Hi all, I stumbled across this group when Googling and could really use some advice.
My partner’s grandma has recently been diagnosed with dementia (6 months ago). For context, she doesn’t have contact with her two children, and she raised my partner like her son from the age of 16. My partner has three brothers (aged between 21 and 30).
My partner lived with his grandma until he moved in with me 2 years ago. His grandma then had a tenant move into her home to help her with the rent. She lives in a large 4 bedroom house which she rents. She cannot afford it anymore but she absolutely refuses to move to a smaller house as it feels safe and comfortable for her.
6 months ago, around the time of her dementia diagnosis, the tenant moved out (due to unrelated reasons). My partner's nan could not afford to pay her rent and afford to live. But still, she refused to move out of her house. She also continued to spend excessively; she used to be rich before she lost a lot of money through a failed business and her dementia makes it very hard to understand that she no longer has money.
After a stressful few months of struggling to get by and selling some things in her home to help afford the cost of her living, me and my partner decided the only way forward was to move in with her. We thought we could help with the rent and evening care duties once we’ve finished work. So around 2 months ago we made the move into her spare bedroom.
The problem is, we didn’t anticipate quite how difficult things would be. Her house was absolutely filthy when we moved in, as she doesn’t have the strength to clean it. It is also infested with fleas, which is a problem we’re still dealing with now (we bought our 2 cats with us). She had a cat who we have rehomed with a family member, as she cannot care for him. I work from home, and the care duties are just too much. His grandma is constantly in and out of my room during the working day, even though I try and set boundaries. The lack of privacy is really the biggest issue. We have tried to bring a carer round but she refuses the help saying she doesn’t need it. She says she wants to do everything herself but then when she tries to do things for herself it never ends well. Even if she puts the hob on for example, I have to leave my desk to go and watch her to make sure she doesn’t burn herself, which she has done in the past.
I find myself resenting my partner when he goes to work, jealous of the time he has away from the house. I feel like I can never switch off and it’s really taking a toll on my mental health and our relationship.
I expressed how I was feeling to my partner and suggested that we move out. He agreed, but says he feels like he would be abandoning his grandma. She would have to move out of the house that is to her symbolises security, and we know that she would be very angry and upset. I also need to mention that my partners brothers are absolutely useless - they either live far away or they live close and don’t help , despite us practically begging them. It would be all too easy for us to take that same stance, but we care about her and wouldn’t even dream of it.
I would love some honest opinions about whether us moving out is the right thing to do or not. I have been super stressed and miserable since moving in, and my career performance is dropping. I'm often having to work late to catch up, but then I think of my partner’s grandma. I think of all the things she’s going through with her illness and what we’d be putting her through if we moved out. It makes me feel terribly guilty and selfish. I feel like a failure for not being able to suck it up and help. It’s not even that much of a big thing, just the cooking, cleaning, and explaining things to her when she gets confused. Am I wrong for wanting to move out? Thank you if you got to the bottom of this very long post!
She is the one needing help, so she needs to be the one to compromise.
Do not jeopardize your future so grandma doesn't have to make the necessary changes in her life.
Tell her this situation is not working and you will be moving out. Staying in her home is no longer feasible and you will assist her in finding an affordable place to live. Does anyone have POA? Now that she has dementia she cannot appoint anyone.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. How circumstances beyond our control dictate how we live. How when our parents/grandparents cannot take care of themselves anymore we are sucked into untenable situations. Situations where we feel we need to step up and if we don't we think we are horrible human beings.
You are not a horrible human being for wanting to live your life with enjoyment and peace. Yes, we have obligations to each other. It would be a horrible world if everyone said "it's all about me and screw everyone else" but there has to be a balance where you can help others but also help yourself.
You need to find that balance. Actually your partner needs to find that balance. It's great he is kind and wants to help his grandmother but it's not fair to you if this means you bear the brunt of the responsibility. You need to discuss this with him and come up with a plan that works for everybody.
There's no shame in that. Better to figure that out now, before things get really bad, as guaranteed they will. Dementia only gets worse, never better.
