Help At Home aide needs to clean more, but my dad won't let her. What can I do?

Excellent post surprise!!!

Just reread it and it gives me power to stay confident!!!

I'm going to make a copy of it and make a beautiful poster. I've been given a lot of good comments here, I think I'll do a collage of your awesome guidance, wisdom and kick in the butt therapy advice I've received. You all are great! 😍

Stay strong, girl. You are in the right. Enough of him! Let him go. The home health folks will figure out what to do with him.
Not your problem.
You--find a new hobby.
Seriously--find something you enjoy doing, something that brings you pleasure, and concentrate on that A LOT. Give yourself and your home and family all your lovin'. They need and deserve it.

Thank you cwillie 😉
Easy from the outside for lotsa people to give good simple good advice to me that makes obvious sense, I appreciate that. It's the hidden, not talked about, ignorant choices dad has made and still making others haven't seen or heard about unless experienced it one on one.
My husband thinks I need to tell my dad everything that I'm yelling about to him, so I can let it go.  In some  dysfunctional way I say I can't do that even when I know I probably should.  When I have in the past it hasn't faced him any and he continues his ugly ways    He is like an injection of poison to my blood...body hurts.
Thank you, I will be calling that social worker today and move forward but behind the scenes.  Right now I can't be in my dad's presence.   Like dorkers MIL,  he says he can do it, he can take care of himself !

Bella, I'm sorry I came to this woman's defence, I didn't realize what a hot mess your situation with your father is. It seems to me the best case scenario would be for the social worker to get him back into AL and off your hands, it may be worthwhile to work with her to try to accomplish that.

Ahhh, so nice to have supporters here to see my side if this nightmare. Thank you BarbB and surprise, I'm grateful for your support.
As far as APS, does this fall into my hands or will the sociol worker take that over? She was disgusted with all the stories she was made aware of and said she would contact my dad's case worker and the boss at Help at Home services where this woman is employed. Also will help with the Medicaid denial junk. When my dad had bedbugs last year, this woman helper discovered the bedbugs. Immediately she had to stop "working" for dad until the bedbugs were gone since it was a risk that she could transport bedbugs her self to other people. After weeks of spraying they were slowly dying but kept rehatching. Dad told his Help At Home service that they were gone so they let this helper return. I called the boss at Help At Home and said "no they are not gone" and she said, "well we have to go with what your dad tells us"... at the time I did not have POA. For six months we paid for all the treatment to get rid of these nasty things, dad had a stroke, entered hospital.   Daughter and I found bedbugs on him in the hospital, even had a nest in his hat.   We had to dress and protective clothing for three days while re-entering and leaving his room   He was also quarented while there. Discharged..back to our home for three days  ( I was on the lookout for bedbugs and was paranoid the whole time it was awful )  for some unknown reason we were able to get him in an AL on respite. Of course we had hopes of him staying there and was taking one day at a time...my husband was slowly rebuilding him a little cabin (after we had to destroy his dilapidated bedbug, mice, ant infested and snake skins in various places of a trailer.  I also put on protective has met outfit and try to salvage some things and was disgusted by how dirty his kitchen was, rotten food in the refrigerator on the countertops sticky kitchen floor you name it   And this woman was there three days a week...the bugs were loving it.  Husband tried to salvage what he could in a hazmet outfit...brought a bedbug home to us. What a freaking nightmare...so costly...had to burn new furniture in a room we just remodeled (I have been waiting 29 years to redo this room and I finally just finished it about a month before the bedbugs hit our home...i've always shopped around and ended up buying used furniture for years and this time I splurged and bought new but had to burn it all).
* I will never buy used furniture again for fear of bedbugs !!!!!!!
My dad never once worried about the cost of all of this. There's times I could write hear about how much money we have spent on my father and my husband was always willing to do it with no complaints.
No money has been spent yet on the land, it recently got appraised and yes the attorney knows everything that's going on and all of my worries. I do doubt how all this will work right now I'm willing to let the land to go and sit back and watch my dad to lose it to Medicaid He should've turn the land over in our names years ago we've tried many times My husband has maintained the property for 30 years, catered to my dad and help him with whatever he needed. For my dad to tell my husband yesterday that this helper has helped him so much that she deserves his truck and his lie life friend ( I want to drug him to court several months ago trying to collect money from this guys ex-girlfriend who didn't pay up on some bulldozing work) deserves his tools made me want to vomit!
Ooohhh he said it so greatly surprise!!! We have paid many dimes for these lowlife friends of his and his stupid actions !!

