I am 24/7 in mother's tiny 2/2 house in a 55 and over community. My own empty home with 4 bedrooms and a pool sits empty 30 mins away. Asked my brother to come visit with his mother so I could get a break and change of scenery ( I am working on long range plans)... he told me I can just go in the other room ( guest bedroom with a hi- riser bed and her beanie baby collection) and close the door any time I need a break..that I could still hear mom call if she needs to go to the bathroom !!!
Anyone else have an absurd sibling comment to share ???
I heard this a few years ago, never forgot. I was venting over some issue...
sister said: relax and have a drink
Family members were taking turns staying with her while we found a caretaker. One (usually very vocal) niece was asked to take a shift. She never showed up. She was called and asked “what happened?”
She said “Oh, I called aunt and asked if I needed to come over and she told me she didn’t need any help”. Niece didn’t find it necessary to let anyone else know.
“ Didn’t aunt tell you?”
P.S. that is not true.
1. I have heard the "relax and have a drink" statement that wally003 mentions. As if having a drink will truly help at all.
2. Another favorite of mine is "Don't worry, you'll get it all done somehow" and this is said without any offer of assistance.
3. And last, one more favorite is "You're STILL working on_____? I'd have thought you'd be done with THAT by now!"
The very worst was when I had my Dad (with dementia) in the hospital with pneumonia, my Mom (with dementia) at home with bronchitis, me with a cold (and a project due that week for work).. and begging for help. That's when I got the I can't help because it just isn't a good time for me.. just too much going on! That's the sibling that answered at all.. the other one just did not return my call or text.
Its hard not to feel resentment and wishing they could feel how totally desperate, scared and alone I was at that time.. they will never know though.
I feel your pain.
My aunts say, " You will have plenty of time to travel when your Mom dies."
"She won't last like this much longer."
"You will have plenty of time to go out when your Mom dies."
If I ask them for a day of respite...
"What if she dies on me? It is too hard to see her like this!"
I see her everyday like THIS! It is hard for YOU?
So annoying!
Shoot me now!
And then there is the old, he really doesnt seem so bad, surely it isnt that bad.....months later the cops come calling about someone who will not stop driving and has already driven into a bank.
The non custodial kids just enjoy their own reality and their own bubble!
1. "Because of my heart, I am on borrowed time."
2. "I'm bipolar."
3. "I have a lot going on at work, but appreciated everything you do."
4. "I live too far away, besides its more your house than it is ma's."
My poor wife!
No prayer of anyone else helping this particular person.
This is usually quickly followed by "Don't forget your own children need you and they are being exposed to all your STRESS - which is not good for them."
But THAT is never followed by an offer to assist. Don't people listen to themselves??
AnybodyOutThere: All I can say is WOW. That's some brother you've got there. Lunch plans?
From another sister retired also - "I have fibromyalgia, sweat like a pig and change my bed sheets a dozen times a night - I cannot give you a night off"......Charming!!!!
So many more.
But now Dear Dad has died, there is 100% increased interest in Mum's finances! God bless you all out there as this is the most difficult of all.
OverTheEdge--I've heard that verbatim more times than I can count. Usually
in response to me stating that I need help with something minor because I'm dealing
with father's care. It's a particularity sh***y way to say no to a request for help. Basically shaming you because you're saying you could use some help.
Now the oldest one is sending me FB messages, asking me when and if I'm having a memorial service so they can "say goodbye" and asking me questions like "what happens now?". Excuse the language but what balls.
Now that she's passed the one comment I keep getting is "you gotta find a job", as if a) I don't realize that already, b) that after two and a half years of daily caretaking duties I'm suddenly ready to spring right back into action and c) I'll be able to take care of the insurance and probate duties on my lunch break.
Praying that the passing of time will ease your sorrow and surround you with comforting memories.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles.....” 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
last days without caring to connect. Especially after your mom gave of herself so much.
It seems as if people think that caregiving mainly involves occasional trip to doctor and
watching TV and eating bonbons. I don't know how they have that impression, maybe
so they can live with themselves for not pitching in.
Don't let anyone pressure you one way or another. Caregiver's syndrome is real. It can
take awhile to bounce back from exhaustion.
'I confirm that I am unable to offer any cover'
'When I have said I can't do something I don't need to say why!'
Ummm... who decided it was MY role?????? I don't recall being given an option.