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My mother is 85 and we are both retired. We want this move to be successful and feel that if all parties have a clear idea of what to expect it would make it more likely to be a successful transition for all involved. Any ideas on what topics should be discussed?

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Hello Wiggins! First of all, please read as much as you can on this site so you can see what you might be getting into! I believe you should see an elder lawyer and make sure Power of Attorney and Health Care Proxy and Will are all be in order before she moves in. Money should be discussed and how things will be paid for-if you will be compensated in any way etc. Know her finances and insurance coverages etc. Her health can change in a moments notice and you will want to know her wishes if she becomes too hard to care for for some reason. Where will she go? Also, what happens if one of you gets sick and you can no longer care for her? You do not mention how her health is her financial status or if she is an independent person. Is moving into your place best? The only answer? Have you thought about Assisted Living? Who will do most of the caregiving when it comes to bathing and bathrooming-you or your wife? If you don't have to help with that now, know that it may come to that in the future and talk about it-at the very least with your wife! It is wonderful that you want to do this! I have been doing this for 8 years. My mom is 86. But what are your expectations? Do you want to travel in your retirement? Will mom go with you? Who will stay with her if you want to go away with your wife? What are your mom's expectations? That you will be at her beck and call 24/7/365? That may not be her expectation I don't know-but it may be reality down the road. What family or help do you have to stay with her for quick get-aways to the store or out to dinner? Are there family members who are willing to take her for a week so you two can get away? What if family doesn't help out? Are you aware of Elder care in your community? Do you see her doctor's with her so you know her health issues?
I am sorry, I am going way beyond your question. These are all things I have learned and had to do over the years. Again-please read the different threads on this site to see the kinds of things that come up and you will get a lot of issues that you should talk to your wife about and your mom. Check into what is out there in your community that can assist you with this question and help you out later. Caregiving can be a wonderful job-but it is not easy! Look into as much as you can so you won't be blindsided-but even if you know what might happen doesn't always make it easier! And never say this, or that, will never happen. It can.
Good luck! God Bless! And come back here for great information and encouragement or just to vent! Mame
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WHAT A GREAT RESPONSE from Mame for MOM. I AGREE with all you wrote so wont repeat it . It is obvious that you are one of those of us who have taken on this major responsibility . I also take care of my MOM and have for over 6 years now. She will turn 86 in 2 months. THE MAIN THING I have found to be helpful was to talk about EVERYTHING you can think about ahead of time...as then as time goes on keep an open dialogue. For me it was a no brainer to move Mom here to AZ because I was going back and forth to CT to help her out and then my Husband had to have major heart operations and after that our first grandson got very sick and died at 3 yrs old. I just couldn't keep going back and forth . The move has been great for MOMS arthritis but hubby and I have had to make major adjustments and you will have to too. We have no family close bye to help. I have a neighbor come to check on MOM if hubby and I go away together. Down the road we will have to make even more involved arrangements. WE are our 60's we all hope to be able to travel and do things as a couple and this is much more difficult when you have the responsibility of taking on the care of a parent. Health woes are better now than when she first moved here. She is very stubborn and wanted to eat her sweets despite diabetes. Hubby and I go for walks together or a swim in our pool to get private time to talk. EVEN JUST private time is difficult with this arrangement . Watching a movie can be a problem as MOM will chat all the time. Reading a book is also difficult due to Mom liking a lot of attention. Sometimes it is the little things that mean a lot. Over time she saw how we do things to avoid diabetes for me and to help my husband stay alive despite congestive heart failure. She is doing better health wise because of this.
I realize that this can all change over night if Mom falls or breaks a hip etc. I have thought about it and will find more elder care help at that time. NOTHING is certain and that goes for all of us and how things can change in an instant. I try to take it one day at a time...but you must set some rules from the start . IT CAN WORK OUT but please tell her that certain days of the week are YOUR DAYS with your spouse. YOU MUST make time for the two of you or it will consume you both and you will have other problems beyond taking care of your MOM!
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Thanks Adelemcl-I agree with all you had to say too! I didn't mention the time to yourselves and I am glad you did! I tried for years and years to get siblings to help more and ended up just doing it all for too long-and becoming resentful of them-and wasn't getting much time with hubby alone... So, I finally got mom to go to a Social Adult Day Care (once a week so far). She never wanted to go anywhere! She isn't real happy about it now but I explained that I have been neglecting my health and missing important Dr exams because I can't leave her alone and she didn't want anyone but family to stay with her. So, she said she will go so I can do what I need to...and she actually comes home happy even tho she never wants to go. SO, long story short-find a day care she can go to a couple times a week or every day-whatever she can afford just to keep her social and active and give you time to yourself!!! I wish I had done it years ago. I also have a gal who comes for a few hours once a week so I can go grocery shopping etc-but that took me a long time to find someone I trust and mom likes. Caregiving ain't for sissies!!!!! It can consume you and exhaust you! So-take care of yourself!!!! Mame
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I agree with both answers. It might be rosy now but things will change. For us it is the lack of freedom. I have became a hermit. And that is total opposite of my personality. Is there money for long term care or n
NH insurance? The burnout is devastating on my health. My insurance Co. Is trying to force me into a lesser policy. Trying to convence my husband we have no choice.
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YOUR MOM sounds like mine. I guess we all are alike in reality and dont want to rely on strangers .....so even getting MOM to agree to let my neighbor come over to check on her has been a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT !! MY MOM is not a people person but I like your idea of Adult Day Care one day a week. I have to get up at 6 am and go to a gym just to be able to exercise and chat with friends there since I have cut back on my working career and do very little without MOM . We also become their nurse and I have noticed MOM seems out of it on 4 Blood Pressure pills ..I tell her Dr her BP is lower at home but it is high at her DRS so they kept her on the 4 pills. I started taking and eventually haveing her take her BP 3 times a day and if it is normal not take one of the pills. She is so much happier and sleeping better and has more energy,. I have an apt with her DR next month ( they seem to make more and more time go between apts with medicare now too). I have documented the BP and will let her know my mother doesnt need 4 opills a day with her better eating and weight loss. MOM has passed out at Walmart and at home and I know it is the BP. The DR wont be the one having to take xtra care of my mom if she passes out and breaks a hip etc. . SO we have to wear MANY HATS as a caregiver but in some ways it can be a blessing. I have bonded with my mother and she has learned from me to appreciate a humming bird and be a little less full of herself. I think she is a happier person and that is a good thing !
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I think the first important thing to establish is one of two things: Is your mom moving in with you and your wife, or is your wife moving in with you and your mom? Depending on the emotional understandings and independence in this situation the success of the move will be mostly dictated on these underlying premises. The situation of parents and children cohabitating has been largely adopted in Europe and North American society is still struggling with it. Now with many children moving back with parents because of economic hardship it may be more accepted very soon.
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Wigggins, bless your hearts for taking in your Mom, no one wants to live alone, especially at that age. The thing to do is a DPOA and a Health Care Proxy, and a caregivers agreement if she stays with you when she needs fulltime care. Good Luck, you'll sleep so well with her under your roof and so will she:)
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Agree with above from Wiggins but will add...Due to HIPPA laws you will need to get forms signed with Social Security and Medicare that will be on file with them so you can call on your mother's behalf regarding billing or health issues. WE have the POA and MEDICAL POA that we had an attorney make up with MOM and us right after I moved her here . Even so ...many companies will want their own forms signed. I havent had to use any of the papers we had drawn up in 6 years but one day I probably will...so it is wise to have them when your MOM is able to understand what the papers are for . GOOD LUCK !
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Don't do it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is harder than you think to have someone live with you 24 hrs 7 days a week.
You hear everything their tv, footsteps to and from the bathroom, closing and openig doors, wandering around the house, you DO NOT have any privacy so your marriage suffers alot...... and you will probably fight more depending on who's mother it is.
If she is unable to cook for herself you will be doing it, if she doesn't drive you will be taking her everywhere, if she can't make Dr appts or handle her meds herself you will become the pharmacist.... and it is alot of responsiblity to make sure you don't mess up.
If she can live somewhere else close by check out those resources....please.
These are my thoughts...... my motherinlaw has lived with us for about 11 years..... we have been married 13.......
Now she has to live with us because she can not live alone, be left alone, not ready for a nursing home...so she is with us.........
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My husband and I lived with my mom have she had 2 stroke back to back. My dad ask us to move in so I could watch her. I had 1 son that was not even a year old yet and had another son while living with her. We live with her for 9 years yes it was hard at time but easy at others. I would recommend that you and your wife must remember why you are having moving in with you. Is it for her safety. If so I like the 1st two responses you got is talk to her about everything that you guys are doing and expect of her. Now if she has to move in with you do to Alzheimer depending on how advanced it is you may have to wait on tell her big thing so she does not keep asking about them every 5 minutes, or events that are not happen right away. I hope this helps you.
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Its all true its a lot more work then you think my mom has been here going on two years .I have /parkinsons and my husband requires another back surgery next year heres how are day goes 7am get up get ready get mom up at 9am she sits on the potty chair does her business even though she can walk to the bathroom if Im lucky its only pee then clean the potty chair my job the eye drops because of a recent eye infection make her breakfast find a channel she likes on tv Baath after breakfast dress her make lunch clean the house more eye drops put on a movie make tea for her she very picky what she watches do laundry maybe I get a break andd can sit down and write out her bills then 5pm make dinner for us even though she doesnt eat hardly a thing bring her into the family room serve her dinner 7pm back to her room for jeoperdy 8pm brush teeth put diaper on get ready for bed more eye drops move things around in her room for the night take her robe off put her in bed for the night finally sit down on the couch fall a sleep to tired for tv another day comes to a end thats my day problem only child no time for husband are you sure you want this? think about it dont say it will never happen thats what I said
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I think Century had a very good point - just who is in charge in your home? Is your mom the kind of person who will understand and abide by the idea that your wife and you make the decisions - that the home is run along the lines you and your wife set out - she is not in charge of anything, she is a guest and does everything possible to be helpful to her daughter-in-law (I'm assuming that most of the "dirty work" will be done by your wife, it usually is). She is not the center of the home, neither you or your wife are servants at her beck and call. And when this no longer works because of her or your health issues, she will cooperate in making other living arrangements. Too often, as you will see on this forum, Mom moves in expecting to basically rule the roost. For your own health and sanity, don't go there ....better that she live under another roof and you and your wife visit, help, whatever, but keep your own lives.
