My mother was recently diagnosed with a deadly cancer. It was caught early, so there is hope for a cure. She is a 2 time breast cancer survivor and had everything done locally. But understandably she and all of us wanted her to go to a major cancer center for this one. Unfortunately it lies somewhere in the organs that is not easy to see on scans especially since a procedure was done to alleviate an acute problem. The cancer center is wanting her to have chemo first and build up her strength. They cannot stage or give her an exact diagnosis because the pathology can be for two different cancers. She smoked for several years and her tumor markers were elevated but are coming down. She honestly believes the cancer center is giving her chemo so that she will too weak to have surgery which is the only cure
She is very upset and angry and completely obsessed with cancer . We can’t talk about ANYTHING else. She is constantly worried. When she asked me to make the decision for her to stay home or go to the center to have chemo( the center recommended staying home) I have told her over and over I would do whatever she wanted and support her to the fullest. She begged me to
mske the decision for her( literally crying and she NEVER cries) I knew she wanted the treatment at the center. I said have it at the center (11 hour drive away). I said but you also need to take part in their counseling/ psychiatric program if I am going to make decisions for you. She lost it and yelled at me for ten minutes that I thought she was crazy and I wanted her to take medication that would make her laugh( and hideously laughed in my face) She know my husband takes anti anxiety and she kept saying you want me to be HAHAHA everything’s fine like SOMEBODY. That hurt. My husband has worked very hard to overcome anxiety. Then she said I didn’t tell you I wanted you to make decisions. She wanted to know what I would do. I said I’d stay at home. She yelled again that you said you would go with me.
Around our family she calls all the doctors terrible names and comments on their looks( she is a very looks based person) or their race. She wants a doctor to be there to answer a question whenever one just pops in her head. She questions everything and forgets what they tell her.
she has also said that she prefers to go on hospice and let them give her something so she can go ahead and die. I told her hospice won’t do that. If you are actively dying they will give you medicine to ease your pain . But not when you are walking around.
I can’t reason with her. She is so angry and keeps trying to find a loophole. She constantly yells at my dad and me. But to the outside world she is a picture of sanity. I can’t abandon her, but I do t know how much I can take.
I’m sorry for rambling. I am scared too . I don’t want her to suffer. I have tried to tell her let’s try to have fun. But she says she doesn’t want anyone to see her. Most of her friends have had facelifts( but she was too scared of infection so she doesn’t want to be seen. I lost snd feel helpless. Oh and I’m an only child.
You don't have abandon her but you do have to find and keep strong, healthy boundaries *that she won't like*. She will hate your boundaries. So, what would you consider a solution? I think you need to see a therapist to get a wise and objective perspective on what your options are.
There's no magic medicine for your situation. Either you will burn up to a crisp in your boundary-less current relationship or she will behave much worse when you erect boundaries -- but at least you won't be in the burn zone if you do it properly and consistently. You pick. There's no 3rd option.
It takes one who has had breast cancer to understand how your Mom is feeling. Any type of cancer can be terrifying, but with breast cancer sometimes comes with radical surgery. Sometimes a hysterectomy is recommended. Then those anti-hormone pills one takes for 5-10 years, lot of unpleasant side-effects. This whole ordeal can make one very angry.
I am hoping down the road that research will develop a vaccine to prevent all types of cancers.
she really wants surgery and radiation with this. Unfortunately the doctors say that is not the best course of action and will not perform surgery until after at least two rounds of chemotherapy. They constantly mentioned her smoking and that makes her mad.
Here's one resource I found that looks to be in your area, there may be even more. Do note, I am speaking about Palliative care, not hospice at this point
https://colquittregional.com/home/our-services/home-health-services/hospice/
to feel anxious in this situation. I agree but I try to tell her professionals can give her ideas for coping. I have tried to get her to walk with me or exercise. She says I don’t fell like it I’m too worried.