 When my husband was talking to him last night, he just returned from supposedly getting groceries with this girl and all he had in his hands when he got out of her car was a box of cold shrimp     Day before has been asked him is there anything we can get you from the grocery store and he said no my helpers coming tomorrow we're going shopping 
He's a Manipulating Narcsissist for sure!

Bella, true colors there. He's a user of people and manipulated people to get what he wanted. That helper girl manipulated him too. Unfortunately you got the short end of the stick.

Knowledge is power. Power to turn him over to APS, and to turn in the girl to APS for financially using a vunerable elder. Or you can walk away. 

If your family is paying for land he's hidden from Medicaid, I hope your hubby understands that an atty needs to be consulted before you pay another dime to him to go into presents for the helper girl.

Bella, i think that's for the best. You need to stop thinking that your dad is suddenly going to morph into someone other than the narcissist he is.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Amazing how quickly things can change !!!!!!!!!!!!!
My husband just had a visit with my father !
I'm getting off of this d*mn roller coaster ride today !!!!!!!
My father told my husband he wants to leave his truck to this Help At Home helper woman and give all his bulldozing tools to a friend of his !!
This isn't about greed people!

I have a son and a daughter who loved their grandpa in spite of all the dysfunction between him and I. My husband made it possible so he could come back home to this stupid cabin, we have enabled him many years and it stops today !!

I will no longer dispense meds, and I am cutting off all contact with him

He told my husband he did not hear from the nurse today he did have a missed call, I do not give a sh*t

I'm done totally done

He told my husband and his helper has been so good to him and she deserves something
It's not about inheriting junk from my dad material things do not matter to me it's the principle behind it

One minute I was so sad and heartbroken and crying it has ruined my whole weekend and within 10 minutes my husband returns home and tells me all this He's trying to call me down and relax but I feel like I am not on earth right now
He told my husband yesterday that his helper will be taking him to get groceries today, when they returned he only was carrying a little box of shrimp  my husband told him that the helper has not been doing what she was hired to do and my dad defended her
I will not be contacting the home health nurse  he is totally on his d*mn stupid OWN!!!

Bella, your dad was in Assisted Living, where his meds were dispensed, right? He didn't like that, right? He's " independent", right?

He can call 911 ( glad he did) and got meds. Does he ask you to dispense them? If that's what he wants, and you're willing to do this on a daily basis, then go for it.

When my mom could no longer manage to take her own meds ( with me setting them up each week) we all knew it was time for a higher level of care.

Whew...so hard
Feel like I'm abandoning him
Even step back from meds and let home nurse do it ?
😢
Want freedom from the guilt

Bella, the only way your dad is going to get the help he needs is by your stepping back, just as you're doing. Stand strong!

Dad called 911 for himself Friday night...he claimed he "couldn't wake up." Blood sugar was 250.
Has a bad UTI, put on levoquin and I've since been told it's hard on kidneys...will not drink water.
DH and I asked to talk with a sociol worker. Long story short, we told her everything we've been dealing with regarding dad...mainly that I need someone way bigger than DH and I to step in and take charge.   I can't enable anymore!! She agreed. And agrees  help at home woman has stepped over boundaries...she will call her boss and has set up home health nurse for dad several days a week and possibly some OT. 
Dad lost 10lbs in almost 2 months, food doesn't sound good, no BM for a week but after overdosing on Dulcolax and some kind of clear liquid drink he's gone.  I'm thinking he called 91 simply because he hadn't pooped for a week and his P was burning but he claimed he couldn't wake up.  I don't know and probably never will. 
 Our little town is having their annual Labor Day celebration all weekend,  also wondering if this was an attention getter? I don't know. Checked on him yesterday to make sure he took his anabiotic...had poop on his hands and walking around in his soiled underwear. To my horror, I had to ask my dad to wash his hands and to tell him why. I could never sit anywhere in his cabin for fear of Poo. I washed his dishes, cleaned off his kitchen table and killed all the ants accumulated, bleached door knobs where I go in and out,  basically anything that he has touched but I did leave the poop on the kitchen chair so the nurse could see it .  Ugh. 
Today was the first day the visiting home health nurse was supposed to come and I don't know if she did or not.  Thats  the only reason why I cleaned up a little before she came.  A nurse did come Saturday for a visit and was able to see how he's been living and what the environment looks like. she was shocked to see used needles everywhere, poop on things, asked him 1 million questions and he hated it. Especially hated it when she asked to watch him check his blood sugar... the lady was amazed how much he struggled

