visit him without all these other things but I can't go there without getting furious,

He says he knows what he has to do and doesn't do it

He has to get a new urologist, he has been to the emergency room twice in the last month, he doesn't want me to make an appt for him

wow I just answered my own question, If anyone has read about me (I appreciate it if you did) you know my family has pushed me away.

He just wants me to bring him a pizza and to go through my mom's clothes but I don't want to

I resent and am angry I am even thinking about this, it robs me of my time for my own life

My life is peaceful and good.
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Tiredniece23 Feb 17, 2024
Yep. My life has been peaceful and good, too since I stepped away. Like your dad, all my aunt wanted me to do was bring her expensive cuisines, specifically, fish/salmon with vegetables every day. She has expensive eating taste on someone else's dime.
It's your dad, and I know how you feel, but you and your peace of mind and health comes first.
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Omg. I would talk with coworkers and friends about my aunt and they would give me the look like, but that's your aunt. You need to help.
I had one coworker tell me that I can't put everything on the other family who live closer (I live 5 hours away from aunt) een though the closer relatives were trying to put it all on me. Another coworker suggested that I quit my job, give up my apartment and go and move in with my aunt to keep her out of a facility. They were making me nuts, so I stopped venting to them. I knew that I was doing all that I could and aunt was stubborn and didn't like help. I just stopped talking with these people because they honestly hadn't a clue.
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Anxietynacy Feb 17, 2024
💯 😁
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No doubt that people who have never been in your shoes will not be able to know what you’re going through.

Let’s be honest here, most people who go into caregiving have no idea what they’re in for.

The flip side though, is that real friends will always tell you the truth. Also, everyone has off days where they say things that they don’t mean or they wish they would have worded it differently.

I heard various things when I was a caregiver and I could tell who was authentic and truly cared about me and I certainly knew when it was just lip service or foolish assumptions.

Don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a therapist to discuss your concerns about caregiving.

Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult journey.
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Your profile says that your father is 50 years old and ‘living at home with age-related decline, depression, incontinence and mobility problems’. Surely the 50 is you, not your father?

If he is living in HIS home, he may be coping OK. If he is not OK (and incontinence which is not coped with can quickly become ‘not OK’) perhaps ‘stepping up’ might mean dealing with it – but not by becoming his carer. BF just might be saying that it’s worse than you think.

Otherwise yes it’s rude and stupid, but you don’t need to lose friends just because they don’t have much experience – or perhaps sent the text after too much booze? Perhaps you could ask about the latter?
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Mary444 Feb 16, 2024
I am 60 and yes my father is 88 I better fix the profile
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Have lunch and go shopping with your bff. Stop talking to her about this situation with your father because you WILL get advice that you WON'T like. That's human nature. So now you're super mad at your bff and have her blocked. What's that accomplished? Dad's managed to stress you out yet again and get you SO RILED UP you've gotten mad at someone you love.

Your bff is not the enemy. She just doesn't understand the whole dysfunctional family dynamic going on, nor should she.
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Mary444 Feb 14, 2024
You are right
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Like Barb said, read Mary's previous posts.

Dad does not have a POA from what I read. So Mary has no authority there. She was told early on to leave Mom and Dad alone because they did not need her help. Sister was POA for Mom at that time. Mom has died, leaving Dad behind who wants things his way. To the point he wanted Mary to get groceries over to him inca snowstorm. She has tried to back away because Dad is too demanding. He won't allow her to order groceries and have them delivered. To care for Dad means doing it all his way when he wants it. Thats not possible when Mary has a life of her own.

Mary, stop complaining to the friend. Do what you need to do for you. You set the boundaries. If Dad doesn't like them then "oh well Dad, this is what I can do". He needs you more than you need him. You may want to quote Burnt's saying "you get into a nursing home quicker by being stubborn". (Something to that effect) Without that POA you can't even help him when he becomes incompetent. He will become a ward of the State and they will make his decisions for him. You may want to tell him that. Tell him you are willing to help but he needs to realize you have a life that does not revolve around him. He needs to be flexable, compromise. For you having his groceries delivered is convenient because u do not have the time to shop. There are things he needs to do for himeself. There are resourses he can take advantage of.

My mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way" Meaning I will gladly help you find resources but you need to take advantage of them.
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Mary444 Feb 16, 2024
Thank you !
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You have been told BY YOUR FAMILY to step away.
By your FRIEND to step up.
You must at this point be very confused indeed, Mary.

My advice would be to STEP AWAY, but you haven't listened to me yet.
The point here is, what use to you is all this differing advice.
As Dr. Laura says, just "be polite, and move on".

It sounds like things are not a whole lot different, but I am hoping you are well and glad of your update.
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Mary444 Feb 16, 2024
thank you
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There is an undeniable learning curve in caregiving. No one can imagine it unless they've been through it. Similar to parenting (what I call The Great Equalizer... no matter what your IQ, financial resources or power, everyone goes into it with the same amount of knowledge: 0). We're all clueless at the starting line, and the stuff we *think* we know is all wrong, too.
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I do know that friends & possibly other family members get tired of hearing one's trials and tribulations regarding the caregiving of another.

If you cannot talk to them without complaining about your care giving problems, it gets old. Same applies if a wife talks about nothing but her husband.

I do not know what you are wishy, washy about however sometimes a LO is too close to the situation and does not see the forest through the trees and the friend does.

I always try and look at the other persons viewpoint before dismissing their input.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 15, 2024
So true! Let me tell you that I know a few people that really should be divorced.

Hey, if they told me that they were finally going to get a divorce, I would offer to throw them a huge divorce party!🎈
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Read Mary's other posts

Her parents steadfastly refused her help, except when her father demands that she go out in ice and snow to deliver his groceries. No home delivery for him.

Sister holds POA.

Mother recently passed away.

Mary would like to help, but with appropriate boundaries for her own health and sanity.
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Others outside of the situation always know better and know "exactly" what they would do in your shoes. It's much easier for someone on the outside to weigh in because they don't have a stake in it.

That being said, if she is truly your bestie - she will have your best interests at heart. And may also be able to see things that you are too close to see.

We don't have enough details to really weigh in fully. But one of the issues with caregiving is how easy it is to push away those around us - who could be a support system - because we feel very strongly one way and don't want to hear anything different.

If she is well meaning and wanting to help you - don't push her away. Perhaps she can shed more light on why she feels that way - or may tell you that she is worried about you and wants you to be able to live your life. It likely nothing against your mother, it is more for your protection.

Take careful steps and look at the whole situation - don't push her away when it may just be a communication issue. Blocking someone who is truly important to you because they don't agree with you - is how people end up with no one else when the person you are caregiving for is gone.

She can't "do it better" than you - but she may see that you are burnt out and need a break and she's worried.
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emccartt Feb 21, 2024
Nothing is too much trouble for the person who doesn’t have to do it.
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Yes more info would be helpful, but Ill tell you, it really is true you really do find out who you're friends are in times of trouble.

A long time childhood friend of mine, I was there though both of her parents death. Didn't want to be bothered by my complaining and venting.

Another friend, told me ya just do what ya have to do. I took my mother in law in for 8 yrs, she said
Well her cheese fell of her cracker , after a year of her mother in law. And I saw what it did to her, and didn't want that for me.

Some well meaning good people, just really said some stupid things

One friend apologized after taking her mom shopping . And said I get it now.

Anyways the best support and help I've gotten in a short amount of time is here.
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LilyLavalle Feb 14, 2024
Love this post, especially the part about the friend apologizing after taking her mom shopping lol. People who haven't done it just don't get it.
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I am sure you are frustrated. Perhaps if you explain the situation with some more detail you might get helpful advice.

Many here including me experienced relatives and friends who formed their own opinions regarding the managing of our parents care once they were declining. I was accused of forcing my mother out of her apartment with little regard to the serious declining I was witnessing. It often becomes quite a saga. I simply had to tell myself I was doing my best to protect my mother from a safety perspective as well as a financial one as a sea of red flags became evident. I hope you find some support.
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