I am daughter, conservator, and part time caregiver of my 96 yo mother. Lives in own home with my son there in PM; 2 other part time caregives. Occasionally my son, 23 yrs old, is out of town. As I work and also do work from home I will have my mother spend the night only with me, then I can take her back home in the AM before work to meet the caregiver. This recent time she has refused to go. We have an alarm system with 3 video cameras so I can survey her live but this is very unideal in case there is an emergency. She has early dementia but functions well. Mostly stubborn. She recently disarmed the alarm in the middle of the night which I can set remotely. Refuses to wear her Life Alert ADT Home pendant. She is hearing impaired and does not need to live alone. There has been no respite care for me - I am disabled but working. Please advise strategies as she is very controlling and not cognizant about her vulnerability of being alone. As conservator over her person and estate I have the legal RIGHT to make decisions but she digs her heels in and says "I'm not going anywhere" and would literally need to be carried out kicking and screaming, which would elevate her blood pressure, which she warns about. It is not convenient for me to stay there and this is a small concession to ask of her -- generally about 8 days/year total, divided times. Despite me being conservator, she does what she wants from dietary indiscretion, etc. which I let go; safety is another issue. Of note, there has been no respite care for me, her sole helper in the family as my siblings do nothing. I have a caregiver that can sleep over but my mother would demand that she leave as soon as I left. Should I arrange for her to stay in an Assisted Living Facility for 1 week as respite care to set the stage? Also, in the near future we are planning to do some window replacement of her triplex and much needed interior repairs -- which her primary doctor adamantly stated that she needs to live with me temporarily. How can this be enforced and not cause ill health?
Long answer is that her dementia is going to get worse and there are many tough things to ask yourself about choosing the balance of safety versus happiness that is really best for her. That balance could be well outside your comfort zone. If her cognitive issues are mild currently, this might be your window of opportunity to have a social worker, psychologist, or other geriatric expert person have some counseling sessions with both of you to try to set optimal limits and consequences for her decisions and behavior. Letting her use her blood pressure as a method of getting her way in things will only reinforce tantrums, and is not a good precendent!!