The money he "puts away" gets spent, believe me, with his debit card.
Getting his meds for him certainly wouldn't "kill me", I always did, and paid for them, until this month. The drive from our homes to Walmart is 45 min. Dad and "helper" are at Walmart 3 days a week...seems sensible to me they pick them up.
We have not bought property yet, re-appraisal happened yesterday. Husband happened to be in area when appraiser showed up so came home to show him survey stakes (lotsa woods) and to tell dad the guy was here and he needed in the cabin. Husband looked through the window first, (after he and appraiser got a view of dad's hand washed stained underwear air drying on the porch swing and exercise bike) and could see straight into the open bathroom door, And scrubba dub dub oldmandad in the bath tub! Geesh. Those underwear were there for 3 days.  I can see them from the road.   2 weeks ago I told helpers boss I would no longer be doing his laundry ) I was dragging it to my house in my car...too much poo, etc...) boss told me helper can do it at laundry mat, not a problem and would relay message to helper. I will call boss today to get an update. I refuse to  communicate with the help of friends mainly because I don't trust her to not tell my dad when I'm asking her about.  
Help at Home helper gets paid by Medicaid which he loses Sept. 1st. He's been denied...failed to reveal when signing up in 2009 that he had property other than his home giving dad the freedom to fail, yes...and sad. We have given him so many opportunities to thrive with his health, financials, and showing him real love.

Yes, we tried, very much.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Thank you friends for caring.

It is your dad, not hubby's, and you are having boundary issues with dad not hubby. Focus on dad. The problems you are having is on your shoulders and your hubby is probably tired of it. You sure are.

Since you are ready for this to be over, I'd let dad be responsible for his own medicine/cleaning/bills (unless you are POA, and then I would resign). The best you can hope for is that his girlfriend/maid will take him to the er when he has a diabetic emergency and they will admit him.

When you visit the hospital, you can tell the social worker that your family won't be caring for him, he needs placement, and the girlfriend seems to be financially abusing him. (I'm unclear if you are paying for this service since you can call the boss, or if it's his money/benefits/ssi that's paying, but I see this woman as an abuser).

Give Dad his freedom to foul up. Yes, you've warned your hubbie that the property your family bought may not be clear titled. You tried. Now let Dad fail.

Although dad might not like it and might not accept anyone else, the FIRST thing I would do is ditch that "helper". Sounds like she is just "helping" herself to whatever she wants. Running errands occasionally, maybe. Driving around every visit instead of cleaning (superficial would be GREAT) is NOT what her primary task was when hired. Putting him on her cell plan? That is crossing a line which should not be crossed.

If he's not good about taking his meds, a dispenser which the "helper" should check and ensure meds are taken should be set up. Once that is in place, picking up his Rx at Walmart would not kill you. Get it and provide it. Obviously you cannot force him to take anything, but with the right help this should be overcome.

You did say somewhere along the line that he puts away $200/m and spends the rest. Well, it is his money, he can spend it, but I would consider his putting away $200 a good thing.

Too much here to go over, but again, the FIRST thing I would do is get rid of his "helper" and if need be get a restraining order (is dad competent or not?). If you own the property, you could prevent her from setting foot on it. Changing his cell # can at least temporarily stop the calls, but if he knows her number he can call her - if he relies on it stored on the phone, delete it. Worst case, call the boss and imply you may press charges if she continues. She is an EMPLOYEE, there should be no buddy in this.

Awe thank you BarbB!
It's like my mind cleared out this morning after my big ugly cry. AC to the rescue again!!
I will welcome my husband home tonight with a big bear hug and a sincere apology. I know he will receive my apology with grace. His heart is bigger than mine and together we shine!
I've been wondering how you are doing BarbB...comforting hugs again.  Learned a lot from you here...you're mom was blessed having you to care and love her!!

Bella, take care of yourself and your husband today.

