I deleted my previous profile, but I'm back. Some may recall, my dad passed at my parents home July 14th hours after his 2nd chemo treatment. My mom refuses to take steps to stay at her house.
She is very broken, I see it. I personally feel she has to take steps to be at her house. I've given up on asking her to stay a night or 2 there with my brother or husband and now simply suggest going home a few hours to do something. Her response is "what for!" I told her because she has too and she states, "no, not really the house is fine."
Without listing every conversation and ways I've tried to help, she is just blinded by it all and in complete fear of being alone. She has never been alone.
Anyone else have parent move in following other parents death?
I personally feel she is making this situation much more complicated than needed.
Do not get me wrong, my mom has been everything to everyone her whole life. She is loving and caring and doesn't have any bad intentions. She truly is in fear of the life ahead.
Mom is seeing counselor.
She would have others around her, she can remain active as much as she wants but she can have her "quiet" time when she wants.
For her to move in with you is a big step.
the questions you need to ask is
Do you want to be her caregiver in the maybe near future?
Is your house able to be set up for someone that uses a walker?, a wheelchair?, is there a shower that can easily be used?, stairs?, I could go on but you get the idea.
If you do not want mom moving in then you need to set boundaries ASAP and stick to them. She may not like it but you have to adhere to boundaries you set.
I am 41, kids 13 and 11.
Your mother does not 'need' to horn in on YOUR life. You have two young children who need to be your primary focus in life, not a self sufficient and healthy YOUNG mother of 67. Multi generational living often affects the CHILDREN most of all, especially if/when resentment kicks in and arguments happen between the adults. The children get affected by this worst of all, I know.......I was a casualty of just such a situation myself. You yourself are very young at 41 to be saddled with a mother taking away your privacy 24/7. I am 65 years old and would NEVER think of moving in with either of my kids if my DH passed away (God forbid). That's the honest truth, too.
Grief is a terrible thing. But people move past it and on with their lives in time. Unless they are taken in by their daughter and then they don't HAVE to move on with their lives and find hobbies or join clubs or go on cruises or make friends. YOU will be her entertainment!
Get her set up in a senior Independent Living community apartment building where she can have a new life of her own. There will be plenty of widows there she can have a rapport with. When dad died, mom was 88 and living in AL; if it wasn't for that, I don't know HOW she would have survived, to be honest. She'd never done anything alone or w/o dad. But the ladies rallied around her and dragged her out of her room and down into the dining room, out to play cards, to the movies being shown in the library, to do crafts, out on the mini bus to the grocery store or wherever the bus was going, and so she went. And she got out of her own head and on with life, little by little. It wasn't even that she missed dad so much....it was that she'd never lived ALONE. And I wasn't inviting her to live with me, not after having that dreadful experience with my grandmother! No way. So AL saved everyone's life after dad died. Senior living will do the same for your mother IF you do not take her into your home. It's not out of 'meanness', it's out of forcing HER to create a new life for HERSELF.
Wishing you the best of luck.
I feel every word of what you shared 100%. You get it! That makes me feel better. I wish she felt the same. She has repeatedly asked why I can't just give her time, understanding and know that everyone griefs differently. I have told her I understand all that however that does not mean she avoids her house. I am not asking her to speed through her grief! It only prlongs the inevitable. She gets extremely sad that I am not understanding. She is an angel and does help when here but it's not the point! I want her to so badly understand that. I too see, the minute I open that door for her to live here, it's going to be permanent and I just can't go there! But I know, that is what she is waiting for.
It angers me so badly she for what I feel ... that she is complicating everything
It angers me so badly she for what I feel ... that she is complicating everything!
Is it your Mom who said give her 6 months she would go home? Then it was she wasn't moving back to her home because Dad had died there?
My suggestion was leaving her off at home during the day and work into needing to stay alone on weekends.
Good she is seeing someone but she is going to have to return home. She needs to be alone to grieve. She is just delaying the inevitable. She needs to eventually move on with her life. 67 is not old.
You can only change your own behaviors.
Are you seeing a therapist?
I do not recommend moving your Mom in with you. What about selling her home and moving her to independent living to be with other people, possibly new friends, if financially possible?
Although she is 67 now (same age as myself!), she may require caregiving responsibilities at some point in her life. If you do, are you prepared for this loving undertaking??
You have enough on your hands with your Own Family and hopefully a good job for your own welfare.
This is so difficult. The marriage of previous generations seem to have a deeper bond and it's so hard if they marry young and spend a lifetime together.
This is probably the hardest thing your mother has had to do. My own humble opinion, any woman in a house alone at night is never a good idea.
Once your loved one passes, it's never the same. For safety reasons, isolation/socialization I am a firm believer in in-law apartments, senior housing, studio apartments and joining a senior citizens group.
