Follow
Share

My dad keeps asking for things we know he can’t have. How do we keep him from obsessing about these things? I’m his DPOA for health and finance. He can’t have his address/phone books because he calls people with his confabulated stories and they don’t know he has Alzheimer’s. He wants his hassock, but can’t have it because he fell off it while climbing on it to reach the top of his closet at the other facility . (We’ve brought everything down to his reach and gave him our recliner that has a footrest.) He wants his nail clippers even though the memory care facility he is at gives him manicures, pedicures and haircuts. (At the previous facility he was given scissors and he was found cutting up clothes in an attempt to modify his clothing. We bought him new clothes and took away the scissors.) He wants us to take him back to his home and business but he is physically and mentally not able to care for any of it or himself. His sister and brother-in-law bought him lotto tickets over the holidays. He insist they are winning tickets (they are worthless), hides them, can’t find them, then accuses me of stealing all of his money. He’s convinced that I’ve spent all of his money on us. We don’t need his money and would never use it for ourselves. We use his money to pay for his memory care facility he’s at, his personal needs like incontinence supplies, clothing (he’s gained healthy weight and needed all new pants), bills, divorce attorney fees, and accountant fees, etc. It’s been so stressful cleaning up all the messes he’s created over the past few years but we can’t share all the details with him because it creates such anxiety and confusion in him. He can’t rationalize and his demands are taking a toll on me. I’d like to visit with him but it seems that my presence seems to make him think of all the things he can no longer manage. When I don’t visit, because I’m taking care of all of his stuff, his mind works overtime and he calls me accusing me of taking his things. I’ve worked so hard to get him the medical attention, safe living arrangements he so desperately needed and fixing all of the messes he’s created. I’ve always had his best interest at heart and I’ve never ever given him any reason to distrust me. It’s so hurtful. I’ve spoken with the director at his new facility and they are increasing activities and working with him when he wants to call me with demands. His moderate cognitive decline, OCD and anxiety is taking a toll on me. I fear that it’s only going to get worse. Anyone else dealing with this? Suggestions?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

33 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
I can't add anything to the previous excellent comments except to address your last sentence "I fear things are going to get worse...." Things will get worse - dementia is a slow downhill path. Do talk to his MD about medications that will calm his anxiety. I can tell you anti-anxiety med helped my MIL. Whatever dose she takes now does not make her overly tired.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I pray for you.. hola. hi there Tikent.
Mi friend father has done that, what you're saying your father has done.(He is well beside that)but it do happen.But, not with mine. (not at all actually)thank god. As i researched/and know that do happen.
-
My father is doing so well (knock-on-wood)praise the Lord, as he is not at the point at all now where he is hallucination going on and or confabulation of stories et.al., and he is doing well, he only take a few extra naps for 1 hr., or few minutes, then he is up and ready to go! We continue keeping him:
-ACTIVE.
-Busy.
-Talk much to him with plentiful smiles/happy memories et.al. as mommie and i,always are at the point of sharing past time great stories with him as he remember almost 100% of his childhood, teen years, early 20s etc. marriage amazing...