...millions of hot tears streaming down my face...
Thank you Agingmyself. You have rescued my heart this a.m. 
I've desperately needed someone to understand me and to see the good intentions I've had in my heart over the years for this man, "dad". God has definitely blessed me with a wonderful husband! I know he's exhausted too from everything.

I can hear the birds sing again... life is good! You're an 😇

Thank too Reno55 and mlface too!
Group Hug!!!

If he is as blind as you describe he probably can't see the filth. Maybe that would qualify him to have guardian. I have no knowledge of state care. Focus on your husband & make sure all purchases are filed for your sake. Maybe a counselor could help. I knew one gal who went just to tell her troubles to as her husband wouldn't listen & didn't seem to care. I think your husband is a caring hubby but most men have limits women don't when it comes to talking. God be with you.

Please listen to aging myself. It is the best post since all of this. I pray you follow her advice

Bella, dear! You know he's driving you crazy, harming your marriage, and you just want to walk away from him. Do it. His problems are not your problem. Not even the problems he doesn't care about. Not even the problems he doesn't know he has. Not your problem.
He's leaving you a mess. Stop worrying about him until he looks you up and humbles himself to ask for your help--then just send him to your husband, who wants to be helpful, God bless him.
In the meantime, you are worried about real estate that you believe you have bought. That IS your problem. Take whatever contract paperwork you had for the real estate to the attorney who prepared it, tell him about the Medicaid fraud, and see what he says. Maybe the contract was done correctly. You need to be reassured. If he can't explain it to you so you can understand exactly what's going on, take the contract paperwork to another attorney who specializes in Medicaid to make sure your ownership is clear. They will probably give you a free consultation.
You don't owe this loser a thing. He probably still owes you back child support. Just leave him alone.
Now, go tell your husband how much you appreciate him loving and taking care of his family, unlike your father did, and putting up with you worrying about all this. Tell him you're sorry you got him into this mess and got mad at him over it--you are sorry, right? I know you feel like he dissed you when you were upset and looking for his help; but he's probably at his wit's end, too, and couldn't figure out what else to do, either. Don't let your dad take you away from a man who loves you and WANTS to be good to you.
Your husband is the man you need to love and bless now. He deserves it. Your dad may be more needy, but he doesn't deserve to be blessed by you; and you don't deserve the anguish of trying to give him help he doesn't even want.
If you can't drop your concern about him living in filth, report him to your county Health Department or to Adult Protective Services, and let them handle it.
If I sound harsh, please forgive me; but take my words to heart. You're worth more than you think; your own family that you chose to have deserves your love and attention.
I pray that God will bless you with peace for yourself and love and happiness in your household.

Here's what I would do:

I would secretly hire an entire cleaning crew who can also make over your dad's cabin, especially if he happens to also be a hoarder

Arrange for them to come in at a specific time but what I would do ahead of time is take dad on a vacation. Now all the work can begin while he's gone.

Instruct the cleaning crew that if anything needs to go, out the door it goes and in the dumpster. In fact, there's an actual TV show that takes certain types of hoarding cases and transforms the home from a pigpen into something lovely. There's another one that specializes in home makeovers like remodeling.

Make sure the vacation is long enough to actually get everything done. Make sure they call you when they're done so they can be there to show you the work they did but only let them call you back after everything's done.

* Make sure though that nothing valuable or should I say expensive is thrown out that may be worth something. What you can do is make sure those particular items are secured offsite well in advance

Heavens, treading lightly and hoping is what so many women think is all they can do, but I find that being direct and making a real plan is the way to go. I wouldn't expect the girl to do more than light cleaning - hire a cleaning agency to go in, once a month, to do a 2-3 hour clean. In between, then it's just touch ups, which can be done. Tell Dad it's happening on such a day, say it's necessary and just move the conversation on . Some things are best taken care of by showing, not talking. You can just say that once a month is a good prevention, you don't want to worry about accumulation.

It took me years of fussing around with my disabled brother, always afraid of the topic of hygiene, laundry. And it had to get bad before i spoke up, and sorted his drawers myself - not throwing anything out, at first, just organizing what was usable - and setting other stuff into a box, that he could sort and use later. Turned out, after 3 hours, and he saw his new organized drawer, he said, "could you do the next drawers also?"