When my grandmother moved into our family home, when you just "took people in" as was the standard in the 1970's my mother bought 2 dozen of donuts and had my grandmother start a senior citizen group. 350 people showed up in the Church hall. "Nana" nominated herself President. My mother had wisdom.
I know not everyone can do this but do you see my point. My grandmother lived on a small pension. My mother picked up on it that Nana's quality of life would be better with us. When she moved into our home she would remark, "everyday is like Christmas"!
I echo the question about whether or not you are seeing a counselor for yourself. Your mother's counselor is only concerned for her, and who knows? Many people think elders SHOULD move in with their daughters, so the counselor could even be encouraging it. You need to see a counselor for YOUR needs.
I don't remember if you wrote it previously (since you deleted your profile), but why isn't your brother also being badgered this way by your mother?
What are your mother's finances? If she sold her house, could she afford some type of IL or senior apartment?
The longer things go on the way they are, the harder it will be to get her out of your house.
We did find a place and she lived twenty years independently, six years assisted in her condo with our daily support and two years memory care with my daily support and finally 35 days in skilled nursing after breaking her hip. She passed at 100 yrs and 35 days.
Close to us. Repeat it till it comes naturally to your lips.
Your mother needs help with cleaning out the house. She doesn’t have the energy to do so herself and to expect her to do it is unreasonable. She also doesn’t want to be alone.
Your mother should attend grief counseling. It would tremendously. It would also help for her to spend time every day at her home to decide what she wants to do. She also should have a visit with her PCP for help in recovery since she probably is depressed.
Failure to communicate with family on desires for old age is unacceptable and one can not expect family to take older family members in to take care of them, because most work outside the home.
In independent living, there are activities, excursions, exercise classes, one communal meal and the ability for her to go on vacation with you if you want to include her or for her to go on her own if she so desires. It also provides a transition to when additional care is needed.
My Granny lived with my parents and family. It was a huge sacrifice on my mother’s part, but my Granny was a sweet woman and my mother a very determined woman. It won’t work for those people who like to fight, don’t cooperate or don’t have the inclination or time to be caregivers. My mother’s work allowed flexibility to address doctor visits, taking granny to social events, hosting social events for her, etc. Your family commitment doesn’t sound like it would allow you to do the same.
Instead, I would point out that she can’t continue to live with you. You need your space and you may not want to end up in an elder care situation. I don’t know how old your mother is, but she should be able to socialize with her peers. Isn’t she interested in the world around her, interested in doing adult activities? What does she do with her time?
The counselor should be working with her to figure out what she wants out of her life. That means works towards a future that provides more independence for her and for you and your family.
When my dad lost my mom he had zero interest in going out and being social and still does not. So many friends told me to get him to a senior center to socialize and make new friends and he has ZERO interest. After suggesting it multiple times, I have to respect that choice. Sometimes what we think is best is not, or what we think is easy and makes sense is not for a grieving widow/er. She is not ready. It’s frustrating I’m sure. I’m there with you.
try to remember it has only been 6 months. If you can get her to talk to you about her feelings ask her why she doesn’t want to go back and maybe she will open up and you can go back together a little at a time.
I will pray for you. I know this isn’t easy.
I do know people whose mother was "afraid" to be alone in home all her life, even before the death of spouse and, when spouse died, of course it continued. Although she found some way eventually to stay a while in the home alone, she soon began staying with one of her children more and more while going back and forth to " her home" to " check on it" . Years went by, she remained with children and frankly one adult child became co-dependent with her and contributed to enabling the behavior. The mother would NEVER sell her house and always wanted to share with others about having a lovely home of her own; she could not or would not keep up the needed repairs on the home and, hence its condition deteriorated . Bad situation all the way around, but she got her way and , the adult child who enabled it with their own insecurities and need to 'stand out' as the one " caring for mama" etc etc but at the same time cursing the situation and yelling and screaming about how she "couldn't do it all, just kept contributing to the mother being allowed to carry on....
House declined in condition , mother died at the adult child's house eventually thinking that she was ' leaving a great gift ( the house) to her children' when in reality it was a burden and, great effort to get rid of it.
Woe to the ones facing similar circumstances.....
We all knew Dad was dying, but I was totally in denial because I had not gone through anything like it before. I also didn't really think she was moving in with me -- both of them had talked about selling the house and moving into an 55+ complex or building an in-law suite or little guest house behind my house. Then Dad got cancer and was gone w/in a year and all of a sudden (to me) Mom was like "I'm moving in with Sandola."
I couldn't say no, so she moved in and it was great in some ways - she cleaned the house everyday and had dinner ready when I got home from work, but we are so similar that we butted heads too much and she moved to a 55+ complex a few months later, saying "This is too far from town and no one comes to visit." Which was true -- I am not on anyone's way home or close by for anyone to stop over at lunch which she had gotten used to during the year Dad was sick.
