I am asking this question about me, and how I deal with my siblings. As many of you know by now, our mother is 85 years old, suffers from dementia and resides on the assisted living floor of a care facility in my town. Too often lately, I lose my temper, especially when I am caught lying, or when I become frustrated, or when I fail to do something I should have done. Then the aggrieved party, one of my siblings, challenges me and I just get angry and swear and generally behave in a very childish manner. The details aren't important. How do I improve what may be an ingrained response? How do I learn how to step back from a stressful situation, take a deep breath, and acknowledge the hurt I have caused others - my siblings, who at this point are also overwhelmed and doing the best they can to help our mother, who is facing the last years of her life? Please, fellow caregivers who have given me great advice so far, please tell me how I can stop being such a jerk? I can apologize, but if I continue to speak in an angry voice, and swear, and show such disrespect, then any apology is meaningless. My behavior does not help our mother at all, nor do I honor her or God, the One who loves me, my parents, and my siblings.
My ex after the divorce had to deal with managing his anger. He couldn't admit that he was at fault and was furious he couldn't find a way to blame everything on me even though deep down he knew he was the one who screwed up. A therapist told him as much. These issues are yours, not your siblings. Work on yourself before it comes to your siblings no longer wanting to be around you.
You obviously have a lot of pent up anger which sounds like it goes WAY back and not just related to your current situation with your mother, so again I would ask what happened in your life long ago to cause such anger to be buried in your heart?
The Bible says that out of the heart the mouth speaks, so this sounds like a heart issue that really needs to be addressed.
So I do hope that you'll seek out professional therapy ASAP, to get to the bottom of your anger issues and the fact that you feel you must lie.
There is a lot to unpack there, and I hope you'll be brave enough to do just that.
Anger is a normal emotion. Very useful (to prompt changes) & needed at times (for defence).
The thing is to have a way to express anger that is to SAFER for you & others: avoid embaressment, avoid damage to relationships, avoid others to fear you.
I used a lot of picture charts for my son who struggled with anger & many other emotions. A bit kiddy, but bear with me.. there was this Incrediable 5 Point Scale book. My kids learnt to identify what level they were at. Either by different colours (red: exlpode) or number, then eventually by words.
Something like;
5. 🤬 Explosive, furious
4. 😡 Angry, hot mad
3. 😠 Frustrated, stressed out
2. 😤 Annoyed, dissapointed, upset
1. 😌 Calm, relaxed
I used it too & still do in a way..
It helped me to take the time out, get back to 1 or 2 before re-engaging with people in a calmer, more effective way. Assertive, if needed. (Tone of voice was another scale: meek, quiet, normal, assertive, aggressive)
Just last Friday I woke up annoyed, at 2. So it was only a tiny thing that pushed me to 3. I took a walk to the furtherest bathroom to calm down before I hit 4. Splashed water on my face, did some stretches (I find something physical helps). When back down to 2. I returned. On coming home I took a long walk & a long bath to get completely back to 1.
So I think the skill in self-regulation is knowing when to walk away for 5 mins. Know when to walk away & know when to run. (Praise to the mighty Kenny).
Others, like my son & myself are like rockets.
Wheat, if you too are a rocket, you need a way to move your body to a safe zone FAST. Before you explode.
I admire you for wanting to change and trying to figure out how to do so. All of this is very hard, I know. Emotions run high and lashing out feels easier to do than drawing closer together as siblings to deal with mom as a team. And lean on one another in the process. You're all hurting right now, why not share the pain rather than suffer alone?
" I lose my temper, especially when I am caught lying, or when I become frustrated, or when I fail to do something I should have done. Then the aggrieved party, one of my siblings, challenges me and I just get angry and swear and generally behave in a very childish manner".
You title your post "Anger toward Siblings" yet what you express is that they are angry at you for wrongdoing you recognize as wrongdoing. So there is something going on here. You may indeed be VERY angry at them. The question for exploration is WHY?
I think it is important for you to explore with expert help (psychologist--a good one in private practice) why you feel a need to lie and why you are failing to do things you should do. What is causing you to be stuck in childishness?
We are just a Forum of strangers who don't know you at all and we couldn't possibly hazard a guess. You are indeed harming and upsetting your family, but more than that you are letting yourself down, and you are fully aware that you are.
Good luck in exploring what might be going on here, Wheat. You and your entire family will be very grateful for your getting expert advice and help. I wish you the best.