When people have disabilities they don't notice dirt well, and as a home health care aide, I learned that just tackling the task, while explaining how good this will be, is a better way to move through it. Sitting around mulling and whispering and talking in the background just prolong dissonance - Talk of how great it will be to have the cabin cleaned once a month, and emphasize his freedom otherwise. Make an effort to respect and keep his customary things in the same place, so he finds those, but have the cleaners do different sections of deeper cleaning at one time. Generally men don't fuss around so much, and feel better when someone knows what to do and does it - and a cleaning agency is likely to do that part better than aides.

Bella, It seems to me if she could keep ahead of the worst messes it would be easier than tackling things after several days, is it possible to spread out the hours and have her there more often, or is there a two hour minimum? .Or maybe if you left a check list of duties including the worst areas to be covered at least once a week; clorox wipe the doorknobs and hose down bathroom for example? Unfortunately if she focuses too much on cleaning it cuts into the time she spends with her other duties

As for finding someone who is willing to clean up after him, I'm sure there are women out there who are working independently and desperate enough for money that they will clean dang near anything (I know I was once), especially if you provide them with all the goodies that make the job easier like disposable gloves and heavy duty cleaning solutions and wipes. Maybe try posting an add?

I really sympathize having to deal with a man like your father who is his own worst enemy, I briefly had to deal with a hoarder alcoholic uncle whose care fell into my lap when he became ill. SMH.

"I never would have expected her to come in and clean up messes that had been left waiting for her arrival"
Thank you for saying that cwillie. After repeating that statement over and over in my head all night I've kinda relaxed with the mess thing. Obviously someone else needs hired in addition to his helper. I applaud all the helpers out there, if not for them, wow, I can't even imagine.!! Not sure who would want to clean feces or how this will get paid for.  I'm sure dad would say it's not necessary and would not pay for it...especially since he has a helper. 
Shall I just wash my hands of this worry, the messes?? I think so. And now Medicaid is going to kick him out Sept 1st.  Hmm, who cares!
I've been cleaning up his "messes" financially and physically for years. Why? Used to think it was out of love but I can't answer that question today.
The last 2 days this poisonous relationship brought on my fibromyalgia..my fault yes. Makes my personality change awfully,
I'm sorry that I came off as rude.
I'm grateful for your responses.
So tired...no teeth left from gnawing.

Trying hard to regroup and focus today.

Sorry, I guess everybody has that one subject they just have to jump in and respond to.

Dads cabin is tiny...small bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room...the only thing that is separate is 1 room and that's the bathroom. As a matter of fact, it's smaller than the room that he had at AL.

This conversation has totally got off the subject

It took me three hours to clean an average house thoroughly, and I didn't work slowly. Just sayin'.

I see on my first post I stated she should do intense cleaning not just surface cleaning.
 I definitely worded that wrong because I had all the details going around in my head and didn't state it properly.
perfection is not a word in my vocabulary

Where did I say I wanted perfection?
I don't expect perfection in my own home! she is there six hours a week split up into three days, at the end of the week usually on the weekend I will go in the cabin and look around and see things that weren't even lightly cleaned that was there the week before. The side table beside the chair he sits in, the table beside his bed has crumbs all over...fruit peels, dried on the sticky stuff, food smeared all over... the ants are accumulating. Crumbs on the floor all around his bed and under it all around the chair...on the rugs. I know as well as anybody that crumbs can accumulate every day but this is more than an every day accumulation it's many days.   I'm OK with crumbs, I have crumbs on my floor every day, the stuff is piling up and hes going to be in a mess again with bugs and it's going to be my responsibility and dollars out of our pocket again just like last year but I will refuse to take that route again... my fault! Yes I could very easily take care of those messes myself when I'm there and I have before, he lived like a pig before ALand at the AL.  I told my husband I would not be his maid when he comes home.   I DO NOT  view his helper to be his "maid"!!!!  
He's in the process right now helping this woman get a new "used" door on her house,  one he has in storage in his barn.   So let it be, let them just have this companionship whatever do the shopping thing whatever, and she can benefit from little goodies on the side.  This man has nothing no savings, puts about 200 once a month in his checking from his $600 Social Security check and spends the rest on who knows what.   He can hardly walk, legally blind from diabetes, he has no business running a saw!   I saw electrical cords laying in the water the other day after a big rain in his shed where he has been sawing on some boards for who knows what! It's endless what I could tell here!! 
I complain to my husband about this, and he's sick of me complaining and blowing my mouth and I'm sick of me too!!!
Don't judge me until you have walked in my shoes