We simply continue to instill/make new memories,while also, to treat him the same,just as always as if nothing has circumvented, with the exception of his dementia diagnosis 1 year ago from January 2017. God bless you and us all.adios.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
You should sign up to receive email newsletters from " Health Sciences Institute"
They can give you answers other than what your dads' doctors tell you
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Unfortunately this is part of mental decline. People want to go back to when they were healthy and struggle to cope with their impairment. It may happen to many of us so trying to be understanding is a challenge. Anxiety medication is essential to calming distressing thoughts. When my Dad was hospitalized he was ok in the ER but when admitted the red tape in getting him his regular anxiety meds took too long and was very upsetting to witness. It is hard to not get drawn into family anxiety. Know that you can be a calming voice in the presence of your loved ones chaos and there is no blame, shame, or reasoning with someone with these issues. A low dose of anxiety meds seemed to keep my Dad from overly obsessing, there was that time of day when he felt the need to organize things in his mind and do some household inventory. When all is said and done being a kind and loving family member and giving yourself time away from a stressful situation will give you peace of mind that you did the right thing by giving your family member a safe environment with a caring professional staff. Memory care has come a long way in creating good facilities for mental decline. If you can visit and are satisfied with the care, be at peace that you are the best for your loved one and that you have the financial means to do so.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
His brain is broken. Keep all things away from him that can do him harm. And remember, you are now the one in charge, no matter what his demands are.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I know about the problem's you are dealing with my father has dementia and has been living in AL for a year. He needed 24 / 7 care per the hospital and his primary doctor. Then I have my aunt who is handicapped and is living with her care taker. My problem was my dad was the trustee on his sister's accounts and I was a secondary. So I went to the bank to see if I could do something with her money that was in cd's. To find out I have to have a copy of her trust. Well that brought up more complications because I didn't have that. So I got a hold of the lawyer that did both of them many years ago and we go and see him in a week n half. So that I have full control of both of them. The good thing was dad and I was Co-Trustee for the family estate so my name was able to go one all the banking and stock. Now just to get the paperwork changed for my Aunt. Then it is time for taxes to be done and I have that all ready to go get that done. But he will have to sign for his sister and then I get to explain to the tax people why there is all this paperwork for A/L and long term insurance. I had to put my dad there a year ago today, and he has gotten so much worse and I see it when I go to see him. You can't tell them that they have a appointment till it is almost time to leave because he will call you at 1 a.m. and continue to call every 15 min till he get his med's at 7:30 a.m. I am one of those people who make sure they A/L has enough of his medicine on hand for 3 months. They say that I am the only one who does this. Prayers coming to you and your family. This is a hard disease to deal with.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Don't know if this approach would work for everyone, but when my father-in-law was obsessing that his wife was going to divorce him (which she should have done years ago, IMO), we tried to reassure him otherwise to no avail. Finally, I told him that I myself would take her to a lawyer if she wanted to; BUT, I would bet him $5 that she was not going to divorce him. He agreed to the bet, and I made him set a time limit. He picked something like "next Thursday." When the date came without divorce papers, he admitted that he lost the bet and owed me $5; and he shut up about her going to divorce him. This was months ago, but he probably still remembers that he owes me $5. Of course, now he thinks she's been cheating on him and is pregnant (she's 86). It's always something.
It's been impossible for my mother-in-law to not take it personally; but in their situation, I expect he always accused her of doing him wrong so that she would be "on her best behavior" in defense and so would avoid seeing his faults.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
It also helps to read about fixations, and also about paranoia.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Lots of good answers here. The OCD is definitely exhausting, especially if you fight it. #1 rule with dementia is validate and redirect. I think the dementia unlocks all their anxieties and for many people, that's about money. If you try to deal with it logically, you will just get frustrated. They are very good at picking up signals from you, so if you can be reassuring and happy, even with a fib or two, it goes a long way. Anything you can do to give them back a feeling of control yet still preserve their safety is helpful. Put yourself in their shoes for a bit. So hard to make sense of things.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Been there! - Mom was that way too - I let her keep a purse with a few coins etc in it nothing of value but 'she has her purse' - I took away her phone upon advice of HER lawyer because mom kept calling & I was billed for the time too - I took away the TV when she screwed up the remote 5 times

However I find starting the visit with a positive like bringing a treat drink or a favourite cookie or a new shirt etc helps - I bring in addition a manicure set & change her nail polish etc because she gets her hands in warm water to soak just as a manicurist does but then I know she has super clean hands when I leave

Now my mom looks at me with a smile & joy because she associates me with pleasure - I am the one who brings small treats like a drink that I get at Tim's which they do for me in the drive through of 1/2 hot chocolate & 1/2 decaf coffee - I buy pretty napkins & bring them for her use because she always loved cute napkins - this is a version of Pavlov's dog & takes time & effort but it will start bringing the edge off of the acrimony of the visits

