Any suggestions what to do about my mom refusing to socialize in independent living?

A key point I read here is "I've tried for months to change her habits but nothing is working."

You cannot change her.
I wouldn't call her behavior habits.

It sounds like you do not understand what is going on with her, psychologically and/or cognitively. And you are at your wits end 'trying' to figure it out, while exhausting yourself and feeling angry.

* Realize that you need to set limits although to do that, you must recognize what you have been doing - adjusting to her desires, ignoring your own life / needs. You need to realize there is a 'you' inside you that needs a life, 'TOO' - Hence, boundary setting.

* There are reasons why your mom changed. And it is likely a multitude of reasons:
- Covid changed a lot of people. The isolation was psychologically difficult / requiring the adjustment of being alone.
- That she no longer takes care of her dog (no walks) and other things you say tells me that she is depressed.

I am curious that you didn't mention any medical assessments.
Did / has she gone to an MD?
Do you go with her?
Did you think that she needs to see an MD / medical provider?

She needs a medical assessment.

Realize that - as you say: "I become mean and resentful" - (I presume that) you are doing this because you feel you 'have to xxx" and then you feel stuck. You are not listening nor even asking or realizing that is a 'you' inside you that has needs and feelings too (as I said above). You have / are giving all your power away to your mom.

Of course, this is hard for you. You do not want to see her suffer.

However, when you allow her to rely on you (taking the place of relationships she had or could re-/develop now with seniors her own age, you are short changing her - and yourself.
- Instead of being there - the 'replacement' of the community,' encourage her to go to events and mingle, even if you need to go with her a couple of times. Introduce her to people and then leave for a while, saying you'll come back later.

I wonder if her brain is changing to the degree that she is scared and cannot hold a conversation with others nor remember. Although MANY people with dementia hold 'amazing' conversations - as they often forget and/or are on different cognitive realms / tracks and it doesn't matter. And, there are parts of them / their brains that still work and enjoy the company of friends - making new friends.

If I were you, I would first get her medically assessed.
She may need medication for depression.
She may not be able to care for her dog any longer. You will need to be strong and re-act confidently in your decision when you tell her that if she doesn't / cannot walk her dog ... take him / her out regularly (2 or 3 x a day), that she will need to surrender the dog.

Mother daughter relationships are not (necessarily / always) easy.
Mine sure wasn't.

Give her the opportunity to develop friendships where she is.
Do not continue to take that away from her.

* Talk to the social worker. They will help you work through this.
* Perhaps some residents could call her to say hello.
* Other residents might be able to escort her to events.

She will continue to depend / lean on you as long as you allow this. When you stop, she has to change 'somehow.'

Learn to understand what is running you.
Learn to / how to set boundaries with your mom (and understand how this feels to you when you do).

Decide: How much time you spend with her.
She will not like you setting boundaries / limits as this is new and affects her. You have become her security blanket and you are now taking that away. She is scared (and depressed).

Really listen to her; ask open ended questions.
How does she feel about her dog?
Who / what people doesn't she like? It cannot be everyone.
Why doesn't she go to activities ? try new ones?
How does she feel about herself. Have you asked her?

Lastly, NEVER ARGUE. This is a no win strategy. Do reflective listening.
"I hear you saying xxx".

Gena / Touch Matters

I'm not sure how old your Mom is, but it sounds like she needs to see her doctor for a check up. Her declining health could be a combination of things-depression, pain, dementia, uti and/or other conditions. I would put down some pee pee pads for the dog and really clean and de-scent the carpet stains and odors. Maybe you/she could hire someone once a week to clean other areas and do laundry. The pads could stay down for a few days-better than the carpet. With the right medications, hopefully your Mom will improve. I would suggest some physical therapy at her home a couple times a week.
To reduce anxiety, I would not go into this with high expectations for improvement. I would think managing her care and putting care givers in charge for part of time if possible until improvement is seen. It will be a continual transition to more advanced care eventually. You could get a camera installed so that you could monitor her on your phone, get her a medical alert system, and maybe others (friends, community, church) to check on she and her dog regularly. I'm sorry for your distress, but most of us understand the process, and it is not easy and often very time consuming. Pray on it and make time for your own care and interests. All the best!