And it's not fair to you and your partner to put such a strain on your relationship, all because grandma doesn't want to move out of her house. Your mental and physical health matter just as much as grandmas.
As long as you and your partner continue to prop grandma up, she will never come to the realization that she needs help.
Like I already said, grandma will only continue to get worse and require more and more help, which isn't fair to either of you to have to take on that burden.
Your job is already suffering. What do you think will happen when you're having to be with her 24/7? Can you afford to lose your job? I'm guessing not.
You've already told your partner that this isn't working for you anymore, so now it's time to start making plans to move out and tell grandma that she's either going to have to hire in home help(with her money)or sell her home and go into the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires, and will be safe, and you both can get back to just being her grandchildren, and advocates.
And to answer your question...NO you are not a bad person for wanting your life and sanity back. You are a smart person who knows what their limitations are, and there is nothing wrong with that. More people would benefit greatly by learning what their limitations are before it's too late.
I wish you the best in getting this all figured out sooner than later.
Move out and contact her children, it is their responsibility to deal with her, certainly not yours.
She is not able to care for herself, that is the bottom line, it is time for her to be in a facility. Her home can be sold and the money used for this, when it runs out she can apply for Medicaid.
My mother will be 99 in February, she is in AL, she loves it. Grandma could still live a very long time.
Time to get out while the getting is good, get the ball rolling.
You didn't cause this; you can't fix this. Guilt requires causation. You aren't the cause of this.
What you feel is the other G-word, which is grief.
Grief is appropriate, as this is all very sad.
As to whether you and your love choose to throw your own lives on the funeral pyre here, that has to be your choice as grownups. No one can make this choice for you. It's my own personal belief that you have a right to live your own lives.
Grandma has had her life. She has made the choices she has made. She still has choices for her own life. One of those choices shouldn't be the slave labor of her grandchildren to the extent that their lives are ruined.
I would suggest counseling for you and your partner to discuss your own obligations and your own wishes for your own lives. I think there has been some hasty and poor decision making. This can go on for decades. I doubt any relationship can survive this sort of thing, but only the two of you can decide this.
Thank goodness you and partner are in her life. She needs someone whether she knows it or not to help her figure out her next chapter.
Many people never change their way of living long after they lost their good fortune and it does lead to rack and ruin. She is not alone in that, whether she has dementia or not.
Also many relatives “see” the situation for what it is and know for sure they aren’t cut out to be caregivers. So best to drop the resentment of partners sibs. It just makes you feel bad and keeps you from being focused on GM.
So, I said all that to say … this is a fairly normal set of circumstances folks unwittingly fall into and you will have to accept, just as GM has to accept, that it is time for change. Her desire to do for herself is similar to your desire to do for her. It bumps up against reality. It is no one’s fault. It is LIFE.
It would be helpful for you to post what country you are in. I’m assuming you are British. There may be another poster who can help you understand the legal steps needed to help GM with her finances and housing options.
To start, since GM has dementia, she will be unable to make decisions for herself and it is very common for her to believe she can do anything she wants in spite of the evidence. That is her reality now.
Have you spoken with the doctor who diagnosed her? That might be a place to start in figuring out next steps.
Let us know what you find out and for now best to remove her access to cooking.
If in the US, grandma would need to be evaluated for Dementia and declared incompetent to make her own decisions. It maybe too late to have her assign POA. I would call APS (Adult protection services) and tell them she is a vulnerable adult. That you and BF cannot care for her 24/7 because you need to work. Because she bothers you while you work from home, its effecting your job and you're burned out. She can't afford her house and you can no longer live with her. She has children. If u have their #s give them to APS.
Inform GMA that you are moving out.
After moving, inform the authorities that she is a vulnerable senior, living without support
My family members were trying to set a trap for me to move in with aunt.
I visited with aunt for a week and a few more weekends and realized that she needed more help than I could provide. Because of my constant complying in the beginning, cousins couldn't understand why I all of the sudden decided I would no longer sacrifice my time or my life to something that I cannot assist with and did not cause. I will assist when we all agree to put aunt in a facility, but I will not sacrifice myself any longer. I understand your guilt. I still have it , but will not bend. Save yourselves and leave.