Not every specific idea will work but look to what he took pleasure in - even a special mini dessert or anything he doesn't get where he is now - sit with him & share it ... this is important because the sharing seems to develope a bond & a comradeship that makes you more equal to him & vise versa - he will loose this argumentive stage eventually but by then hopefully he will see you as "THE ONE WHO BRINGS ME JOY"
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Tikent:
Hola.
hi.
I say keep him as busy as feasible...
I do the same with my loving father a rather healthy early 80s great dad!
I always am taking him out several times a week, on a day trip,and or to the store,
the local area park, to nice long/short drives, and it works!Then, we go back home and i am seeing how happy he is at night,and doing well, with mom by his side for almost sixty-two bless healthy happy God-bless years together!(June is sixty-two years)and i shall continue to minimize his stress, as i notice keeping him busy during the day and doing things positive to increase his well-being(health et.al.,)is really working where he "know"he has ALZ traits/and the dementia yes, (after a light to mild stroke)winter 2016 diagnose but he is "dealing with it the best way he can,and he remember so much still and i see again that keeping him busy"and talking about happy topics really help him so much."(and what he has forgot)we always (me and mommie)remind him regularly and he is ok. We motivate him. I shall continue to empower/motivate him,and he love that so much.
Good luck to you.God bless us all.
Adios.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
So sorry you are having this happen right now. Thankfully you have your loved one being taken care of, but it doesn’t stop their confused brain from the paranoia that accompanies dementia. I’ve taken away everything dangerous either physically, emotionally and financially and have been accused of stealing as well. I look at it as kind of a game as in,” I wonder what my phone call will challenge me with today? Or I wonder who will be in mom’s nightmare tonight? “ It doesn’t solve anything, but it makes me focus on the fact it isn’t either parent’s fault or intent to cause stress and distress, it just is because it is. You have to do what’s right for you no matter what. If it means not visiting for a bit or blocking phone calls, do it temporarily and see if that helps you recharge for the next encounter. Best to you and hugs...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I feel the same way. My Elderly parent constantly believes that someone is taking their money, it's almost to a point where I don't feel comfortable in my own house because of him. His obsession with money is unnatural and because of that I am struggling to deal with him on daily basis. It makes me angry and said at the same time. He won't go to day care and will not pay for his own care because he does not think he'll need it. But you can't leave him alone because he may fall, wander, or start a fire at the stove. So what can you do? I stopped arguing with him but because of his issues an reluctance to do anything about it, I and my family feel trapped.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Oh my, I can truly sympathize with your situation, my dad can't remember most things but, he has started obsessing about going home, nothing works to redirect or stop this obsession. I wish he wouldn't remember in 2 minutes, this has been ongoing for months and it is escalating, I to am worn out with it. I just don't know how to help you but, I wanted to let you know you are not alone. I just took the last week off, well almost like 2 days with no phone calls but I haven't seen him. I had big plans and all I've done is sleep and lay around my body and mind are exhausted from his obsessing. If you find something that helps, please share. Hugs and love to you in this hard trial.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
It is not your DAD who believes these things. That is the DISEASE talking. Both of you are a victim of this disease.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Please don't say AL is upping his Meds. A doctors order has to bevin place for this to happen. After a post I read yesterday, I am not sure people realize that ALs are just that...facilities that assist. They r not nursing facilities they are residents and as such family members still have responsibility of LO there. Yes, there is a nurse, maybe an LPN and of course aides. But they cannot force a resident to eat, wash or dress. In the end problems you have with the patient you have to solve. If parent has a cell and they call constantly...take it away and inform the desk that they r not to call for him. If their r people he enjoys calling than give him the phonecwhile ur there for them to makeca call. I was lucky that the homevI chose for Mom was so well run. Nothingvis perfect but it was bettervthan the AL. And most of my responsibility
was taken over by caring people. Meds were taken care of, diapers, personal items like shampoo and toothpaste. Laundry, they got smells out that it took me overnight to soak out. Activities and conversations with Mom. On and on. But there were decisions I still needed to make.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Just read where someone said needed money but not capable of real $ so gave them monopoly money.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You need to talk with his physician. There are medications that will address your situation.

I am NOT suggesting you dope him up. I had to put my DH on Zoloft and he's not all doped up, he just isn't obsessing anymore.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
try not to think of it so hard ..you need to understand how to have the disease work your way like the one said tell him yes we will do it later & then he will forget it when later comes my mom will say stuff & 2 minutes later she dont remember what she said ..last night she thought someone was getting her so i gave her stuff to knock her out with it was getting close to time to give her her evening pills i say so had to give them to her & almost a hour later she was out & didnt worry about someone getting her so you might want i hope they work with you to adjust the pills to when he needs to have them to keep him in control better .. my mom needed that one time she got out of control to them ..they called me up & told me & she would not trust them to give her pills ..so at 8 pm i had to go out there & i gave her the pills then a hour later she was ready for bed but i told them the pills for anxiety & agitation give them at 7pm every 12 hours so they will beat the time she really gets out of control to where i would have to go there so they did & she is back she went there for rehab ..do not trust the nursing home docs that much they are not right all the time i found that out ..they only give them meds for there benefit to like bladder control pills my mom was not to have them but they had them in case she has a catheter & they was not to give her them ...they suck some places i got her in 1 place for rehab & she will never go there & they would not tell me about her meds unless i was a POA & they paid for that they didnt give her the meds she was to be on & a week later they complained that she was wandering around at night & i thought you stupid your not giving her the right stuff .to bad ..but never said anything to them ..
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
It´s hard to deal with this kind of behavior. My father with mild dementia lives with me and my husband. When I´m out, his behavior changes a lot. Sometimes he gets frustrated because he doesn´t have the newspaper in the morning, or he cant´t find something he needs. He starts shouting and telling everybody in the house that I´m stealing his money. He hits the walls and kicks the furniture, slam doors, etc. When I arrive home he won´t tell me what happened and why was he so furious. It´s sad, and difficult to understand, specially when you try so hard to keep them safe and happy.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You took the first step, by asking here for help. I deal with this with my 92 year old dad with AL. The staff got him on some meds that helped, told him he could not use his phone there, so I took it home. He asks about their home of over 65 years, everything from us boys selling it to needing to go fix some broken water pipes. We just say whatever it takes to please him and remember first of all it is the disease speaking out, not the dad we grew up knowing. Watch the tapes, they are good. Blessings sent to you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I found that nothing really calmed the obsessions, worries, questions, etc, until my LO was prescribed meds for anxiety/depression. THAT HELPED a lot and we saw her become much more content and reasonable. I can't tell you how much of a difference it made. And it wasn't anything that sedated her. She remained very alert and active, but, without the constant obsessions, questions, worries, crying, etc. I'd explore this with his doctor.

