Brief History: Mom every 3-weeks was during intravenous chemotherapy from August to December 2022. On 1/13 & 14th, mom fell. The fall on 1/14th caused injury to dad, two fractured ribs with a trip to ER. Then on 1/19th she was admitted to hospital until entering rehabilitation from 1/26th to 2/14.
As of 2/14th my elderly mom who is disabled (Unable to independently walk with walker after she took prescription chemo pills in early January to maintain the cancer cell) came to live with me after rehab. Insurance/medicare stopped as of 2/12th. I appealled but was denied as insurance said she hadn't made any progress (still needed 75 to 100% assistance) from the time she came to rehab. Pay would be on us. The rehab staff is another story; very poor & limited to none caring & dedicated staffing, etc. She needs 24/7 care that is solely on me. I felt this would be a temporary solution if I got home health services for mom here with my home being more wheelchair accessible than her own house. Felt she would progress quicker & better with my help. As well as, it would be better for me to not have to drive across town (45 minutes one-way) to their home everyday or staying with them an unforseen period as I'm married. It is now a little over two months and I'm very tired and feeling alone some days. My faith, early morning walking/exercise, gardening & hubby/married daughter have helped me sustain this situation/journey. I must add my elderly dad is here too who has had cataract surgery on left eye and getting ready for the right eye in May. In addition, we lost my oldest brother on January 7th. I'm trying do what's right & the best to get her back on her feet with the aid of her walker. I know we need time but I don't know how long I can keep onward especially since PT & OT is down to one day. She has made some improvements since being here. Much better than when she was in rehab for the first time. After this Friday's PT, I feel she is weaker than last week and may have gone as far as she feels she can go. I try to encourage her to eat and drink more water. Some days are better than other days. It's up and down.
We have transferred to using the toilet and tube transfer bench in the mornings & nights (twice daily with wearing briefs). This has relieved me some when it comes to her ADL (bathing, etc). She tell everyone that there's no place like home or she wants to be in her own home. Then with me she say she thank me and she knows that she don't have any other person to help her. I'm beginning to think that there are other issues going on that haven't been diagnosed yet. Like delayed cognitive thinking behavioral, dementia or just aging, depression as some times she is sad/unhappy, may cry for unknown reason that is not known to me until much later, may act quiet, upset, or moody, she watches us like a hawk. She complain by phone to my youngest brother who is POA. I just found out when oldest brother passed that my name is not listed as the 2nd or backup POA of which I was told and failed to check the document until now. He lives in another state. Mom is very controlling and just seems to want it all her way. I might add, mom has a spit fire/spunky personality, quick & sharp especially when it comes to numbers. She likes telling you what you need to do when you are doing for her 🤔. She is not going to run this house that I stand firmly as this is our safe & peaceful haven; at least I felt that way before they came to live with us, hubby & I. I have tired to make them feel like this is a home sweet home for them but mom cannot be pleased or is satisfied. I understand that she is not at her home but can't she just see what is necessary & needed right now? We all are having to adapt. Just so much has happened in our lives & we still has a ways to go. I am just trying to do & wanted to help get them back to their home. I love my parents, I'm thankful & grateful for them.
What is their financial situation?
Read the many posts/threads on here about how much people regret moving their parents in with them. Your life counts. If you don't do something to change your circumstances now, it will just get worse and worse for you.
What kind of relationship do you have with POA brother? Is he in total charge of their finances, or is it a springing POA that hasn't been activated yet?
Even if you are able to get them back in their home, they are not going to be independent, you will still be their caretaker.
Take the warning seriously, let your brother who has the POA take over, be clear that you cannot continue to care for them, they need to be placed in a facility.
No, it is not pleasant, but it is what is best for all concerned. If they have a house it can be sold.
You are their scapegoat, their servant, your brother is the golden child, this is very common with women.
You can love them from afar, you do not need a front row seat.
Remember your family comes first, husband and any children.
Sending support your way.
AL is not some House of Horrors or insane asylum from the 1900s some portray it to be, but more like a nice hotel with services, care and amenities available on site. Doctors coming in to see residents, medications delivered on site, lab services, etc makes it one stop shopping. My folks lived in AL and then Memory Care from 2014 until mom passed in 2022. They were well cared for the entire time and better yet, our relationship was preserved bc I wasn't leaving my blood on the floor trying to do hands on care which I was unqualified to do.
Wishing you the best of luck with your situation
Being a “loving only daughter” is probably one of the LEAST acceptable reasons for you to have taken the path you’ve chosen, and absolutely NO REASON why you should be allowing your emotional relationship with your parents to supplant RATIONAL PLANNING in meeting their care needs.
It sounds as though the odds of either of your parents returning to “their home” are so remote as to be nearly nonexistent, and you are in a mostly unmanageable situation as far as YOUR OWN LIFE is concerned.
It also sounds as though your attempts to get your mother “back on her feet” are, at this point in time, becoming progressively less and less realistic.
You can love your parents dearly, but be totally unable to provide in house care for them, and it is your right to admit this to yourself AND to their POA. Your younger brother accepted the fact that as the family “GIRL”, this was your job.
You WEREN’T born female with a contract to provide care for Mom and Dad.
It WILL cause a stir when you inform brother/POA that you are resigning, and he may well threaten you and “tell on you”. The alternative, however, is that the burdens of “caregiving” for two elderly, fragile, probably VERY SPOILED people will erode your physical, mental and emotional health to the point at which YOU will need the care.
My love for my mother and my faith sustained me during the nine months I cared for her in my home, but they also taught me that I would lose myself if I continued.
You need BALANCE. LOOK for it. You DESERVE IT.
I agree that the care for these two elders is overwhelming and not sustainable.
I agree with Lealonnie that your option for your parents must be long term care placement; I worry for YOU now that the amount of care required of you is also not sustainable.
cwillie's words could not have been put better. You express your love for them and you let them know you cannot go on in this manner.
I am so very sorry for all of you for these circumstances.