I had a very similar situation with my mom. My dad passed in April of 2020 (beginning of Covid). I moved her to a retirement village with plenty of people to socialise with - knitting clubs, etc but she just wouldn't try. I started getting cross with her for not trying as she's always been a very social person. She later told me that she was so scared someone was going to ask her a simple question that she couldn't answer - like where she previously lived - that she just didn't want to be in that situation. It was then that I realised it wasn't stress symptoms (like the Doctor suggested) but the start of vascular dementia that was causing her memory issues and affecting her self confidence. It was sadly soon after that that she fell and broke her hip and I had to move her to frail care.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this - it's so difficult and I also had her asking to come live with me. I have lots of stairs in my house and I'm not home most of the day so it was actually more dangerous for her to stay with me. She also gets up 2-3 times in the night to use the toilet which I just wouldn't have coped with. She didn't listen to the carers at frail care when they asked her to please press the buzzer when she needed to get out of bed to go to the toilet and subsequently fell and broke the other hip. She now has a 24-hour carer in frail care to make sure doesn't hurt herself again.

MomOfFour4: She may need to see her physician for depression. Letting a dog use the carpet as its toilet is abnormal behavior.

Your mother needs to be assessed by her PCP immediately to further assess the reasons associated with these big changes. She could have multiple things happening with both either or her physical, mental, emotional health. You need to get her to her PCP ASAP , get a new " level of care needs" assessment. She may need AL or skilled care vs independent living.
Then you can go from there. Have PCP assign a Geriatric Case mgr or Licensed SW to her; this person can both help her and you going forward in many ways toward accurate discernment of needs, coping skills for you both and many other things.

Adult Protective Services needs to contact the facility director about living conditions and HAZMAT cleaning.

Make an appointment for you and mom with a Geriatric Psychiatrist (who can medicate depression).

Sounds like it's time to move Mom to Assisted Living and rehoming the dog to a family who will retrain the dog to relieve himself/herself outside. DO NOT volunteer to be a caretaker, it will ruin your relationship and your life (as you wish it could be). Be sure to find Assisted Living with an Activities Director.

In hindsight, one of my mother’s first symptoms of her cognitive decline was refusing to socialize. An extrovert, she had loved to be the centre of attention. She made up all kinds of excuses - other seniors were too old, she didn’t like them anymore, they didn’t know her history so she couldn’t discuss her life with them. She wanted me to be her sole source of entertainment. But if I forced her into a social situation, she lit up. She was the belle of the ball at her brother’s funeral.

Now, she’ll complain that she’s lonely and nobody visits, but maybe 1 out of 4 or 5 times tell us to leave the moment we arrive, because she doesn’t feel like having visitors. You may not be able to fix your mother’s social life.