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Wiggins, I've read on here WAY too many times, about the promise made to a parent, that the adult kids would NEVER put them in a nursing home or whatever.
Don't get sucked into a promise that you may NOT be able to keep. Make sure at least, that that's up front. Good luck.
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It must be next to impossible to care for someone with middle to advanced AD in ones home. Irregardless of assets there has to be an affordable safe place for every person in these circumstances. We are talking about the human condition here and basic human rights. If this can be addressed properly by the compassionate members of your government, the U.S. might remain a good place in which to live. If not I can imagine social anarchy down the road.
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mame4mom already covered this, but I want to call it out, because I see post after post where this is a problem, and it is something I wouldn't necessarily thought of on my own. Preplan respite care! You don't say whether Mother needs caregiving or just a place to live. But it is absolutely essential for you and your wife to have some time to yourself. The more caregiving involved, the more crucial respite time is. Can mother be left on her own for an evening? For a weekend? For a week? If she can now, it is possible that will not always be the case. Figure out ahead of time how that will be handled. And even if you "know" you/she has relatives that you absolutely can "count" on, don't count on them. Have a backup plan in place. Make sure that Mother accepting the fact you will be taking time to yourself is a condition of her moving in. Respite care can be expensive. Plan for that, too.
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My Mom lives with my husband and I and is in late stage dementia/alz. She has been here almost 5 years, she cannot walk, eat or drink alone, cannot understand TV, is incontinent , can barely see and we hoyer lift her into bed and her chairs now. Home care CAN be done as long as you have the love in your heart and the strength to keep going, and, get respite. She is never alone, always has a full belly, is immaculate, we sing to her, put music on, and hug and hold her when she is lonely. No nursing home would ever give that. Yes its hard, horribly hard but we are here for her, my husband is proud of me and helps me when he is home. Our adult kids are proud and most of all, I am proud my Mom will never be lonely or scared, dont we all want that? Who wouldnt want to stay in a wonderful safe home with a family environment ? IF anyone thinks a nursing home is better they are sadly mistaken, thats where they fall, cry, get infections, get depressed and no one cares if they dont eat or are sitting in a wet diaper, most of all, they are alone and confused . I feel so bad for people who have to use a NH, even my Moms dr said "home is always best." I may get flack for this but I have always been one to put myself in someone elses shoes and think "what would I want?" I do know my Mom would want to not burden anyone, she had always said that, therefore I hired weekend help and have the best of both worlds, my Mom, and time off with my family. Go for it Wiggins, and like Jeanne said, get help so you wont become frustrated and take it out on her or eachother. I would discuss drawing up a DPOA, and a caregivers contract should she ever need personal care. I think you can ask for like $500 rent, ask SS, they have a set amount thats fair. I do not take rent, but I do use her SS for weekend respite. Best of Luck to you.
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jeannegibbs yes you are right about having time to yourself for wiggins and his wife. Guess I was just lucky that my mom was able to stay by herself for a night or a weekend. I was also lucky that when she did past it was in the hospital for tests. Because the worst thing I have even have happen to me is finding my dad dead in bed. Yes I took care of him as well. This is something you have to think about as well is when they pass away to be prepared as possible on what to do. Just another thing to think about.
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I see alot of us have mentioned talking to our Mom's or who is going to be living with us......
make sure they can hear literally.... I had to take my motherinlaw to the ENT and we found out she was getting very deaf. She needed a tube put in and hearing aides in both ears. There are days she just doesn't wear them for whatever reason.
If your love one has had a stroke they may not remember your talks or anything for very long.
We take care of Mom's bills and finances she can't do them any more and she trust us completely. We explain things to her but she doesn't have to worry about anything.
I think you can talk about what you want and expect but it may not work or help.
My Motherinlaw is 78 and some days it is like having another child.
I think too it will depend on how active, strong, independent and so on the person moving in with you is on how it will work out or not.
I have realized over the past 10 months that I do not want to live with my daughter or her family. I know how we feel and we try to make Mom feel welcome and comfortable and at time we also feel so stressed. I don't want that with my daughter.
There are no easy answers to having someone live with you no matter what their age. We have had our children come and go. We made jokes that our house is a revolving hotel......
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