I think it would have been fine if we had the in-law suite or little guest house, but we moved our daughter into the smaller third bedroom and Mom into the second bedroom and we were all on top of each other it felt like. Plus, I didn't know how to deal with her grief and neither did she. She didn't want to go to any of the grief groups or any kind of counseling. I was not aware of this AgingCare message board or AgingCare at all. I was totally clueless. My siblilngs were no help. I'm sorry I don't have much advice for you, but I know what you are going through. It is frustrating, it can make you feel sad, angry and guilty -- all of that. You are not alone.
When she first posted, before the holidays, I suggested that Mom go home during the days and pick her up for dinner and allow her to stay there. Then work into sleeping in the house on weekends. IMO is learning to be alone is part of the grieving process. It gives you the ability to cry it all out and scream when she wants to. By staying in Tulips house, she is not allowing herself to really grieve.
I don't see why Tulip needs therapy, I understand fully how she feels. Her mother needs the therapy to learn that she cannot lean on her daughter forever. That she need to move forward. Her husband died in their home, one reason why she does not want to go back. Maybe the house should be sold. It may be therapeutic to clean out the old life and start a new one.
Mom says Tulip just does not understand. Understanding is a 2 way street. Mom needs to understand, too, that her living there is causing Tulip some anxiety. Growing up I was very close to my Mom. To the point when she told me to get the whatchamacallit I knew what she was talking about. Mom had some surgery and she stayed with me for about two weeks. It was no longer how it was when I lived with her. I was now an adult used to doing things my way. I had raised 2 kids and kept a home. We didn't communicate the same way. It was more like having a visitor. Hard to discribe but I think she was just as glad to get home as I was her going.
Mom said to give her 6 months. Its 6 months. I really think the longer she is in your home, the harder it is going to take to get her back into her home. I still think she needs to go home during the day. When she asks why, tell her time to clean out Dads stuff. Its part of the grieving process and she should be the one to clean out. She needs to have a good cry and except he is gone and she must move forward.
I really don't think your enabling her because u have been telling her before the holidays she needs to go home. But maybe she is enabling herself. She needs to understand and her therapist too, her living with you is not a long-term option. Maybe you can write the therapist and explain this to him/her so that can be worked on during a session and how Mom was fully independent before this. You have no idea what Mom is telling him. "Oh yes, living with my daughter is a God send." "No, my daughter does not mind me living with her" "I am hoping my daughter allows me to continually live with her".
Its said that when losing a spouse, do not make major decisions for a year. Shortly, Mom is going to need to decide what she is going to do about the house and her life. You need to make it clear that living with you indefinitely is not an option. You have given her 6 months as asked. Its not that you don't love her, just can't have her living with you. Time for a new chapter in her life.
Right now she is at totally loose ends and being in her house is overwhelming. She is unable to concentrate on any given task. If someone were to go with her for an hour to do a specific task, like clean out the refrigerator, or change the bed, it would be a tiny building block toward restoring perspective. Start with one small thing to be done. That's it. Then leave. Another day--another task. You or she can even keep a physical list of things accomplished. Celebrate any accomplishment. Once when I was actively grieving and in total mental flux, I found a large slotted spoon in a seldom-used kitchen drawer. I moved that spoon to an every day drawer. Other than having gotten out of bed, that was all I accomplished that day, and I was so PROUD of that task that I cherished it for days afterwards. Nine years later, I still use that slotted spoon almost every day and still remember how excited I was to have managed that task.
One day when I was actively
You wrote, "Don't let it be or see it has a burden to have your mom move in with you. Let it be a blessing . You are lucky you still have your mom. " Can I ask, how long did she live with you? Was she ever bedridden, total care? Or was she able to engage with the family?
I have had people speak of the blessing of still having your mom, but I want to also see it as a blessing not to have to stop my life to provide total care to a mother who can do more. I have to be honest with myself, it is a blessing and curse all in one. I am just physically and mentally tired. I feel lost.
Thanks for the encouragement.
When my husband and I divorced, I had never lived alone. I ran away and left my husband and mom in the house. By that time, my kids were gone. I had timers on so I returned to a house witih lights on and music playing. I had the neighbor's dog go in first. I figured if someone was in there she would warn me. I would give the dog a treat a let her out. I had my so called "survivor" tapes I played, like Arrowsmith, AC/DC, Elvis, and others. If you enable her, she will never learn to live alone.
Remember, she will never understand because she doesn't want to. Too bad you have kids at home, otherwise you could just tell her you love to have wild naked sex on the couch and it is just too weird with her in the house LOL. And your sex life WILL suffer with her there.