I went through the same thing with my mother. She said she was walking her dog when in reality she relied on pee pads. That worked to some extent but he then seemed to have decided any floor treatment, like her oriental rug, was a pee pad. She has always been very active and social but she was just sleeping in most of the day then watching tv. She has improved greatly and is enjoying life again but it has take a team of wonderful people to get her to that point.
First I lucked out and found a great geriatrician who started working on her physical issues such as better control of diabetes. At my request she also tested her for depression and cognitive issues and found she was dealing with both. She then started my mother on antidepressants. She has been following my mothers health closely, in fact I have to go shortly to take her to an appointment.
I was lucky again when a friend of mine, who is an RN and had lost both of her parents a short while before, offered to spend a few days with my mother to catch up on cleaning and other projects and to let me know how she was really doing. My mother doesn’t like one of my dogs for the way he barks so I don’t spend nights with her and she lives two hours away. I think the fact that it was a friend of mine who had visited her on occasion helped a lot since she had been adamant that she did not need help. We then hired my friend to spend a few days each week with her.
When it became apparent that she needed to be checked daily to make sure she was taking her meds we hired another, local, RN to help her on the other days. She really objected and still says she doesn’t like her but they seem to get along when together. My mother has always had trust issues. The new woman started to take her to the movies at the senior complex’s main building (my mother has a cottage) and also looked for other things to do with her. Both of them walk her dog and are encouraging her to join them on the walks when the weather is nice. My mother now asks them what the plans are for the day when they come and even ate at the dining hall after a movie and got to talking with some other residents! It has taken two years to get to this point and a wonderful team. The doctor recently said that she was really at the stage for assisted living but that she seemed to be good for now. We do have to keep reminding her that without both caregivers she would have to be in assisted living and that helps her accept the help.
In summary I think that finding a good doctor to control all medical issues as well as test and treat her depression, finding daily help for her who are also willing to walk her dog, a lot of hard work, and, in my case, a lot of luck in finding good people has made a huge difference. Nothing will stop the cognitive decline but she is doing things and enjoying life again. One last note, she does try to discontinue the antidepressant occasionally since she says she isn’t depressed now so we keep having to remind her that she isn’t depressed because she is taking the meds! I am on them myself and I know how hard and fast the depression can return if you stop.
Good luck!

Your post sounds like my experience with my mom. It became so much worse after my dad passed. Could very well be depression or dementia. Communicate with her primary about some testing and possible medication.

In the meantime can you find someone to foster her pup? Its neglect to have him live that way.

Have you thought about hiring a caregiver to visit early in the morning so she can encourage your Mom to go to breakfast.. Also the caregiver can take her to activities until she finds the activity she likes and goes herself. I 'm 84 and live in independent living and there are many activities. Some of the women and men do have caregivers who take them to activities during the day, and to meals if necessary. Me personally, I don't do many activities because I have much to do to downsize and get a lot less paperwork done. But, there are activities I participate in, and I don't miss happy hour, at which we usually have a musician to entertain us. I particularly chose independent living vs living alone to be with people. Maybe you can take some days for a week or few days to attend meals with her, and activities to get her started, or hire a caregiver to help in that. Some residents here do that. Good luck and bless you for caring for your Mom.

I agree with the posters who urge you to get your mother to her doctor. Review the change in her behavior with her doctor and they should run some tests which will probably lead to some changes to her meds. We went through a very similar situation with my mother (who turns 75 this year) and we found out she has dementia. Doc set her up with mental health services, tweaked some meds, and we have seen a huge improvement. We're not looking forward to the road ahead but we're happy things are better for now.

Your Mom sounds depressed. Please get her evaluated.

Please get her evaluated by a medical doctor and a psychiatrist. Depression is very common among seniors. There are medications that can help. I suggest an appointment with a medical doctor to rule out medical issues like low thyroid hormone levels, chronic infection, or anemia that is sapping her energy.

Your mom needs a full work up at the doctor.
You need to realize her social life is not your responsibility.
Not wanting to socialize with others there is not my concern but no longer walking the dog is a big red flag. Hire a dog walker at the least.
She is no long Independent. She needs assisted living.
Do not even consider having her move in, it will not end well.

Hi--You need to get her to her doctor, letting the doctor know ahead of time about the behaviors you're seeing. Things like depression, thyroid issues, a UTI, and dementia all need to be ruled out.

What does your Mom say when you discuss all of the above with her?
Because much of this depends upon THAT.
I, for instance, need very little to keep me content.
You describe your Mom, however, as depressed.
So she may need more outlets or she may need to try some medication or see a doctor about this. But without discussing all this with her, how would you know where to start?

About answering the door without even greeting you...

I too have experienced behavior from my mom that felt like extreme discourtesy: for example, single-word imperatives--"blanket"--instead of polite sentences--"could you hand me my blanket?" 

Also, I set up some smart lights and she seemed sort of annoyed about having to say "hallway light" instead of just "light." This too I processed as rudeness/ingratitude. 

But recently, after a very bad 72 hours, when I was deeply exhausted, I realized that speaking even one extra word (and just speaking at all) actually takes an enormous amount of energy.