Before my LO got on the meds, I tried to stay ahead of her questions and obsessions. So, I had a topic or change of subject ready at all times. So, all of the obsessive questions, demands, etc., were just put aside as I focused on taking her out for a stroll, making her a snack and asking her questions. I had a lot of questions for her and that got her to stop obsessing and think of other things just for minute. Still, it's difficult. There is really no way to remedy it. Just make up your mind in advance that you can't fix it all and get him what he wants, because, it's just not possible, so don't be so hard on yourself. 

One thing that I did for when she would be worried and upset was tell her that I had already remedied the matter. That I had made the phone call, spoken with the person and all was well.  I even took balloons and treats so we could celebrate how everything had been taken care of to her benefit. She was so relieved.  She would thank me profusely and then be ok.  Of course, she didn't know what was wrong and would forget in minutes that it happened, but, in the moment, she felt better.  That's all we can do sometimes, is try to make it work just for the moment. 
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I read your question because it is starting to ring true for me. The anger and frustration.Check with his doctor to see if there is a supplement that might help. I keep being told that the cure will come in our lifetime....please God....soon.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
answer: correct meds. Get him to a geriatric doctor or specialist.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I agree with taking away his phone. I finally did that with my dad and it has helped me tremendously not to have him call me at all hours to voice complaints. There is no point in that..it’s not like he calls to visit. He’s finally accepted it and doesn’t ask me anymore about the phone.
The other thing is learning to tell therapeutic fibs when they ask you questions. You don’t need to be truthful or accurate or try reasoning as it doesn’t work. Placate, and then change the subject. The dementia is a relentless tiger that never stops stalking...once I accepted that, it made it easier. Also read Loving Hard to Love Parents...by Dr. Paul Chavetz....good tips and advice in it for your situation.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I hope you can find the right tools to cope. Just remember this person is not the same parent they once were. Their minds are diseased now. 97yearoldmom's recommendation to watch the Teepa Snow videos is a good one. Try to find time to do it. It will help you learn how to reflect, redirect and keep a little bit of your sanity. My parents are 89/90 and married 70 years next week so we have two that my sister and I are caregivers for. Dad's dementia seems to be advancing more quickly the last month or so after two to three quite mild years. Scary, sad and difficult times. Yet I rely on my faith for focus and daily ask God to keep my eyes open so that I might see each day's life lesson(s) and blessings -- because they are there.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
This is definitely hard. Every time we have to deny my mother something she is so devastated. This supports her belief that we are the problem, not her disease. We haven't taken away her phone for this reason. We are trying to allow her as much as possible that she wants. She has caused some problems lately with the phone. Money has become a hot issue because she thinks she needs $300 a week in the AL. Anyhow these are daily challenges that must be endured. I am trying to sort out what's right and what's wrong from what's hurtful, and what's necessary and what can wait. Sometimes what is right is also hurtful, and what seems urgent can wait. This process is truly a difficult test of character, strength and compassion. For me it is trying not to do what's wrong, sticking to the facts, relying on doctors advice, and learning to deal with moments and days of dread. May God be with you, your LO, and us all.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
Rings true with me. My mother suddenly announced one day that she trusts nobody. I had to let her go as it was destroying me and my family. So sad but I couldn’t help her and now realize she is narcissistic as was the generations before her. I broke the cycle and standing my ground. It sounds like your dad is in the best facility and they are the experts. I would value their advice and perhaps let go a bit and see if he is happier the next time you visit. You are not alone. (((Hugs)))
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Tlkent - my mom also asks for unreasonable things, too. If stalling works, I use it. I just tell her: " Yes, we can do that later" to her requests to pacify her at the moment. Since she will forget it later on, she doesn't remember me saying yes.

So, when you dad asks for his things, you can say yes you will bring later or will try to find it later. If he happens to remember you saying you will bring it, you can say those things were in boxes/storage and you need to go find them.

As for the 'winning' lottery tickets, maybe you can give him $5, $10 for his winning, if that would stop him from asking again.

Will he still understand if you show/tell him the cost of attorney, facility, etc, and that his money was used to pay those things? Just don't give him too much details that he gets confused.

As for his requests to go back home and business, besides stalling, I don't have any other suggestion. Maybe someone can come up with better ways to redirect or distract him.

Good luck. And let us know what works for you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Go on YouTube and watch Teepa Snow videos. You will learn a great deal.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter