Had respite in a care home when she came out of hospital to see how she got on and she didn't! Wouldn't eat or socialise with other residents and was nasty to everyone and insisted on being taken home which we resisted but eventually agreed as the staff were, frankly, fed up with her. Have suggested live-in care as an alternative when she needs full time help again but she insists she doesn't want a stranger living in the house. Do we just put our foot down?
After a bad fall, the doctor wanted my Mom to go to Rehab. Heck would have to freeze over before my Mom would set foot in such a place. Therefore, the doctor scheduled rehab at home, but wanted Mom to hire some caregivers to help out. No way THAT was going to happen. The physical therapy people quit after two weeks.
Well, I had to wait for the next medical emergency. It was another fall for Mom but this time with major head trauma. Mom never returned home. She spent her final months in a nursing home. Poor Dad, he was so heartbroken as he really wanted the caregivers to be there for her. Even he couldn't put his foot down !!
Sorry, you can't win with someone who is unreasonable and extremely stubborn.
I see that you are caring for your husband with Parkinson's and that your mom seems to present with many of the traits of someone with narcissistic personality.
And that you are not always certain when she calls with an emergency if it is attention getting or real....
And that you are quite distant geographically from each other.
Might I suggest that your responsibility is to your husband? And that your mother has made her choices in life and that it is not your responsibility to "fix" this situation? Certainly, you are under no obligation to leave your husband and travel to your mom's side.
My LO was very resistant at one point and getting her the care she needed, but, didn't think she needed, was almost impossible. In fact, she had to go into Memory Care, due to this. So, if you are going with a live-in caregiver, I'd consider that the cost will be great. AND, they'll need a lot of training in order to deal with it. Plus, they will need time off and vacations, so, you'll need others to fill in when the primary caregiver is off duty. And, it's very stressful to live in the home with a person who has dementia. They can be challenging, hostile, rude, repeat things, pace, stay up all night, etc. Their behavior can even be challenging for family members to manage. I'd read a lot about how others have dealt with it. I would suspect it's full of issues. Also, people who have dementia often never realize they need help and are never open and willing to get help. So, I'd explore options, even though, mother may be opposed to it, if it's a real safety and welfare issue.
Is this where she will be going upon realease or to her home?
Do you have POA? If no you are limited in what you can do. Maybe tell her that you can't be with her 24/7 because you have a husband to care for. That you would feel so much better if she would at least try an aide.
I am assuming that ur from England? If so, we have Country Mouse who may have some suggestions. The US and UK are so much different when it comes to healthcare.