I'm better rested now but trying to hold onto that memory since at the time I felt like it gave me important insight into how my mother speaks / doesn't speak.

Not sure if that helps at all or is relevant to your situation, but I'll post this just in case.

Have you checked with the health services director or nursing services at your mom's Independent living facility? That would be my first step. They can start monitoring her, they should be able to deal with dog walking. If it's a decent IL facility they want to make sure their residents are safe and capable of living independently.

Yes get her to her doctor but in the meantime speak with her facility for help. At my IL in a situation like this they would contact my POA immediately.

The problem has to do with mom's cognitive decline. As others have said, she needs an evaluation. Letting her dog soil her home is not normal behavior.

After she's evaluated, you may have to make choices. One of them should not be inviting her to come live with you. Many have thought that was what would help an elderly parent, and many have found themselves miserable, their families torn apart, their finances wrecked, and the parent in even worse shape. Don't do that.

If her community has continuing care, check out the memory care unit. She may need to be there.

Good luck with all of this.

Well obviously your mom is no longer independent, so time to move her into an assisted living facility. By you continuing to go and clean up after her, only helps keep the illusion up that she's still independent.
Other than her being depressed it also sounds like there is some type of dementia going on, so definitely get her to her doctor sooner than later to find out exactly what she and you are dealing with.

As others have said , sounds like depression and/or cognitive decline . Get her to the docs for testing . I also believe she belongs in assisted living . If she is allowed to keep the dog and you want her to keep the dog , the dog will need to have a dog walker come regularly . IMO though , I don’t think it’s fair to the dog . He needs an owner who is competent to interact with the dog and be able to respond to its needs . No one with a walker should walk a dog. That’s a recipe for disaster .

I 100% agree with the others who recommend getting her in to her doctor for a full physical and then maybe a cognitive/memory test (I say maybe because if she's having issues that impact her cognitive state but are treatable, I'd maybe wait to do that testing). It is very possible she in not "just" depressed.

Are you your Mom's PoA? If not, is anyone her PoA? This will be important for her to have and she still may have "capacity" to create one with an attorney. Managing care and making decisions for someone who is incapacitated and uncooperative will be exhausting, so I encourage you to help her do this, if she doesn't have a PoA yet.

If you are her PoA then get out the document and read it carefully to see what is required to activate the authority and to know what authorities you actually have for her.

While waiting to get her into the doctor, you will need to check if she's on any medication because she could be under- or over-dosing on that which maybe could explain her change in personality. Also, her doctor will need to know if she's taking OTC sleeping pills, etc.

If she allows, help her get her banking and bills straightened out so that you can have some insight into her financial condition.

If she is resistant to go to the doctor, you can use a "therapeutic fib" to incentivize her: "The IL now requires an annual physical", "You have to have your annual Medicare free physical before the end of the year" etc. It is perfectly moral and ethical to do this -- I did it for my MIL and so glad I did.

If her community has a AL I would start checking it out. It will feel hard and overwhelming at first but it will be very important for her to have an accurate diagnosis. I wish you success in getting her in to the doctor and figuring out how to best help her.

Has mom had a physical lately?
If not it is time to schedule one.
Send a note to the doctor (use the portal to communicate so you do not have to discuss your concerns in front of mom)
this could be :
Depression
Cognitive decline. And this could be from any number of causes.
Underlying illness.

If she can not manage the dog then hiring someone to come in a few times a day to walk the dog would be the kindest thing to do for the dog. maybe the person walking the dog can get mom out as well. I have long thought that there is a risk of falls when a person with a walker, cane or other mobility problems has to walk a dog.

Hold off your assumption that "she's completely capable" until after she sees a doctor.

It sounds like mom's mental and physical status have declined to the point where Independent Living (and having a dog) are no longer possible.

Does she have a diagnosis of cognitive impairment? Depression? Dementia?

I would start by getting her to her PCP for a checkup and discuss possible referrals to neuropsych and psychiatry.